Takes

Mitchell Trubisky looks like the Jersey Shore version of Tim Tebow

If you look at Mitchell Trubisky, he looks like the Jersey Shore version of Tim Tebow. Just put that thought in your head for a while.

I love Marcus Smart as much as I love JaVale McGee and Draymond Green

I am starting to love [Marcus Smart] on the same level that I love JaVale and Draymond. The box-out that he had last night... that was perfect crazy basketball.

Fans will get sick of the Cavaliers-Warriors NBA Finals preview within a week

We are all going to get so fucking sick of the Cavs-Warriors preview, because it's already starting. They're already previewing Cavs-Warriors, and then if both sides sweep... I think it's like seven days before the NBA Finals start. That's a shitload of previews.

I am officially off Greg Popovich because of how he treats the media

I'm off of him. I'm off of Pop. No, but it's picking up a little steam. Greg Popovich just being a dickhead to people while everyone says, wow, Pop tells it like it is. He's so funny. And then he says a long political statement without really saying anything. And everyone's like, man, Pop keeps it real.

Kevin Durant is staying under the radar but he is still a 'baby back bitch'

Not a lot of talk about Kevin Durant being a baby back bitch. Nobody says. He's under the radar right now. Just don't forget the sloucher, the Durantula, the servant... It's all falling in nicely for Kevin Durant, though. He's staying under the radar, so just keep your eye out.

Kevin Durant is injury-prone and another injury might be coming

Yeah, I can see maybe an injury coming for Kevin Durant. He's injury-prone. It'll be a real shame.

Jimmy Butler is a top 15 player in the NBA

Jimmy Butler, top 15 player in the NBA. Okay. Just like I have always said. Top 15 player. That was voted upon by the journalists.

LaVar Ball is the greatest character Vince McMahon ever created

LaVar Ball he is the greatest character that Vince McMahon ever created. It's like everything. I mean, he basically went on Colin Cowherd's show and nagged all women. He was like, I'm not selling you. You're not big ballers. And then all the women were like, wait, we want to be big ballers too. All right, fine. I'll sell you some shirts.

Employers have much more legal leeway if they don't pay their interns

If they're not getting paid, all right, and they're not employees, right? Well, you better stop [paying them] right away... you have a lot more leeway if you're not paying them.

NPR's pledge drives are a form of extortion

One of the big things now is if you'll give a donation, we will stop soliciting money. It's extortion. In other words, they're on there with some kind of meaningless promotion... and their attitude is, you want us to stop, right? Give us some money.

Only Always Dreaming or Classic Empire can win the Preakness

In my opinion, only two horses can win the race, Always Dreaming and Classic Empire. Those are the only two that can win the race. The other horses are various confidence levels of playing in the exotics. I think Cloud Computing is a horse that can be a part of the exotics.

Don't bet on Ben's Cat in the Jim McKay Turf Sprint because he is too old

Don't bet Ben's Cat. He's a real popular horse that's going to run in the Jim McKay turf sprint. He's 11 years old, which is like playing in the NFL at age 70... Ben's cat being 11 would probably be the equivalent of a 45, 46-year-old player in the NFL.

Shimmering Aspen will lead from start to finish in the Black-Eyed Susan

Shimmering Aspen, the horse that's won three races and four starts... I think is probably going to go wire-to-wire in the Black Eyed Susan at about four or five to one.

A-Rod probably writes notes to himself reminding him to pull out

A-Rod actually strikes me as the type of guy who has to write a reminder to himself being like, remember to pull out. Like five times a day. It's like praying to Mecca if you're Muslim.

Tom Brady is revealing he has concussions as a way to avoid sex with Gisele

Or it could be Tom Brady just revealing that he uses the headache excuse to get out of having sex with Gisele. She's like, no, we never have sex anymore, so he always has head hurt.

Hillary Clinton killed Chris Cornell

[Chris Cornell] also just happened to be the guy that sang the theme song for the Benghazi movie. And he was very active in Benghazi awareness that implicated a woman named Hillary Clinton. And then he passes away under mysterious circumstances. I think Hillary Clinton killed Chris Cornell.

Sean McVay should be worried that he will be fired before the Rams' new stadium opens

This is a big misstep by Sean McVay. If I was Sean McVay, I would do everything in my power to get that stadium done by 2019... after three years, going into the fourth, you can be fired after that third year. And then they can say, well, we need a new coach for the new stadium.

Jeff Fisher's name will be in the rumor mill for the Bears job next January

I cannot wait for [Jeff Fisher's] name to get back in the rumor mill. It's going to happen next January. The Bears. Yeah, when we're going to start getting some Jeff Fisher rumors, and I am so, so, so, so, so excited.

Men only wash their hands after peeing if someone else is in the room

I only wash it when there's someone else in the room that's going to wash it and they look down on you... I was in the bathroom with one of our boss bosses... and it was like, okay, is he going to go? Are you going to go? I wish I had just had the balls to be like, hey, we're guys. Let's just not wash.

Pee on your hands releases pheromones that make women find you irresistible

If you don't wash your hands, you're actually preserving the pheromones that women find irresistible. So a little pee on your hands... actually turns women into soup. Just melts that labia clean off.

Lonzo Ball is going to the Los Angeles Lakers

Lonzo Ball is going to the Los Angeles Lakers.

The San Antonio Spurs are dead

And the San Antonio Spurs are dead. Dead. D-E-D. A-D. Dead. Manslaughtered, as Greg Popovich would say.

The Celtics have to draft Markelle Fultz with the number one pick

You gotta go with Fultz, you know, we, Celtics need another guard.

The Celtics are obviously going to lose the series to the Cavaliers

We're obviously going to lose the series. That's a fact. I mean, Isaiah [Thomas], he got worked by the Washington guards. He's going to get worked by Kyrie [Irving].

Isaiah Thomas should be called 'Mizea' because he only cares about his own stats

I call him Mizea instead of Isaiah because he just cares about his own stat line.

Men wearing rompers will get laid more because everyone can see their package

Actually, this is a combo hot seat cool throne for guys with big dicks because hot seat, you might just be flashing people with your romper cool throne. Everyone can see your big dick. Probably can get laid more.

Brad Stevens is coaching for his job because the #1 pick brings higher expectations

My hot seat is Brad Stevens. We advance another round. It means he has at least four more games. He's coaching for his job out there. And the number one pick. That's higher expectations.

Scott Brooks is still an awful coach in big games

Scott Brooks, kind of a good coach. And then, like, they watched him in the playoffs... Oh, yeah, Scott Brooks. Oh, yeah, he's still awful. Oh, shit, he just tried to play John Wall and Bradley Beal 24 minutes in a game seven in the second half. Like, oh, yeah. Turns out he is a shitty coach still.

War for the Planet of the Apes will be one of the best pictures of the year

Planet of the Apes, going to be one of my best pictures of the year.

John Wooden could not have coached in the current one-and-done era

I don't think Coach Wooden could have coached in this era because he wanted us to graduate. He wanted us to become educated and learn some moral lessons and how to deal with the people that you care about in meaningful ways.

Banning the dunk ruined the game for basketball fans

I thought [the dunk being banned] was just made to deal with me... But no, it ruined the game for the fans. So that wasn't smart.

I could have played two or three more years in the NBA if we had used chartered planes instead of flying commercial

If they had started chartering planes when I played, I could have played two or three more years. Flying commercial all the time... You have to wake up and catch the first flight out the next day. That wears you out, man. It's horrible.

LeVar Ball's exploitation of his son Lonzo is bothersome

I don't know what [Lonzo Ball] is all about up here because of his dad. His dad gives me the willies. Parents like that really bother me, just trying to exploit their kids like that.

James Harden will definitely need PR 101 assistance again in the future

First up, we have a little PR 101 for James Harden, who I'm going to call my shot here. I think this isn't the last time we're going to have to do PR 101 for James Harden.

James Harden can reset his entire image and 'bad boy' reputation whenever he wants just by shaving his beard

James Harden has an automatic out whenever he wants. He just shaves his beard and he's like, 'Who are you guys talking about? That other guy?'... I'm clean cut now, so turn over a new leaf. I've changed my whole image. That's actually a good way to, if you're a bad boy, just grow the beard out so that you can always get that get out of jail free and shave the beard.

Peyton Manning hosting the ESPYs will not be good

I feel like this is going to suck, but... what do I know? Unless they just have him on stage drilling those Boys and Girls Club in the face with the footballs. He should just do that for like two hours.

Four days is the maximum amount of rest a team can have before becoming rusty

Four days rest is right before you get that rust. So the Cavs are going to be very rusty. I think they've been off for like nine days.

Derek Jeter's face is starting to look like a baseball glove

He's slowly becoming a member of the Fat Face Club in retirement. That face, it's starting to get basketball shaped a little bit... His face looks like a baseball glove now.

The Yankees are actually better without Derek Jeter

Kind of strange how the Yankees started winning after [Jeter] retired. Are the Yankees better without Derek Jeter?

The Warriors' championship will have an asterisk because they cheated by injuring Kawhi Leonard

The Warriors were dead, and then they decided to cheat and came back to life... I, for one, am very happy that this happened because now I'm ready to put an asterisk on the Warriors championship. Just like that. They had a cakewalk through the West. They ran into a hobbled Spurs team.

The Celtics will get swept by the Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference Finals

[Hank], how are you feeling about the Celtics... Oh, no, you guys will get swept by the Cavs.

I am sick of the internet's obsession with everything Greg Popovich does

I'm sick of Greg Popovich... It's the fact that everything he does, everyone says is incredible. Like Greg Popovich is a dick to a reporter. Oh, that's Greg Popovich. He's so funny. He tells it like it is... I hate how everything he does gets applauded by the internet.

A Nashville vs. Ottawa Stanley Cup Final is the 'Gregg Popovich-ing' of the NHL

If it is Ottawa versus Nashville... It's going to be the Gregg Popovich-ing of the NHL. It's like, actually, these are two awesome hockey teams, and you guys should be paying attention to it.

A Stanley Cup Final between Ottawa and Nashville will be a boring burden for hockey fans

If it is Ottawa versus Nashville. The burden on hockey Twitter to try to make us think that this is a meaningful Stanley Cup final is going to be hilarious to watch... It's going to be the Greg Popovich-ing of the NHL. It's like, actually, these are two awesome hockey teams, and you guys should be paying attention to it.

New college graduates have a 4-6 year window of 'mulligans' where making mistakes doesn't matter

There's an old saying, make your mistakes early in life. And 22 years old is basically as early as it gets because that's when your real life starts. So you have basically four to six years of mulligans.

Stephen A. Smith claiming James Harden was drugged is a transparent attempt to brag about his contacts

After the James Harden game six incident, [Stephen A. Smith] went on the air and he said that he had five Hall of Famers text him saying they thought James Harden was drugged... No one cares about that. It's five Hall of Famers text Stephen A. Smith. That's big stuff.

The Spurs always successfully find the right veterans to fit their system

Actually, [the Spurs] are a team that just it's like a revolving door of talent. They always bring in the right pieces and the right guys to fit the system. And no matter how old or you might think they are, they might be getting guys that are on the tail end of their careers are still able to do and play at a high level.

Kevin Durant joining the Warriors didn't change the mindset because they were already the team to beat

When [Durant] went there, I think it surprised everybody... but it's the same mindset. You already knew Golden State was the team to beat, and now they're still the team to beat with Kevin Durant. So the mindset didn't change. It was how are we going to beat them.

My Mount Rushmore of all-time teammates includes Greg Oden, Marc Gasol, Zach Randolph, and Rudy Gay

I'd probably have to say Greg [Oden] for one... Marc Gasol... Honestly, I think Zeebo, Zach Randolph for sure... My fourth might be like Rudy Gay. He was a good teammate.

I know every NBA referee by name to build rapport and avoid technicals

I talk to all of them. Know them all by name... Go up to them before the game, say what's up.