Takes

News broadcasts should stop reporting on crimes to discourage copycats, similar to how the NFL stops showing streakers

The news should stop showing all the bad stuff that happens so it's work for me they should follow the NFL's lead once again Roger Goodell is a thought leader trying to improve society so hey news big news producers out there maybe stop leading with mass murders cut away from them and have Gruden just talk that's right and then and then there won't be any more murders

My College Football Playoff final four includes Western Michigan

My Final Four, by the way, I don't know if you guys care about it, but it has Clemson, Ohio State, Washington, Western Michigan. And we're just going to give the title to Alabama.

The Browns are a dark horse for the College Football Playoff

I think the Browns are a dark horse, too. They can make some noise.

The holiday outrage crowd is officially back

I think the holiday outrage crowd is back. We got people pissed that Zales put a lesbian couple on their holiday ad. We have people pissed that CVS and Macy's aren't more Christmas friendly. Starbucks cups... the war on Christmas crowd.

The Starbucks green cup controversy proves that 'coastal elites' don't understand real Americans

It's the coastal elites, those people in Seattle. They don't know what we want in the middle of the United States. We've spent a weekend in flyover country... and if you hand them a green cup, they're going to blow you away.

Snow football is the best football to watch

The Packers game, Bears game. Those are the best games to watch. Snow football. Love it. It's fun to get excited for the first snowfall and then just be miserable for four months straight.

Mixing caramel and cheese popcorn is the correct way to eat it

Oh, I like to eat them both [caramel and cheese popcorn]. Then lick my hand, then put my hand back in.

The popcorn debate will be featured on Mike and Mike within two weeks

I'm going to call my shot. The popcorn debate is going to be featured on Mike and Mike within the next two weeks. Anytime you can introduce a bracket, it's going to do wonders for water cooler talk.

Neither Penn State nor Wisconsin will make the College Football Playoff

No, neither team is going to get in [to the Final Four]. And the committee, let me tell you how this works... they wouldn't have put Michigan at number five if they really were anticipating putting the winner of this game in.

Penn State will win the Big Ten Championship game

I like Penn State. I know you didn't ask me, but I'm going to go on the record and say Penn State, and then nothing else changes in the Final Four.

Ohio State and Clemson are the only teams with the speed to match up with Alabama

Athletically they [Ohio State] had the players to match up with Alabama. And I think right now that Clemson fits in that same mold... Ohio State could [match up], and I think Clemson could also.

Oregon and Texas should have kept Mark Helfrich and Charlie Strong

I would have kept them both [Mark Helfrich and Charlie Strong], by the way. Absolutely. I really think you've got to give a guy four years.

You have to give a college coach four years to build a program

I really think you've got to give a guy four years. Because when you go into a job... there's commitments. And so you honor those kids. And they may not fit in offense, defense, scheme-wise to what you're going to do.

Jeff Fisher's next job should be Supreme Court Justice or the Pope

We're trying to figure out a fun game to play is what's Jeff Fisher's next job. How can he up this one? The first one is Supreme Court Justice. He basically is a Supreme Court Justice right now... He could be the Pope. Pope Fisher? Yes, Pope Fisher.

Jimmy Butler has gotten better every single year of his career

Jimmy Butler has gotten better like every single year of his career. And I know you're a hater... He's been awesome. He is the Bulls team.

Ezekiel Elliott is eating cereal, not soup, in his 'feed me' celebration

I saw somebody say, look at Ezekiel Elliott eating that cereal... he does his little soup celebration every time he gets some yards. I thought it's soup. Nope. It's cereal.

Ezekiel Elliott's 'feed me' celebration is problematic because of world hunger

This celebration is kind of problematic. A lot of people out there don't have food. They're hungry. They don't have soup. They don't have cereal. Ezekiel Elliott's just out there wasting it. He's basically saying, look how rich I am. I can eat.

Steve Kerr is directly financing terror by admitting to using marijuana

By buying that marijuana... Steve Kerr is directly financing terror. So I don't know if there's a case to be like a Rico thing they could investigate, the Warriors, but it's not a good look.

Every team that has ever made the College Football Playoff has been a Nike school

Every team that's made the college football playoffs is a Nike school. A little bit of a conspiracy. Turns out every school is a Nike school pretty much.

Announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive ratings

I think that announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive up ratings. Because there's one thing that you can't draw when you're doing a telestrator and that's a dick. And they do it every time. Every single time it's a dick.

Tiger Woods intentionally shot over par because a 69 would have triggered his sex addiction

Tiger, as we know, is a sex addict, and we all have triggers when it comes to things. He cannot go out there and shoot a 69. He knew that. He knew that would be a trigger for him. [He would march] right back into a Hooters. It took a lot of mental strength for him to not fall into that trap.

Tiger Woods will never again look like his old self for four straight days at the highest level

Show me Tiger Woods four days in a row at the highest level. Not going to happen. Not going to happen. Not going to happen.

Tiger Woods took a Monster Energy sponsorship because he wants to turn into a 'JV' version of himself

I'd like to see Tiger turn into Cabrera, the guy that smokes on the golf course. I'd like to see Tiger just embrace the new weird, washed up, second rate C plus JV Tiger and just start smoking.

The NFL should have logo-branded eyepatches for coaches like Mike Zimmer

If it was Jack [Del Rio] or if it was like Bruce Arians, Pete Carroll... They would have their team logo put on the eyepatch. Rex Ryan would for sure.

Sam Bradford is officially worth the two draft picks the Vikings traded for him

[Sam Bradford] is probably worth the two picks now, right? Yeah. I think so. Good call. You nailed that one.

This week in the NFL will be a 'wonky' week where crazy things happen

I think there's gonna be a wonky week. It's one of those weeks where it's just like crazy things happen I just have a feeling... I just I feel like this is gonna be a wonky week.

Vegas is going to make a huge profit in Week 13 at the expense of home underdogs

This is the week that Vegas really sticks it to people. And I think that it's going to come at the expense of a lot of home dogs.

You shouldn't bet your life savings on any single game this weekend; spread it out

I don't feel comfortable betting all my life savings on one game, I would spread it out.

I grew up a 49ers fan and could never get on board with Tim Rattay because they were terrible with him

I guess not a fan of was Tim Rattay... He was the Niners quarterback when I was... or one of them, one of the many when I was growing up. And I was a big Niner fan, and they were terrible with him. I could never get on board with him ever.

Jeff Fisher is as big of a 'football guy' as they come

As big of a football guy as I come... I mean, that's his whole deal. I mean, he's there all day, and obviously he's been a head coach for a long time, been in football longer than a lot of head coaches in the league.

I'm a sports fan overall, not just a 'football guy' because it's my job

I've been playing my whole life, but I think I'm just more of an overall sports fan. Really, I like every sport. I played all three growing up... I'm more of just a sports fan, but obviously I am a football guy because I do play the sport as a living.

If you use the terms 'San Fran' or 'Frisco' to describe San Francisco, you are clearly not from the Bay Area

Frisco's bad. If you're from the Bay Area, the city is San Francisco. You would never really say, I'm going to San Francisco. You'd say, I'm going to the city. If somebody says they're going to San Fran or Frisco, you know they're not from there.

Attempting to keep Mike Zimmer's blood pressure low is an impossible task

Trying to keep Mike Zimmer's blood pressure low is like Sisyphus pushing that rock up a hill. Because that is a task that it's impossible. The second it lowers, it's going to spike back up again. He can't do it.

The MLB ban on chewing tobacco is an infringement on a player's right to get cancer

I think it's offensive to me. You should have the right to get cancer if you want it. And you're stealing that right from baseball players.

Every person who hasn't chewed tobacco has eventually died

Every person that hasn't chewed tobacco has died in history. A little sabermetrics word. Or will die. Just written facts, dude.

Rob Gronkowski might retire at 69 touchdowns just for the joke

Rob Gronkowski might retire just for the joke... No, but it's like a destiny thing. It really is a destiny thing. I don't think he wants to retire, but it's written in the stars.

The Patriots will be fine without Rob Gronkowski because Martellus Bennett is a very talented tight end

The good news for the Patriots is they do have [Martellus] Bennett, right? And Bennett is a really good tight end. The Patriots, yeah, they'll take a step back, but it's not the end of the world.

Rob Gronkowski is the best player in the NFL

I honestly think he's the best player in the NFL.

Richie Incognito is the kind of guy you want on your side when the chips are down

He is that dude that you want on your side when the chips are down. Yeah. He's that dude. He really is.

Training yourself to say 'tuckus' instead of 'ass' makes you a giant 'tuckus hole'

Do you know how big of a tuckus hole you need to be to actually do that in college? ...What a fucking tuckus. God I hate, I hate that.

Girls actually like guys who fart and burp in their face

Girls actually like a guy that farts. A lot. And burps in her face. That shows a certain level of masculinity.

A visible semen stain on your pants is proof that you are in your sexual prime

It means, it's a confirmation that you're sexually, that you're in your sexual prime... Girls, they're biologically tuned to seek out guys that look fertile. What better proof is there than just having your boys dripping out of your fly?

Tiger Woods fanboys are delusional if they think the old Tiger is coming back

I just can't stand the Tiger fanboys that think old Tiger's coming back. He said it's phase two, which is nice. He leaves out the point that Phase 1 stopped after he became addicted to working out with Navy SEALs, cheated on his wife, crashed into a fire hydrant and hurt his back a million times.

Al Horford should not have missed a game for the birth of his child because basketball is forever

Al Horford skipped a game to be with his wife who is having a kid. But come on, man. They could have lost. It's a kid. Kids come and go. Basketball is forever.

Al Horford should have just blamed his move to Boston instead of his kid for missing a game.

Don't blame it on the kid. Don't blame it on the pregnancy. Just say, hey, guess what, guys? Moving sucks. And everyone will be like, yeah, you know what? You're right.

The Cowboys do not have an intimidating fan base.

I've been to a few Cowboys games. That's not a very intimidating fan base.

Wearing a Colin Kaepernick jersey is an invitation for confrontation.

If you wear a Kaepernick jersey, you're asking for confrontation. So it could ignite conversation.

More football is always better, so everyone complaining about Thursday Night Football should shut up

I would need people on Twitter, all the nerds out there who keep complaining about Thursday night: Shut up. More football is always better. Don't do this. You're ruining it. I hate people who are like, Thursday night football sucks. Guess what? It's better than no football.

Raiders fans fighting doesn't stick out as much now because the team is actually winning.

Raiders fans fighting because the Raiders are good. So it doesn't stick out as much. It used to be like, damn, the Raiders suck. All that we ever see is Raiders fans fighting. Now it's like, oh, Derek Carr's pretty fun.

Aaron Rodgers isn't washed; the Packers' defensive injuries are the real problem

I don't think [Rodgers] was ever gone. I mean, their defense kind of sucks. So that's not really helping his cause when he's throwing for 300 yards and three touchdowns and they still lost. I don't really get that whole narrative. They've got a lot of injuries, especially on defense.