Takes

Ben McAdoo is an aspirational, try-hard football guy rather than a real one

I still continue to say [Ben McAdoo] is not a football guy. He's a football guy in disguise. He's trying to be. He's an aspirational football—he's a try-hard football guy. Football guys don't even know that they're trying to be football guys. He knows.

Marcus Mariota is a genuine 'baller' and a high-character leader

I could spend an hour raving about Marcus Mariota. He just does shit the right way. He shakes everybody's hand, says hi to everybody, always smiles, and there's never malintent behind what he's saying. It's really cool to be around a guy like that who is actually a [fucking] baller.

Matt Barkley is the real deal as an NFL quarterback

Matt Barkley, real deal. Matt Barkley and Daniel Braverman, ladies and gentlemen. Write it down.

Marc Trestman was a genius offensive coordinator but not a head coach

Trestman was a great offensive coordinator, he just wasn't a head coach... you can just tell by the way the guy is wired. He's an offensive-minded genius, and he should just be in charge of anything that falls under the offensive branch. When you're trying to talk to D-linemen and linebackers, who are just a different group of individuals, then you got to have a different way of going about it.

Ryan Tannehill's ACL injury is a 'good thing' because it secures his job for two more years

I'm going to go with actually this is a good thing for him because that means that Tannehill gets another year. You can't judge him at the end of next year because it takes two years to come back from an ACL. And then the year after next, Tannehill is going to take that next step.

Tim Duncan's massive back tattoo is a viral marketing stunt

To me, this screams viral marketing stunt... I would expect him to get such a lame back tattoo. But this is what happens when people retire from things. They end up falling into the first viral trap that their PR person brings in... We're going to get a big back tattoo that's fake. And then a week from now, you'll come out and be like... my tattoo artist has my back. You know who's got your back? It's Fidelity.

Lamar Jackson should write a Players' Tribune article announcing he is 'returning' to college (even though he has to)

Write an article for Players' Tribune saying that you're coming back to college. And say, 'hey, after talking it over with my family, doing a lot of prayer... I've decided that the right move for me at this time is to return to Louisville.' Because [he's] not eligible for the NFL.

Jack Del Rio is like a gambler on a heater who just lost all his money

Jack Del Rio, he's your friend who got on a heater and was like, no, no, no, don't worry, guys. I'm still up. I'm still up. And then you look and he's lost all his money.

Derek Carr is a soft Cali boy who chokes in the cold

Derek Carr, not [a cold-weather quarterback]. No, in fact, he's a cold-weather choker. He played, what, at Fresno State? Cali boy. Soft. Can't trust the soft Cali boys.

Alex Smith is better in the cold because it makes every quarterback equally shitty

Alex Smith, he's better in the cold. Well, I don't want to say he's better in the cold. It's like he's kind of shitty just in general. But when it gets cold outside, it's the great equalizer because everyone's shit.

RG3 will bring the Browns to the promised land

I got the Browns, RG3, bringing them to promised land.

The NFL should trade coaches between the best and worst teams every year

I'd like to see at the end of every season the worst team trade coaches with the best team and see what happens the next year. Just a quick quirky little rule change.

The Heisman Trophy should just be awarded to the first five picks in the NFL Draft

My Mike Greenberg dumb rule, they should just make the Heisman the first five picks in the NFL draft. So instead of picking the best college player, give us the best, the guys who are going to be in the draft.

Heisman winners should be eligible for the NFL Draft regardless of age

Whoever wins the Heisman should be eligible for the draft no matter what. If they're a freshman, it's your golden ticket.

The Big 12 needs a championship game to avoid being shunned by the playoff committee

The 13th game. That's important. ... if [Oklahoma] could have won their last nine games and then played in a championship game, another high-profile game, I think matters. Those guys that play 13 games and they get hot, they have an opportunity to be able to move up. And the Big 12 has fixed that. So next year at this time we'll be playing a championship game.

Brandon Weeden's NFL career was ruined by being drafted by the Browns

Brandon Weeden's pretty much the same way. ... fortunately he got drafted by the Browns. That'll do it to your career. It didn't quite work out.

Coaches and players can block out media criticism, but it deeply affects their families

Coaches and players, they can block that stuff out pretty easy. Family members, that's a little tougher. ... It doesn't affect Skyler [Howard]. It affects his family. It affects his mom. It affects his brothers. It affects guys that can't go out there and do anything.

Mike Leach is a brilliant jack-of-all-trades who knows a little bit about everything

No, he's brilliant. I mean, he thinks he knows everything about everything. The truth of the matter is he knows a little bit about everything. ... He stays up all night long, watches documentary after documentary, and reads books and doesn't sleep very much.

You should never do water bottle flips at Madison Square Garden because it is the Mecca

First of all, I just want to jump in and say this is not behavior you do at the Garden. No. Respect the Garden. You can do this at any other stadium, but you don't do that at MSG. Mecca of basketball.

Great winners don't joke around or get complacent in the 4th quarter

Great winners, when they win, they don't get complacent. They want to win more. They don't joke around playing the fourth quarter. You win one championship, and all of a sudden it's all fun and games, rainbows, and ponies.

LeBron James makes every viral trend lame and manufactured

I just realized that this is – LeBron is Disney. He's like, if there's a meme on the internet, he's going to do it in the most Disney lame move ever. You know, like the mannequin challenge. Oh, they did the mannequin challenge at the White House. He just makes everything so fucking lame.

RG3 will dislocate his pelvis on Sunday

I'm going to go injured. I think he dislocates the pelvis. It's the big one. It's like the San Andreas quake. A lot of tremors the last few years.

Winning a game with the Browns would be the biggest moment of RG3's career

If he won the last game of the season and the Browns were winless going into it, that is the biggest moment in RG3's career.

Dan Haren is a genius for joining the Diamondbacks because their pitching can't get worse

Smart move for him to join that team because basically he can just go and fart and be like, oh, they're better. 30th ranked team. So basically, they can't get worse. He can just go pick his nose, fart, listen to Pardon My Take, and they'll, by just the law of averages, get a little bit better.

The only way to get a minor celebrity to show up to your event is to give them an award

Here's a free trick. If you ever want a minor celebrity to show up at something that you're doing, just give them an award. And be like, hey, we're giving you an award.

Bill Belichick will draft Christian McCaffrey next year

It's reached a point where I'm going to go to Vegas and put $100 on Belichick drafting Christian McCaffrey next year. And it's going to be the easiest money that I ever made.

Bill Belichick signs white receivers just to confuse Chris Collinsworth

I think that he just signs white receivers and running backs just to confuse Chris Collinsworth. So the announcers have to take another 15 seconds after they get a first down or touchdown to just make sure that they get the guy's name right.

Jeff Fisher is a king for blaming his failures on Stedman Bailey and Tre Mason

Somehow blamed the last five years of sucking on two draft picks. ... 'We've had some unfortunate things take place with some high picks in Stedman, Bailey, and Trey Mason.' ... King stay king.

The only socially acceptable times for men to cry are at the end of Hoosiers or with a hated coworker to save your job

The only times where it's socially acceptable to cry is at the end of Hoosiers. ... And then with somebody that you hate at work when you're both trying to save your jobs.

Philadelphia fans have lost their edge and gotten soft

I feel like Philly's lost its edge recently. Philly has definitely lost its edge. Yeah, Philly, you guys haven't booed anyone who's hurt their spine recently? Philly's been eating shit and you guys haven't been doing anything... I think Philly's gotten soft. Lost its edge.

Jeff Bezos is using Alexa to listen to every conversation in your house

Stay woke on this. Jeff Bezos just told everybody that he's listening to every conversation that you have in your house and keeping track of it.

You shouldn't complain about robots spying on you if you willingly put an Alexa in your house

I don't feel bad for anyone out there who willingly puts a robot in their living room and then complains when the robots start to take over. ... Don't fucking put a robot that can talk in your house. Once the robots get feelings, then we're all fucked.

Bryce Harper will eventually sign with the New York Yankees

Bryce Harper is going to look great in pinstripes. ... If you look back over the course of history, this is the biggest prediction that everybody will get right.

The Red Sox championship window is currently two to three years

Yeah, it's like two or three years. ... Luckily, their third best pitcher [Rick Porcello] just won the Cy Young.

Complaints about there being too many college football bowl games are invalid

Shut the fuck up, people who complain about too many bowls. Oh, there's too much football. Free football is always good. If there's something, oh my God, I don't want to have another game I can bet on on a Tuesday afternoon when I don't want to talk to my family over the holiday season. Shut up.

The first two weeks of bowl season are usually when I make my money in gambling

This is usually the time of year that I do really well in gambling, actually. First two weeks of bowl season. That's when you make your money.

Ryan Fitzpatrick will spend the next ten years as a premier NFL backup

He's got another 10 years in this league as a backup. ... You get your name out there as a starter for four games. Little film. All of a sudden... You're one of the premier backups in the league.

Society needs to invent dual-temperature comfort zones for living rooms and beds

How has human society not reached the point where we have like dual comfort zones for living rooms? We have them in cars. Would it kill you to put one like in a bed? Like have one side of the bed set to a certain temperature, the other at a different?

Nutrition science in athletics is mostly a scam to sell books

I don't know how much nutrition has to really do with anything. I think most of the guys that preach the book of nutrition are looking to do just that, sell books. I'm not sure that there's any validity that you can't eat fats or saturated or carbohydrates. ... There's really no proof that bananas and nuts are any better for you than Big Macs and fries. If you can make the weight, you can make the weight.

Entrance music doesn't actually help athletes; it just entertains the crowd

No, I don't think [entrance music matters]. I mean, I don't know that it helps anybody, but the crowd seems to enjoy it. ... Music's a lot of fun, man. Music's a lot of fun, but I don't know that it helps the athlete.

Conor McGregor would be soundly defeated and unable to land a punch on Floyd Mayweather in a boxing match

I think Conor McGregor, if he had to box Floyd Mayweather in actual boxing rules, he would get beat so soundly, and he would not be able to touch Floyd Mayweather.

Boxing is a sport that almost nobody actually participates in

Mayweather's very good at what he does, but he is in a sport that nobody participates in. ... I never met a man that boxed. I could go a step further. I don't know where a boxing gym is. ... I couldn't tell you where to go to buy boxing gloves. And now that I just said it, you guys and all your listeners are going, yeah, he's right. Nobody boxes.

I recommend testosterone and growth hormone as the best starting performance-enhancing drugs

If you were to use, I would say use testosterone for a couple of reasons. One, it's very effective, but two, it's also very affordable. ... I'll go with testosterone and growth hormone as a second.

An undefeated Group of Five team deserves a shot in the College Football Playoff

Now, if you go 13-0 and 13-0, I think you deserve a shot in the Final Four. I really do. Same thing with a Boise State or a Houston or a Group of Five team that does that.

You will become elite if you surround yourself with elite people, but you'll head to 'Turdville' if you surround yourself with turds

The compass... that's the direction of your life, which will be surrounded by the people that you put yourself around. So if you put yourself around elite people, you're going to be elite. Put yourself around turds or headed towards Turdville.

Tom Flacco has a bright future and will eventually become an elite quarterback

Joe is big, pocket passer. Tom [Flacco] is a little bit smaller, incredibly competitive, and more of a runner. But he's got an incredible arm. He's become very accurate. And the future is bright with Tom Flacco.

Pat Maroon is correct that the NHL is a 'man's game' because the league is currently 100% men

Well, technically, the NHL is 100% dudes, right? It's a major sausage fest. Sounds like [Pat Maroon] is right.

Jeff Fisher is lowering the unemployment rate by cutting so many players and creating new jobs for others

Since he's been such a bad coach, he's had to cut a lot of players, which means he's created new jobs for other players. So really, he's out there. He's lowering the unemployment rate.

Jeff Fisher's record for most losses in NFL history will never be broken

Jeff Fisher's losingest head coach in NFL history might be the untouchable record. ... Because they fire coaches now instantly. If you lose, you get two years max. ... Once Gus Bradley gets fired, then there's no chance anyone will break Jeff Fisher's record.

The Golden State Warriors will eventually hit a low point once the Kevin Durant honeymoon phase ends

They're going to hit their low point. Just wait. Kevin Durant's lurking. Baby back bitch.