Takes

NFL free agents always have a fatal flaw

if you hit the free agent market, you've got some fatal flaw. Right? You're either an attitude issue [or] an injury issue. ... The Redskins said, you can't play anymore. You're so injured, you can't play anymore. And I flunked three physicals.

The Heisman represents the player with the biggest campaign, not the best player

Let's not call it the best college football player because it doesn't represent the best college football player. It represents the guy with the biggest campaign who happens to touch the ball.

Jay Cutler should have played through his injury in the 2010 NFC Championship Game

You had a chance to win that game. ... Show me anybody who gets injured in a game of that magnitude, you still have a chance. ... And he's sitting on the bench, Mopey McMoperson over there. ... You'd have to drag me off the field at that point.

If an apple smells like apples, do not buy it

If it smells appley, do not take that apple. If it smells appley, it's soft. It's like apple sauce. If it has no smell, then it's crisp and firm, and that's the apple you want.

Rex Ryan will get another head coaching job, possibly in Jacksonville or LA

I think that he's going to get another head coaching job. I think he could go to Jacksonville. Oh, can you imagine Rex in L.A.? Rex on the beach with all those bare feet?

The NCAA is struggling so much that they cannot even afford to pay their labor costs

If you paid attention last week, they announced that I think four bowl games this year didn't have a sponsor. So thoughts and prayers to the NCAA. I don't know how they're going to make any money with all their labor costs being what they are.

Everyone should bet the over on the 2016 Boca Raton Bowl

Also, let's all bet the over for fun. Just together... Yeah, we're going to hammer the over. Hammer it. Big time.

LeBron James is taking money out of kids' pockets by resting for games

It's honestly a little bit disgusting on LeBron's part to take a day off... He's taking money out of kids' pockets. He is.

LeBron James sat out against Memphis just to distract people from his Photoshop hair fail

I actually think he did this purposely to get the story about him missing this game so people would stop talking about his Sportsman of the Year award where they forgot to Photoshop his hair back on.

The Seahawks' neon algae green uniforms are the best Color Rush uniforms ever

Color Rush happened last night. Best Color Rush uniforms ever. Ever. Seahawks look pretty good. Seahawks are great. Algae green.

The Buccaneers might actually be the best team in the NFC South

Are we sure the Bucs are also good? [PFT Commenter]: We're not sure that the Bucs aren't the best team in the NFC South. And then you've got to look at the Falcons.

I accurately predicted Jeff Fisher would get fired during the second week of December

I swear to God, after Sunday night's show... I said, Jeff Fisher's going to get fired this week.

The Washington Capitals will definitely win the Stanley Cup this season

This is definitely the capital season to win the Stanley Cup... No, this is the one. This is the one. This is the one.

Professional goalies lose 10 to 12 pounds of body weight during a single game through sweat

With goalies, we have more dehydration issues because we sweat like crazy. We got all the gear on, super hot... I probably lose 10 to 12 pounds in a game.

You have to be a little crazy to be a professional goalie

All goalies are a little bit off. You've got to be a little bit off to do that for a living.

Donald Trump only appoints tall people to his administration

Senator Corker... did not get the Secretary of State job because the guy that got it [Rex Tillerson] is taller than Corker. Apparently Trump fancies tall people who are billionaires... if you're short, you're going nowhere in the Trump administration.

Grown men over the age of 30 should stop using the word dude

When did the word dude become part of the speech. I don't like that... I really don't mind when someone, a teenager or early 20s, uses it. But when you get older, the thing I hate the most is someone my age using it.

Jim Rome is an awful, irritating broadcaster

Oh, [Jim Rome] is terrible. He's awful. And I mean, another one, what does he have to invent a new language for? And he speaks in a whole different way.

Jim Rome is a treasure who has done more for the human race than almost anyone else in media

I think Jim Rome is a treasure. I think that he has done more for the human race than just about anybody outside of Bristol, Connecticut.

Young people need to stop using the word 'like' as a filler word

All people your age and younger do this. The word 'like'. I'm trying to stop [them].

The worse Bill Belichick looks, the better the Patriots play

The more I actually review these outfits, it's just the worse he looks, the better they play. It actually makes sense. He's the opposite of look good, play good.

Tiger Woods switched to Bridgestone golf balls so he can blame the equipment for his poor play

I like the choice by Tiger because you go off brand, you can always blame the balls... I thought these balls had the spin and distance and torque that I needed for my game. I was wrong. That's why I broke my back again and it had nothing to do with the steroids.

Mark Dantonio's approach to fixing Michigan State's problems by 'firing himself' is a great PR move

Mark Dantonio... he fired himself, kind of. He said, to be honest with you, I've taken the approach of, hey, I'm a new coach coming in here. I'm going to fix the things that the other guy did last year... and that's how I'm going to take the approach.

Cats are soul-stealing witches that shouldn't be allowed around babies

This furthers my theory that cats are witches... it is true that cats, when you sneeze, they steal your soul... and they steal baby's breath, too, if you leave a cat in a room with a kid.

Every child born in 2016 is inherently evil

Since 2016 sucks, the futures market for kids is way down right now, because every kid born this year is evil. That's how horoscopes work, by the way.

Jay Mariotti is just a troll looking for attention

It's called a troll that's looking for attention. And I absolutely played right into what he wanted.

Jeff Fisher couldn't even succeed at losing, which is the most losing thing of all

In my opinion, if you're going to do something, be the best at it. He couldn't even succeed at losing, which is really the most losing thing of all.

Donald Trump has nothing to worry about and will serve two full terms as President

So [Trump] met with Kanye today... And Kanye tweeted after he was originally going to run in 2020. He's not going to run until 2024... So Trump is good. Trump has nothing to worry about. Two terms. Eight years. The only thing holding him back from not being president is now over.

A college football coach shouldn't be fired if there's a 'rat' in the building selling plays

So if you missed the story, literally the radio guy for Wake Forest has been selling playbooks and insider information to all of Wake Forest's opponents for the last three years. I didn't know anyone needed help to beat Wake Forest... You can't fire a coach if there's been a rat in the building, right?

People who complain about how much 2016 sucked are officially on the hot seat

My hot seat was, I think I talked about this a month ago, but I want to officially throw it on the hot seat because we're getting close to the end of the year. People who complain about how much 2016 sucked. You only have two weeks left to be a whiny little bitch on Twitter talking about how 2016, worst year ever.

The 'Yates of Hell' nickname is the greatest for someone who can't back it up

Maybe the greatest nickname for someone who can't back it up because this is what happens with TJ Yates. You sell yourself on Yates of Hell, and you even bet on Yates of Hell, and then you remember that it's actually just TJ Yates and he sucks.

Hurdling over a center during a field goal is legal as long as there is no contact

So now you're getting these guys that are getting the running start and going over the top, and if they don't touch anybody, then it's legal. It's legal to hurdle. I just don't know what they could necessarily do other than to say that you can't jump over an opponent, and I just don't see them doing that.

The NFL has a 'goaltending' rule to prevent players from batting field goals away from under the goalpost

But, you know, there's such a foul in the NFL, which people don't really know about... goaltending. They used to put R.C. Owens, I think it was, underneath the goalposts at Kezar Stadium in San Francisco. And he would try to jump up and bat the ball to keep it from going over the upright. And the league said, that doesn't seem fair. And so they actually said that you couldn't.

Yellow colored gloves and cleats should be illegal in the NFL

Should be illegal. I'm going illegal with that. Because we don't want to offend dumb people like yourself.

Harry Douglas's low hit on Chris Harris Jr. was not illegal or dirty

I say dirty from my standpoint is based upon whether it was illegal or not. And it's not illegal. I mean, he's in front. He's blocking low. It's a run up the middle. I don't think it's illegal at all, and I don't think the league does either.

Roger Goodell will change the overtime rules this offseason to eliminate all ties

Roger Goodell's going to change the overtime rules this offseason, so eliminating all ties, and then he's going to say that he saved the NFL yet again.

Jeff Fisher would have broken the all-time NFL loss record if he hadn't been fired

Coach Fisher was one loss shy of the record... speaking with his career, was he going to ever get that record even though it was cut short? [Psychic Laura: 'Absolutely'] He was. It's good to know that if given the time, he would have been successful failing with the losses.

Carson Palmer's NFL career is dead

[Psychic Laura says 'Palmer'] Carson Palmer's career is dead. That actually makes a lot of sense. I barely even know.

The ban on rookie hazing is killing masculinity in this country

Well, I see where Major League Baseball is coming from, but the fact that they're not letting guys dress up like girls is killing masculinity in this country. It's just sick.

LeBron James is the 'Disney' of the NBA and corny as fuck

He's the Disney of the world. He's the Disney of the NBA. He's the Disney of memes. He makes everything corny as fuck.

Lane Kiffin took the FAU job in Boca Raton as 'self-limiting behavior' because the women there are too old to hit on

Here's my spin zone for Lane Kiffin taking this job in Boca Raton. If he wants to go fuck any guy's wife, it's probably like a 100-year-old woman, so he's not going to do it. It's kind of like self-limiting behavior... Lane Kiffin's not going to go to a place where he just wants to cuck every dude he sees. It's like if you're an alcoholic, go take a job in Utah.

Name your kid 'Coach' so they are respected by peers and have job security

Name your kid coach. Why not just give your son, our daughter, the name coach? That way they're respected by all their peers. If they're playing sports growing up, you're taught to respect your coach, and you also are immune to being fired unless you really, really, really suck at your job.

I could make a lot of money as a 'Hanksy' street performer playing bad music as performance art

I just want to set up one of those musical sets but play really bad music and just make people think it's an art piece and see how much money I can make. You're doing a live Banksy. You're doing a Hanksy... Just stand there and just do [a didgeridoo] over and over again. I think people move so fast in New York, they would be like, oh, this guy's pretty genius.

The subway should have a 'fart car' with a discounted monthly pass

There should be a discounted train pass for a fart car. But would you not pay like 50% less a month on your train pass if – but you can only ride in the fart car?

Derek Carr, Russell Wilson, and Dak Prescott are all 'Cali boys' who cannot handle the cold

I'm keeping a list right now of guys that can't handle the cold because we need to update this as we get into the playoffs. [Derek Carr], [Russell Wilson], and now we've got Dak. You know, they're all Cali boys pretty much.

The punter 'hype bubble' will crash within two weeks

I feel like with those three guys [Hecker, McAfee, King], we're entering a punt bubble. It's unsustainable. Punters can't continue to be cool for the next three weeks. There's got to be a crash in there somewhere. So I'm predicting a punter's going to look really uncool... I'm going to go way out on a limb and say that a punter's going to do something dorky in the next couple weeks.

Aaron Rodgers is officially back and the Packers are the team nobody wants to play in January

Aaron Rodgers is officially back. He did his whole thing where everyone talked about how [he] was awful, and then he's rattled off three games that have been great, and the Packers are right back in the thick of things, and they are officially the don't-want-to-play-these-guys-in-January team.

The Detroit Lions are in trouble because Matthew Stafford's finger injury is a season-killer

The Lions are back because something really good happened to them today, and they're in the catbird seat of the NFC North. But then in a win, they also got really bad news as Matthew Stafford dislocated his middle finger on his throwing hand and severed a bunch of ligaments. So they're kind of fucked.

America needs Russia to be the 'bad guy' again to maintain national focus and competition

Russia is back. And not only that, but America's hate for Russia, which is good. The Cold War is back. It is healthy. We need Russia to be in a spot where we wake up always nervous about Russia. You need somebody to point to as your competition.

Mike Zimmer definitely has his play card written on the inside of his eye patch

I thought that [Mike Zimmer] had his play card written on the inside, like crib notes on the inside of his eyepatch. That was probably a really efficient move on his part.