Takes

Butch Jones has Tennessee football headed in the right direction

I love Butch Jones, and he's building the program. It's headed in the right direction... We've planted a lot of seeds, but hopefully one's going to catch on pretty soon.

Joe Flacco is an elite quarterback and I have a Super Bowl ring to prove it

Is he elite or what? I mean, yeah. I've got a Super Bowl ring to prove it.

Kickers are the most psychologically weak people in the world

The problem is we put the most psychologically weak people in a place to do it. Kickers are the most psychologically weak. So we need to put people with stronger minds to become kickers.

Roger Goodell is making kickers miss to save money on the NFL's Salute to Service donations

The NFL donates $1,000 to the three core nonprofit partners for every point scored [during Salute to Service month]. Roger Goodell... is trying to save a little coin. The NFL ratings are hurting... He probably sat everyone down and said, guess what? We'll get some kickers to miss some extra points. Boom. $11,000 saved today.

The NFL is encouraging missed kicks to create '69' scorelines for ratings

I also think tying into it, what's more interesting? A game that's 17-10... Or if you casually glance at a scoreboard and see a 16-9 game? If I see 69 and I'm like, what kind of crazy hijinks was going on there? I'm going to tune in... it's going to make me more likely to watch.

NFL teams should just go for two every single time they score a touchdown

Is there any reason why teams shouldn't just go for two every time? No, not at all. Just go for two every time... isn't 50% of two greater than 97% of one?

Jacksonville cannot beat teams that are named after big cats

Jacksonville has lost seven straight games to teams that are named after big cats, just like the Jaguars. So it's one of those situations where Superman can beat anybody, but he can't beat Kryptonite because he's from Kryptonite.

A quarterback's win capacity is like eggs in a woman's body: once you use them, they're gone

Every quarterback has a set number of wins that's in their body by the time they hit the NFL. It's like eggs inside of a woman's [body]. You're born with that number, and then once you lose them all, then guess what? They're gone forever. So Rodgers won too many games too early.

Adam Schefter didn't go to Mexico because he's afraid of getting kidnapped because he fits perfectly in a trunk

Maybe because his body is so short and it fits so perfectly in a trunk, he doesn't want to go there and get kidnapped.

White is the least racist color because it is actually a combination of every other color

White is actually the combination of every color out there. So it's actually really when you get down to it, it's the least racist color. We're not racist because we're every color. We love white.

Donald Trump saved football because Americans will care less about CTE science during his presidency

Under Trump, the country will care less about truth or facts. It'll be more raw and brutal. Football will be more of an outlet. We'll go back to liking our violent sports... So Trump saved football. He saved football. Already made America great again.

Robert Griffin III will lead the Browns to their first win and his free agent stock will soar

That would be the most Robert Griffin triumph of all time is if he led the Browns to their one win. And then, guess what? Stock goes way up in the free agent marketplace.

Setting a hotel room thermostat to 60 degrees is the best move in life

Stardom, putting the hotel room to like 60 degrees. That is the best move out there. Love doing that. I don't even care if it's winter. Just get under those blankets.

Start buying new clothes for the night before Thanksgiving because it's the biggest bar night of the year

My stardom is getting a haircut and buying exactly one new pair of jeans and a sweater because next Wednesday night, biggest bar night of the year, you're going to see all your old high school friends. Got to be looking fresh.

Start mixing all hotel bathroom products into a single concoction to use at once

My stardom, also hotel-related, is when you just take all the shampoo, soap, conditioner, and just squeeze them into one concoction... The three mini bottles.

The Raiders will beat the Texans in Mexico City as the 'Don Julio Shot of the Week'

And then the Raiders in Mexico City. Hey, what do you say we make that our shot of the week? Don Julio, Mexico tequila. O-Cart Julio. O-Culio. O-Culio shot of the week. Darkheart shot of the week.

The Redskins will beat the Packers in Week 11

And I'm going to walk right into it, and it's going to snatch me up, and I'm taking the Redskins... So I'm going Redskins.

The Patriots will blow out the 49ers in Week 11

Hank, I agree with you on the Patriots. I think they're going to kill the 49ers.

Oregon State is working to become known as 'Punter U'

We've had some pretty good punters come through. The punter for the New England Patriots, Ryan Allen, him and I walked on there together... So we're kind of trying to earn that nickname or the moniker Punter U. Tennessee might have it right now, but we're working on it.

I am effectively the emergency quarterback for the Rams and could manage the game if needed

I still am [the emergency quarterback]. So we only dress two on game day, and I guess if things were to go crazy, they could put me in there to securely hand the ball off to our running backs.

Thomas Morstead would be the last man standing in a punter battle royale

I think Thomas Morstead, actually. I feel like he secretly does karate and stuff, and he's super jacked. John Ryan's also pretty jacked... I don't think I've survived too long to find out.

Jeff Fisher's fashion sense is stuck in the early 2000s NBA 'Double-XL Tall T' movement

I think he really caught on, like, the early 2000s in, like, the double XL tall T movement and just, like, never really moved on. Always wearing sunglasses indoors and stuff, wearing big old T's. I think he's pretty, like, he's pretty hood, actually... He's like early 2000s NBA.

Skyline Chili is good; people only hate it because they have soft out-of-town stomachs

I think it's pretty good... I got a feeling that your hatred for Skyline comes from, you know, just your guys' soft stomachs out there in New York... out-of-towners don't have a very tough stomach.

Being a father makes LeBron James' workload effectively 72-hour days

LeBron's a father. He's got three kids. Being a father is a 24-hour-a-day job. So really, LeBron James works, what, 72-hour days? He works every, yeah. Doesn't get paid for it? Yep. So I can understand why that would take a little bit out of you.

I feel washed up at 31 while LeBron James claims he is only getting stronger

LeBron came out today and said, he had this to say, people think I'm going to slow down, but I'm only getting stronger. Huh. We're LeBron's age, right? We're both 31. Do you feel like you're getting stronger as a human? Because I feel like I'm getting washed up day by day.

The website Fantex, which sold stock in athletes, is a total scam

I went to Fantex.com. You'll remember Fantex is the company that allowed you to buy stock in professional athletes. Totally reputable company where you could pay like $10,000 to get like half a percentage of half a percentage of Arian Foster's future earnings. Not a Ponzi scheme. Not a Ponzi scheme at all. Totally legit, above board, and their website's not working.

The fact that creepy clowns disappeared immediately after the election proves Donald Trump paid them to create chaos during the campaign

What happened to the clowns?... Before the election. Now the clowns just are gone? Chaos is good for Trump. You don't think Trump bought some clowns and had them kind of have some panic around America? Because that's coincidental that the clowns are just not here anymore.

Kansas is a complete team that has everything

I really like this Kansas team. And maybe it was because Duke seemed like a classic Duke team where they were a little soft down low. But I thought this Kansas team has everything.

You watch college basketball to see Duke players cry after tournament losses

If you are not a Duke fan, you watch college basketball for the moment that Luke Kennard and Grayson Allen cry during the tournament after they get stunned by a 10-seed. That's why you watch.

Brad Stevens is on the hot seat

My hot seat, Brad Stevens. He's 5-5. He's coming into the season, predicted to be number two. He's coaching for his job.

If Brad Stevens became available, Indiana would fire Tom Crean immediately

I don't think it would matter if Indiana was good or not. If Brad Stevens became available... You just fired Tom Crean. Yeah, Tom Crean is gone.

The Steelers are on the Hot Seat because they are no longer playing 'Steelers football'

My hot seat is Steelers football. Pittsburgh is not playing Steelers football. They're not winning. They're not playing defense... they're not running the ball, they're 25th in the league in running. Pittsburgh needs to get back to running the ball and stopping the run.

A team of college basketball players could beat an NBA team because they try harder

NBA players don't try. They don't try like the college kids... I can't be the only one who thinks that a team of college players could put together a team and beat an NBA team. At least they would try harder.

I want to play in the NFL for at least eight more years

I wanted to play in the league for at least eight years to the minimum. I mean, at least at least it's going to go at least far further.

Buy New Balance stock now and sell it right before New Year's

I'm going to disagree with you. I think now's the time to buy stock in New Balance because, like we said, the people who are buying New Balance right now aren't going to know that it's racist for a while. So they're going to keep buying, okay? And meanwhile, the neo-Nazis probably weren't buying New Balance already. Now there's going to be a run on New Balance. So it's a short play. You buy New Balance, and then you dump it right before New Year's.

LeBron's leadership and teammates calling Tristan Thompson 'Tris Kardashian' caused his breakup with Khloe

LeBron's leadership... people on the team were calling him Tris Kardashian, and you can't have that sort of fraction in the locker room. [LeBron's] crime syndicate is to blame for this.

Sweating is just your skin having an orgasm

My first take is saying sweating is making your skin cum. So that was funny when I wrote it down at the time.

The show should add a new segment where I play the singer of AC/DC in between segments

My third [idea] is that we should do a new segment... where it's just the singer of AC/DC in between songs... how he acts on stage. Oh, so like every time we switch a segment i'll be like how many of you out there like a rock and roll music can i hear all you yell yeah yeah.

Trains should have a 'Game of Inches' flatbed car with wide open doors for people who are running late

We need to start having trains. The last car is the Game of Inches car. The doors are always wide open. And if you miss it by a second, you can jump. Anyone who ever gets a pass on the train has to sign a waiver. So if you go for the Game of Interest card and you die, that's on you.

The Houston Texans might actually be better without J.J. Watt

And we're all have to wonder, are the Texans better without J.J. Watt?

The great uniter in America is watching Tony Romo look miserable

America can always get behind watching Tony Romo look miserable. That is the great uniter here in America. And we're used to seeing it after he throws a fourth quarter interception... This time it was when they were winning and he was trying to put on that happy face. And it turns out that Tony Romo putting on a happy face is actually the saddest thing you've ever seen.

If Wisconsin wins out, they will lose to Alabama by 50 in the playoffs

This is a classic year where I start to tell myself, oh, maybe the Big Ten is really going to be back. And then one of those teams, probably Wisconsin, if they can win out, goes to Alabama, plays Alabama, and loses by like 50-7 or something like that.

We need to bring back the BCS because computers don't have chaos

Computer's fault for ranking these teams too high. We need the BCS back. Is there a bug in the system? You know when there was never chaos? Russians are hacking the BCS system. Never had chaos. I know I agree. Forget that, let's bring it all back.

Home PAs should trick Russell Wilson by pretending to be the voice of God

Russell Wilson is the kind of guy that you could imagine a PA guy getting on the mic and going, 'Russell, this is God. I need you to throw an interception.' And Russell Wilson would at least consider that might be God... He thinks God talks to him. There are ways that you can exploit that.

At age 39, Tom Brady is still the best quarterback in the NFL.

Tom Brady's 39. He's the best quarterback in the league.

Football is officially back and here to stay.

The whole sport of football. It's been a whole long season. Everyone's shitting on it, saying it's only got so much time, 25 years before it's gone forever. This weekend was a perfect example. It's back, and it's here to stay.

The Detroit Lions officially beat the bye week after everyone else in the NFC North lost.

The lions beat the bye week because every team lost except the lions. That's right. So that snaps their 30-year consecutive losing streak against the bye week.

Every NFL team that passed on Dak Prescott will be draft shamed forever

Dak Prescott has been named the starter. He was drafted 135... You could have had Dak Prescott. And people will remind you every single day... Everyone gets draft shamed now that Dak Prescott is officially the starter and a superstar.

Kerry Collins 'won' by coming out of retirement for $4 million and immediately retiring again after one hit.

Kerry Collins got paid, came out of retirement, got $4 million, got knocked out by J.J. Watt week one. 'My head hurts, my head hurts, my head hurts.' Retired again, didn't play... boy, he won.

Jay Feely is the absolute worst special teams analyst and I don't like him.

I don't like Jay Feely. I don't like Jay Feely... I hated him before he got on TV and sounded awful... [He] comes in and goes, 'tough kick here.' Okay, thanks, Jay. Way to go, Jay.