Takes

Andrew Luck apologizing to defenders is a mind game

He says, like, 'good hit.' I think it's a mind game. Keep him friendly. That's what I try to do... Try to keep on the good side. But Andrew's at that point where I need to do that. Andrew doesn't need to do that... Gotta be the only guy in the league that does it.

Chris Boswell's failed onside kick was an attempt to become a meme

They were doing it to become a meme instead of winning a football game. Bang. Maybe that's the thought. I don't know why you would do it. I don't know why else you would do it... I attempted it a couple of days in practice and thought I'd throw my ACL.

Indianapolis is the fast food mecca of the world.

Indianapolis is like a sample ground, basically, for fast food chains. We got everything. Whatever you possibly, we have it, except for In-N-Out. Indianapolis is like a sample ground, basically, for fast food chains.

Talent shows are ruined by forcing contestants to have sad backstories.

Every talent show you watch... they want to make you cry with every fucking contestant, right? I understand, but I'm watching this to be entertained. I don't want to fucking feel bad for somebody. So I wanted to make a talent show where there's no backstories. We don't give a shit.

Gladiator fights to the death would draw huge ratings

If there were to be actual gladiator fights on television... I'd watch. I think it would draw huge ratings. Like, yeah, fight to the death. Someone's got to die. Someone's got to die... Someone's got to die within 10 minutes. Or else they both die.

I would only watch gladiator fights to the death if the participants were all criminals.

They've got to be criminals. So my conscience can, yeah, they have to either be pot smokers or Adderall abusers. Criminals, you know, criminals.

Conor McGregor is the most electric athlete in all sports right now

Is Conor McGregor the most electric athlete in all sports right now? I think he is. I actually think he is. He's the one guy in the world where I have to watch everything he does... what Conor McGregor does is not only the fight, but it's after the fight. You have to watch what he says. He's unbelievable.

Magic Johnson is healthier than LeBron James because he conquered AIDS

I would make the case Magic Johnson might be a little bit more healthy [than LeBron]. Like the guys, he's conquered AIDS. 25 years. But I guess they didn't factor AIDS into this equation. But still.

NFL ratings will skyrocket now that the election is over

All those people who are watching electric coverage instead of the NFL, welcome back. The league is better than ever. Ratings are going to skyrocket.

A unified hatred of being a Browns fan is the only thing that can pull the nation together

The most healing thing might be to sit down and all watch the Browns because we're all experiencing relief that at least we're not Browns fans. That is the one thing that can pull our nation together, our unified hatred of potentially being a Browns fan.

LeBron James is due to get busted for steroids at any time

And LeBron's due to get busted for steroids any time now.

Barack Obama would be an electric Sunday Night Football announcer

I think he [Obama] would make a good Sunday night football announcer. You team him up with Peyton Manning. I think he'd be electric in the booth.

Nick Saban views every election as a threat to his recruiting

Saban's a smart guy... Saban knows that he has to recruit Republicans from Republican and Democratic families. So he sees every election as a threat to his recruiting.

Donald Cerrone is a strong betting value against Kelvin Gastelum

I got to say I see value on the Cerrone side. He's been unstoppable as a welterweight... To me, a guy like Donald Cerrone, who you know brings it the way he does in that minus 155 range... would be appetizing to some bettors.

Joanna Jędrzejczyk is the baddest woman on the planet

But, dude, [Jędrzejczyk], this champion, just Joanna for short. Dude, she's the baddest woman on the planet. I think she stands to gain the most from being on a pay-per-view led by Conor McGregor.

Tyron Woodley is a live underdog against Stephen Thompson

Tyron Woodley can do it all, and he's going to have to wrestle... he does have the bigger power shot. So to me, plus 166, plus 170... I think there's a little value there... don't sleep on Tyron Woodley. I think he's a live dog.

Conor McGregor has a great chance to knock out Eddie Alvarez in the first round

I think there's a great chance Conor McGregor gets [Eddie Alvarez] out of there in the first round, to be honest with you. Connor's that specialist striker... Connor's left hand is no joke man and i don't know i think he lands and he finds it

Larry the Goldfish has a great chance to cash in the Westgate SuperContest

I'm rooting for him, man. 26-18-1. I think he's going to cash. I think he has a great chance to cash, which is just unbelievable.

Tim Tebow only quit football because of the NFL's crackdown on Adderall

So the NFL starts suspending players for taking Adderall, and Tim Tebow quits football entirely to go to baseball. I think he's just on Adderall all the time... we think Tim Tebow's thing is he is just straight up on copious amounts of Adderall all the time. Because he keeps changing. I'm going to be a football player... then I'm going to be on ESPN... then I'm going to play baseball.

Calling Ryan Tannehill a game manager is a huge compliment

Ryan Tannehill, if you walk up to Ryan Tannehill, I'm like, hey, Ryan. Your game manager, he's got to say thank you, right? Yep. Absolutely. That's a great, great thing to be for Ryan Tannehill at this point in his career.

Donald Trump winning the election is the best thing that ever happened to Roger Goodell

Trump's the best thing that ever happened to [Roger Goodell]. Because he was the number one most hated guy in America... Roger basically was hitting on a woman inappropriately. And then a real drunk guy comes and bumps into her. And he's like, damn, this guy's a real fucking asshole.

The Jaguars will have a bounce-back week and beat the Texans

I'm going with the Jaguars, too. I think this is their bounce back week. They're at home. I'm going to be jagging off hard on Sunday.

The Steelers will win by two touchdowns against the Cowboys if they have any pride

That Steelers game is actually one of those. Like if the Steelers are any good and have any pride, they win by two touchdowns against the Cowboys.

Collecting football cards is a legitimate hobby, but playing Magic: The Gathering makes you a nerd

I also want to give a shout out to everybody out there that knows that a real hobby isn't playing cards. It's collecting football cards. So if you have a $20,000 football card, you're not a nerd. But if you have a Magic: The Gathering set, you are one.

Owners of sports teams have a 66% election success rate in the new millennium

66% of the time in the new millennium, we've elected owners of sports teams. People forget that George Bush owned part of the Texas Rangers.

Hillary Clinton is the Dan Marino of politics because she lacks the clutch gene

I think we need to start talking to Hillary Clinton in the light of does she have the clutch gene because she's big time loser she's taken a couple big l's on a national stage recently yeah um does she lack it she's the Dan Marino of politics that's a great great analogy

Kanye West has a real shot to win the presidency in 2020

I think Donald Trump winning 2016, Kanye has a shot in 2020. I mean, people like him a lot more than they like Donald Trump and Donald Trump won the landslide.

Sylvester Stallone will run for president in 2020

I'm going with Sly. I'm going Sylvester Stallone. I think this country started down a path of celebrities. That path started with Schwarzenegger a long time ago. Jesse Ventura was the original. I think the next step is Sly.

Barack Obama will admit that aliens exist before he leaves office in 2016

In 2016, as we switch presidents, the current president is going to admit that there are aliens out there which will probably spurn a world government because we'll all have to get together and be like, it's bigger than just us.

NFL officials have a sweet system where poor performance leads to more pay and training

My cool throne is NFL officials, and the reason why is because everybody's complaining about them, and the NFL officials have such a sweet system set up that the answer to poor NFL officiating is to make them full-time employees. So everyone's saying, hey, what are these guys doing out here just being part-time? Let's pay them more.

NFL ratings are down because the league is in a transition period for superstar quarterbacks

One is it seems to be a league a little bit in transition, right? So like Peyton Manning is no longer, obviously no longer playing Brady missed the first four weeks. There's not really, there's just not a ton of like high profile must see quarterbacks slash figures... Carson Wentz and Dak are good, but just not quite the same people that draw in, like, the average viewer.

Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler are the two most annoying quarterbacks for NFL referees to deal with

I sat next to a referee... I just wanted to know who just like his team shows up... and you're like, crap, I got to deal with this freaking guy all game long. And the two answers of most annoying were Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler.

The Seahawks' strategy is to force referees to call pass interference every single time until they stop calling it

The Seahawks do this. This is what they do. They basically make the refs call calls in big moments in the game... They basically say we're going to grab and hold and have pass interference and force the refs to call it.

Jeff Fisher only gets fired if the Rams have a real collapse this season

I would say it would take... This year, it would take a real collapse. What the hell does that mean? You know, it would have to be like... We no longer have faith in this person... to direct this team toward winning.

The Rams are either crazy/idiots or Jared Goff simply isn't good enough to play yet

There's only two ways that that makes sense. One is they're crazy. They're crazy and idiots and don't know what they're doing. The other way is He's not ready... If Bryce Petty was a better quarterback than Ryan Fitzpatrick, he would be playing.

John Gruden will never coach again because his TV life is too good

I don't think John Gruden will ever coach again. He has the best life ever... He makes like $6 million a year, whatever it is... Works one day a week. Plays golf.

Jay Mariotti will be the White House Press Secretary for Donald Trump

Jay Mariotti is going to be White House press secretary, and he's going to make sure that only respectable journalists get a seat in that crowd. It all makes sense to me. He was playing the long game.

NFL coaches wearing windbreakers with flags during Salute to Service month is 'stolen valor.'

I like the windbreakers that the coaches are wearing on the sidelines. They have their name and the American flag on it. It's basically a military uniform that they're wearing. So you could consider it to be stolen valor.

I am celebrating 'Pubesimber' instead of Movember because I can't grow good facial hair.

It's a rough month for me and guys like me that are faceballed that don't have the genetic blessings to be able to grow good facial hair. So since you guys are out there celebrating Movember, I actually celebrate Pubesimber... grow out the winter coat.

The Raiders are officially back.

The Raiders. The Raiders are officially back. And it's fun. The Raiders are like Notre Dame or maybe even the Yankees where everything's more fun when they're back.

Chip Kelly will leave the San Francisco 49ers for the Oregon head coaching job.

So Chip Kelly rumors are back, and I think he's going to go to Oregon. Then again, he did say he's not interested in it, and as we know, as Nick Saban proved to us... if a coach in the NFL says they're not going to college, that means they're not going to college.

Norv Turner is a football guy for 'falling on the sword' and quitting to help his team.

Norv Turner doesn't look like a football guy for quitting, right? But... He said that he felt like he was holding the team back. So he killed himself for the betterment of the team. Fell on the sword.

The Charlotte Hornets will be 4-1 by the time this interview airs on Monday.

Actually, we're probably not going to have this interview until Monday, so what's your record going to be then? [Spencer Hawes]: Probably 4-1.

Being ranked outside the top four in the College Football Playoff provides motivation for the Washington Huskies.

I actually think that it's going to provide us some good motivation being outside of the top four. Don't let the kids get complacent. Don't let them start reading all the headlines. Flip the script on them a little bit. Control our own destiny.

Wisconsin will beat Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship Game after Ohio State beats Michigan.

Ohio State is going to beat Michigan, then meet us [Wisconsin] in the Big Ten championship game, and Wisconsin's going to beat Ohio State.

A team of all-star white guys would beat an all-star team of black guys because of 'grit' and 'taking charges.'

Who do you guys think would win, a team of all-star white guys or black guys?... Like I said, a lot of grit on our side. Miles and miles of heart. You guys could just take charges every possession.

If Jimmy Butler wins NBA MVP, I will undergo a sex change and become 'Marlins Woman'.

If Jimmy Butler does somehow win an MVP, PFT is going to get a sex change. [PFT]: I'm going to become Marlins woman, officially, yeah. That's how confident I am that this will never happen.

Spencer Hawes is on pace to record 55 dunks this season.

I actually told Frank before the game I'm on pace for about 55 dunks.

Chicago is the 'Parade King' city with the best fans in the world.

All I know is that we parade cocked everyone else... Chicago Parade Kings, best fans... Chicago one-upped it [Tampa Bay].

Steve Bartman should decide when he returns to the spotlight, not the media.

The media has a weird fascination with getting Steve Bartman back involved with the Cubs now. It's so stupid... Steve Bartman gets to decide if he wants to come back, not the other way around.