Takes

Anthony Rizzo gave the World Series ball to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts to suck up for a new contract.

Kind of a nice gesture, but like, dude, you're just giving away $2 million? Weird, right? Well, maybe Anthony Rizzo signed a contract... He's wildly underpaid. So maybe he's doing a little brown-nosing to get the owner to rip up the contract and give him some more money.

PFT Commenter effectively built a hospital by giving Kyle Rudolph the nickname 'Big Country.'

They printed up a bunch of t-shirts... and they're using the concept to raise money for the Kyle Rudolph's End Zone campaign, an effort to build a state-of-the-heart... space at Masonic Children's Hospital. So Ipso facto, I kind of built a hospital.

Game 7 of the 2016 World Series was the greatest baseball game ever played

It was maybe the greatest Game 7 I've ever watched. I mean, I'm not going to say any sport, but definitely in baseball. It was so exciting. It had a little bit of everything.

The Cubs must name Jason Heyward captain next season for his rain delay speech

Jason Heyward had the greatest pump-up speech. $184 million speech is what Theo [Epstein] paid for. A players-only meeting during a rain delay. That's what you give the guy the big bucks... you've got to make Jason Heyward captain.

The Cubs do not win the World Series without Kyle Schwarber

I mean, the Cubs don't win the World Series without Kyle Schwarber. No, it's absolutely a fact. I think he had 10 hits.

The 2016 World Series eliminated the ability for anyone to make '3-1 lead' jokes at the Golden State Warriors' expense

The true winner was Steph Curry, because any Cleveland person who tries to make fun of the Warriors can get that [the Indians blowing a 3-1 lead] thrown back in their face... it just basically eliminated the joke solely at the Warriors' expense.

The Dolphins offensive line is fixed and the Jets are bad

I'm going to go with the Dolphins. I think their offensive line is fixed and going to play well, and I think the Jets are frauds. Not even frauds. They're just bad.

The Titans will lose to the Chargers because they spent too much emotion on their Color Rush game

I don't like the Titans. They're coming off an emotional color rush game against the Jaguars, a rivalry match, so I think that there was a lot of emotion spent in that game that they're not going to be able to pull out.

I made a 'boatload' of money betting the over on the Cubs' total and the Cubs money line in Game 7

I made some coin on my bookie last night on the Cubs. Had the over on the Cubs total, and I had the Cubs winning outright money line. So I'm basically bathing in money right now.

Jay Glazer is the person who leaves skid marks in the Fox NFL Sunday dressing rooms

Every week, someone goes in and does the number two... But it's always Jay [Glazer]. We always know, every 100%, it's always Jay.

NFL ratings are down because of poor game matchups, not boycotts

The numbers on the big games... they're down dramatically. But those have been crap games this year. The matchups are horrible... Tennessee and Jacksonville is not going to do great ratings... people aren't turning off those games. They're not watching the national games. They're not watching the crap games.

Invented 'Baldinger's cat' — a quarterback is both elite and not elite at the same time, with Joe Flacco as the perfect example

I came up with a theory. It's known as Baldinger's cat. It's not Schrodinger, it's Baldinger's cat. It's when a quarterback is both elite and not elite at the same time. Joe Flacco — perfect example. Baldinger's cat.

The Patriots and Seahawks will meet in a Super Bowl LI rematch

I think you're right about the Patriots. Who are they going to lose to? I'm taking Seattle. rematched of the game two years ago. I think their offensive line eventually gets straightened out.

Pete Carroll still believes he made the right decision passing the ball in Super Bowl XLIX

He still thinks he made the right decision. His argument is they did the same thing earlier in the season that nobody remembers, but it worked out... [he said] sometimes you make the right decision, and it doesn't work out your way.

Game 7 of the 2016 World Series was the most pressurized event in human history

Jason [Whitlock] was coming for the crown... He said, 'Game seven was the most pressurized event, perhaps, in human history.' So thoughts and prayers to the Civil War. D-Day. Maybe if Theo [Epstein] had been working for the South, we'd all be speaking Cajun right now.

LeBron James was hungover for the Celtics game after drinking a beer at the World Series

LeBron got caught on TV sipping a little beer... You should have bet on the Celtics last night because LeBron James was hungover. A little dinged up.

The Marlins Man curse has officially moved to the city of Cleveland

The Marlins Man curse on the city of Cleveland just kicked in last night. He called his shot. He said, guess what? If the Indians lose, they are cursed. They're cursed because they were rude to me three years ago... and they don't have seats that you can see on television behind home plate.

The Sacramento Kings and Brooklyn Nets will both fail to win 50 games this season due to our PMT curse

Neither the Nets nor the Kings are going to win 50 games this year... by the power in Pardon My Take and all that are curses and witchcraft.

Aroldis Chapman's ankle will be swollen and he will feel the injury in Game 7

Tomorrow it's going to swell. [Chapman] is going to feel it. He's probably, I don't know, maybe he's got some recovery water... but tomorrow it's going to swell. He's going to feel it.

Aroldis Chapman being brought in for the 9th inning of a 7-run game was weird managing

The ninth was a little weird when it ended up being a seven-run game. But we shall see.

The 2016 World Series is engineered for the Cubs to win in seven games

I think that this has all been engineered behind the scenes, and you're going to be the one that reaps all the rewards. So congratulations in advance on tonight's World Series champion, your 2016 Chicago Cubs.

Butch Jones is on the hot seat at Tennessee

My Hot Seat's Butch Jones. South Carolina took the big L to them. He's had a rough season. They had some national championship hopes. They've lost a lot of games, so I think he's on the hot seat.

Next year is finally Tennessee's year and Butch Jones needs one more season

I'm going to say that you've got to give Butch Jones one more year. He's got a good recruiting class, and next year is Tennessee's year. I really think so.

Jeff Fisher will start Jared Goff in the next three to four weeks to avoid being fired

I'm going to call my shot. Within, I'm going to say, three or four weeks, depending on the record, I think Jeff Fisher is going to make the call. He's going to move Jared Goff up. And at that point, you can't fire a coach when he's developing a quarterback. So that's going to buy him two more years.

Jay Cutler is on the Cool Throne for the foreseeable future in Chicago

Well, considering the fact that Brian Hoyer is out for the year, Connor Shaw is out for the year, Matt Barkley, who knew that he was in the NFL until he came in for a couple plays, I think Jay Cutler is cool throne for a while here. Finally, some continuity at quarterback for Chicago.

Connor McDavid is the best hockey player in the last 10-15 years

Connor McDavid, for all you hockey guys out there, is probably the best player in the last 10, 15 years. I mean, he's like a Sidney Crosby, Ovechkin-type guy, so he's exciting to watch.

The Washington Capitals will win the Stanley Cup this year

I like Washington. I can't get away from it. Everyone says it's their time, I'm telling you... they're so deep and you can tell that they're kind of almost one of those teams [waiting for the playoffs].

NHL teams are generally locked into their final standings by Christmas

I think if at Christmas, Christmas right around the new year, if the team is – that's pretty much where you see a lot of teams are going to end up where they are then. They can go up and down a little bit, but bearing a huge kind of run or something like that, teams are kind of going to end up where they are around Christmas.

You need to hammer the over on the Ottawa Senators every night

You need to start betting the over on the Ottawa Senators every night. I'm talking hammering. They're not great defensively, but they can score goals. They are commonly in like 4-3, 5-3 games... I haven't been doing as great as I'd hoped, but I believe they're going to come around.

Hockey guys must check their kids' candy bags for tampered candy after trick-or-treating

Yeah, you know, I mean, you got to check the candy bags when you get home, though, eh?

LeBron James would be the best hockey player ever but would never play due to minor injuries

LeBron would be the best hockey player of all time... [but] he wouldn't play in one because in the preseason he'd probably get like an elbow bruise. Like, you know when you, like, hurt your bursitis in your elbow?

I will get a sex change if Jimmy Butler wins NBA MVP

I'll put this out. I will go ahead and I'll have a sex change if Jimmy Butler becomes the MVP. I will become Marlon's woman. Done.

NBA teams should replace high-paid stars with soldiers and teachers for 100% win rate

The Oklahoma City Thunder, instead of signing Steven Adams, they could have signed 446 teachers a year to play basketball for them... Can you imagine an NBA team that was just soldiers and teachers? Never lose.

I am 70% confident that the Cubs will force a Game 7 in the World Series

I'm 70% confident that the Cubs can get to Game 7. [Then] Game 7 is 50-50. Game 7 is a coin flip.

I am 100% confident the Bears will lose to the Vikings on Monday Night Football

No, the Bears are going to lose to the Vikings. Actually, I'm 100% confident in that.

Rugby sold out Soldier Field before lacrosse did

Rugby actually sold out Soldier Field before lacrosse did. So just a little check on your predictions.

The Raiders are officially back as the 'Bad Boy' team of the NFL

I have the Bad Boy Raiders are back. The team of the 70s. Silver and black... They set a record for most penalties in a game... Al Davis bad boys are in town.

Discounted candy the day after Halloween is an S-tier life hack

Discounted candy. After Halloween, who's back? You go into Dwayne Reed and it's 50% off your Snickers bars. Hey, get this fucking candy off my shelves, huh? Give you a discount on it.

NFL ratings are down primarily because the prime time games have been poor

One reality is the games haven't been very good... You're going to have some crappy primetime games. But even Jaguars-Titans... the problem is, more often than not, the primetime games have been crap.

The NFL should adopt the college football overtime system to eliminate ties

I wouldn't have a problem with them ripping up the current overtime system and just going with the college approach. That works. The games are exciting. And I don't think anyone's ever complained that the college system is not a good system.

The Cowboys will stick with Dak Prescott as long as he continues to win games

If Dak Prescott continues to win games, then the decision is you roll with the hot hand... I think they are going to stick with Prescott as long as he keeps doing well.

Stephen Jones and Jason Garrett make the big decisions in Dallas while letting Jerry Jones be the face of the franchise

When it's time to make big decisions, it's Stephen Jones and Jason Garrett that make the decisions and they otherwise let Jerry think he's running the show.

The Vikings will eventually find a spectacular way to blow their season

I know what's going to happen. They're going to find a way to blow it, and maybe in a spectacular fashion... Either way, they're going to find a way to blow it. It's either going to be the offensive line that crumbles... or it's going to be Blair Walsh missing another field goal.

The NFL will move to an 18-game regular season within the next five years

There's a chance it will if the NFL makes enough concessions to the union... if there's a way that they can address that issue [player health]... it's going to happen.

LSU will lose to Alabama because Coach O is a 'simple coach' who can't handle a two-week bye

I think LSU's fucked this week. My sabermetrics is you can't give Coach O two weeks to do anything. Coach O has to have a game a week... You don't spend 14 days studying 2 plus 2 equals 4.

The Golden State Warriors would miss the playoffs if the season ended today (Oct 31, 2016)

If the season ended today, the Golden State Warriors would not be in the playoffs.

There would be no World Series champion if the season ended today

If the season ended today, we're taping this before the Cubs game, if the season ended today, there would be no World Series champion.

Roger Goodell is orchestrating NFL ties by having kickers miss short field goals on purpose

These teams are tying on purpose. Roger Goodell has the kickers in his back pocket... There's been five missed field goals in the entire season, 30 yards or less, and two of them happened in the same game [Seahawks-Cardinals]? ... He's going to fix the ties. We're going to get another tie. I'm telling you.

The Jaguars vs Titans Color Rush game is my favorite game of the year

Titans versus Jaguars. It is my favorite game of the year, and it did not disappoint in terms of the suck that we are accustomed to.

Making your bed in a hotel is psycho behavior

Nantz gave major props to Marcus Mariota for making his bed. He makes his bed even in the hotels. That's some psycho shit. Real psycho shit. Any other person who makes their bed that has never served in the armed forces is also probably a serial killer.