Takes

A college team like Alabama could potentially beat a professional NFL team

Doesn't that say that maybe after all, like an Alabama football team could beat some professional football teams? [Blake Bortles: Yeah, I mean, I guess it's kind of like the miracle on ice back in the day. You know, I guess there's always a possibility.]

The team's kicker would be the best choice for a coxswain role

Personality-wise, a long snapper would be perfect for [coxswain], but... long snappers usually aren't that small, so I'd probably say it'd have to be our kicker.

I am a negative John Thomas sign candidate

I just want you guys to know that I'm actually a negative John Thomas sign candidate... [PFT: So your penis points away from your injuries.] That's correct.

Forty percent of women experience male pattern baldness

Hey, but also, small spoiler, 40% of women experience it... male pattern baldness.

NBA Draft night is the most boring night of the sports year

Can I be honest with you? I think that the NBA draft night is the most boring night of the sports year. I think the ESPY night is more electric than the NBA draft night.

Gershon Yabusele is the Celtics' future championship captain

The Celtics drafted their future championship captain, Gershon Yabusele, from France.

The NBA should draft fat guys and let them work themselves into shape

Why aren't they drafting really fat guys and saying, well, he'll lose the weight, he'll lose the weight, like he'll get in shape? That seems unfair... fat guys, they don't get the benefit of the doubt. Oh, they'll work themselves in shape. No, you never hear that.

The next trend in the NBA will be drafting the fattest team possible

The Warriors got good by doing the opposite of everybody else. They went small. There's going to be a swing soon. You want to get out in front of that and just draft the fattest team possible.

The Phoenix Suns are officially 'America's Team'

[Reese Davis] said some people call the Suns America's team. ... I think we should roll with it. ... if they're America's team, they're America's team. ... America's team. ... sons, sons, sons, sons.

Cleveland is the 'new Boston' full of pink-hat bandwagon fans

Population of Cleveland, 390,000. So, you know what that tells me? That tells me that Cleveland is like the new Boston Red Sox. Pink hat wearers. Bandwagoners. Bandwagon fans. Cleveland's the new it town to go to. ... I'm done with Cleveland.

LeBron James is the greatest of all time

LeBron James, greatest of all time. 23.

The Cavaliers were the better team in the 2016 NBA Finals

Listen, the better team won. ... I talk shit about LeBron, but I never talk about him as a player. He's a fucking beast. They played great. ... and the game seven lived up to all the hype.

Derrick Rose can't dunk anymore

Derek Rose doesn't dunk. He can't dunk anymore. He dunked once last year, and it wasn't even a dunk. He, like, lightly put it over the rim.

Derrick Rose is a 'low-risk, high-reward' trade for the Knicks

I do think it's a low-risk, high-reward. You're never going to get him back all the way. But if you can get, like, 75% of Derrick Rose back, then you're right. It was a good trade. So, I mean, you've got to make that trade if you're the Knicks.

The Knicks should sign Dwight Howard to form a 'Big Three' with Carmelo Anthony and Derrick Rose

Dwight Howard might come to New York... Dwight Howard, Derrick Rose, Carmelo Anthony. Whoa. Talk about some fucking all-stars, bro. That's a big three, man.

Ezekiel Elliott will rush for at least 200 yards in his rookie season

I think [Ezekiel Elliott] is going to put up like bare minimum at least – you can quote me on this – at least 200 yards this year. At least.

J.R. Smith should put a shirt on

J.R. Smith could stand to put a shirt on. ... I guess just because you won a championship, I guess you can be a stripper now and you can just take off your shirt.

If you die during your team's championship celebration, it is not a bad way to go

Honestly, if you die during your team's championship, not the worst way to go... If you're a Clevelander and you die during the celebration of your first championship, I don't even think that's a Jimbo. I think that they're going to build a statue for you.

You can't fart during a soccer game because it's a 'beautiful' and 'classy' game

I don't want, I mean, that's, you can't fart during a soccer game. Everyone knows that. ... It's a beautiful game. ... We, you don't do that shit. It's a classy game.

Johnny Manziel should retire from football and play baseball to pull a 'Michael Jordan'

Retire from football, play baseball, come back to football, win three Super Bowls, call it the Michael Jordan.

J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet

Basically, J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet Earth. That's what I've learned from this.

LeBron James will go play minor league baseball for the Chicago White Sox

LeBron James is going to go play minor league baseball for the Chicago White Sox.

LeBron James will sign with the Lakers and change his name to LeBron Bryant

I'm going to say number one, the Lakers, and he switches his name to LeBron Bryant and wears Kobe Bryant's jersey all next year.

The NBA Draft is a huge letdown compared to the NFL Draft

The pageantry, the electricity and all the bells and whistles that go along with the NFL draft, there's absolutely none of it for the NBA. It's basically, here's the NBA draft... You sit on your couch, you drink one beer, and then you refresh Adrian Wojnowski's Twitter feed for three hours. And that's your entire NBA draft experience.

European basketball players are inherently soft

I don't know what it is about European players, but my instinct is when everyone's taken, I'm like, wow, what a dumb pick. It doesn't matter. They're soft. That's not offensive. That's just true... All the tough guys in Europe play soccer.

Skip Bayless is the greatest sports entertainer of the last hundred years

I'm questioning anybody's intelligence that's listening to us right now and not tuning in to First Take to see Skip Bayless' curtain call on that show. Possibly the greatest sports entertainer of the last hundred years.

Rick Pitino did not know about the escort scandal in the Louisville dorms

I truly take Coach's side on this. I don't think he knew that Andre McGee was doing that for the players. I think he was caught up surprised by that. Coach is not around the dorms and those things with the guys. You know, that's why he hires his ex-coaches or ex-young coaches so they can handle that type of stuff.

LeBron James would have entertained leaving Cleveland if they had lost the 2016 Finals

I think if he didn't win the title... You know, you can put a lot of different scenarios together. I think he probably would have thought about leaving. I think obviously now winning, he can't go nowhere. But I did believe if they did lose, he would have entertained. But I thought he would try to go west.

Shaquille O'Neal used to walk around the Miami Heat locker room fully naked all the time

When he gets out the shower and stuff, everybody else is putting towels on and wrapping up. [Shaq] will come out just naked. Yeah, that's Shaq for you. I've seen him come in the locker room several times and do it.

I could still shoot 40% from three-point range today despite not playing for 18 months

I haven't touched the ball in 18 months. So, maybe 40. I'm not even giving myself 50%. Maybe 40%. I mean, I ain't touched the ball in 18 months. You know, I mean, it's going to take me a while to get back in routine.

Alabama can beat the United States criminal justice system

This one [is] could Alabama beat the United States criminal justice system. And the answer is yes... the Louisiana district attorney from Ouachita Parish has declined to press charges on [Cam Robinson and Hootie Jones] for drugs and guns.

Playing football in the South makes you immune to the justice system

This just shows the cultural difference between the North and the South, the anti-pussification of America by Alabama, where if you play football, you basically are immune to the justice system. That's never actually backfired.

The Olympics should only be hosted in the United States for safety reasons

Why are we doing the Olympics in a country where this type of gun violence is rampant? Keep them in the U.S. where everything's safe, nice. People follow the law. You don't have this type of gun problems. Hey, Rio, stay classy.

Skip Bayless will get 'West Coast soft' and lose his edge at Fox Sports

I don't think that what they're going to do with him on Fox Sports is going to be nearly as good because he's going to get West Coast soft. He's not going to have somebody as fiery to debate. It's like separating two dogs from each other that have grown up together their whole life.

Jim Harbaugh only has sex when he is trying to procreate

I also wouldn't be surprised if Jim Harbaugh's sex life is just when he's trying to procreate. Jim Harbaugh, like, he doesn't get put in the mood. He's just, like, walking around the house and spontaneously has an erection. And then he just grabs his wife and he's like, it's back again. We're having a baby again.

Pre-game Prediction: The Cavaliers will win Game 7 and LeBron James will have a 40-15-10 stat line

Cavs are going to win. LeBron is going to have 40, 15, and 10. Steph Curry, injury talk. Draymond [Green] is going to have a meltdown, probably kick someone in the balls. Cleveland is going to burn to the ground in happiness, and I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life defending Michael Jordan's legacy against LeBron James.

Pre-game Prediction: The Warriors will win Game 7 by 20 points and LeBron James will get injured

The Cavs are going to lose [by 20]. LeBron's going to get injured in the first half, and people are just going to always talk about how if he had played healthy, they would have won.

Game 7 Prediction: The Cavaliers will beat the Warriors 93-89, Kevin Love will dominate the boards, and Stephen Curry will choke

My prediction is I feel like the Cavs are going to take this one somewhere in the neighborhood of 93 to 89. I don't expect [Kevin] Love to have a big night scoring, but I do think he's going to make a statement on the boards... [Matthew] Dellavedova is going to have zero personal fouls, zero turnovers... Curry is going to choke big time again. I'd be shocked if he got above 17 points total... I've got a final score of somewhere in the neighborhood of 93 to 89 Cleveland.

The Under Armour curse is real and we are currently living in its golden age

Anytime a good team loses, you got to ask what the curse is. I think it's definitely the Under Armour curse. It lives on. [Jordan] Spieth struck out big time at the U.S. Open... Cam Newton, Steph Curry... I think we're living in the golden age of the Under Armour curse. So I don't like to brag, but between that and me leaving my wallet at the queue, I feel like this whole postseason has really vindicated my whole worldview.

Kyrie Irving should have won Finals MVP over LeBron James

Kyrie Irving should have won MVP. He was the best player on the court. He basically won it for LeBron, not to get nitpicky here.

LeBron James should leave Cleveland now because his mission in town is accomplished

My question is, is this the worst thing that could ever happen in Cleveland? Like, is LeBron James gone now? Like, is his mission in town over? Why would you want to stay in Cleveland if you're LeBron? Like, what if he goes back to Miami?

Whoever signs Harrison Barnes to a max deal this offseason—like the Suns—is making a huge mistake

I want to give an advanced thoughts and prayers to whoever signs Harrison Barnes to a max deal this offseason... if we're power ranking, like, which team would be the team to load up on a whole shitload of Harrison Barnes, I'm going to guess the Suns. So thoughts and prayers to the Suns for making a terrible decision.

Ayesha Curry needs to rebrand her image by becoming a 'thot' following the Warriors' loss

You can be like America's chef and be baking the brownies and the scones and stuff when you're winning championships. Now you got knocked off the top of the mountain... You got to climb back up top. That means booty's out for the boys... [Ayesha Curry] needs to become a thot. She needs to switch it up.

I officially hate Steph Curry for being a sore loser

By the end of this finals, I truly do hate him. I can't stand him anymore. He complains about every call. He got a little too cute out there sometimes with the behind-the-back pass. The whole meltdown when he threw the mouth guard... You can't be America's sweetheart when it's all going well and then have these public meltdowns when things turn on you. It's a sore loser thing. So I think I officially hate Steph Curry.

The NBA isn't rigged, but the league got the 7-game series they wanted

Is the NBA rigged? No. But? Did I insinuate a but? That was not my intention. No, I think in this series, they got what they wanted. Absolutely. You know, they got, they got the seven games, but I don't, I'm not buying into that conspiracy theory.

The NBA is becoming 'racist' against tall players as the league trends smaller

Do you think that the NBA is becoming more racist against tall people like yourself? Yeah, I actually tweeted something about that the other night. Free the bigs. It's time that we need to band together as big guys for the sake of our species going forward.

The 2018 NBA Finals will be the Charlotte Hornets vs. the Seattle SuperSonics

2018 NBA Final predictions, give us a winner as well. Hornets in five... Hornets versus Sonics. Sonics are back. Hornets in five. Book it.

Sports like the NBA and NFL should wait until the end of the game to announce penalties and scores

The USGA said that they weren't going to announce whether or not [Dustin Johnson] was going to be penalized until after his round was over, which is just a great rule... The bottom line is anyone out there who's complaining about this rule is a bad Christian because you don't get to know if you're going to heaven until after you're dead. So why should you get to know what your score is before you're done with a round of golf?

LeBron James isn't actually clutch; he's just a 'carrier' of a mutated clutch gene that he passes to teammates

LeBron James still doesn't really have it [the clutch gene], but he is a carrier of it. He's mutated it, and Kyrie [Irving] caught it from him... much to LeBron's chagrin, Kyrie became more clutch than he was after catching the disease from him. He's the carrier of the mutated genes. He's the Zika fly.

Allen Iverson would never have gotten off the bench in my dad's era because he carried the ball too much

My dad swore that Allen Iverson would never have gotten off the bench in his day because he carries the ball too much. My dad doesn't like watching basketball anymore because in his day, you couldn't put your hand on the side of the ball... It was just a league full of guys bouncing the ball straight up and down.