Takes

John Rahm's viral skipping shot at the Masters might be doctored

John Rahm hit a shot that walked on water at Augusta... I think that the Masters needs some more Buzz around it because it's not being held at the traditional time. I think that maybe there might be some monkey business afoot here somebody who's better at the internet than me look at the footage and tell me if you think that it's doctored at all.

The Game of Thrones series finale will end with everyone turning into happy zombies

Everything else is fine. All right. That's the M. Night Shyamalan twist... Everybody just turns into a zombie and they're happy forever. They can't go in water, so you at least have that.

Jack Del Rio stinks

They're starting to wonder if it's more than just the water that smells in Oakland because Jack Del Rio stinks.

Bet on clear Gatorade for the Super Bowl shower

I go clear. People are showing mercy on their coaches lately, and they're pouring water instead of the sticky stuff. If you can find clear, go for it.

The Atlantic Ocean is superior to the Pacific Ocean because it's more versatile

My first is going to be the Atlantic Ocean. It's a very versatile ocean. You can go down to Florida. It's always nice. It's clear. It's blue. It's nice and warm like bathtub water. Or you can go all the way up north to, let's just say, the Cape Cod region.

The popcorn debate will be featured on Mike and Mike within two weeks

I'm going to call my shot. The popcorn debate is going to be featured on Mike and Mike within the next two weeks. Anytime you can introduce a bracket, it's going to do wonders for water cooler talk.

The Bengals will always have a redheaded quarterback because it's their brand

I thought that we were going to lose our beautiful redheaded Bengals quarterbacks... and then I saw who his backup [Ryan Finley] was and he's got red hair too. Yeah, it doesn't pop the same way now as Andy's but... it's a watered-down Andy Dalton.

The Jets have officially hit rock bottom and can't possibly sink any lower

My theory is that they will not get any lower than they are right now. Like everyone's shitting on the jets. Everyone is shitting on the jets. Aaron Rodgers is drinking water with cayenne pepper in it. Pretty, I think it's, it's pretty low.

NFL tight ends are significantly underpaid relative to their production compared to wide receivers

Travis Kelce is either first or second behind Devonte Adams of most receiving yards in the last six years. And he pays half of what the best wide receivers are paid. And so that kind of seems like it's just water in the bridge... he plays tight end and you don't really get a lot of attention and stuff.

Peeing into a lake or ocean is satisfying because it's Nature's toilet

It's really satisfying though to pee into a lake or into an ocean, you know, Nature's toilet. Because the water is going to catch you. It's the coolness and the freedom, and just the wind whistling around your MBA balls.

Peeing in the sink is the most environmentally friendly bathroom habit

Peeing in the sink is actually the greenest way to go, so you're welcome. Instead of wasting 1.6 gallons of water on a flush, you pee in the sink. You then wash your hands in the very same sink, simultaneously washing down the urine and preserving nature's most precious resource.

Locking a tennis player in a ball closet for hours is great coaching

[David Ferrer's coach] locked him in a completely dark two meter by two meter ball closet for several hours, giving him only a piece of bread and a bit of water... That's great coaching. That's a football guy in a tennis guy's body.

There are wooly mammoth bones and ivory worth millions in the East River

There's a bunch of treasure in the East River... wooly mammoth bones, tusks, ivory. It's treasure. Millions. Billions. The treasure is on East 65th Street next to the FDR Drive in the water... we're gonna try to go get it.

Pringles and frozen yogurt bars are elite munchies

I'm going to go Pringles... I'm going to go with... frozen yogurt. That whole like when you go to the frozen yogurt bar and you get everything. It's just the stuff you put on top of it. My picks are candy, Pringles, and water.

Bristol, Connecticut is the worst city in the United States

Bristol, Connecticut. I'm not saying that because of ESPN. I'm saying that because I've actually been to Bristol. If you look at TripAdvisor's top ten things to do in Bristol... one is a water park... and then three out of the other top four are like a museum of clocks. A clock museum... And then another one is the Museum of Fire.

My 'Crisis Fuel' supplement will provide enough energy and mass to survive 40 days in a wildfire or pandemic

I developed a proprietary blend... it's like 2,000 calories a punch. It's protein, carbs, good additive, cornstarch to it... if there's a wildfire approaching your house, screw the food, grab your 10-gallon bucket of Crisis Fuel which is all powder and a bunch of water, throwing your car, you have enough meals for 40 days.

ESPN should hire Bill Belichick for one day specifically to fire all the employees they are cutting

I think they should bring in Bill Belichick, hire him one day contract, have him fire everyone, soften the blow. Because when Bill Belichick fires you, it means you could still be at the peak... He's doing it one year too early. And he's actually doing you a favor by letting you get on the market and test the waters.

Intermittent fasting is the easiest thing in the world

No, [intermittent fasting] is the easiest thing in the world... You just don't eat for longer in the morning and a little bit longer before bed... you have 12 hours that you should not eat throughout the day. During your nighttime sleep cycle, say you have your dinner and your dinner ends at 7 p.m., you should not have anything in your body except water.

Winning a bet that was a sure loser is an all-time thrill

Winning a bet that was a sure, sure, sure loser. Like dead in the water. You have an over and it comes back out of nowhere. Where you just wrote it off. That is an all-time thrill.

Oleksandr Usyk was the deserved winner over Tyson Fury

Tyson Fury lost, Usyk beat him in 12 rounds. It was an awesome fight... the right fighter won... Tyson Fury's in Deep Water because I knew he's the type of guy that if you're like Tyson Fury's done. Yeah. He'll come back and he'll just knock someone else out.

Oxygen is a universally loved thing

Something we all take for granted... Oxygen. Everyone loves oxygen and especially, hey, we've all been carrying stuff around altitude... If you didn't have oxygen, you would die. Do you love breathing? You want to breathe. If I took you out to the water and drowned you... you gotta succeed as much as you want to breathe.

Carson Wentz is statistically the best quarterback in Washington franchise history

Carson Wentz in the last 20 years, Carson Wentz is actually the best quarterback the Washington football team franchise will have. So if you do minimum three games, Carson Wentz has 1.63 TDs per game. The second one on that list is Shane Matthews... [Wentz] is blowing the competition out of the water.

The umbilical cord acts like a snorkel so pregnant women can swim without the baby drowning

Umbilical cord is like a snorkel. So if you keep your belly button above the water is fine. That's actually fact for real. Yeah, that's how babies breathe.

Sidney Crosby is the biggest thug in hockey

Is Sidney Crosby the biggest thug in hockey? He did two things tonight... He dribbled P.K. Subban's face off the ice like it was Deron Williams just dribbling out of bounds... And he threw a water bottle onto the ice during play. Wow. Dangerous.

The Bears are a team of destiny and I'm not using the word Super Bowl lightly.

It's very weird almost like team of Destiny Vibes. Like I don't use the word Super Bowl lightly... This is team of Destiny stuff for sure and Nick Foles... he's got ice water in his veins.

The Las Vegas Sphere is a mind-blowing experience that exceeds all high expectations

Anyone who is thinking about going to the Sphere, do it. It was mind-blowing. The expectations were high and they blew them out of the water. I did have that thought of like, will I ever be able to go back to real life because it was that cool.

Feidelberg and I were the first two people in America to accept the Ice Bucket Challenge

Feidelberg and I were the first two people in America to accept the Ice Bucket Water Challenge. ... If you just challenge and no one accepts it, then it never works. ... You're listening to the guy who started the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Tom Brady has trained his brain to be anti-concussion

He's got an anti-concussion brain because of the thoughts he has. Yes, he's trained his brain not to get hurt... Imagine if he drank some of Russell Wilson's concussion water. He'd be unstoppable.