Big Cat

Dick Vitale should start a second career as a porn critic

Maybe if he [Dick Vitale] just became a full-on porn guy, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever. If he woke up in the morning and was like, 'here are my top five favorite porn picks for the day.' Wouldn't you just be like, that kind of fits for Dick Vitale?

Bullying the horse Nyquist off Twitter is a more impressive achievement than winning the Kentucky Derby

Nyquist the horse is a flash in the pan... No one's going to remember Nyquist the horse. Except for the fact that it got bullied off Twitter. That's actually more impressive than the Kentucky Derby. How many Kentucky Derby winners have there been? Like 120? How many horses have been bullied off Twitter?

The horse Nyquist has AIDS

The horse has AIDS. Right. The first thing I did was... Fuck the horse. Both on Twitter and in real life.

Add 'ha-ha' or 'LOL' to the end of any uncomfortable message to instantly spin the situation

I've always told you... if you just throw a ha-ha or an LOL at the end of every DM or text, you can always be like... 'Oh, I'm in.' It's just, yeah, we're just joking. Just add a ha-ha on everything whenever you get in a bad situation. See if you can just laugh your way out of it.

I hope Nyquist the horse dies because his Twitter account is run by a nerd

I now am fascinated with Nyquist the horse... I hope Nyquist dies. I'll say it. Biggest piece of shit horse. And you know what, Nyquist? That's your horse owner's fault for running a shitty Twitter account. I wouldn't have wished death on you if you just had a semi-normal person running her Twitter account.

Nick Saban will shiv and gut Jim Harbaugh to win football games

I have a feeling Jim Harbaugh thinks that this is like a fight that can just be played out on the field. And then next thing you know, Nick Saban's going to shiv him in to the side and gut him to death. But literally. Nick Saban will stab a man if it means winning more football games.

The Knicks will never win as long as James Dolan is the owner

As long as James Dolan is the owner of the Knicks, the Knicks aren't winning shit. And you know that. I know that. Spike Lee knows that. Marv Albert and his whips and his gag balls know that. Y'all know it, okay?

Cavaliers in 7 over the Warriors

I unfortunately have the Cavs in 7. I think the Cavs are going to win.

Russell Westbrook will win scoring titles but only lead the Thunder to the 8th seed without Kevin Durant

I want Westbrook to shine. I want Westbrook to shoot like 60 shots a game... I think it's time for Westbrook to just be the superstar he is and score average like 40 points a game and barely get the Thunder into the playoffs like the eighth seed.

If a team does a hidden ball trick in Little League, you should head hunt the next batter

Hidden ball tricks is fucking bullshit. Especially in Little League... I think you need to put the ball in an ear hole if the other team tries to do the hidden ball trick in a Little League game.

The series loss to the Warriors will haunt Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook for the rest of their lives

It was an unbelievable series. That's a series that will haunt Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook for the rest of their lives. They were up in game six at home, ready to bury the Warriors. And they choked down the stretch.

Dan Marino would have killed a small child to win a Super Bowl

But if Dan Marino—if you had said to him during his career, 'Hey, Dan, you can win a Super Bowl, but you got to kill a small child, no one will find out.' You think he does it?

Draymond Green is now a dirty player on the same level as Dwyane Wade

Draymond Green, he is very, very hateable now. He's now like a Dwyane Wade dirty guy where he just has all these accidents and the accidents always end up hurting someone else.

A team's enforcer should be an unskilled player off the bench, not a star like Draymond Green

I like my tough guys and my clowns and my bozos to be totally unskilled, and you just throw them in to rough people up. [Draymond Green] is too skilled for that. You need that guy, but it needs to be a guy off the bench who comes in and does that shit. Not a guy who's arguably your third most important player.

Buffalo is the number one city in the Grit Power Rankings

I'm ranking Buffalo number one as well. Simply because of the people, they are the best. There's no one better. They were welcoming. They came to up to the bus. They were awesome.

Indianapolis is an underrated city and a great place to see a Final Four

I've always said Indianapolis is an underrated city. Great place to go see a Final Four. And special spot in our heart for the milk puke challenge we did in the middle of Indianapolis.

The city of Cincinnati is collectively trying to prank the world with Skyline Chili

I'm convinced, absolutely convinced that everyone in the city of Cincinnati just said, we're going to fuck with the world. So anytime they come to Cincinnati, we're going to make them eat this disgusting chili and tell them that it's all we eat.

Women's lacrosse is not a real sport because Northwestern is good at it

Also, Northwestern won a national title, and if Northwestern can win a national title in the sport we're talking about, that's not a real sport. So women's lacrosse, sorry, not a real sport.

Have we ever thought about making a gorilla a fullback?

I was looking at the picture of that gorilla — I don't want to get too sidetracked here, but have we ever thought about making a gorilla as a fullback?

The child who fell into Harambe's enclosure was a plant

This child is a plant, man. This child wanted Harambe dead. The child slid under a fence, through wires, and climbed over a moat wall.

Nyquist the horse is the weakest, most sensitive horse for blocking haters on Twitter

I got officially blocked by Nyquist, the horse. I think I called him a pussy for not racing in the Belmont. This horse is the worst. He's clearly a bully horse. Either you're against horse trolling or you're not Nyquist. Weakest horse I know.

Skyline Chili is a running joke used by Cincinnati residents to prank tourists

Skyline Chili, I'm convinced all of Cincinnati has Stockholm Syndrome. I don't know what is going on there. They have convinced themselves that's real food that people should eat. I think it's a running joke. Everyone in Cincinnati was like, hey, let's try to convince the rest of the world that every time they come visit us, they have to eat this diarrhea.

The Thunder will smoke the Warriors in Game 6

I think the Thunder are going to smoke the Warriors in game six.

The San Jose Sharks will defeat the Pittsburgh Penguins in the Stanley Cup Finals

The Stanley Cup finals. Sharks eat penguins. Not to brag, but I called it. Yes, you did. Because it was the only matchup that could occur in nature.

Joe Thornton is wrong for playing with his kids instead of watching his potential Stanley Cup opponents

Joe Thornton, when the Sharks won the Western Conference Finals... said that he was going to play with his kids during the Game 7 Penguins-Lightnings. Not watch who he was going to play in the Stanley Cup Finals. Mike Milbury was not happy... how you win a Stanley Cup is being always focused and making sure you tune in to your opponent even when you're not playing them.

Bengals vs. Steelers is currently the biggest rivalry in the NFL

Cincinnati Bengals, Pittsburgh Steelers. Maybe the biggest rivalry going right now in the NFL.

Chris Berman's retirement report is a bargaining chip for his next contract

Does Chris Berman not strike you as the type of guy that's going to take a victory lap? He is a victory lap guy through and through. So this wishy-washy back and forth, this was all on purpose... Or what this could be is a bargaining chip. He might be trying to play him for a raise. His contract's up next year. So he's dangling the threat of retirement.

The Spelling Bee stinks now because it tries too hard to be 'millennial-friendly'

I'm a spelling bee purist... I kind of like some of the new stuff that they're doing to try to draw on the millennial. No, they're trying to be too cute. It's too cute. They're having the kids dab. I like the cutthroat. I like the competitiveness. I like the pressure where you know these 12-year-olds, if they get this word wrong, their whole entire life is going to be crushed.

The St. Louis Cardinals 'statement loss' is a ridiculous spin by a losing team

My favorite team in Major League Baseball, St. Louis Cardinals, they had a statement loss against my actual favorite team, the Cubs, on Wednesday. They showed determination and grit, that's a quote, when they lost to the Cubs. Colton Wong said, 'I think we still made a statement in the loss.' In the loss? Don't let the Cardinals get too hot with all these statement losses they're throwing out there.

The Cavaliers will beat the Raptors and face the Thunder in the NBA Finals

So we got the Cavs are going to win. They're going to most likely face the Thunder. [PFT: Oh, you want to get in this?] No, let's do Tressel, then we're going to get to it. I'm just saying that was a bold statement you just made.

The Warriors are done and will not win the Western Conference Finals

I have the Warriors as done. They are done this season. The Thunder are going to win this series. They are not finished, and the window is half closed.

No one actually likes advanced analytics except for nerds

I just want to know who likes analytics. I'm not talking black, white, Asian, whatever. No one likes analytics. Nerds like analytics. Have you ever had someone walk up to you and be like, hey, man, have you looked at the recent war that each player has? No.

The Rio Olympics will be defined by corruption and extortion

Not only is the water full of poop in Rio, but the people that they hired to clean it up stole the money. So pretty classic Olympics we got going on here, folks. We got the environmental stuff. We got the extortion. We got corruption.

A 73-win season means nothing without a championship

Don't mean a thing without that ring. That's all I'm going to say... That is the 72-10 1996 Bulls. That was their little mantra. And the Warriors... The 73-win Warriors look like they're in a lot of trouble.

Russell Westbrook is currently the best player in the world

[Russell Westbrook] had 33, 36, 11, and 11. Unreal. He basically said, I'm the best player in the world and I'm going to take over this game. I'm going to take over the series.

Steph Curry's poor performance is caused by a teammate sleeping with his mother

That guy [old college teammate] is probably sleeping with Steph [Curry]'s mom, and it's keeping him up. That's it... Everyone knows that if your NBA team loses, someone's having sex with someone's wife or mom.

I expect the NBA Finals to be Thunder vs. Cavaliers

I think it's going to be Thunder, Cavs in the finals. But if there's two teams that can disrupt that, it's the Raptors and the Warriors.

I despise Cleveland Cavaliers fans

I love Browns fans. I fucking despise Cavs fans. They're the worst. I know they're the exact same people, but they're not.

Matt Harvey needs to start partying and doing cocaine to find his form

I also think he needs to party again. He used to be a party boy... I would say either get the Mets to basically make it a rule that no one can say anything bad about you or start doing a bunch of cocaine.

Steve Weatherford is the 'Rosa Parks' of heavy breathing at Planet Fitness

He's now taking a stand about people shaming heavy breathers... This is the Martin Luther King of breathing heavy in Planet Fitness is Steve Weatherford. Really standing up for some civil rights here. [PFT]: I'd say it's more Rosa Parks.

J.J. Watt's new logo looks like a cheap energy drink and a bad tattoo

J.J. Watt. Come on, man. He basically made a logo that looks like a cheap, crappy energy drink slash awful tattoo... symbolizing buildings getting taller because his work ethic... literally no one forgets [he was a walk-on] because JJ tells us every single fucking day.

Duff's is far better than Anchor Bar for wings in Buffalo

We unanimously decided that Duff's was far better than Anchor Bar. Anchor Bar had an unfortunate incident... but we unanimously decided that Duff's was far better.

The Thunder are the best team in the league when Durant and Westbrook click on the same night

When they [Durant and Westbrook] do that, you can't beat them... They, at some point, will click on the exact same night, and they're the best team in the league.

LeBron James will eventually injure himself while flopping

He's going to flop at some point and do that extra thing that he does and, like, turn his ankle during the flop. And at that point, is it a flop anymore? It's going to be amazing.

LeBron James will dominate Game 4 against the Raptors and rip their hearts out

LeBron is going to come out in game four and he is going to rip the heart out of the Toronto Raptors... what he's going to do is he's going to step on their throats, and Drake is going to be crying at the bench... this is a LeBron James game, game four.

Anyone who supports robot umpires in baseball can go fuck themselves

Anyone who is like pro robots can go fuck themselves... The minute you start letting robots do these kind of tasks is what they're going to take over our lives... I don't need fucking umps telling me balls and strikes. There's some things you need to leave to humans.

Johnny Manziel should get fat to regain public sympathy

Fat Johnny Manziel is actually a good way to get some sympathy back... You can't... It's just different when you're fat. People won't call him a scumbag as much... You're lovable when you're fat.

Having four grown men taking Viagra together in an RV is a bad idea

We've decided that we're not going to all take Viagra because it's a really, really weird thing to have four dudes with, like, raging hard boners in an RV.

Clevelanders just yuck it up, be sad, do weird shit, and puke on themselves

We're going to watch with the Clevelanders. We're going to yuck it up, be sad, do weird shit, puke on ourselves, do what Clevelanders do.

Roger Goodell is guaranteed to be on the show because of Eric Winston

Eric Winston guaranteed that Roger Goodell is going to be on the show this week.