Big Cat

Every single person in the state of Indiana takes Carb Day off to drink all day

Friday is Carb Day, which... they described to me. They said every single person in the state of Indiana takes a day off and comes and drinks all day.

Buffalo, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and Cincinnati are the backbones of America and the only places worth visiting on vacation

These are the places, these are the backbones of America... people will say hey when you go on vacation where do you go? Oh I go to California, I go to Florida, I go to Arizona. When we go on vacation, we go to Buffalo. We go to Cleveland. We go to Pittsburgh. We go to Cincinnati.

The Raptors are a disgrace to basketball and to Canada

The Raptors are just a disgrace, disgrace to basketball, disgrace to Canada... I don't want to be in the Eastern Conference Finals if you get swept like this.

The Cavaliers will sweep the Raptors

It's going to be a sweep. I don't think the Raptors can steal one in Toronto even.

Canadians actually hate Sidney Crosby

Canadians hate Sidney Crosby. That's actually a fact... Everyone hates Sidney Crosby. It was just decided upon, and that's how it is. He doesn't have a man card.

A baseball field is like international waters with no rules

As far as I can tell... a baseball field is like international waters where there are no rules.

People forget that Steven Adams is only 22 years old

People forget that Steven Adams is 22 years old. It's unbelievable because he looks like he's 37. It's crazy.

Never draw attention to yourself at work or people will find your secrets

In life, never draw attention to yourself because then people start digging. So like if you're at work, you never want to be the guy who does a great job... Just try to be average at all times, because the minute you do something exceptional, people start witch hunting you.

Once you reach a certain level of wealth, you can ignore the world and its pressure

I don't like Dan Snyder, but I respect that once you get to a certain level of wealth, you can just say fuck you to the whole world no matter what happens. The pressure of the world doesn't count. It was like Jerry Jones who basically said Greg Hardy should run for president... Once you get to a certain level, it just doesn't matter.

The Cavs vs. Raptors series is over and I'm not watching another second of it

This series is going to be brutal to watch. Maybe the Raptors play close for four quarters in Toronto for one game, but I don't even give them that... the Cavs are locked in. They're on a different level right now. So this series is over as far as I'm concerned.

The NBA Draft Lottery was rigged for Philadelphia

I actually am going to side with Philly on this one and say that it was rigged for Philly.

I am hashtag done with the Cavs vs. Raptors series after Game 1

This series, I'm done with... I'm hashtag done with this series. I don't think I'm going to watch any more of this series. Fuck this series.

Tiger Woods should ditch Nike for Champion or Costco to lower expectations

I think it's time for Tiger Woods to ditch Nike because you see Tiger Woods in the Nike and you think of early 2000s... height of his powers. And you're like, why is this guy not the same? I think he needs to be sponsored by like Champion... or like Costco.

Mark Sanchez's 'Sanchise' nickname was a bad one that didn't age well

Steve Francis and Mark Sanchez, Stevie Franchise, Mark Sanchez... Both guys turns out do not make your franchise. Those are unfortunate nicknames when you actually look at how they play. The Sanchise nickname felt like a nickname that Rex Ryan came up with to convince himself.

The Undefeated website is racist against white people

I kind of see what they're saying that the Undefeated is racist... Listen, we've sat here long enough as white males being persecuted. When are we going to get our say in sports media?

Jose Bautista didn't expect to be punched because real punches never happen in baseball fights

[Bautista] basically was like, I can guarantee that this won't happen because it's never, ever happened. I mean, the last time a true punch was thrown, Michael Barrett and AJ Pierzynski, I mean, it's been a long time. So he banked on that.

Cleveland fans shouldn't complain about losing because they are all Ohio State fans who win every year

Everyone in Cleveland crying in their soup about all their losses. They're all Ohio State fans. And they win every fucking year. Shut up.

I despise Cavaliers fans but have a kindred love for Browns fans, despite them being the same people

I fucking hate Cavs fans. I like Browns fans. I know they're the same people, and I know that makes me a dumb person... but I truly do despise Cavs fans and have almost like a kindred love for Browns fans.

The Phoenix Mercury will be very tough to beat and the Sky won't beat them if they meet in the finals

I do think that the [Phoenix] Mercury are going to be very, very tough to beat. If the [Chicago] Sky go up against them again in the finals, I'm not liking the Sky's chances.

Elena Delle Donne will take the proverbial next step and be even better for the Sky this year

I think we're going to see the next step from EDD [Elena Delle Donne] this year. So I'm very excited about that. I'm excited for the [Chicago] Sky to take the proverbial next step.

Steph Curry needs a tragedy in his family to become likable again because Americans don't like perfect people

I don't want someone in Seth Curry's family to die, but if someone did die in his family, he would immediately lift the air of like hateability... I'll admit when my take got a little too hot, got away from me... but if someone did die, he would immediately lift the air of like hateability.

Olympic cancellation rumors are just a PR stunt to remind people the Olympics are happening

I swear to God, they pretend it's canceled the Olympics every Olympics just to remind us the Olympics are coming... how else do you pump everyone up for the Olympics in the beginning of May?... Their whole PR 101 is they just remind you it's happening by scaring the fuck out of everyone.

The 2017 NBA Finals will be the Cavs vs. the Lakers, with the Lakers winning in seven games

I got Cavs, Lakers, Lakers in seven. [Because] KD is going to the Lakers. And Dwight Howard's going back to the Lakers.

The 2022 World Cup Final will be Germany vs. Brazil

I'm going to say Germany versus Brazil [for the 2022 Men's World Cup].

The Sharks will beat the Blues in the Western Conference Finals

[The Sharks] need to beat the Blues, and I need to have that Sharks-Lightning finals so that we can just pretend the Stanley Cup didn't happen this year.

Retired players should fake-tweet they are returning to the league just to get back into the news cycle

I think more players should start doing this where they just fake tweet that they're coming out of retirement. Just get people talking about him because I didn't even know Jason Campbell was retired... Jeff George should just tweet something racist tomorrow just to get the rush of being like a celebrity again.

Jeff George should tweet something racist just to feel like a celebrity again

Jeff George should just tweet something racist tomorrow just to get the rush of being like a celebrity again... That has to be a desire you have to fight every day.

Never stay for a third night at a Vegas bachelor party

You want to go for two days like two nights and then fly out of town on the third day. If you stay for the third day, the chance of you dying or getting arrested goes up like 150%.

Don't try to coordinate group activities for a Vegas bachelor party if you have more than six guys

If it's anything more than six guys, don't worry about doing anything together because it just won't happen. Every time I've gone to a Vegas bachelor party, it's been like 15 guys. And there are actually people I don't even know were on the bachelor party because I just never saw them.

Check yourself into the hospital to avoid being in trouble with your mom for missing an event

Check yourself into the hospital. Say you got some kind of injury or something. Cause your mom instantly goes from being furious at you for missing her birthday to so worried about you.

Alexander Ovechkin deserves the heat for the Capitals failing in the playoffs

I'm going to blame Ovi... Call me a dumb fan. That's fine. Call me a dumb fan... But if you want to be a top player in any league, you're going to get this heat. It just happens. It happens to every guy. It happened to Peyton Manning. It's happened to A-Rod.

The Cavaliers could beat the Warriors in the Finals

The entire season has been about the Warriors and then a little bit about the Spurs. The Cavs, they can do like the whole nobody believes in us shit, which is unreal with a guy like LeBron on your team. And I don't know, man. I wouldn't be shocked if they beat the Warriors. I really wouldn't.

Kevin Love is the best player of all time because he is 12-0 in the playoffs

People forget that Kevin Love is undefeated in the NBA playoffs... He's undefeated. 12-0. The Cavs literally never lost with Kevin Love. Kevin Love has literally never lost in the playoffs. He's maybe the best player of all time.

I side with Darren Rovell over Dana White

Ravel and Dana White are in a fight, which is the nerd and the jock. I obviously side with Ravel here. It seems as though he's in the right.

I'm sick of eSports being pushed on regular people

i'm not into esports but i am into drone racing... Esports are for all the people who think the NFL is going away... Let's have a bunch of nerds play video games and we'll watch and we'll take over for all of our, you know, sports that we've loved for 100 years. Get the fuck out of here, man. I'm sick of the esports thing. I really am.

I could knock out Floyd Mayweather in a punch-for-punch fight

Punch for punch. I get three months to train my neck... Punch for punch. I could knock out Floyd Mayweather. People forget Floyd Mayweather is like 140 pounds, and I'm like 230, baby... As long as I can train my neck, that's the only stipulation I get.

Michael Jordan doesn't actually get paid for the Crying Jordan meme

Black Twitter bullied ja rule off of twitter and and this was because ja rule said that michael jordan gets paid a dollar for every time the crime jordan face is tweeted yes yeah which if we are ranking ja rules tweets it actually wasn't the top tweet he's ever had... This guy thinks he just cracked the lotto and Michael Jordan makes a dollar off every picture on the internet.

Dusty Baker's toothpick look is a 'I'm better than you' power move

Dusty's got the biggest gut in the game... the one thing I respect about Dusty and I've always respected, he's a toothpick guy. And I'm publicly in the market to be a toothpick guy because it's a very hard look to pull off, to just always have a toothpick in. He'll have an interview and he'll have a toothpick in, which is kind of like 'I'm better than you. You don't even deserve for me to take this toothpick out of my mouth' move.

Mother's Day on social media is just a contest to see who can love their mom the hardest

The Mother's Day in the social media era is basically who can love their mom the hardest and tweet about loving their mom... It's become a big contest.

Blake Bortles should embrace male pattern baldness to avoid being hated

You need to let it go. Go full male pattern baldness. If you have a quarterback who has beautiful hair and is ascending and a great quarterback, people are going to come and start hating you. If you have a hilarious male pattern baldness, if you look like Larry David and you're an NFL quarterback... who's going to make fun of you?

Newspaper guys only use Twitter to complain at airlines

Newspaper guys also love to complain about airlines. That's actually, like, the only reason newspaper guys have Twitter accounts, so that they can tweet at the airlines. And also, all their Twitter accounts, it's their stock photo from the newspaper picture day in 1992.

Bartolo Colon is allowed to do steroids because he never goes to the gym

Bartolo Colon, though, he absolutely falls under our pardon my take, use it, don't abuse it steroid law because there's no way he goes to a gym. So if he wants to do steroids, he can do steroids as far as I'm concerned.

Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes beat the Monstars at the end of Space Jam

The spoiler is that Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes beat the Monstars in the end.

Always be wary of an 'offensive genius' coach

The offensive mind, always be wary of the offensive mind. That's actually a good motto in life. Mark Trestman's another one. Always be wary of the offensive genius. I'd rather a defensive guy than an offensive guy any day of the week.

The only weakness for the 2016 Cubs is that they are still the Cubs; it will be all-time heartbreak

The thing that scares me is the only weakness I can find on this Cubs team is that we're still the Cubs. ... It will be all-time heartbreak.

Dave Portnoy will live to be 120 years old out of pure spite

Dave, everything will say Dave should die, and then he'll probably live to be like 120 because he's a motherfucker. ... He'll complain every single day for the rest of his life to 120, but he'll live to 120.

Feidelberg and I were the first two people in America to accept the Ice Bucket Challenge

Feidelberg and I were the first two people in America to accept the Ice Bucket Water Challenge. ... If you just challenge and no one accepts it, then it never works. ... You're listening to the guy who started the Ice Bucket Challenge.

The English Premier League's relegation is the greatest rule in all of sports

The English Premier League has the greatest rule in all of sports with relegation. Every other league should have relegation. The fact that they have relegation trumps all.

LeBron James and the Cavaliers will win the Eastern Conference

LeBron, unfortunately, I've been through this many times. He does this every single year... then the spring comes around, and LeBron's like, 'oh, yeah, I'm LeBron,' and he just dominates everyone. But LeBron's going to win the East.

Chris Bosh is a first-ballot Hall of Famer because the Basketball Hall of Fame lets everyone in

The Basketball Hall of Fame lets in basically anyone who played basketball for more than 10 years. So Bosh is a first ballot then. There's really no rhyme or reason... 50% of the basketball world is a Hall of Famer.