Takes

Lane Kiffin is a 'child' and a 'loser' who air-mailed the national semifinal

Lane Kiffin is a child. And Nick Saban tried to nurture him and be a father figure. And in the end, he punched Saban in the mouth on the way out... I think it was the fact that Lane Kiffin, and this is hard to imagine, this statement I'm about to make, literally air-mailed in the national semifinal in college football. It's like he didn't bother... I just think he's a loser.

Michigan fans are the most arrogant and elitist fan base in college football

It's Michigan. But Michigan, first of all, it's a good school. But it's not Harvard. They think they are not. Michigan fans, Michigan graduates are just the most arrogant, elitist... The fans talk like it's Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, and Caltech wrapped into one. It's not. It's a good school that's won a half a national championship in 60 years.

Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football

I think Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football. I really do. I think Charlie Weis was better than Brian Kelly. He was more hilarious. I don't totally disagree. No, you're right about that. I mean, he was expensive from a food standpoint. But I think Notre Dame can afford a couple of extra buffets, but Brian Kelly, I mean, he really... anyone's cooler than Brian Kelly.

Nick Saban is using Hitler-style propaganda to motivate Alabama

This is actually a real technique that Hitler used. To just make up fake news and pretend that you're oppressed. It's called propaganda. Saban's Goebbels. So you're in charge of thinking of all these bad things to say about Alabama.

Star players only sit out bowl games when the bowl has poor leadership

If those two clowns of bowls [the Citrus Bowl and the Sun Bowl] had actual leadership running the show, I don't think that the star players would be sitting out.

I have no problem with players sitting out bowl games because the system is corrupt

I have no problem with any of these guys sitting out any of the bowls... I like players taking care of themselves when the system is corrupt.

The Heisman represents the player with the biggest campaign, not the best player

Let's not call it the best college football player because it doesn't represent the best college football player. It represents the guy with the biggest campaign who happens to touch the ball.

Lane Kiffin took the FAU job to prevent himself from 'cucking' other men

If he wants to go fuck any guy's wife, it's probably like a 100-year-old woman, so he's not going to do it. It's kind of like... self-limiting behavior. Lane Kiffin's not going to go to a place where he just wants to cuck every dude he sees. It's like if you're an alcoholic, go take a job in Utah.

The Heisman Trophy should just be awarded to the first five picks in the NFL Draft

My Mike Greenberg dumb rule, they should just make the Heisman the first five picks in the NFL draft. So instead of picking the best college player, give us the best, the guys who are going to be in the draft.

Heisman winners should be eligible for the NFL Draft regardless of age

Whoever wins the Heisman should be eligible for the draft no matter what. If they're a freshman, it's your golden ticket.

Complaints about there being too many college football bowl games are invalid

Shut the fuck up, people who complain about too many bowls. Oh, there's too much football. Free football is always good. If there's something, oh my God, I don't want to have another game I can bet on on a Tuesday afternoon when I don't want to talk to my family over the holiday season. Shut up.

An undefeated Group of Five team deserves a shot in the College Football Playoff

Now, if you go 13-0 and 13-0, I think you deserve a shot in the Final Four. I really do. Same thing with a Boise State or a Houston or a Group of Five team that does that.

You have to give a college coach four years to build a program

I really think you've got to give a guy four years. Because when you go into a job... there's commitments. And so you honor those kids. And they may not fit in offense, defense, scheme-wise to what you're going to do.

College players should be allowed to transfer without penalty if their coach leaves

A quick fix for the NCAA for me to make things fairer for the players is to let them transfer if their coach goes they should be able to go too let them go i agree with that

If the NCAA vacates Notre Dame's wins, they should also vacate Brian Kelly's scandals

Notre Dame managed to lose an NCAA record 21 games in a single day today. They had 21 wins vacated... If they vacated all these wins, then [Brian Kelly] never killed that kid... If you're going to take away the good stuff, you've got to take away the bad stuff.

Nick Saban would actually kill a reporter on camera if it didn't stop him from coaching the next week

Nick Saban actually would kill a reporter, I think, on camera. If he could still coach next week, if he could coach in the Iron Bowl, even though he killed a reporter at halftime, he would do it.

Coach O is a 'wild dandelion spore' with no relation to any coaching tree

I don't think that Coach O is a member of any tree. Coach O is a wild dandelion spore that just grows in the wild on his own. He has no relation to Pete Carroll.

Joe Paterno is 'looking up' proud of the Penn State Nittany Lions

Somewhere, somewhere, Joe Paterno is looking up so proud of his former team, the Penn State Nittany Lions.

UConn football doesn't move the needle

UConn football, I don't give a fuck about. I'll just be honest about that. UConn football doesn't move the needle here.

Wearing black jerseys is a guaranteed loss for Georgia football.

It's when we pull the black jerseys out. If we pull the black jerseys out, it's a guaranteed L, so we need to stay away from that.

Coach O would be an awesome cult leader

I don't know, but it sounds like Coach O would be an awesome cult leader.

Nick Saban doesn't have sex, he just 'soaks' and watches film

I don't think that Saban has sex. I think that Saban just soaks. You know what soaking is? Yeah, it's the Mormon thing. He just soaks it for a while. And then he's watching film, grading players at the same time.

Christian McCaffrey should have won the Heisman Trophy

Last year, Christian McCaffrey, the best football player on planet Earth, he should have won the Heisman, but he didn't get it because he's a Christian and maybe a white male, but mostly because he's Christian.

The SEC is 'bad' this year (2016)

RIP to the SEC, who's bad this year.

Nick Saban is a spiteful, vindictive, irrational baby of a man

So you're saying that Nick Saban is a spiteful, vindictive, irrational baby of a man? You think? No doy. I like that this guy actually thought like he was going to just tell Nick Saban he's quitting. And Nick would be like, you know what? Best of luck to you, man.

Everyone in the SEC cheats, but only the dumb ones get caught

And you know what everybody in the SEC says? Everybody cheats. It's just the dumb ones that get caught.

Playing football in the South makes you immune to the justice system

This just shows the cultural difference between the North and the South, the anti-pussification of America by Alabama, where if you play football, you basically are immune to the justice system. That's never actually backfired.

Jim Harbaugh is a civil rights leader fighting against NCAA persecution of football

I'm glad that Harbaugh finally has the guts to stand up for Division I major conference men's college football coaches. ... Harbaugh, thank you for standing up for the rights of the most persecuted people in America.

Nick Saban will shiv and gut Jim Harbaugh to win football games

I have a feeling Jim Harbaugh thinks that this is like a fight that can just be played out on the field. And then next thing you know, Nick Saban's going to shiv him in to the side and gut him to death. But literally. Nick Saban will stab a man if it means winning more football games.

Ohio State is the toughest atmosphere in the Big Ten

I would probably say, I mean, I got to say Ohio State, you know, I mean, the great atmosphere, loud, you know, I mean, and obviously you're going to play against a good football team when you're there.

Nebraska football is an unsuccessful program if they aren't playing for championships

I want to see them back. I want to see them, you know, if Nebraska isn't playing for national championships, it's an unsuccessful year.

LSU at night is the hardest stadium to play in the SEC

And the hardest [place to play] is probably like LSU. At night. Yeah, that's rough.

Liking bikini photos on Instagram proves Jim Harbaugh isn't a sociopath

The fact that he's going on Instagram and liking pictures of chicks in bikinis, that means maybe there's some hope for Harbaugh after all. ... Maybe he is human.