Takes

Roger Goodell is orchestrating NFL ties by having kickers miss short field goals on purpose

These teams are tying on purpose. Roger Goodell has the kickers in his back pocket... There's been five missed field goals in the entire season, 30 yards or less, and two of them happened in the same game [Seahawks-Cardinals]? ... He's going to fix the ties. We're going to get another tie. I'm telling you.

Gus Bradley will be fired by the time this podcast airs

I want to quickly talk about Gus Bradley. Because by the time this podcast airs, I'm guessing he's going to be fired. This is a situation where they might not let him back on the plane.

Arian Foster retired because he is an atheist and quit football on a Monday

My hot seat is atheism... Arian Foster quit last night. He's an atheist. Straight up quit. People don't talk about him being an atheist, but he quit football. Nice of an atheist to give up on a Monday instead of giving up on Sundays for the change.

Brock Osweiler should donate $25,000 to charity for every interception he throws

My other piece of advice would be... He's got a lot of money. Start a charity where every time he throws an interception, he donates like $25,000 to a charity. And then people can't get mad at him for interceptions. Or else you're basically killing children.

Russell Wilson becoming a father will ruin the Seahawks' season

I feel like the pressure of becoming a new father might turn the Seahawks season around for the worse. [Russell Wilson] was firing off... firing on all cylinders.

JJ Watt is actually dead and has been replaced by a clone to cover up his social media absence.

I think J.J. Watt's dead... I think when he comes back, that's not J.J. Watt. That's going to be a clone that they've replaced him with. J.J. Watt... could not stay off social media for this long.

Aaron Rodgers is a nerd

Well, we know he's a nerd. Princess Bride is his favorite movie. Name me a nerd that won the Super Bowl.

Bill Belichick will be fined or suspended for bashing the NFL's Microsoft Surface tablets

So could this be like another tablet? Could this be hashtag tablet gate to could Roger Goodell suspend Bill Belichick? I'm calling it right now. Belichick will be fined, possibly suspended.

The Falcons will finish the season with a record no better than 9-7

Matt Ryan, I think he's okay. I think he's a career okay guy. I think that he's going to find his level soon. Falcons are going to go no better than 9-7.

Jeff Fisher intentionally loses games once he gets above .500 because he is a try-hard for mediocrity

Jeff Fisher... He lost, but he's back at .500. So that's the classic Jeff Fisher. It just felt like such a try-hard move by him. And you know that the second he goes 3-1, he takes his foot off the pedal so hard. He's like, 'hey, guys, we need to get back to even here.'

Odell Beckham Jr. has officially matured because he proposed to a kicking net

Thoughts and prayers to Odell Beckham's immaturity because he's clearly grown up now. He's just a tremendous young man... because he learned his lesson. The lesson was stop making it about you and having all these antics. And so he did that by proposing to the net that he beat up a couple weeks ago.

Tony Romo will break his back again within two weeks of returning

Tony Romo comes back. It's his job. He's going to break his back within a week or two again. Back Prescott. Yeah. That's what I call him. And then back to Dak. Back to Dak.

This is finally the breakout year for Reggie Bush

I think this is the year for Reggie Bush. ... So on the year, his year average is negative four. So today he had three, so I think that was the rush he needed.

The NFL will finally cure breast cancer this year

I think this is the year that the NFL finally cures it [breast cancer]. ... Stay woke on breast cancer.

The Browns will cover the spread against the Patriots in Week 5

So I did not take the Cardinals. So you're a Larry Fitzgerald this week? I am a big-time Larry Fitzgerald. I'm swimming with the Fitzgerald. But you didn't take the Cardinals. I didn't take the Cardinals. So instead of that, I'm going to take the Browns against the Patriots. I'm going to have them covering.

The Patriots are idiots for betting on themselves against the Browns

I knew that everybody in America was going to be taking the Patriots, so that's why I went with the Browns. I wanted to take the Patriots, so I'll give you that. It's not because you're a Pats fan. It's because you're an idiot that you're betting on the Patriots.

The Redskins are trash

I got the Vikings. I have the Ravens. I think the Redskins are trash. Trash. Our words.

The Bears will cover +4.5 against the Colts because Indianapolis is jet-lagged after playing in London

I have the Bears. Plus four and a half... the Colts is not a bad choice... They're jet lagged. Yeah. Exactly. First team ever to go to London and not elect to have a bye week after.

The NFL is done and finished due to tanking ratings

I think the NFL might be done. So their ratings are just tanking... why am I even tuning in if I'm not seeing a person dressed up like a superhero?

The NFL should bring back O.J. Simpson to fix their ratings

Just let O.J. Simpson back in the league. If you let O.J. play at running back for one game and just get destroyed... In the past year, what have we learned? We don't give a shit as Americans what it is. If it's about O.J. Simpson and it's on TV, we will watch it. So bring O.J. back. Yes, let him run. Bring the juice back.

There was a second ball in the pile during the Browns-Redskins Duke Johnson fumble play

I would also like to say that I'm a truther. I think that there were two balls on the play. I think that there was a second ball that was in the pile that we don't see, and then Duke Johnson had the other one.

The NFL will likely face a strike or lockout during the next CBA negotiations

I think there's a good chance, because I think the players don't want to give anything to the league. They don't want to give something big to the NFL in exchange for stripping Goodell of the judge, jury, executioner powers. And the other thing is going to be guaranteed contracts. Aaron Rodgers said it adamantly to me, absolutely guaranteed contracts.

Roger Goodell should hold weekly open press conferences with his biggest critics

I think every Thursday or Friday at 11 o'clock, [Goodell] ought to have a standing appointment with one of his tormentors... Bill Simmons ought to come in... Rachel Nichols and all the other people who have been critical of him... have it be all comers. You can ask whatever you want.

Odell Beckham Jr. should quit football and play soccer because he's basically European

Thoughts and prayers to [Odell Beckham's] happiness... Maybe cheat, go cheat on football with soccer... You're basically European, dude. Hey, I know you like to not use one of your hands. I'll do you one better. Use none of them and go play soccer.

Trevor Siemian was 'Wally Pipped' by Paxton Lynch.

Also, did Trevor Siemian just get Wally Pipped? Ooh. I think he did. He got Wally Pipped by Bill Paxton Lynch. Put him in a twister.

Next year will finally be the year Ryan Tannehill makes the leap

I think next year is the year that Ryan Tannehill is really going to make that leap. Yep. They need to give him a couple more extensions, really show they have faith in him, and then eventually he'll blossom.

Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life

Is there a conspiracy that Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life so they can keep it illegal? ... who else do we know anyone else who's been addicted to weed?

I am officially joining the #NeverBears movement and will never bet on the Bears again.

I went back to the well and I bet on the Bears again. Never again. ... Never bears. Start it now. Hashtag it. Never bears.

There should be a 'Walking Awareness Month' in the NFL

Why isn't there a walking awareness month in the NFL? Walking injures more people statistically. People die all the time walking in front of cars. Drunk walking. Yeah, but they die walking. There should be walking awareness month if Roger Goodell truly cares about his fans.

The Chicago Bears are the worst team in the NFL

The Bears are the worst team in the NFL... No, they are. I said that. It was a definitive statement I said.

I'm still holding out hope for the Jaguars to turn their season around

I don't want to say the Jaguars [are the worst team] because I'm still jagging off. I'm still holding out hope for the Jags to turn things around.

Sam Bradford will eventually trip over his own sleeves and dislocate his shoulder

[Sam Bradford] is going to trip over his sleeves at some point and dislocate his shoulder, and then that'll be all she wrote.

Tom Brady is a system quarterback and Jacoby Brissett is better than him

Tom Brady, system quarterback. That's obvious right now. I have not seen Tom Brady—did you see how fast [Jacoby] Brissett was? That's a whole other dimension. I think he's a better quarterback than Tom Brady.

Carson Wentz will look like a deflated Ben Roethlisberger in two years

Carson Wentz strikes me as the kind of guy that's going to get fat later, though... Two years from now, Carson Wentz is going to look like a slightly deflated and less aggressive Ben Roethlisberger.

Andy Reid is a mediocre coach who will never win a Super Bowl

Andy Reid is just kind of there all the time... He's not threatening. He's not going to win a Super Bowl, but he's going to make your team okay.

It's time to ask if Andrew Luck is a bust

Is it time to ask, is Andrew Luck a bust? Andrew Luck has caused me so many gambling woes, and the latest one this week where he was just throwing the game away... I can't really tell you anything from [the weekend] except that I hate Andrew Luck. Like, that's my biggest takeaway.

Von Miller is the best defensive player in NFL history

Best defensive player in the league ever. It's not even close. There's no one even who can touch him, not in the same stratosphere, not any Houston Texans, no one. It's Von Miller and then a bunch of random guys. Bunch of losers.

The Panthers and Cardinals will meet in the NFC Championship game

I'll put Cam Newton back in the Super Bowl just because I'm boring like that. I think maybe Arizona would be my fourth team. Give me that NFC championship right there.

The Bears will beat the Eagles 24-20 on Monday Night Football

If I had to give you my score prediction, I would say Bears win 24-20. That's what the streets in Bakersfield are saying.

Bill Belichick would actually sign Jeff Garcia off the street

Realistically, you guys are thinking I'm joking about this. Jeff Garcia. If you don't think that Belichick would actually sign Jeff Garcia, you're an idiot because he would. He has been looking at Garcia's number in his phone and just staring at it almost pressing call for the last two hours.

Ryan Fitzpatrick is a top three NFL quarterback if given infinite time against a bad defense

I still think Ryan Fitzpatrick is – I think he's a top three quarterback in the NFL if you give him a lot of time and if you play against a bad defense.

I'm picking the Browns to cover this week because Hugh Jackson made them throw paper in the trash

I'm going to officially change my 49ers pick. I'm going to switch that to the Browns. [Hugh Jackson] having everybody throw their paper in the trash... to me, that's a bro sweet moment.

Philip Rivers is a homeschool guy who doesn't trust the government to educate his children

Phil Rivers... that's a guy that does not trust the government to educate his children. No. His 15 children.

Concussions aren't real

But actually concussions aren't real. So I don't know what Tebow is trying to get out there. Little Tebow is not the kind of guy who pretends to believe in stuff that doesn't actually exist.

Dan Quinn is on the hot seat because his defense can't get sacks

Dan Quinn. Oh, okay. Yeah. Second year. You know what? Really, really bad. Dan Quinn, defensive mastermind, 19 sacks in 17 games with the Falcons.

The Jaguars are officially back if they beat the Chargers

If we win, I feel like the Jaguars are back. I'll say that... we have the Ravens and the Colts after that... I feel like the next 15 are winnable.

Carson Wentz is the real deal and will break the Philly Super Bowl curse

Carson Wentz, the real deal. No way is this going to backfire, Philly. He is one of the best quarterbacks I've ever seen. Poise out of his eyeball. Hey, Philly, your Super Bowl curse, you're Gucci. You're Gucci, bro. You're breaking that, buddy.

The Vikings are actually better without Teddy Bridgewater

I think the Vikings are actually better without Teddy Bridgewater. They have a guy now that can get the job done. Sean Hill, he's a gamer... he's a guy that can win a game for you.

Jimmy Garoppolo is the future quarterback of the Chicago Bears

Future Bear quarterback, Jimmy Garoppolo. If you say it enough, people are going to start getting it in their head... Jimmy Garoppolo from Illinois, Eastern Illinois product. Bears.

The Jaguars will go 8-8 this year

Everybody declared that the book reader Blake Bortles was ready to turn the corner and so on. But the fact their offensive line is bad, and I think they go 8-8 this year.