Takes

Putting a monster bet on a primetime game kicks it up a notch

It is going to be putting a monster bet on like a prime time or big game when you're like, all right, Sunday night football. Let's go fucking all in here... That feeling, that rush you have where you're like, this is gonna be awesome.

Committing a crime is a 10 out of 10 way to kick things up a notch

Our last pick is going to be committing a crime. It kicks it up a notch. It could be something minor, like a light goes yellow then red, but you're like, 'fuck it.' Or it could be high level, like robbing a bank. Committing a crime, kicks it up a notch 10 out of 10 times.

60% of bank robberies go unsolved

My theory about bank robbers is I think you get away with robbing banks way more than we're told... I think like 60% of bank robberies go unsolved. It's a great business model.

Albert Einstein is an idiot because he married his first cousin

Einstein. Smartest guy alive, fucking married his cousin. What a foe... he F fucked his cousin. That makes no sense... He's not that smart. In my opinion. He's an idiot... he was like, yeah, you're not this isn't too incestuous enough for me. I need some fucking [cousin].

Men digest food 14 hours faster than women because men 'just get shit done'

A Mayo clinic study showed that the digestion process moves faster in men. It takes 33 hours mouth to butt in men and 47 hours for women... men are digesting 14 hours faster than women. And we just get shit done.

The lighter was invented before the match

The lighter was invented before the match... that's crazy... it'd be like, let's make this worse [with the match].

Refusing to use the metric system is a top-tier American trait

For our final pick, we will go with refusing to use the metric system. Just the rest of the world uses it. It makes such perfect sense... and we're like, oh, we're doing 12 inches.

American arrogance is just a statement of fact because we are the best

Just arrogance is American. Well, we're the best. Is it arrogance? If you just know that you're the best or is it a statement of fact? Yeah. It's actually being humble because we don't say how good we are all the time when we could. Yeah. Winning. Winning is American.

Your dependency on coffee becomes absolute after age 30

Your dependency on coffee after you turn the age of 30... You're thinking you're taking on more responsibilities, whether it's with work, whether it's the fact that you have a family, you know, if you have kids, you gotta be cranking at least four or five cups a day, even to just get your fucking day started.

Hangovers become two-to-three day events after you turn 35

Overall, dude, I cannot, cannot go out if I have something to do the next day... if I'm up till two in the morning drinking, I'm actually done for like two to three days. Oh... Monday, you're a terrible Tuesday. It creeps in and then Wednesday, you're not hung over. You just don't feel right.

Watching athletes who are younger than you is demoralizing

When you get past your thirties, something that really sucks is all the athletes you're watching are younger than you. And being like, like you start calling athletes, kid, and like, shit like that, where you're like, oh, okay. Like Luca Doncic is like 13 years younger than me. Like that shit just like, kind of fucks you up.

Your sex drive takes a significant hit after 30

I think this is the obvious one sex drive. After the age of the guy. You don't want to hump. I'm not. I feel like just wearing like new balances... I just, I dunno, I just like, I'd rather just fucking not do it.

Using subtitles and needing the volume lower becomes mandatory in your 30s

I watch everything in subtitles now... I had to ask the DJ to turn the music down a little bit because I couldn't hear people talk. Cause like I was trying to have a conversation. I was like, this is just too loud. So just the sound and like subtitles, like all that shit changes.

Losing weight becomes functionally impossible after age 30

I can't lose weight... metabolism. I, I can't just be like, oh, I'm going to eat a salad for four days in a row and lose 10 pounds. That doesn't happen anymore.

Jerking off is low-key gay

One, one is jerking off so easily. You're literally touching... Constantly touching it... Looking at it. Caressing it... You look forward to it.

The Catholic Church is low-key gay

We're going to go with the Catholic church... The drama, the costumes, the pageantry of it all. Super theater. They wear dresses, they're spraying water, there's smokes going on, there's candlelight, singalongs. Pageantry of it all.

Sharing a bed on vacation with friends is low-key gay

It's sharing a bed on vacation. 10 guys in a room trying to save money and Cancun or Daytona beach all cozy it up in the same bed. I was on a bachelor party in Vermont. I was sitting in a hot tub with six of my friends and we were like, this is kind of gay.

Scratching and sniffing your own balls is low-key gay

I'm going to say the scratch and sniff. Scratching your balls. Bringing the nut sack... all that musk and everything. Just cuddle it out. Like you can't get enough of it. It gives kids gay. When you're masturbating, smelling your own bowl, you're getting off on the smell.

I would rather have Alzheimer's than go through the effort of learning a new language

I would rather have Alzheimer's [than] learn a new language. sitting down and trying to learn an entirely new language... fluent in a new language would take so much.

A silverback gorilla could defeat an elephant by choking it out

I'm going to go elephant versus silverback gorilla. If the elephant can fucking get on his back and get him in a chokehold... [A] gorilla can tap out an elephant.

An elephant would defeat a rhino in a fight

I took elephant versus rhino. I like the matchup of the tusks and the horn. I think the elephant would win, but I would like to see it. They're worthy foes.

Rats are nastier than pigeons and would win in a fight

Just an all-out rat versus pigeon fight would be fun to watch. Just like who's the nastier animal. I think I got to go rats on that one.

I could probably choke out a teenage polar bear

[Big Cat: Billy, could you choke out a teenage polar bear?] I'd get pretty cut up, but maybe.

The art of parallel parking has been completely bastardized by backup cameras

I do think that parallel parking, the art of parallel parking has been completely bastardized by these cameras now. It sucks. It's not the same... It was always awesome when it was like no cameras, just fucking crushed it.

Smoking an analog cigarette is cool as fuck

Smoking a cigarette. Yeah. Smoking a cigarette looks cool. Very harmful. I don't care if it's vape these days, but smoking, smoking, smoking an analog cigarette is cool as fuck. It's cool. It is.

The Pyramids of Giza were probably built by aliens

I'm going to go with the real pyramids, Pyramids of Giza... the greatest structural engineering ever done, probably done by aliens.

Cranking the AC as low as possible is the #1 hotel move

Easy 1-1, cranking the AC as low as it can possibly go. That is the number one rule of every hotel room. You get in there. It's not your AC. Pray it goes below 65.

The 'Shampoo Soup' is a top-tier hotel move

This is my patented thing. I might trademark this move, but the shampoo soup. You get in the shower, you just take all of the free complimentary bottles and you just pour them into your hand and just rub it all over your body. Listen, that's not really shampoo. It's not body wash. It's all basically the same thing. You just combine them.

Every hotel room needs two beds so one can be used for luggage and clothes

Using one of the two beds in your room as the bag and clothes bed. Yeah, as a shelf. You just put all your stuff out on there, dirty clothes, that goes on the bed too. It's actually – most bedrooms that are being designed right now in America should have a second bed. Because it's so much easier to just use a bed as that than it is to use a closet or a dresser.

Hotels that set 6 a.m. alarms on the bedside clock are the worst

The worst is when you go to a hotel and you don't even realize that there's an alarm set and it will go off. That happens like once every 10 times, but it's brutal. Like a 6 a.m. alarm and you just have to fucking smash that clock against the wall.

The hot tub is a great hotel move for vacations and late nights

My last one is going to be the hot tub. The hot tub in the pool... the hot tub is a great thing to come back to at the end of the day.

You must loosen the hotel sheets before getting in or it's a 'straight jacket'

One of the first things I do when I get in a hotel room is I rip the sheets because they always make the bed so fucking tight that if you try to get into it, you basically get—it's a straight jacket. So I like to rip up the bottom of the sheets and kind of loosen up the bed.

If a hotel door has an actual key, it is either quaint or a crack house

If you stay in a hotel that has a key right now, it's one of two things. It's either like if you have a key to unlock your door, it's either a very quaint place or it's just a crack house. And there's no in-between whatsoever.

Drivers should be ineligible for speeding tickets if they are listening to Steely Dan or The Allman Brothers

I think if you're listening to the Allman Brothers or Steely Dan, you should be ineligible to get a speeding ticket... I like my driving songs to make me drive faster. Reeling in the Years is one of those songs.

There is nothing better than listening to Bob Seger's 'Night Moves' while driving alone at night

Night moves, Bob Seger, late at night. Just fucking when you're alone in the car, you and you're like the only one on the highway. There's fucking, nothing like that. Nothing like that.

Zoom happy hours suck and the novelty wore off in two weeks

Zoom happy hours. Remember when people tried to make that a thing? Everyone acted like, oh, we don't see our friends, so let's do a happy hour on Zoom. And then I think people did it for like a week or two... Everyone realized it sucked.

A girl taking forever to get ready is actually a positive for guys

Taking forever to get ready to go out... as soon as you like as you get older you realize like the timing of things and that's just free time. that's a rain delay that you get for going out that's you know what that time is that sit on the couch and refresh Twitter every two seconds right and not have to feel bad about not feel that at all.

A dog's head tilt is the best thing about having a dog

The inquisitive ears slash look when a noise or, you know, like your dog's like trying to learn something new and they give you that sideways glance. The head tilt. Oh, the best.

The first throw of a tennis ball is the best thing about having a dog

The first tennis ball throw... when your dog just loses their fucking mind and they're like, this is awesome. And that first burst of energy, nothing better.

Over-ordering at a restaurant is a top-four asset as a human being

It's like a top-four asset that I have as a human being. If we go out to dinner, I have no problem with being like, 'Yo, let's get all the appetites.'

Engineering is crazy and we just blindly accept it

Engineering is fucking crazy man like it's so crazy and we just accepted all buildings, bridges. It's so crazy and those whose minds are so advanced and their job is to just put stuff together till it gets huge tunnels.

Animals likely understand everything we say but are collectively choosing to ignore us

What if all the animals actually understood what we were saying but just just ignoring us... like the minute they figure out that we know shit's gonna get crazy and they can't talk back.

There should be a '23andMe' for old clothes to find out where they went

Why [isn't there] the 23andMe for your old clothes? You'll be session like I had to just awesome sweatshirt 15 years ago... I wouldn't have thrown that away. But where is it?

There should be a statistical database for 'Life Stats' like how many shoes you've tied

There should be a statistical database that can tell me the answers to things like how many times have I tied my shoes in my life? I would love to know that data... How many steps do you think you've taken?

The first blast of air conditioning on a super hot day is a top-tier life victory

the first first time you step inside and feel that blast of air conditioning on a super hot day... it just it feels like heaven just had on washes over you.

Doing the dishes is the absolute worst chore because it deters people from ever cooking at home

Doing the dishes is the worst because you also just ate so you're like all I want to do is sit down and just relax and then you got to get up and do the dishes... Doing the dishes have deterred millions upon millions of people from ever cooking at home because they suck so much.

Nebraska is a bottom-tier state because the only thing it has is the College World Series

Nebraska. No disagree... College World Series, don't we all watch that lot of us? No, who won the last College World Series? [Nothing else for Nebraska].

Utah is a strange state for having its religious freedom tied to a single group

The great state of Utah. Freaks. Religious freedom. Only state, how does that work? Someone explain that to me... I don't understand how one state, how that works.

I will break my wrist if I attempt to ride a skateboard during the tandem bike tour

I'm bad at balancing in general. So I've always wanted to surf or skateboard can't do it. If I get on a skateboard, I guarantee you within probably less than a second, I will break my wrist very bad.

Bats are the worst animal because they take away things like March Madness

I'm gonna win the strap with first pick because it's the number one most Wanted animal in the world right now his ruined the entire world. It's bats. Bats fucking suck. Fuck bats. ... Secondary take away March Madness. Don't do ecosystems... I will never forget that we didn't get March Madness in 2020.