Takes

The awareness of death is what makes things like ice cream taste better

The fact that we're only here for a time imbues this moment with a richness that wouldn't be there if I lived forever. The stakes of death are what give life more value. And I would say make ice cream a little bit more delicious because it means more that you know it might be your last.

You cannot pair a stone-cold sober person with a heavy stoner in a relationship

You can't have somebody that's stone cold sober and somebody that's like high. Ben Buddha Ben needs... he needs a Buddha babe that understands him and gets him. But you can't pair up like a stone-cold sober person with that because the personalities just don't align.

Bert Kreischer has a Division 1 level tennis serve

I have a division one serve in tennis... I aced him [Tom Segura] 42 times... his tennis coach pulled Thomas out before the match. He said, 'heads up your boy's got a division one serve.'

ADHD is an asset for professional chefs

I think if you actually really did a study, you'd find that a probably a greater percentage than the regular population has ADHD. I think it is when you're... hyper-focused... if you need to be in a situation where there's constant stuff coming at you and you need that stimulus working in the kitchens... I could cook 20 things at a time because it just felt right. I was in my zone.

Matt Ryan is the most Indiana-looking person in history

He's the most Indiana looking person maybe ever. There's perfect. Like you created a video game character and you stopped halfway through because you didn't really care how much detail you wanted to put on his face.

Every pro athlete should be allowed to beat up one fan per year

If we just had my rule of every single player in every sport gets to pick out one fan a year and peat every living shit out of him, sports would be more fun.

Alcohol is a diuretic because it flushes liquid out of your body faster than you can hydrate

Al calls a diuretic. And why it dehydrates you is because it flushes all the liquid in your body, out through your piss. So even though it may seem like it's hydrated... It gets all your liquid out faster.

Once you mentally transition into wearing shorts for the spring, you can never go back to pants

Once I mentally transitioned into shorts, I just don't go back. And so I'll get caught with like wearing these shorts when it's freezing outside, looking like a fool... but I can't go back and officially made the mental transition. I'm a short, skinny.

People lie because they are afraid of the negative reaction to the truth

The thing I struggle with... people that lie a lot, they lie because of the reaction that they were getting, when they would get in trouble. It's like almost a defense mechanism. Right? I created a paradigm within which [my daughter] was not allowed to grow and learn because she was going to fuck up again. But now she was so scared of watching me fly off the handle... that I taught her. The new thing is to lie.

The Liver King is shorter because he didn't go through the agricultural revolution

He's come for short too... Well, you see, he didn't go through the agricultural revolution. So he was, he's still the size of the early ancestor, tall for his era. You didn't go to the agricultural revolution yet.

Madison Airport (MSN) is an 8.6 out of 10

Final ratings... I'm going to say now this is obviously on a curve because the regional airport... I love how small and quaint it is. I'm going to give it an eight on eight and a half. ...PFT: 9.1... Hank: 8.1... Let's say 8.6 for the people. 8.6. It's a pretty good rating.

A lion would beat a jaguar in a fight

I feel like a lion, right? King of the jungle? Yeah. They're way bigger.

English literature majors can graduate college without attending in-person classes

Problem is now that I have actually have in-person classes, I just don't go because I'm too used to smoking weed and playing video games. So I was just wondering if I can graduate without going to class for the rest of my college career... Yeah, you sure can. It's called being an English major.

To graduate college, you either have to read the book or go to class—you don't have to do both

the tip I always give is I would either read the book or go to class one or the other, you pick one or the other and you'll be fine. I would either go like, if I didn't want to read the book, I'd go to every single class. If I didn't feel like going to class, I'd read every single book on the list because they basically give you all the answers in college.

People under five foot nine should not be allowed to lead countries

If you're five foot nine or less, you should not be in charge of a country. I will fully admit my people [short people] have a deficiency and that's like, we like to try to take over the world to prove everyone... we should not be allowed within 50 miles of a nuclear missile.

Interacting with other parents is the absolute worst part of parenting

My son's school closed because of construction permanently and I got stuck in a WhatsApp thread with a bunch of parents who wanted to sue. This is not what I like—being a parent is awesome of your children. Having to interact with other parents is the worst.

I want to invent soundproof 'fart pants' for airplanes

My idea was to get fart pants, to invent fart pants. And it would just consist of pants that were soundproof. So you could wear them... when I fart on an airplane, it's never smelly. It doesn't stink. It's just air. And it's just super loud.

Hank the Tank the bear cannot be relocated and will die if forced into the wilderness

Hank the tank is a 500 pound black bear... He doesn't know how to hunt because he's so dependent on humans. He cannot be relocated to the wilderness or he would die of starvation because he's completely has zero motivation... Plus he's fat as fuck.

Traveling with kids is a 'trip', not a 'vacation'

It's vacation when you don't have children with you. And it's a trip when you do, because you're not, it's not a vacation when you bring your kids... Away game parenting is so much harder than a home game.

Best man speeches must be five minutes or less

I think you have to keep it like five minutes or less. I think anyone who goes longer than that is... it's three to five minutes.

You should never use notes for a best man speech

I think you have to speak. I think the notes make you freaked out... I think no notes is the way to go... If you're up reading notes, you lose already because everyone's like, wait, you need notes for this?

The 'Hangover Theory': Regret and life-change desires disappear by Tuesday

When you're hungover... it fucking goes away. It goes away. It doesn't feel like it's going to go away... and you're like, should I take a foreign language? Maybe I finally learn an instrument... And then by Tuesday, you're like, what a fucking weirdo I was for 36 hours.

Being the 'Cooler Guy' is a better social strategy than being the 'Grill Guy'

Be the cooler guy, not the grill guy. That's a big one. The grill guy in any outing or barbecue or anything sucks... Cooler guy gets to control the beer. Also, if you can keep everything cold, everyone's going to be like, oh my God, you did a great job.

In a bar fight, ask 'what did you just say?' then punch them while they repeat it

If you do find yourself in a fight... the guy says something to you, ask and be like, what'd you just say? And then as he starts to repeat himself, that's when you punch him because he's focused on remembering what he just said... He never expects the punch in that situation.

Relationships built entirely on fitness and distance running are not built to last

Relationships built off fitness. I don't think are built to last because at some point, yeah, you're going to be out of shape. Well, and then you both have to be fitness freaks and then make tick talks together about like meal prep and shit.

Modern legalized weed is too high in THC and I miss the 'bad weed' from high school

Bad weed nowadays, it's hard to find out here, man. It sucks. It's gotten much too good... I want something like pretty casual. I don't smoke as much as I used to. I would like to have a life after this. And they're like, 'this is solid,' and I look at it and it's 38% THC. I'm like, how is this okay? When I go, I just ask for like bad. I just say, I want something like pretty bad.

I could easily run a 5k in under 30 minutes if I actually trained

If I trained, which I won't, I could be under 30 easy. No problem. My pace was already 4:30... 34 minutes, I didn't stop. I just fucking powered through.

My cross-country road trip changed my life

It unlocked something in my brain that I don't think will ever go away. We just discover a lot about myself, which... [the road trip] saved, it changed my life.

37 is the saddest birthday for an adult

I'm comfortable in 37. I'm old I'm washed. Who cares? 37 is in terms of the birthday scale. It ranks at the very bottom. The saddest birthday, really nothing burns.

Microwaves are the best invention of all time and better than air fryers

When did we just start disrespecting the mighty microwave? The microwave is the best invention, maybe of all time. You put something in there, it gets so hot... It boils water in 15 seconds and everybody's just sleeping on it... microwaves are coded. They are all right.

COVID-19 causes the human spine to compress and makes you lose height

I used to be five nine, but then I got COVID now I'm five eight. Does it to your spine or does it compresses it... stay safe, I hope that you're vaccinated.

NFL players should bring two sets of clothes to every game based on the outcome

I think more players should bring two sets of clothes to a game. Like one if you win, one if you lose... when you show up at the podium and you've got like a live, barely dead raccoon wrapped around your head and you're talking about how you went five for 22 with three interceptions, like that's not helping anybody.

Exercise is the key to mental well-being

Exercise is the key mental wellbeing. In all 23 years, that's probably my greatest [lesson].

A person's birthday doesn't matter after age 21

After like 21, your birthday doesn't really matter. Like it's not like a, I'm going to take the, I'd rather take... I would never want to take my birthday off.

I want my mind to get duller as I get older, rather than sharper

I never want to do anything that sharpens my mind. I want it to get duller and duller as days go by... Gary V being like learn something new every day. No, come on. I'm just trying to just get up, wake up and then go to sleep.

Getting in shape requires a consistent lifestyle change rather than a temporary diet

The tips are easy. The application is hard. Make good choices and be consistent. And that's absolutely it. Don't make it a January diet, make it a lifestyle change, make good choices and be consistent.

Planes can basically land themselves now, so clapping for pilots is unnecessary

Even in fog, you'll basically have the plane land itself... I think you should, more or less [clap] back to the plane. I mean, now most of the landings are done by hand, you know, obviously, cause, cause you've got to stay current... you know that if something was really going on, you know, those things are pretty much going to land themselves in fog.

You should never send a meme to a person you are in a relationship with

I think it's more of a red flag that he's sending memes to you. You don't send memes to somebody that you're in a relationship with. You steal the memes and then you verbally tell them to them when you're out to dinner so you sound funny.

I'm going to get jacked and start dressing like an adult in 2022

I'm getting jacked again and starting to dress more like an adult... Look what I got for Christmas... It's a satchel. It's not a backpack. Adult steps.

JNCO jeans are officially back in style

My cool throne is JNCOs. Yeah. And JNCOs are also back... there was a, a trend piece in the Wall Street Journal, you know, something's real cool when it's written about in the Wall Street Journal.

Doing spreadsheets so fast that you sweat counts as blue collar work

I don't care if you're just like a little bit out of shape, you're doing spreadsheets. You're doing them really fast. I agree if you're so fast on the computer that it makes you sweat. That's blue collar for sure. A hundred percent.

I will get a Warzone win before the new season or I'll get duct-taped to a wall

A month and a half ago I was playing War Zone... I was like I'll get a win before the new season comes out, which is next Monday or Tuesday... if I don't you'll get duct tape to wall. I was like absolutely. There's no doubt in my mind I'll get that win. No problem at all.

I am going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on anything

I got like a little bit of bad news... I'm going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on any of them. So I have responsibly reached the end of my allocated fund for myself that I had through November.

Robots can now reproduce

Cool throne is robots. They lost their virginity. Not much more that we need to explain there. Robots can reproduce now. They just released it. There was a scientific research experiment. There was a scientific green robots that created. It's a thing.

Breaking your ribs feels the same as being shot

You know, Rob Gronkowski is stealing more valor. He said that when he broke his ribs, he's never been shot before. But when he broke his ribs, he thought it was like how it feels to get shot.

The name change from Staples Center to Crypto.com Arena is disgusting

My system is the Los Angeles Lakers. Oh, they've destroyed their brand by changing their iconic name, the staple center to the crypto center. It's just a terrible idea. And I just think that staple center was such a great and original name. And the fact that they changed it to a corporation is disgusting.

Sleeping is the most dangerous thing you can do once you hit your mid-30s

I actually think that sleeping is the most dangerous thing that we do once we hit our mid thirties. [In response to dislocating shoulder in sleep] I woke up and my shoulder was literally out of its socket and I had to pull it back into its socket.

Falling asleep after masturbating in a hotel room is the best feeling ever

Falling asleep after jacking off in a hotel room is maybe the best feeling ever... Most middle-aged men would look at that as the best vacation.

Vegans have nothing to look forward to in life

Vegans gross. Like what do you do? What do you look forward to? Bread? Ice cream? If you're a vegan, tell me what you look forward to? The day you die and you get the sweet release of this hellhole of a life.

Never mess with a family from the former Yugoslavia

As a general rule of thumb, don't fuck with any family from the former Yugoslavia. It's great just because it's taking this... Yeah, they're like if the Ryan twins were in the movie Taken.