Takes

Dungeons and Dragons is the universal game of imagination that everyone has already played

I like to say D&D is the game that everyone has played. Even if you only did it when you were a kid and didn't know it was D&D, it is just the game of imagination that we all play. And it's the, it is the universal game in many ways.

Society was better when people who performed mentalist tricks were treated like witches

We used to be a proper society. We used to drown those people, like witches burn them. Yeah. Like it's getting a little to the point where it's like, should we throw, should we throw some rocks at him at the town square?

Amateur kid mentalists are scarier than the professional ones

There was just a kid at summer camp... last year too showed up was a high school kid and was literally guessing my pin number for my ATM account. If you can do that and other people can do that, that's almost scarier. Like they're just living among us.

The name 'Six Female Chinese Boy Whisperers' instills fear in opponents

I love that. I love that people hear that name and they go running for the hills... A name that instills fear.

Going to Disney World after winning the Super Bowl is actually a punishment

The Disney world thing that they have to do is just punishment. Sam Darnold and Kenneth Walker being in the teacups right after the game when it's like all you wanna do is party with your boys. That sucks.

Stop comparing your boat to others and just appreciate your own boat

There's a lot of guys looking at your boat... that'd be enough boat for me. I think not to make this about life, but it's, it's just something to remember. There's probably somebody looking at your boat going that's that's good enough for me. I should stop looking at the other boats.

No one ever needs to actually 'check out' of a hotel

I've never checked out of a hotel in my entire life... The most I've ever done is once in a while... put your room key in here when you leave. Other than that... I think I threw it in the trash.

PFT Commenter is done dunking forever - retiring from attempting to dunk

My fire fest. I don't think I'm gonna dunk again. I think I'm gonna have to learn how to play below the rim. So I'm calling it quits on attempting to dunk anymore in my future.

Daily ice cream consumption can reduce diabetes risk by 50%

Ice cream might save the planet. The healthy fats in ice cream can protect you against so many things... 50% reduction in diabetes [from] one serving a day.

Alex Honnold is a 'fucking idiot' for his free solo climbs

He's a fucking idiot. And I hated every second of it... as a person who's terrified of heights watching him get up to those bamboo rings...stood up at the top in the wind forever. Fuck this guy. I can't watch any more of it.

The US government will confirm the existence of aliens this week

Aliens might drop this week. Like, like there's aliens might drop this week... [The White House] might confirm the existence of aliens as early as this week. And just be ready for the outcome of that.

The electrical substation next to the 49ers facility is causing player injuries by dehydrating their cells.

The wireless stuff, basically it dries you out on the inside. So have you ever taken a rubber band and like left it out in the sun and it goes from being nice and stretchy to being brittle and snaps? ... there's been a lot of research in the past 50 years... showing that it can cause cause harm at the cellular level by dehydrating yourselves among other things.

Exposing your 'boys' to sunlight increases testosterone.

Never tried it, but there is evidence that if you get sun on your boys, that your testosterone will go up.

Fasting is the worst thing ever

I realized I was such a bitch. ... Anyone who tries to tell you the fasting is the way to go. It ain't, it ain't the way to go.

I will buy Big Cat and PFT a boat if I sign another NFL contract

I would say any amount of money, I think hopefully... Hopefully another contract one day and, and we'll make it happen... any amount of money, I think hopefully.

I will become an 'ice bath guy' and essentially be a Navy SEAL

In addition to the zipline, I'm gonna become a, I'm gonna try to become an ice bath guy. Notice I said try to become, yeah. I'm not gonna commit myself to becoming one because I might be a pussy. But if I can do it and I become one, I'm basically a Navy SEAL. So that's what's at stake here. Pussy or a Navy SEAL.

Ava Hudson is the best volleyball player I've ever seen

Ava Hudson was insane. She might be the best volleyball player I've ever seen before in my life. And that's saying a lot.

The 'Blob' weather pattern could mean the end of the world

B-Big Cat, We are Earth could be finished. We could be done... There's a world, the blob never goes away... I do wanna say you're right. I was being dramatic there. Blob will go away, but it's sinking its toes right now.

Billionaires who don't own a professional sports team are losers

I've said it a million times, I think it's a very strong take. If you are a billionaire and you don't own a professional sports team, you're a loser. ... The only reason you get that much money is to go buy a team.

The best way to surprise a girl with a proposal is to do a fake one at a sports game first

The surprise is already over because you already are planning it. ... The only way he could truly surprise you is doing it at a sports game... center court at a mid-tier college basketball game. ... He does a fake proposal to you at a sports game and then he's like 'piss you off! Just kidding!'

Taking apart a microwave is fatal because it contains an electric bomb

Do never, do not ever take apart a microwave because you'll die. You'll get electrified. They've got like a bomb inside of them. ... You have a nuclear weapon in your kitchen.

My ceiling as a golfer might be higher as a lefty

I might be more... I can maybe my my ceiling is higher. Potentially left-handed more good at golf. My ceiling is higher. Damn. We'll see.

A 'hot blob' and an 'earth tilt' will make the Chicago winter catastrophic and uninhabitable

Apocalyptic winter might be upon us. Why? I think it's inhabitable winter. We might just have to go out of country... High pressure, massive ocean heat wave up in North Pacific. The blob... They're saying 2013-2014 had nothing on this blob.

Ayahuasca allows you to have real conversations with your ancestors in another realm

You go back, you go back and you have real conversations with your people. You know, you go to another realm... The medicine brought me places that definitely put me at peace with things that were, I had turmoil in my system.

I can pass the bar exam without going to law school if I study for four months

I have irrational confidence in myself to be able to pass the bar exam. It doesn't make any sense. I just think that if I, if I tried for like four months... I think I can, I can be a lawyer.

The Chicago area will get three inches of snow that will be gone by Wednesday morning

I'll predict right now... I think we're gonna get three inches and it's gonna be gone by Wednesday morning.

I am going to read Don Quixote cover to cover

I ordered it, I I'm gonna give it a shot... If I read the entire book cover to cover every single word, I will wipe the debt. Okay... I'm fucking, I'm I'm gonna be done with it by the time the punishment comes around.

Feral cats are a significantly larger threat to bird populations than wind turbines

Cats are responsible for an estimated 365 million to 2.4 billion bird deaths per year in the US alone. And then wind turbines are responsible for an estimated 140,000 to 680,000 bird deaths annually... Feral cats are a problem. That's my, that's, that's the conclusion I came up with.

Wind turbines should be banned from the ocean because they destroy ecosystems

I'll stand up business on, on wind getting wind turbines out of the ocean. I don't really care one way or the other about the ones on land... I was on a boat off of Block Island and the captain was telling me about how a wind turbine broke and the pieces of the wind turbine were just completely destroying the ecosystem of the ocean.

The Italian race is essentially finished because they are too attracted to Latinas

He told me today that Italians were done in this country... because a lot of them are attracted to Latinas. And so then they have kids with Latinas and then there's no more Italians. Jerry just looked at his own kids and was like, man, Italians are done.

Solo dates are the superior way to experience the movies

I went on, I guess what someone called solo date the other day. I thought it was okay. I thought it was like a rec, a super normal thing to do... You ever, you ever go to the movies solo? Yes sir. All the time. That's great. I think that's the best way to go to the movies.

I was banned from my fantasy league by a corrupt commissioner

I was canned mid midweek last, last week by some what some are saying is maybe a corrupt commissioner. I was kicked from the league... He just like, sorry, had to drop you and because you didn't set the lineup how you should have set the lineup... The commissioner, coincidentally seventh place. I also wanna say commissioner, coincidentally first guy to make trades with the team.

Every Philadelphia sports team should be blown up and started from ground zero

Done. Everything's done. Blow it up. Blow up. Start every single team from ground zero. No, I, every single one of 'em, I'm done with the union.

Jonathan Taylor is a top-three human being in the entire world

He is a workhorse, and what he's done in the NFL too is awesome to see. And man, his ability speaks volumes and he's even a way better person than he is a player too. Like, no, he is the most genuine human being. [He's a top three human] in my opinion. [In the entire world].

I am donating all my 50/50 raffle winnings plus an extra $25,000 to charity

I am gonna donate all the money and then some... I'm donating all the money and then more, I'm, I, I wrote Lavante a check for 75,000, which will hopefully get them back on their feet. And I'm just doing it. I'm the 50 50 is the love of the game... it was never about the money.

I'm officially declaring that tits are back and the era of the 'ass boys' is over

I said, tits are back. I said, the, the ass, the the ass boys had their little run, but tits are all the way back. And people were like, bro, you're fucking 50 and you're talking about this, like, yeah. That's awesome.

I am a better rock skipper than both Big Cat and PFT Commenter

I think I'm better than PFT... I didn't say guaranteed, but I think I am [better than both]. I don't know. I just think I'm, I think I'm a good, I'm, I have a lot of experience skipping rocks.

St. Louis is a terrible city with shit sports teams and paste-like pizza

St. Louis isn't great. Sports teams shit. Pizza not good. I don't even think it's cheese. I think they use like, some sort of glue or paste. It's a whole, whole entire city of people sitting under an arch eating paste.

I'm eventually going to lose the tip of my pinky on a bet

I'm probably gonna lose a pinky. Eventually. I'm gonna lose a pinky. We're gonna do this show for the next 40 years. I'm gonna do this bet every year for some year. I'm gonna lose the pinky.

A Bengal tiger would kill a Jaguar in a fight every single time

I just looked at AI and a Bengal would kill a Jaguar like a hundred out of a hundred times. A Jaguar does have one of like the the fiercest bites in the animal kingdom. The problem is the Bengal outweighs the Jaguar by like 200 pounds.

I will beat Hank in an 18-hole match play golf game for $5,000

I am now very excited about beating you [Hank] at golf and taking the thing that you love the most in this whole world away from you.

Above-ground pools are 'very good' and belong in the Hall of Very Good

Our second pick is going to be above ground pools. ... They're very good. They're very fun. I've had a fun time in an aboveground. ... So much better than no pool.

Titty fucking is 'very good' but not 'Hall of Fame' level

We want to take titty fucking. Yeah. It's very good. ... It's not Hall of fame. Hall of Fame is sex. ... If you're titty fucking in an above ground pool in Canada, you're having a very good time. Yeah.

The 'Mega Bed' changed my life

I initially scoffed it because it was a long day of travel. I was tired. It was late. But then the next day I was like, you know what Zac, we got a mega bed. You were right. We mega Beded... mega bed changed my life.

The Stanley Cup tumbler craze is overhyped because it is just a cup

We're gonna take Stanley cups, drinkware, the big fucking Stanley Cups that everyone goes crazy about. All the women love it. Don't understand the hypes... It's literally just a cup... they're almost like beanie babies, like the newer version of Beanie Babies where people collect different colors.

The Mona Lisa is an ugly, shitty, overhyped painting

We don't understand the hype of the Mona Lisa whatsoever. It's a fucking chick. And she's ugly. I don't get it... It's a fucking painting. It's so dumb. It's so hyped... It's a shitty painting. If you put that up in my house, it'd be like, take it down. She's ugly.

The hype around being an adult is unmerited; everyone rushes to grow up for no reason

Being an adult, I don't understand the hype on like being an adult. Everyone. You're as growing up. Everyone was like, I can't wait to get older, get older, get older. And I'm like, why are we rushing these things?... I don't get the hype on everyone wanting to age so quickly... I just, not all the aspects are the best.

It would take at least 10 world-class UFC fighters to kill one silverback gorilla

A hundred of me will kill that gorilla. But we would need at least 10 [UFC fighters]. We would need at least 10. One guy is gonna have to sacrifice it, man. Yeah. You need one guy to sacrifice maybe two then you need one to be able to grab the back. I'll just keep on choking until it dies.

I can't wait to use a handicapped parking spot when I'm old

Handicapped parking. I can't wait to fucking do it... Primo spots. Oh, I always pass it. I'm like, obviously don't want, I'm very thankful to be able... but if you're old, that's a good, that's a good deal.

If you have to light yourself on fire for a trick, it's not cool enough

If you have to light yourself on fire, the trick's not cool enough to start with.