Takes

Larry David navigating the COVID-19 pandemic in Curb Your Enthusiasm will be amazing television.

Curb Your Enthusiasm got greenlit for an 11th season... I think Larry David—Corona is going to be amazing. The corona Larry David, like there's no better wheelhouse for that guy.

Ranking Lisa Ann at #94 on an all-time porn star list is disrespectful to her legacy as a game-changer.

Shyla Stylez at 354 and Lisa Ann at 94 is absolutely atrocious... Lisa Ann at 94, like the committee got that one wrong. That's awful. Even if you missed her heyday, you got to know that she meant something to the game, right? She changed the game, a hundred percent. I thought that was a little bit disrespectful.

The fire drill is the best 'The Office' cold open

Number one is I think the fire that Dwight starts... the fire wall on them that was after a Super Bowl too if I remember correctly.

A great prank should cram absurdity into reality without being mean

a prank is about cramming absurdity into reality and distorting the truth until you like short circuit somebody's brain you want you want somebody to be pinwheeling. You don't want them like you're not I'm not trying to ruin somebody's Day Ever.

The NFL shield logo hat is the dopest hat ever

There's no Team hat is their Championship hat nothing. Other than that NFL hat which by the way, I thought this is the dopest hat I've ever seen because I'd never really seen one other than on a ref.

Stephanie Cmar will win Top Chef Season 17 because of the judge's reaction in the trailer

In the preview for the finale, they have Padma awarding the winner and saying congratulations you are top chef, but people have gone back and rewound it and they can tell by her inflection that she's genuinely surprised to be awarding it to this person. So now the internet is thinking the betting odds have shifted that it's going to be Stephanie... my money is on Stephanie.

I'm genuinely happy that Chase Stokes and Madelyn Cline from 'Outer Banks' are dating in real life

John B and Sarah Cameron dating in real life. Yes. Fuck. Yes. That is so hot. That's awesome. Oh fuck. Yes. All right. I need all the Deets on that... Chase Stokes and Maddie in real life. According to—get stoked—Ria's already—Ria's where's my heart is about to burst.

Authenticity is the key to comedy because real people are naturally weird

If you're authentic in your credible. People are funny. Anyway, right like you could if you're real people are weird like in real life people are just nuts. So you can if you telling you know, the story about someone's life and some lesson they learned or how they got through something hard if you take it seriously, it's still going to be funny.

Underappreciated comedies like 'Walk Hard' and 'Popstar' are often more enjoyable to look back on than blockbusters

Walk Hard is a movie that made very little money. I think it's one of the funniest ones of all the ones we did... That's our favorite thing when you know, something feels dismissed at the time and it seems to hold up ten years later... [Popstar] is another great one. It is always a bummer when you don't have the box office you were hoping for... but you want something to make people happy.

Lance Armstrong single-handedly ruined the name 'Lance' for babies

I think Lance Armstrong probably killed the name Lance. Yeah, you know babies named Lance? Yes, yes. Lance is not a little kid's name. I feel like you name a fucking—that's the kid that you're like, I'm going to wait until I meet it and know its personality and it turns out to be real asshole.

Jensen Karp is the rat leaking Blake Griffin's info to TMZ

I'm getting a text back right now from my source at TMZ. He says that Jensen Karp is, is your leak is your rat.

Counterfeit wine is the perfect crime

It's the perfect crime. Really, even though he's in jail, I know that sounds very counterintuitive because you got caught, but finding a way to sell to get a bunch of rich white dudes drunk and then pulling a scheme on them while they're drunk is genius.

The Forrest Gump book is not as good as the movie

I think it's not even close... I think the author is a talented man and I couldn't have imagined it without him. But I think I just took off in my own direction and something spoke to me.

Forrest Gump 2 will never happen

No, that won't happen. I mean, I'll tell you some things that were in it, but I did write the script and I turned it in on 9-10. The day before 9-11 and Bob and Zemeckis... and Tom Hanks and I sat together and we looked at each other and said, that's the end of this.

David Fincher and Martin Scorsese are the best living directors

but David Fincher to me is the best, probably let's say Marty and him best living directors.

I am reclaiming Hawaiian shirts for people who like to party

Apparently, this has become like a race war white supremacist thing to wear Hawaiian shirts... Fuck you. You will not take... I'm reclaiming Hawaiian shirts for people that like to party. I will not allow the Hawaiian shirt to be co-opted.

Netflix's Outer Banks is a bad show that is also good

I like Outer Banks. It's such a bad show. It's so bad. It's become good. It reminds me of all my favorite action movies with Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme... it is so bad, and I'm learning nothing. I'm getting dumber.

Shows like 'The Kardashians' and 'Real Housewives' are heavily scripted and planned out

All the housewives shows and even the Kardashians who actually are really nice people. But that stuff's all scripted out and it's all planned. There's not like where they're, no one goes, well, let's go to Nobu for lunch. Oh, my gosh. There's my arch enemy.

Outer Banks is essentially 'The OC' meets 'National Treasure'

What the fuck is Outer Banks, man, Hank? I started watching it. It's like how is this show? It's the OC meets National Treasure. How is this show popular?

People love reality television because it allows them to feel superior to the 'shitty people' on screen

That's why we love reality television, because we get to watch it and say, oh, well, at least we're not them. At least we're not drunk fighting in the Hamptons every summer. Or at least we don't own these tigers and kill our husband. We judge ourselves like we could be shitty people, but we're not that.

The Star Wars and Simpsons fanbases are the hardest to please

Is the Star Wars fan base the hardest fan base to please? [Big Cat]. It's up there. I think it's up there with the Simpsons fan base. ... I think the corporate culture of some of these other fandoms is, I am owed everything. ... It's the worst episode ever, and I feel like they owe me an apology.

Tekashi 6ix9ine's addiction to Instagram Live will eventually lead to his downfall

this dude is so good at self-promotion... But the only downside to it is he's addicted to going live. He goes live when he's about to commit crimes. And as somebody who's on the run from people that are looking for him, I think that's going to be his downfall.

Kristin Cavallari is leaking stories to the press to make Jay Cutler look bad

Kristen Cavallari has now had like seven stories in the last week that she's leaked to the press. My quarterback has not said a word... she is going to have a reality show being like living through a divorce or some bullshit.

Elon Musk naming his kid a symbol will force teachers to learn code

Teachers are on the hot seat because this is going to start a trend amongst the nerd people community. Be like, oh, we don't even have to name our kids real names. We can just do symbols and codes. And so imagine being a teacher and getting an attendance sheet and being like, hey, Sam, Joe, X AE A-12.

Darren Rovell's Kate Upton story is actually a flex on his 'talent scouting' ability

Darren Ravel posting this literally has nothing to do with him wanting to have sex with Kate Upton. It's just him trying to flex on everybody and being like I I recognize that this woman was going to be very attractive... I have a great eye for talent.

There is a specific feeling of being in a movie when the perfect song hits at the right time

When you have the perfect song Come On whether it be in the car or when you're walking and you feel like you're in a movie... when that perfect song hits for your mood for the weather for everything and it just feels like you are in the middle of your own movie.

I am 'Team J' in the Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari divorce

I'm team J. I don't know anything, I literally don't know anything, but I'm team J. ... That's my quarterback. Frat bros gotta stick together... I am team J forever and always unless noted he gets arrested for a felony.

The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon was ahead of its time regarding stadium politics

I love the owner being like I'm an Eagles fan my whole life. I love this city and they're like, so you're not going to move. He's like, yeah. It's like so you're going to stay at the at this current Stadium. He's like, whoa didn't say that. We need a new Stadiums like hey, look there's every problem that every ownership video team has had ever had for the rent for the next 25 years... Stan Kroenke probably watch this was like, oh this is how it's done.

AJ Soprano is the worst TV character of all time

AJ Soprano is the worst character of all time. I fucking hate it... Every time he came on I want to fast forward.

Robert California's character marked the end of The Office being good

I'll go with Robert California that fucking soaked... then Robert California just it's like, alright, this show is completely over.

Vincent Chase is a terrible TV character

I think Vincent Chase is a fucking terrible character. Vinnie Chase. I hate Vinnie Chase... What does Vinnie Chase do that's memorable besides make stupid decisions, box smoke shows, and hang out and smoke weed?

Billy Mitchell's wife is the reason he is the 'King of the Nerds'

I actually kind of think his wife has big tits and I think that that is the greatest equalizer in like nerd world where they're like, 'Whoa, Billy look at the fucking the tits on your wife' and then he just becomes the King of the Nerds.

Billy Mitchell is an assistant who talks in the third person to reporters

Shawn Jones is definitely Billy, right? Talking the third person. That's absolutely it's an assistant that Billy made up like Trump made up John Baron back in the 80s to like talk to reporters and shit.

Britney Spears set a world record by running the 100m dash in 5.97 seconds

Britney Spears set a world record in the 100 meter dash. She ran a hundred meters in 5.97 seconds on a treadmill which is four seconds faster than Usain Bolt... no one's gonna break that record.

Kevin Spacey is the runaway worst Kevin of all time

Kevin Spacey is number one on our bad Kevin's... he is I think he's like the runaway worse Kevin of all time. We should put an asterisk next to Kevin Spacey and then be like clearly Worst Kevin Captain because the other Kevin's don't really deserve to be in association with him. He's at a Pantheon all on his own.

Carole Baskin is a master at weaponizing sympathy

She was designed to come off as the most sympathetic character at least in the first couple episodes... but she is almost as messed up as Joe [Exotic], but she plays it always using the holier-than-thou card. She could teach a class on how to get maximum money out of a GoFundMe. She's great at pretending that she is the cleanest one.

Dude Perfect is responsible for the coronavirus because their trick shot gong was made in Wuhan

I'm putting Dude Perfect on the hot seat. I don't know if you've seen them recently, but they were showing off the gong that they have in their Dude Perfect warehouse... and it says proudly made in Wuhan right on the big gong there. So many people are asking is Dude Perfect responsible for the stuff that's going on the world.

Lauren and Cameron from Love Is Blind will stay together

I do think Lauren and Cameron are going to make it. I hope so... they are the like... I do think Lauren and Cameron are going to make it.

Game of Thrones Season 8 was so bad that no one will rewatch it even during quarantine

I tweeted that the 8th season was so insultingly bad that people about to be locked in their houses for weeks on end and no one's going to rewatch Game of Thrones.

Breaking Bad is the best show of all time

I did the same thing that you did with Game of Thrones with Breaking Bad and I'm never really watched that show ever... it's the best show of all time.

David Blaine is the alpha in a room full of action stars

The alpha where yes... David Blaine obviously David Blaine is the alpha... it helped the Cheetos [Pacino] going. I gotta go to my therapist... This was like the most surreal shit I've ever done in my life.

Barnett and Amber from Love Is Blind will not work as a couple

I want to talk about Barnett because Barnett... he's a fuccboi the very distant definition of fuck boy and he's found his girl in Amber Who is the very definition of a hot mess. So you got a fuccboi in a hot mess. And those are two Unstoppable forces that are just going to rub up against each other until they get into a fight. Right. So that relationship is not going to work.

Cameron and Lauren are the only normal couple on Love Is Blind

My favorite couple by far is Cameron. And what's her name? Lauren? Lauren Lauren. They're the most like hey. They're pretty normal as camera know is he's a weirdo born. He's a little to have your notice like every time they walk he like is way too close to her.

Every actor wants to be famous; those who say they don't are liars

I don't like I said, I you know, there are two kinds of actors: actors who want to be famous and liars.

Madison will win The Bachelor because she has the heart of a winner

I said Madison episode 1 of this... I watched the first episode and she said that she won four state championships in a row in high school. And I was like that is a heart of a champion. Even if she doesn't like this guy she's going to compete to win it's a winner and that's what she's gonna do.

Madison's stance on Peter sleeping with other women is normal for real life but irrational for The Bachelor.

In the normal world, the problems that Madison have where it's like, 'Hey, we might be getting engaged next week, I don't want you sleeping with other girls the week before we get engaged,' that is normal. In The Bachelor Cinematic Universe, you know what you signed up for. What are we doing here?

George Clooney is a college-level athlete

So Clooney's very, very good. He's college-level athlete. Full college level... [Clooney] was a great baseball player, like college-level baseball recruited for baseball and he really knows how basketball works. Like he knows how to do a pick-and-roll. He understands basketball.

Woody Harrelson has legitimate basketball hops

I thought I could beat Woody... and he destroyed me, man. He was up at the hoop. He could really get right to the hoop... Woody has hops. Yes.

Justin Bieber's 'too bad' DM to Ria on Valentine's Day was a 'flirty' response.

He just like it was in one of those Twitter moments... and her tweet was in there... so he said what do you say to her? Too bad. Too bad. That's a little flirty.

Top Gun: Maverick is a five-ball movie

[How many balls would you give Top Gun 2?] Five. [So you do know the system.] Yeah, yeah, yeah.