Takes

Tim Howard is the greatest male U.S. soccer player of all time

I would say the greatest, the greatest male U.S. soccer player. Landon Donovan, Cobi Jones, Alexi Lalas, Dempsey, Dempsey, Freddie Adu. That's it. That's the list.

I am officially retiring from professional soccer after the 2019 season

I'm retiring after this year. [Big Cat: Have you said that?] Yeah.

The USWNT vs France matchup is essentially the World Cup Final

But this is, I'm going to call it, this is the World Cup on Friday [France versus U.S.]. Whoever wins this match [wins it all].

VAR is ruining soccer and we should go back to just complaining about refs

My other fire fest... is robots. Especially VAR robots in the World Cup, in the Women's World Cup. It's ruining soccer. It is absolutely ruining it. I'm actually the mindset that I'm out on instant replay across the board. I think we've gone too far. Fuck the robots. We need to complain about refs.

The awarding of the World Cup to Qatar was definitely not above board

The former president of FIFA was arrested because it turns out the awarding of the World Cup to Qatar or Qatar may not have been above board. Oh, you think? No doy.

The USWNT should run up the score in World Cup group play because goal differential is the first tiebreaker

The first tiebreaker is goal differential. So if we lose to Chile by 15 goals, then we're fucked. It's just good that we scored a Baker's dozen [against Thailand].

Sweden will be the toughest opponent in the USWNT World Cup group

Sweden, they actually usually... that's who knocked us out when we were in the Olympics. So I would say that they're gonna be they're probably gonna be the toughest one.

Alexi Lalas has the most smug face in national sports media

Alexi Lalas looking like a smug prick on national television. It's Alexi Lalas season, and that means that he gets to stare into the camera after every single game looking smugly like he kidnapped your dog... He's back in a bit. He's got the most smug face, I think, on national sports media these days.

The US Men's National Team future looks bleak after their Under-20 World Cup performance

We got our asses kicked in the under-20 World Cup. The future's not here. Not here for the men.

FIFA is the one organization out there that knows how to handle their shit.

If there's one organization out there that knows how to handle their shit, it's FIFA. This is like number 100 on their list right now of things to take care of right behind building stadiums that look like vaginas using slave labor.

I prefer watching women's soccer over men's soccer because the U.S. actually wins.

I actually like watching women's soccer better than men's soccer because we actually win in women's soccer.

I honestly thought I could be a Premier League goalie with one year of training

I swore I could be a Premier League goalie. And she's [my girlfriend, Kealia Ohai] a soccer player. So I was like, give me one year to train. I think I can do it. So she goes, okay, come to the field... She smoked a ball past my face so fucking fast. And I was like, no chance. You can give me five years to train. No chance.

The Premier League is the most appeasing thing to watch in the morning because the green pitch lulls you like the Masters

The Premier League, part of the reason why people like watching it... it's very appeasing in the morning on a Saturday or Sunday. The pitch is so green, and it just kind of lulls you. It's like almost watching the Masters. It is a very nice, easy way to start the day.

If J.J. Watt had played rugby, he would be the greatest player ever and the U.S. would have won gold

If you had dedicated yourself to rugby when you were in high school, you would probably be the best rugby player in the history of the game, by far. And the U.S. probably would have won a gold medal.

The United States is on its longest World Cup unbeaten streak since the Reagan administration

This is the longest World Cup unbeaten streak that we're on right now since the Reagan administration. It's been over four years since the United States has lost a World Cup game.

The US will win the World Cup in 25 years because Cristiano Ronaldo's son is an American citizen

Cristiano Ronaldo's son is now playing for Juventus under nine. And he was born in San Diego, so he's an American citizen. He's like the Johnny Appleseed for the future of U.S. soccer. We just need Cristiano Ronaldo to impregnate just as many women as possible... in America.

France winning the World Cup avenged the 'curse of Zidane'

They avenge the curse of Zidane. The curse that I just invented right now has been put away in the closet, never to be mentioned again.

The World Cup is the best tournament to win because you're the champion for four years

The World Cup is the best tournament to win because you get to be champion for four years. That's pretty fucking sweet.

Harry Kane's Golden Boot was unimpressive due to the quality of his goals

Harry Kane spits when he talks, scored like half his goals from PKs and kicking it in from two feet out. He won the golden boot.

The hardest thing to do in football is to keep it simple

The hardest thing in football to do is to keep it simple, play simple and it possibly is one of the most effective things. So I actually kept it very simple today and created chances for my teammates.

Lionel Messi is the greatest soccer player of all time, better than Cristiano Ronaldo

Ronaldo versus Messi. Who's better? [Rooney:] Messi. Yeah, I think I've said it before, but they're both probably the best players ever to play the game. And I just think Messi is... In my eyes, the greatest ever.

Soccer is the greatest sport ever created

What's something that the casual fan doesn't understand about the sport? [Rooney:] For me, it's the greatest sport ever created.

France will win the 2018 World Cup Final

I'm going to go with France as well. Mbappé is 19.

Croatia will win the 2018 World Cup because of the 'presence of smoke'

Taking Croatia because their presence of smoke.

The US not making the 2018 World Cup was the best thing for soccer in America

The U.S. not making this World Cup is actually the best thing that has ever happened for soccer in America... with the U.S. removed, you watch this World Cup... and people got to enjoy soccer for soccer and not worry about, are we good enough? Is the U.S. up there with them? They just got to enjoy the game.

Neymar's flopping is actually a profile in courage and bravery

I think it's so harsh on Neymar. I mean, I see him as a profiling courage and bravery. I just see the pain, the agony, I mean, just the savage damage that is done to his body... he loses limbs in the game... Neymar gets up when he's broken, had his leg broken, and he says, don't worry, lads, I'm going to brush this off.

France's young team might be too inexperienced to win the World Cup right now

France is actually... They're talking about possible dynasty. Well, so France... They haven't won anything. It might be too soon for these kids. The moment might be too big for them. They don't have the experience.

Croatia will beat England in the World Cup semi-final

England has a lot of experience in losing big games. I kind of like them to lose this one to Croatia. I like how scraggly the Croatian players are. They just have that element of a little bit of slime to them... I just think Croatia is going to be a little bit too slimy for the Brits to grab onto.

Cristiano Ronaldo to Juventus is a good fit because Serie A is all about defense

I think it's a good fit. You don't score goals in Serie A... In Italy, it's just all about defense. So if he gets his one free kick a game, then his team's probably going pretty good.

Juergen Klinsmann is a worse coach than the man who led the Thai kids into a cave

I think it was pretty astute that Juergen Klinsmann is a worse soccer coach than the guy that led them down into that predicament in the first place.

The 2022 World Cup will be the 'fall of sports' due to the overlap with the NFL season

I'm calling it right now. It's going to be the fall of sports. It's going to be nonstop sports all the time.

FIFA is on my shit list for scheduling the World Cup during football season

I love soccer, but if you make me choose between football and soccer, it's a no-brainer. So this is... You fucked up, FIFA. You're now on my shit list. The slave labor, the blatant corruption, the bribes—I can look past that. Going up against football, uh-uh. Protect the shield. You're out in my book.

Uruguay and Argentina will advance in the World Cup

I'm going to go Uruguay and Argentina [to win their knockout games].

Russia will defeat Spain in the World Cup knockout stage

On Sunday it is España versus Russia... Russia for sure.

Brazil will dominate Mexico in their World Cup match

I'm on the record as being a Mexico fan, but I think that Brazil is going to knock the shit out of [Mexico].

Soccer should replace on-field referees with booth cameras

One of the entities are proposing having cameras everywhere and having people up in the booth instead of the referees... making the initial call. They make all the calls... and they don't have a need for a referee at all.

Messi is the GOAT

[Speaker 0] (3:25-3:27) And Messi is the GOAT.

The Messi vs. Ronaldo debate is more contentious than LeBron vs. Jordan because they play at the same time

This debate [Messi vs. Ronaldo] I would say is like a little bit more contentious actually. Because they're playing at the same time. And they play against each other sometimes. So I don't like that as much as the hypothetical debates, because you can twist all the facts around.

Germany will score a billion goals against South Korea and advance in the World Cup

Germany, of course, is going to advance. They're going to score a billion goals against whichever team they're playing... South Korea? They'll score a million goals. Germany will advance.

Soccer players are frauds and the sport isn't that difficult to play

Soccer players are frauds. I don't think that it's that difficult to play soccer.

Harry Kane is a 'fraud' because he only scores tap-ins and penalties

Harry Kane, still a bust in my mind [because] he just only scores from like two feet out. He basically didn't even have to [try for the hat trick]. He just showed up, and I could have gotten that hat trick. I just need to hit two penalty shots.

Russia is definitely doping and FIFA is choosing to ignore it

Russia's doping and FIFA doesn't care. There's a report that came out that basically the entire team doped in 2014, the entire team's doping now, and FIFA has actually gotten the documents and been like, eh, we'll just let this one slide.

Lionel Messi is dead

Messi's dead. Messi is dead. Dunzo. Listen, it's a team sport. Go back to Argentina, Messi. Okay? It's a team sport. Argentina stinks. Messi's great. Yeah.

Russia is a wagon in the 2018 World Cup

Russia is a wagon. Russia is really, really good when they're playing against the world's 70th ranked teams. They don't play down to their opponents.

Argentina might be better at the World Cup without Lionel Messi

I think that Argentina might be better without Messi now. The whole team, they're in the win-win-for-Messi mode. And it weighs on their shoulders. Too much pressure.

Mo Salah is not elite yet because he needs to perform at a high level for more than one year

[Mo Salah] is a remarkable human being... But you look at your American sports. You look at gentlemen who have an explosive year... Brady Anderson... you've got to bring it for more than one year to pass the Brady Andersonometer.

Messi is the greatest footballer ever, better than Cristiano Ronaldo

I am always Team Messi. Always. Messi is the greatest footballer I have ever seen in my life for so many different reasons.

Cristiano Ronaldo is the Mike Tolbert of soccer because he just poaches goals from one yard out

He just runs it in from one yard out. The team gets all the way down, and they're like, all right, go ahead. Give it to the fat guy. He'll run it in. That's Ronaldo.

LeBron James would have been the greatest soccer player ever if he played as a kid

If [LeBron James] played when he was a little kid, would he be the best ever? ... Muggsy Bogues could have been our Lionel Messi. Five foot six, innocuous looking, incredibly coordinated.

France and Belgium are fantasy football teams with too much talent and questionable coaching

[Belgium and France] are remarkable talent-wise. You look at that roster, it's like a murderer's row. ... what neither of them have is a true idea of how they want to play football. It's a Premier League kind of Pro Bowl team.