Takes

Nathan Peterman will beat the Chicago Bears

Big Cat is on the hot seat... because your Chicago Bears have to play against Nathan Peterman on Sunday. Peterman's back... Nathan Peterman hasn't played his best game yet. And I know that because he wouldn't still be on the roster if he was that bad.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future and will surpass baseball

My cool throne is lacrosse... My other hot seat could have been baseball because lacrosse is coming for that America's Pastime, sport of the future. Premier Lacrosse League was announced. TV deal... This sounds like a real dud. No, this is going to be great.

Ben Roethlisberger has used a computer less than ten times in his life

I'll say it right now. Since the day he left college, Ben Roethlisberger has sat in front of a computer less than ten times.

Marshawn Lynch is faking his injury because he doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden

Marshawn Lynch is out... He's out with an injured groin is the explanation they gave. I don't think that Marshawn Lynch is capable of having his groin injured... I think he doesn't like Jon Gruden. He doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden to do a car.

Jason Garrett will definitely be fired this year

I think that... This is absolutely the year that he [Jason Garrett] gets fired. He's going to lose to the Giants on Sunday night, by the way.

If you don't like mayonnaise, you are probably homophobic and misogynistic

If you don't like mayo, you're actually, well, and also, you're probably kind of homophobic and a little misogynistic. Because you're just like, your masculinity is threatened by having this creamy, delicious spread just down your throat.

Tom Brady will run for office in Massachusetts as a Democrat after he retires

I think that Tom Brady is going to run for office in Massachusetts after he's done playing football. And to win in Massachusetts when you're running for office, you typically have to be a Democrat. And Tom Brady has gone from having the Make America Great Again hat in his locker to now he's liking Colin Kaepernick's Instagram posts for the new ad campaign.

Tom Brady shipped Jimmy Garoppolo to San Francisco because he was a Republican

I think he shipped Jimmy Garoppolo out to San Francisco because Jimmy G was a Republican. And he didn't like having a Republican as his teammate. So he's like, I'm going to send you out to hang out with all the libs out in San Francisco.

The Chiefs' new parking lot policy is the beginning of the end for tailgating

The Chiefs have started a new policy where after the game starts, they're just going to start kicking people out of the parking lot. I feel like it could just be the beginning of the end... They're going to slowly outlaw tailgates.

Duke basketball is entering a major championship window because of Zion Williamson

My cool throne is Duke basketball. So they're back. Zion Williamson, my guy. 6'10", 320 pounds... Dunked from the free throw line. Kyrie, Jason Tatum about to take over for the Celtics. So it's going to be a big, big window for Duke basketball.

Swag Kelly is the most talented quarterback on the Denver Broncos roster

Billy Football first reported that [Swag Kelly] is the most talented quarterback on that roster. Yes. And I love kind of the wildcard-ness that Swag brings. His name's Swag Kelly. He is the epitome of a wildcard.

Facebook is officially done as a relevant company

I'm calling my shot. I'm going to put the PFT death stake is going into Facebook right now. Wow. They're done. Have you been on Facebook recently? No. It's trash... it's all ants, trolls, and ants.

I am the person who introduced the French Levi's shirt fashion trend to the United States

I noticed, not to brag, I was over in France... everybody wears this Levi's shirt. It's like a really big fashion thing. And so it's going to come over to the U.S., and I'm calling my shot. I'm going to be the first one in the U.S. to start wearing it. So then when you see all these famous people wear it, be like, yo, PFT actually introduced that to the United States.

The Cleveland Cavaliers will make the playoffs as a 7 or 8 seed this year without LeBron James

I think the Cavs are going to make the playoffs. That's my hot take. I think they're going to be like a 7 or an 8 seed.

Yadier Molina will be the next player-manager for the St. Louis Cardinals.

Yadier's going to be the new player manager. That's what my sources are telling me.

Paul George is going to sign with the Lakers

[Speaker 3] (25:30-25:31) My cool throne is the Lakers. [Speaker 3] (25:34-25:38) And Paul George is going to L.A. to take a meeting. [Speaker 3] (27:55-27:58) Yeah, I think Paul George is going to L.A.

Real dinosaurs will be recreated within five years

A famed paleontologist, Dr. Jack Horner... came out and said that we're only five years from actually recreating real dinosaurs. Using chickens.

The Cubs should throw at the Pirates for failing to throw at Anthony Rizzo

The Pirates neglected to enforce an unwritten rule, meaning the Cubs should actually throw at the Pirates today to make them respect the unwritten rule of throwing at Rizzo.

Lauri Markkanen will average 50 points per game by his eighth season

Dirk's peak was 26 points per game. If you do the math, by Lauri's eighth season, he's going to be averaging 50 points a game.

Indiana basketball is back because they signed Romeo Langford

My cool throne is Indiana basketball. So they signed Romeo Langford, the number one recruit in the nation. His minister said that Romeo is like Abraham Lincoln. So, I mean, it's going to be huge.

LeBron James will lose to the Pacers in the first round of the 2018 playoffs

Not only is [LeBron James] about to lose to the Pacers in the first round, which will be embarrassing for him... Probably not.

The NFL should fine quarterbacks for receiver head injuries if the pass leads them into danger

Micah Hyde... came up with a new idea that actually makes a lot of sense about finding players for helmet-to-helmet hits. He thinks that quarterbacks should be fined for their receivers getting hit in the head if the quarterback leads them into danger. I don't hate it.

Scott Frost will build an 11-win team at Nebraska

We're going to walk into Nebraska and Scott Frost is going to build an 11-win team. And I'm going to be very, very upset about it.

The fact that Andrew Luck isn't healthy proves that books are officially junk science

He says that he's been reading a lot as part of his rehab. Nerd. So he's been reading a lot of books and nurturing himself with literature. The fact that he hasn't gotten better means that books are officially junk science, right? If that's his treatment course.

Mark Zuckerberg failed his mission to look human and is definitely a robot

If Mark Zuckerberg's sole attempt was to try to persuade people that he's not a bad guy who is stealing all of our data and our brains, he failed terribly. Because he looked like a robot. He had a terrible suit. He had a bowl cut. His eyes were huge. He just looked exactly like I would expect a robot to look who was put in front of Congress.

The Yodeling Walmart Boy will eventually be found to be problematic

The yodeling Walmart boy. At some point, he's going to be problematic, right? ... I've seen this story play out on the internet enough. Someone in his family has a Confederate flag Facebook profile, and everyone's going to turn on him and be like, man, this kid is problematic.

Duke will win the 2019 national championship with Zion Williamson

2019 Duke national champions. No even reason to play the season. You can just mark it down right now. Duke is winning the title next year.

Butler is doomed in the tournament because live animals aren't allowed in the stadium

In the first two rounds of this tournament, there will be zero live animals allowed into the buildings. So there are going to be tons of teams that don't have their live bulldog mascots. Butler's fucked.

Limiting pass interference penalties to 15 yards will cause receivers to be 'mugged' downfield

It's going to be like the purge for the Seahawks receivers more than 15 yards downfield. ... the NFL is going to create a new law that's going to have like a million unintended consequences to it.

I want to take out high interest loans to invest in Steven Seagal's Bitcoin 2Gen

I don't want to overreact, but I want to take out some high interest loans just so I can invest them in Steven Seagal's Bitcoin [2Gen]. That's how confident I am in this.

Nebraska is back because Scott Frost is hospitalizing players with Rabdo

Nebraska is back. Nebraska is back in a very, very big way. Scott Frost just implemented his conditioning program at Nebraska. And he got two players were hospitalized... with Rabdo, which means they're building up some muscles out there. That's a culture change.

The Rockets will take down the Warriors if they get hot at the right time

James Harden dropped a 60-point triple-double... So I am officially saying, as of this date, January 31st, I'm a believer that the Rockets, if they get hot for a couple games... they're going to take down the Warriors.

Dirk Nowitzki is just a poor man's Laurie Markkanen

Fastest player in history to 103 pointers, Laurie Markkanen, the Finn Reaper... I actually think it's reversed now. Dirk is just a junkyard Laurie. He's a poor man's [Markkanen].

Ben McAdoo is a perfect hire for the Cleveland Browns coaching staff

The Cleveland Browns are officially back because they look like they're going to hire Ben McAdoo, offensive coordinator. I can't think of a better move than the guy who basically made every wrong decision in New York... You're going to fit in perfectly, Ben.

Rodrigo Blankenship will be a third-round pick because he wears glasses

Rodrigo [Blankenship] understands more than most that if you just have a thing as a college athlete you skyrocket your draft appeal. So if he didn't have those glasses, he probably would be maybe a sixth, seventh round pick. He's probably going in the third round because he's the kicker with the glasses.

James Harrison is a double agent sent by the Steelers to infiltrate the Patriots

I almost think that he's a double agent, that the Steelers sent him in there... To give fake play calls... James Harrison was saying he was so pissed off at Mike Tomlin... It's like that episode of Homeland where Carrie testified that she hated the CIA and then she went to a mental institution.

Giving Sean McVay credit for the Rams is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae; it's Jeff Fisher's squad

Giving Sean McVay credit for this team is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae. This is Jeff Fisher's squad. This is his team. He invented this team.

I am giving up masturbation to get an edge for my upcoming fight

I've decided to give up masturbation. So for those who don't know, Hank is actually fighting. It's a real fight, Rough N Rowdy. December 15th. I need every edge I can get.

Bitcoin is the future and will replace physical money

You think that the dollar bill's in your pocket right now? You think they're going to last forever? You think money's going to last forever? Okay, so Bitcoin's the future, baby. There's not going to be money in the future. There's going to be Bitcoin.

The Celtics have officially overtaken the Patriots as the heart of Boston

My hot seat is the New England Patriots. They're no longer the best team in Boston anymore. The Celtics have won 14 straight. They've captured the heart of the city.

The Cleveland Browns will run the table and make the playoffs

Cleveland Browns are still very much alive to make the playoffs. They run the table. They don't control their own destiny, though. Hey, Cleveland Browns fans, R-E-L-A-X. You're going to run the table. You'll be fine.

The FBI is investigating Duke basketball

I've heard that the FBI is snooping around, sniffing around Duke.

Philadelphia can't have nice things, so the Eagles' success will eventually fall apart

My hot seat is the Eagles. And this is quick... It just seems like it's too good right now. And Philadelphia can't have nice things.

Joel Embiid is a bad contract because his knees won't let him play

They just paid Joel Embiid like $150 million, even though his knees are terrible and he's probably not going to play.

Eli Manning might get traded to the Jaguars to reunite with Tom Coughlin

Do you hear this one about Eli Manning maybe getting traded to the Jaguars? Because Tom Coughlin. Think about it.

The 'Golden Age' of podcasts is over now that people are making wedding planning podcasts

The couple that met because one was a fan of his podcast and then they're getting married and they're creating a podcast together about going through the wedding planning. That right there is like if you could think of the most stereotypical podcast podcast. It is over, boys. It is all done.

The Titans signing Brandon Weeden creates a quarterback controversy in Tennessee

I have Marcus Mariota. So speaking of letting a bull into a China shop, the Titans signed Brandon Weeden. So that is a QB controversy in the waiting. I love it.

Khloe Kardashian lied about being pregnant just because she was jealous of Kylie's announcement

Khloe is super, super old and has been trying to get pregnant for a long time. I think she was so mad that Kylie announced she got pregnant, she just said she went too.

NFL ratings are down because players aren't sleeping with Kardashians anymore

Do you think that's why NBA ratings are up and NFL is down because none of the NFL players are sleeping with the Kardashians?

Tony Romo is driving NFL ratings down by spoiling the games

I think he's driving the ratings down because you're not going to go... People turn off the TV right as he says [the play]. They know what's going to happen. It's like right when Napster came out, people stopped going to the record store and buying CDs. Why would you buy the cow if you can get the milk for free from Tony?