Takes

Winning a championship can fundamentally change a fan's entire outlook on life for months

The high of a championship... if your team wins a championship, it honestly can change your whole outlook. You buzz for weeks, months, going into next year. You just feel better, you feel happier.

Establishing the run game is the foundation of all football success

Mine [Mount Rushmore] is establishing the run game. Love when a team establishes the run game. Just run, run, run, run, run. Because then you get that play-action pass and the cameraman misses. It opens things up. ... Everything starts with establishing the run. That's just a fact.

The first game of the World Cup is the only one everyone genuinely gets up for

That's the one soccer game that everybody gets up for is the first one. And then after that, the novelty kind of dies off. I would say that the championship game is a little bit more fatigue. So, like, everyone's had a month of soccer already. If they're not one of your two teams in the finals, you're like, eh, I can take it or leave it.

Pringles and frozen yogurt bars are elite munchies

I'm going to go Pringles... I'm going to go with... frozen yogurt. That whole like when you go to the frozen yogurt bar and you get everything. It's just the stuff you put on top of it. My picks are candy, Pringles, and water.

Stuffing is the greatest thing in the world

I'm going stuffing. I fucking love stuffing. Stuffing is the greatest thing in the world. Why don't we eat stuffing every day? Make the turkey out of the stuffing. It's so good.

Men should cover up their legs and never wear shorts

Hot take. The once and future king of Mount Rushmore season, shorts. Cool take. I kind of hate shorts. I think men should cover up their legs.

A solo hungover Chinese food order must be at least $75

If you order Chinese food by yourself, by the way, when you're hungover and you are under $75, you're doing it wrong. Because what you need to do when you're hungover and you're ordering Chinese food is you order every single thing that you might just want a little taste of.

Ice cream is the most efficient way to cool your core down during a hangover

I'm going to go with just ice cream because it's so easy. You don't have to worry about chewing it... it cools your core down when you get that hangover where you're dehydrated and you have that lava core. You're sitting on your couch sweating, but if you have the ice cream, it cools you down more efficiently than anything else could.

Time travel is impossible because if it were, people from the future would have already visited us by now

I am [giving up on time travel]. Because if time travel was possible, then people from the past would have already visited us... and people from the future would have come back and visited us.

I have officially given up on the dream of ever being cool

My last one... just being cool... I'm never going to be cool... It's too much work to be cool, so I'm just gonna not be cool.

Laughter is a universal language that predates spoken word.

How is how does everyone have laugh and as like the universal, like we're having fun. ... You speak Portuguese, you speak, you know, whatever, Taiwanese or whatever, but you both laugh when you're having fun? ... I think laughter came before language, I believe.

I would give away five to ten years of my life to guarantee Wi-Fi on every plane flight.

Nothing worse in the world than being on a plane with no Wi-Fi and no TVs. I would give away five to ten years of my life to make sure that I had Wi-Fi on a plane all the time.

Oatmeal raisin is the number one cookie of all time

Number one of all cookies ever is oatmeal raisin cookies. I love the texture of oatmeal and cookies. I think it adds something to the texture that I like.

Oatmeal raisin is a trash-ass cookie

Because that's a trash-ass cookie. That's a trash ass cookie. Oatmeal raisin is not a Mount Rushmore cookies cookie.

Bird watching is a fraudulent community because sightings are impossible to verify

What's to stop people from saying, yeah, hey, I saw that bird? Like you can lie and say that you're the best birder of all time. ... We're the Rachel Dolezals of the bird community.

The Stanford Tree is a top-tier college mascot because it promotes environmentalism

I've got the Stanford tree. ... What, are you anti-green? Are you pro-global warming? Without trees, you would die. You'd suffocate. So you should be on your knees thanking the Stanford tree every day.

Artie the Fighting Artichoke is one of the best mascots in college sports

My number one is Artie, the Fighting Artichoke. Down in Scottsdale Community College. ... It's a great mascot. ... No brainer.

A tucked-in t-shirt is the foundational element of 'dad fashion'

One that we missed that I should have said... just tucked in t-shirts. Just getting a t-shirt and tucking it in for no fucking reason.

The NBA is rigged and a deep dive would reveal several fixed outcomes

My number four [30 for 30]... was just the NBA being rigged. I would like a whole deep dive. [I'd like to know] the frozen envelope. I'd like to know if [David] Stern actually suspended MJ for gambling... LeBron winning his first ring. I'd like to know that Lakers-Kings game [with Tim Donaghy].

Break up with your significant other before starting freshman year of college

My first is don't ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend your freshman year of college. Good one. That's breakup time. Yep. ... always break up that first year. You can always get back together if you want to. Long distance.

Never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback

My next one is going to be never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback. What's he trying to hide? That's a good one. You want a guy that's leading for your teammates out there. What is he trying to hide?

Always Google a question to see if the internet can answer it before asking another person.

Before you ask a question to someone, just Google it first and see if Google can answer that question because that can save you a lot of trouble. It can save a lot of people coming at your neck.

Always bet on home dogs in college sports and never bet the under

Always bet on home dogs in college football and basketball. Also, it goes without saying, but never bet the under. You don't want to be that fucking. I'd rather lose a million bets betting the over than win one betting the under.

Cheap things are cheap for a reason; never buy cheap furniture because it will break immediately.

My last one is cheap things are cheap for a reason. ... Maybe when you get a little money out of college, you're like, oh, I'll just buy these cheap clothes or I'll buy this cheap bed. It's going to break. If you buy the cheap furniture, it will break very quickly. So maybe buy the more expensive stuff. Trust me, cheap things are cheap for a reason.

Never congratulate a woman on being pregnant

Never, ever congratulate a woman on being pregnant. Oh, yeah. Never. And don't touch the belly. I don't care if she's got a bracelet on and she's in the hospital. Never congratulate you. Because you're going to be wrong. You might be right 99 times. You'll be wrong. Guess what? The people that you say, hey, congrats on being pregnant to, they're not going to give a shit. The one person that you mess up on, that's going to haunt you.

The Detroit Pistons 90s horse logo jersey is one of the worst ever

My number one was the Pistons throwback. Remember when the Pistons changed their logo in the 90s? The green and yellow and red horse. The worst jersey criteria is when the original jersey was great and the original logo was great. They're like, we're just going to make everything weird colors.

The Phoenix Coyotes 90s jersey is the worst of all time

And then my four is probably the worst jersey of all time, the Phoenix Coyotes. You remember that one? That was awful. That was the most disgusting jersey I've ever seen in my life.

The New England Patriots current jerseys are awful

I'm going to go with the Patriots jersey... No offense, Hank, but I think the Patriots, for being such a great team, have had awful jerseys for the last 20 years.

Yellow jerseys are disgusting and make for a bad viewing experience

My number two is the Nashville Predators. I just hate yellow. I hate when they're playing games and their whole arena is yellow. It just looks disgusting.

Mark Zuckerberg wears the same clothes every day as a 'nerd shield'

My number one [nerd] is Mark Zuckerberg. Big time nerd. You know he's a nerd for a lot of reasons, but the fact that he just can't ever stop wearing the same clothes, he's just like, that's his defense mechanism. It's a little shield. Nerd shield.

Using an Android phone makes you a huge nerd compared to using an iPhone

He's not an iPhone guy. That's a huge nerd. Huge nerd. Like, well, all of China doesn't use an iPhone. They use Androids. Actually, the Android operating system is superior. It moves faster. I don't care that I make all my friends hate me because they have to text in green bubbles.

Jar Jar Binks is actually the ultimate Sith Lord

Jar Jar Binks is actually the ultimate Sith Lord.

Everyone who watches Game of Thrones is a nerd

Everyone that watches Game of Thrones. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Did you hear about Game of Thrones? Yeah. Do you want me to tell you? I've been reading spoilers.

Honey Nut Cheerios are the greatest cereal of all time

I've got a great value pick at number two: Honey Nut Cheerios. I think they're the goat. I'm just gonna say that... you forget the bee puts his honey in there for you.

Froot Loops are the superior cereal to Apple Jacks because Apple Jacks taste like pink snot

Apple Jacks and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you can't eat like many, many bowls... they taste like pink snot. It's gross. Fruit Loops are superior Apple Jacks that look exactly the same.

Apple Jacks milk is the best leftover cereal milk on the list

Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Apple Jacks are both not only good cereals, but the milk in the cereal bowl after the cereal's gone is better than any other cereal on the list.

Mitchell Trubisky should start immediately rather than sitting

Normally, you want to sit a rookie quarterback if he needs to fix his footwork or fix his throwing motion... But Trubisky's got good feet. He reacts to pressure well... I would play him so he can learn. He's got good accuracy. He's a good athlete. He's really poised. He can go through reads. And I'd happily take him as a starter.

Curling is chess on ice and is a perfect mix of brain and brawn

It's chess on ice. It's a perfect mix of brain and brawn, and yeah, it's fantastic. The sweeping is incredibly taxing.

Owning a dog and having a child are essentially the same thing

Owning a dog and a kid, same thing. Yeah, for example, sometimes my dog, he sleeps in really, really late, and I have to wake him up to take him outside to use the restroom.

99% of office meetings could be solved with a text thread

I would say that 99% of meetings in general could just be solved with a text thread.

Meditating is a top-four way to cool down in the summer

My last one is just meditating. Meditate... when I said meditating, I meant cool down like when you get hot in an argument. Like when you ever get in a really big argument. You need to take a deep breath.

Laying on the bathroom floor is the greatest feeling when you have the spins

This is actually more for when you have the spins, but it still is the greatest thing in the world. Just laying down on the bathroom floor... There's actually no better feeling in the world. It's great. When you're hot, when you're drunk, when you have the spins.

Zing Zang is the only acceptable Bloody Mary mix

The things I hate the most about bars, number one, when they make their own Bloody Mary mix instead of using Zing Zang. Because Zing Zang... It's the perfected Bloody Mary mix. There's no topping it. It's perfect all around.

Bar farters are a major societal problem

Number one, I have a longstanding issue with it. Bar farters, anyone who farts in a bar, because they know they have the masses to hide behind. I think it's bullshit when you're walking through a bar and boom, it smells like someone just took a shit on the floor.

If a bar offers wings on the menu, they are obligated to provide wet naps

No wet naps when you have wings on the menu. That's another big one. Need that.

The best way to enjoy a boat is to have a close friend who owns one rather than owning it yourself

My number three is having a friend with a boat but not actually owning one yourself. So you never want to be the guy with the boat. You want to be the guy that's got a good friend. They'll take you out, and if you throw them some fuel money, you're good.

The best way to enjoy a lake is to float in the middle with a life jacket and five beers

I like to just put on a life jacket and just sit in the middle of the lake and just drink beers, drink like five beers while I pee and just do nothing else. So you just sit there. It's great. You get all your friends just sitting there doing nothing.

Mike Krzyzewski and Bill Belichick are the two best coaches of this generation in any sport

Would you guys agree that in any sport, take all the major sports, is there a better coach in our generation than Coach K? Belichick, Krzyzewski. I don't know if you get any better than that.

Nick Saban's resting heart rate is just 'angry'

Nick Saban, because Nick Saban, he's like a volcano that only erupts every now and then. But when it does, and Nick Saban, you get the added bonus where he yells at his coaches... His resting heart rate is angry.

60s and 70s rock was specifically made to be listened to in a car on the highway

Bands in the late 60s and 70s made all of their music so that it sounded beautiful in a car going 75 miles on the highway.