Takes

James Dolan getting involved again will ruin the Knicks

This would make me nervous as a Knicks fan because James Dolan, they're like little run here where they've gotten back to being a good team. Feels like James Dolan took a step back. Now he's maybe taking a step back forward and he's a shithead owner that will ruin something.

The reports of Bill Belichick's engagement to Jordon Hudson are fake news

I will wait until you know, Ms. Hudson and, and Mr. Belichick report this themselves. I do not believe, you know, the New York Times, fake news media. This is just a report as far as I'm concerned. ... I don't think Bill knows.

Rory McIlroy taking a fan's phone during a practice round is incredibly soft

Rory McIlroy is the worst... he goes and takes the guy's phone and just starts walking off with him... That's soft. Hey. Yeah. It's, it's soft. That's insanely soft. Like what do, it's a practice round.

Allowing private equity investment in NFL teams will make the league 10% worse.

The NFL is considering approving private equity investment in teams... It means it's gonna suck. The league is gonna get 10% worse because private equity, they're gonna come in and they're just gonna try to figure out how to streamline everything. They're gonna fire all the mascots.

The Chiefs are guaranteed to win the Super Bowl now that they have cut Kadarius Toney.

Kadarius Toney has been cut. Oh no. Yeah. So the Chiefs just became Super Bowl champs. This is also very bad news for anybody that's playing against the Chiefs because Kadarius Toney was one of your better players if you were playing against the Chiefs last year. Just by him no longer being on the Chiefs, what was his WAR? It was probably like minus two last year.

Caitlin Clark might be secretly relieved to be left off the Olympic team

I think Caitlin Clark might have been a little bit relieved because she probably wouldn't have played that much. And she finally gets a little bit of a break from the take machine... she's been going since the college season... she finally gets a break.

Dan Hurley's interest in the Lakers job was a calculated move to get a raise from UConn

This is a dream scenario for Dan Hurley if he was just trying to get a raise. Knowledge that your AD's back at home... I gotta double the check now. Of course if he does go back to UConn and that was the plan all along, of course you're gonna say, yeah, I'm very interested in this Lakers job.

There is zero chance Dan Hurley leaves UConn for the Lakers

There's zero chance he goes to the Lakers. The hype video tomorrow is going to be a crazy 'I'm not fucking leaving'. He's a man of theater and he's very good at it.

I'm counting Anthony Edwards' dunk over John Collins as a real dunk even if the ball left his hand early

Was that a dunk? So all those dunks always inspiring. Yeah. When you, when you like zoom in, you're like, did the ball leave his hand beforehand, didn't touch the rim? I'm counting it as a dunk. Just 'cause I like cool sports moments like that where the world stopped to be like, did you see what Anthony Edwards just did?

The NFL is literally rigged for money and views

NFL is rigged for views for money. Yeah. It is... They literally changed the rule book to make offense better. Correct? Yes. It is, it is rigged for money.

Tiger Woods could still win one more major despite his ankle surgery

Even after I just said that it felt dirty and it's like, I'm actually already back to maybe he could win one more because he is Tiger Woods... I'm going to erase my retroactive take and then stick with my original take that he could win one more.

I am paying for Twitter Blue because I earned my checkmark as a journalist and don't want to lose it

I have no shame in paying for it because I earned it. We have the slogan of flags fly forever. I earned my check mark a few years ago, so I'm not just gonna let someone take away from it. I grew up on Twitter hoping to have a blue check mark and one day I got it. So like, here we go. I'm keeping it.

The Wisconsin head coaching job is better than the Nebraska job

I think I would rather, I would rather take the Wisconsin job than the Nebraska job. Nebraska fans will get very upset, but I agree. Nebraska feels like it's the entire job is poisoned... Really the only way that you can possibly succeed at Nebraska is to do what Bo Pelini did... which is to just make everybody in town hate you.

Clemson at 16-to-1 is a great value bet to make the College Football Playoff

A future that I had my eyes on: Clemson at 16 to one to win the national title. I don't think they're gonna win the national title. I think they're gonna be in the playoff though. I think Clemson is sneaky a little bit back. DJ Uiagalelei is playing well... they've played the two toughest teams in Wake Forest and NC State and the ACC.

Georgia's recent performance suggests they aren't the juggernaut people thought

Did we get a little bit duped by Georgia's dominance? Because we watched that 49 to three game against Oregon week one... and we're like, this team is insane. And I think they're obviously still very, very good. But the last two... games in a row where they've played down to their competition severely. Makes you start to say, Huh, maybe this isn't like the juggernaut we all thought it would be.

James Madison University will be ranked in the Top 25 if they are undefeated heading into the Marshall game

They should be wins [Arkansas State/Georgia State]. And then they got Marshall at home. They will be ranked at least 23 if they go into that game... It's pretty crazy the fact that they, this is their first year as a big boy program and they're undefeated.

Chris Paul's performance in Game 7 against the Mavericks was a 'legacy game'

Chris Paul had a major, major legacy post... He had like 10 points in that game seven where they lost by 70. That was a legacy game.

Bryson DeChambeau is acting like an eight-year-old by blaming his equipment for his poor play

Bryson DeChambeau though... he's having trouble with his driver. And afterwards he said... 'the driver sucks.' [Cobra's rep] said it's like an eight-year-old that gets mad at you. They might fly off the handle and say, I hate you, but then you go, whoa, no, you don't. We know as adults that they really don't mean that.

I would only take a few hours of hanging out with Billy Football before I'd want to kill him

Remember that when you were a kid and you'd have like one sleepover with your best friend... it was the best night ever. And then by the end of the second night you just wanted to kill them. It's going to be like that [with Billy] except in the second hour.

Derek Jeter should be punished for the Marlins' COVID outbreak by being forced to play for the team

I say you punish Derek Jeter. You make Derek Jeter go out there and he plays. Tell me you wouldn't watch a game with the Marlins if it was just like Derek Jeter, Gary Sheffield, all the old Marlins superstars getting out there and just whipping on every pitch.

Jamal Adams is the new Antonio Brown of contract disputes

Dak Prescott and Jamal Adams to figure out whose contract is going to be... he is the new Antonio Brown. Not on the mental side, I'm talking about the fact that he is all convinced that he's a free agent when he's still got two years [left] that they can control his contract.

Kyrie Irving is right that the NBA's return could distract from the Black Lives Matter movement

The thing I don't understand—I actually Kyrie's statement, I actually kind of agree with. Like his point is if you're—if we're pushing for something to radically change, the one thing you don't want to allow is for people to be like, 'can we just get back to normal?' because like when you're back to normal, it's easy way of just saying, 'Oh well, like we'll deal with that later.'

Returning to normalcy after the pandemic will be a gradual process, not a sudden switch

We're also not going back to normal like a light switch. We're not gonna be like, 'Hey, there we go. Now everyone just go party and we're cool.' It's going to be such a weird gradual thing where everyone is scared of each other because of germs.

I could survive retirement if I were able to gamble on sports every night

I might never be able to retire because I'm like a worker bee that needs to be working... if I had the ability to still gamble on Sports at night? Would that keep me working enough? Because that just part that you have to pay your you have to pay your gambling debts... I think the answer is yes.

Knicks fans hating James Dolan even during a global pandemic proves they still have passion for the team

I would actually be worried for Knicks fans if they didn't have that reaction. It means that they still have sports hatred in their blood. They can still feel passion about the man that has given them some absolutely nothing for the last couple decades.

Jordan Love is the perfect fit for the Raiders because he has the huge hands and big arm that the team loves

Mel Kiper said Jordan Love to the Raiders which would be awesome because Jordan Love is like the perfect huge hands big arm guy the Raiders like... still don't change much, keep doing you Raiders. Love it.

John Gruden is gun-shy about hiring any NFL player that has a prominent Instagram account

I think John [Gruden] is actually just gun-shy about hiring any single NFL player that has an Instagram account after what happened last year with Antonio Brown. If he hears the term social media around a player that he's evaluate. He's like, I'm out that social media. It's the devil's work.

I'm nervous that the 2020 NFL season might actually be cancelled or pushed back

I've reached the point where it started to hit me that football season might get [cancelled]. Okay, and yeah now it's real.

I will get in great shape during quarantine by walking around Brooklyn in an 80-pound weight vest

You guys right now are looking at the guy who just purchased an 80-pound weight vest. So I'm going to get back in shape. I'm gonna start walking around Brooklyn with a weight vest... I'll be walking around like Zion.

I think Antonio Brown is actually going crazy and having a mental break

I actually think Antonio Brown is – I think there's something wrong with him. I think that he's, like, going crazy. He's had, like – an actual mental break that doesn't mean that like we can't joke around about the whole helmet saga because that is fucking hilarious but I actually think that there's something wrong with the guy.

The next Hard Knocks episode will be a massive disappointment because the Raiders won't show the real drama

None of this is going to be on Hard Knocks. Because the Raiders aren't going to fucking let it on Hard Knocks. It's going to be the most disappointing Hard Knocks on Tuesday night. They will touch on it, sure, but we will not see Antonio Brown trying to sneak in with a bad helmet... and it will be so fucking disappointing.

You shouldn't be allowed to dress in tribute to Payne Stewart and then play slow as fuck like Bryson DeChambeau

You can't dress in tribute to Payne Stewart and then act like this Bryson. Payne Stewart would complete a round of golf faster right now than Bryson DeChambeau.

It is responsible to continue betting after your child is born because the baby might be good luck

It's actually responsible of you from a fiscal standpoint to continue betting, if not more so than you were before, because the baby might be good luck.

I'm throwing it out there that I have 350-pound dad strength now

I want to do like a full study on whether dad strength is a real thing. 350 probably. I'm going to throw that out there. 350. I'd say dad strength is a thing. Yep.

NBA draft workouts and team meetings are overrated

I think it's complete. The draft workouts and all that stuff, I think it's overrated. I kind of like that. Who knows? Maybe he's an awesome guy, and it's better to just not meet him.

The Knicks traded Porzingis for cap space they will definitely fail to use

The Knicks traded Kristaps to the Mavs... Basically, a cap space move... they are now going to try to go all in on Kevin Durant, Kyrie Irving, name any free agent, and the Knicks will be rumored to get them. And they won't get them because James Dolan is still the owner.

Teaching your kids to enjoy alcohol responsibly makes you a good father

Real take? I don't give a fuck. This is the most common thing ever... It's actually like teaching your kids how to enjoy alcohol responsibly is probably a really good father. So it's not like a novelty when they get to age 17 and they're just like butt funneling mad dogs.

You can't take a shit at a friend's house if the bathroom is less than 30 'bathroom feet' away

It's actually a formula that you multiply the number of bathrooms times the feet from the couch to the bathroom. And if it's anything under 30, then you can't take a shit there. So if there's a bathroom 20 feet away from the couch, but there's only one bathroom in the whole house, you can't do it.

NFL ratings will be insane this season despite hater predictions

All you fucking haters out there who say the NFL... Guess what? The NFL's back, and there's a shitload of us watching it. We love it... Ratings are going to be insane.

Wisconsin will lose in the Big Ten Championship game this year

Wisconsin, this is their year. Oh, yeah. They're probably going to lose in the Big Ten championship this year.

I hate the new NBA All-Star Game captain draft format

They're now making the all-star game where two captains pick the teams, which I fucking hate. I hate when they do this. My brain can't figure it out. I can't figure this shit out when you switch it all, when you swap it all off. They did it with the Pro Bowl, and Pro Bowl's never been the same.

Driving under the influence on a Tuesday night is morally worse than doing it on a weekend

Is that really worse, to be driving under the influence on a Tuesday night? I think that it is, by the way.

Getting kicked out of NFL practice for fighting is a veteran move to get the day off

Once you get past like year four in the NFL, your role in training camp is to just see how little training camp you can do. We call that the Brett Favre. [Kyle Long] got kicked out of practice because he got into a fight... it's a vet move. You throw a punch, get the day off.

The Cleveland Cavaliers have the worst hair of any team in NBA history

It just occurred to me, the Cavaliers are probably the NBA team with the worst hair of all time, and they're matched up against the team [Warriors] with the worst facial hair of all time.

Fat is coming back as a trend and Brooklyn will lead the way

Fat is coming back. And good news for you. The first place that it's going to come back, place at the forefront of all these trends, is Brooklyn. You know, like back in the day, if you were fat, it meant that you were well fed and that you could take care of yourself.

iTunes doesn't exist in Canada

I don't even know if that counts for the iTunes rankings. I don't think they have iTunes in Canada, so we don't actually appreciate them, but we'll just say we appreciate them.