Takes

James Dolan getting involved again will ruin the Knicks

This would make me nervous as a Knicks fan because James Dolan, they're like little run here where they've gotten back to being a good team. Feels like James Dolan took a step back. Now he's maybe taking a step back forward and he's a shithead owner that will ruin something.

Rory McIlroy taking a fan's phone during a practice round is incredibly soft

Rory McIlroy is the worst... he goes and takes the guy's phone and just starts walking off with him... That's soft. Hey. Yeah. It's, it's soft. That's insanely soft. Like what do, it's a practice round.

Tiger Woods could still win one more major despite his ankle surgery

Even after I just said that it felt dirty and it's like, I'm actually already back to maybe he could win one more because he is Tiger Woods... I'm going to erase my retroactive take and then stick with my original take that he could win one more.

The Wisconsin head coaching job is better than the Nebraska job

I think I would rather, I would rather take the Wisconsin job than the Nebraska job. Nebraska fans will get very upset, but I agree. Nebraska feels like it's the entire job is poisoned... Really the only way that you can possibly succeed at Nebraska is to do what Bo Pelini did... which is to just make everybody in town hate you.

Clemson at 16-to-1 is a great value bet to make the College Football Playoff

A future that I had my eyes on: Clemson at 16 to one to win the national title. I don't think they're gonna win the national title. I think they're gonna be in the playoff though. I think Clemson is sneaky a little bit back. DJ Uiagalelei is playing well... they've played the two toughest teams in Wake Forest and NC State and the ACC.

Georgia's recent performance suggests they aren't the juggernaut people thought

Did we get a little bit duped by Georgia's dominance? Because we watched that 49 to three game against Oregon week one... and we're like, this team is insane. And I think they're obviously still very, very good. But the last two... games in a row where they've played down to their competition severely. Makes you start to say, Huh, maybe this isn't like the juggernaut we all thought it would be.

James Madison University will be ranked in the Top 25 if they are undefeated heading into the Marshall game

They should be wins [Arkansas State/Georgia State]. And then they got Marshall at home. They will be ranked at least 23 if they go into that game... It's pretty crazy the fact that they, this is their first year as a big boy program and they're undefeated.

Giannis will eventually want out of Milwaukee if they suffer more early playoff exits

If they get bounced, like for years in a row, he'll be like, yeah, I'm out. He still has an out because it's the NBA and any player can say, I want out at any time.

The Bulls are back after hiring Billy Donovan

Your Chicago Bulls have just hired former Oklahoma City Thunder and Florida head coach Billy Donovan as their head coach... my darling Jake you have that Bulls are back.

Kyrie Irving is right that the NBA's return could distract from the Black Lives Matter movement

The thing I don't understand—I actually Kyrie's statement, I actually kind of agree with. Like his point is if you're—if we're pushing for something to radically change, the one thing you don't want to allow is for people to be like, 'can we just get back to normal?' because like when you're back to normal, it's easy way of just saying, 'Oh well, like we'll deal with that later.'

The Knicks traded Porzingis for cap space they will definitely fail to use

The Knicks traded Kristaps to the Mavs... Basically, a cap space move... they are now going to try to go all in on Kevin Durant, Kyrie Irving, name any free agent, and the Knicks will be rumored to get them. And they won't get them because James Dolan is still the owner.

Teaching your kids to enjoy alcohol responsibly makes you a good father

Real take? I don't give a fuck. This is the most common thing ever... It's actually like teaching your kids how to enjoy alcohol responsibly is probably a really good father. So it's not like a novelty when they get to age 17 and they're just like butt funneling mad dogs.

You can't take a shit at a friend's house if the bathroom is less than 30 'bathroom feet' away

It's actually a formula that you multiply the number of bathrooms times the feet from the couch to the bathroom. And if it's anything under 30, then you can't take a shit there. So if there's a bathroom 20 feet away from the couch, but there's only one bathroom in the whole house, you can't do it.

NFL ratings will be insane this season despite hater predictions

All you fucking haters out there who say the NFL... Guess what? The NFL's back, and there's a shitload of us watching it. We love it... Ratings are going to be insane.

Wisconsin will lose in the Big Ten Championship game this year

Wisconsin, this is their year. Oh, yeah. They're probably going to lose in the Big Ten championship this year.

I hate the new NBA All-Star Game captain draft format

They're now making the all-star game where two captains pick the teams, which I fucking hate. I hate when they do this. My brain can't figure it out. I can't figure this shit out when you switch it all, when you swap it all off. They did it with the Pro Bowl, and Pro Bowl's never been the same.

Wisconsin is a perennial threat to win the national title

As everyone knows, Wisconsin's perennial threat to win the national title. So that's probably Nick Saban just trying to take out his number one rival. Take out Wisconsin. Wisconsin Badgers.

Fat is coming back as a trend and Brooklyn will lead the way

Fat is coming back. And good news for you. The first place that it's going to come back, place at the forefront of all these trends, is Brooklyn. You know, like back in the day, if you were fat, it meant that you were well fed and that you could take care of yourself.

iTunes doesn't exist in Canada

I don't even know if that counts for the iTunes rankings. I don't think they have iTunes in Canada, so we don't actually appreciate them, but we'll just say we appreciate them.