Takes

I would definitely win a 3-on-1 fight against Siciliano, Rapoport, and Schefter

Take me down? Or, like, what do you mean? Murder you. Yeah... No. Absolutely not. I don't know what he's smoking... I am being cocky. I would still kill him.

The OKC Thunder will get swept by the Golden State Warriors in the playoffs

Who gets the shot at the end of game four when they're getting swept by the Golden State Warriors? Russ, triple team.

You are a fake fan if you don't watch Thursday Night Football because of a 'bad' matchup

If you're the kind of fan that doesn't watch Thursday Night Football because you've got work tomorrow morning or it's between two of the worst teams of the past 25 years or some other excuse like that, guess what? You're a fake fan. Fake. Fraud. Shame.

Kirk Cousins owes Sean McVay and Kyle Shanahan half his salary for making him look adequate

Honestly, Kirk Cousins owes both of those coaches probably half of his salary. That's how you knew both of those coaches were good is that they were able to make Kirk look adequate at times.

Kyrie Irving requested a trade because he didn't want to be left in Cleveland when LeBron leaves for L.A. next year

My theory is that Kyrie basically said LeBron's going to go to L.A. next year, and I don't want him to basically control my destiny, where it's like, if I have a chance to get to a team that can compete right now, instead of being left in Cleveland when LeBron bolts in a year... I don't want to have that happen to me.

Mormon soaking is a real practice where couples stay still to avoid technically having sex

The soak is you're not allowed to have sex before you get married... You are allowed to soak. What does that mean? You just put it in. Don't move. Just lay there. You soak it. Just put it in... with no friction.

Kevin Durant is an internet troll and a disturbed individual

[Kevin Durant] is an internet troll, but I think more important than that, he is a disturbed individual. And this most recent spur of activity that he's been doing from getting caught responding to himself to his apologies that he's been issuing... I've swung 360 degrees.

I am firmly anti-Tony Romo as a broadcaster because he provides too many spoilers

I'm fucking sick of everyone saying how great Tony Romo is... It's impressive that he calls plays, but I don't really want to know what's coming. It's a spoiler. He's literally doing in real time spoilers right in my face. And everyone's like, Tony Romo, such a breath of fresh air. I am firmly in the anti-Tony Romo until people just cool down a little about it.

No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl

It is scientific fact. No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl. Think about it. Parcells was skinnier. John Madden was a lot skinnier. Every football guy gets fatter after they retire... Parcells was actually kind of in football guy shape. I'm saying no fat coach. That's why Andy Reid's probably losing all this weight because he's like, fuck, I got to get in shape.

Eli Manning has proven that luck exists in life

Eli Manning is so funny. His streak of consecutive games... it's just because he just goes down. He literally goes down every time that someone's even close to him, and that's why he gets to play every game... Eli has proven that luck exists in life. Some people are very, very lucky, and some people aren't. And he's a Manning.

Kyle Shanahan is the most likely coach to be the first one ejected under new NFL rules

I think a sneaky one is Kyle Shanahan because, one, he's a dick. Number two, he's got that entitlement thing, or at least the refs will think he's got that entitlement thing. So if he says one thing that crosses the line, they'll be like, I'm going to teach you a lesson.

Jerry Jones is intentionally stalling Roger Goodell's contract to force him out by 2019

And there are some who think that what he's really trying to do is drive such a hard bargain with Roger Goodell that Goodell just eventually says, screw it, I'm out of here when my contract expires in 2019.

Teddy Bridgewater will play for the Vikings before the 2017 season ends

I don't know what in the hell they're expecting at this point. So I think, yeah, we'll see Bridgewater before the end of the year on the field.

J.J. Watt will catch at least two touchdowns against the Bengals

My prediction is J.J. Watt scores two touchdowns because the Texans have three tight ends that all have concussions. So J.J. Watt's going to catch some balls tonight.

MeUndies needs to add an 'escape hatch' for older men to avoid the 'drip factor'

I have raised a legitimate question here. How can you not have an escape hatch for the undies? ... At my age, there was what we call a drip factor. ... You can't get Mr. Johnson out without pulling him down.

Tom Coughlin might actually be dead and operating on reflex muscles

I think Tom Coughlin has been dead for years, actually. ... After you die, your body—your muscles keep twitching. ... He's just been walking around berating players for not being on time to practice.

The Saints should clean house and move on from Sean Payton and Drew Brees

The Saints need to just clean house, I think. I think it's time. You know what I mean? It's enough watching Drew Brees and Sean Payton be 7-9 and keep thinking, hey, why isn't Drew Brees thrown into Marcus Colson more? That's what I think every single game that I watch the Saints. I'm like, just move on. It's over.

Metaphysical intention can change the structure of water

It's about how intention changes water. So you'll talk to water and you'll say I love you and then there's that glass and then I hate you and you put that glass down. You tell what, it's the emotion attached to that water and it'll be from the same water source just different word association and then it shows under a microscope what it looks like with the word intention associated with it.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

Brian Kelly is an asshole

First of all, Brian Kelly's a shithead. We can all agree on that. ... I think he's an asshole.

The New England Patriots are dead

The New England Patriots are dead. Actually, they're still going to win the division, but it's times like this I thank my lucky stars I'm not a New England Patriots fan.

The Vontaze Burfict preseason hit was clean football, not a suspension-worthy hit

It wasn't really head-to-head. ... You come across the middle, that's my zone. You don't come across the middle and you get your head taken off. That's like when football was football.

Chip Kelly is house shopping in College Station to replace Kevin Sumlin

The fire of the hot seat got lit under Kevin Sumlin. So now Chip Kelly's driving his General Lee down to College Station. He's ready to go. He's house shopping. Rumor is his wife... no, no chance. Chip Kelly's married. His girlfriend's football. Chip Kelly's made up pretend girlfriend is now working with a realtor in College Station.

It would be hilarious if the US Men's Soccer team failed to qualify for the World Cup

It would be hilarious if the US didn't make the World Cup. It would be very, very funny. It would be so fucking funny. We could make jokes all summer long and be like, when does the US play?

Nick Saban would score 100 points on Lane Kiffin if they played

He's [Saban] not playing against Lane Kiffin. So make that 10-1. Saban would probably go like, he'd put up a 100 burger.

Men should cover up their legs and never wear shorts

Hot take. The once and future king of Mount Rushmore season, shorts. Cool take. I kind of hate shorts. I think men should cover up their legs.

A-Rod is attempting to transform Jennifer Lopez into himself

I think A-Rod is trying to turn J-Lo into himself. Because we all know that he loves himself... recently she's been doing a lot of workouts with him in the gym.

Matthew Stafford will lead the Lions to at least one NFC Championship game in the next four years

Matt Stafford over under NFC Championship appearances in the next four years on his contract, 0.5? Over. Really? Yeah, over. Wow. So then that would be a success in my mind. Well, that depends on what your definition of success is. I think if the Lions went to an NFC Championship game with Matthew Stafford, that contract was a success.

Malcolm Gladwell would probably beat LeBron James in a long-distance foot race

LeBron got challenged by Malcolm Gladwell to a foot race... These fucking nerds, all they do is they go and find the biggest alpha on the block... they're like, hey, I'll challenge you to this sport that's not a sport and we'll make it really long distance so you get super tired. And I honestly can see Malcolm Gladwell winning. Nerds are always faster because they have to run from their bullies from a young age.

Sam Darnold will be the best quarterback USC has ever had

He'll be the best quarterback we've ever had there [USC]. I'm serious... I think he's going to be the best college and NFL quarterback USC's ever had.

NFL teams must start rookie quarterbacks early to find out if they have the 'balls of a burglar'

Don't I want to find out early if my guy's got the balls of a burglar? Because if he can't handle getting hit around and throwing picks... then I don't want him three years from now because that's a character flaw. I want a quarterback that when the dog pees on your leg, your girlfriend likes the other quarterback... and the crowd's booing you... can you pull yourself out of that and win?

I will not vote for Sam Darnold for the Heisman if USC changes the name of their horse Traveler

I will not vote for [Sam] Darnold if they change the name of that horse... I got to vote. If they mess around with my horse, I'm off him. I won't vote.

The Cleveland Browns are a great betting value early in the 2017 season

The Cleveland Browns [is my favorite NFL bet]. No, you know why? They're going to get a lot of points. They're an awful team. I'm going to get double-digit points. No one's going to be betting on them. So I'm going to take them.

LeBron James is only defending jersey burning to protect his future self for when he leaves Cleveland again

LeBron's statements are right. I'm always a players guy. The owners don't look out for the players. But this, to me, is classic LeBron looking out for future LeBron. Because he knows he's going to leave.

The sport of boxing will implode if Conor McGregor beats Floyd Mayweather

The sport is going to implode if Conor McGregor beats maybe the best pound-for-pound fighter of all time. So you're saying maybe it's time for the panic button for the sport of boxing.

Jon Jones is addicted to steroids

I think Jon Jones, it's an understatement to say it, but I think he just really likes drugs. He's addicted to steroids. He's got an addictive [personality]... He's the only person on earth that's addicted to PEDs.

Conor McGregor will lose to Floyd Mayweather by doing something illegal during the fight

I'm gonna put money on McGregor because... he's in the mood for pikey justice. And he's gonna do something... McGregor's going to take him out illegally and then lose the fight. But then he's gonna have all his money spread out and bet on Mayweather to win.

The Wisconsin Badgers will never win a national title in football or basketball

Wisconsin ever winning a national title in anything... Basketball and football, yeah. So that one, that chip failed the night [of] the Duke game [in 2015]. I actually said it... I was like, that's it. We're never coming back... It's never happening.

Blake Bortles will not be the starting quarterback for the Jaguars by Week 8.

Blake Bortles is a fucking fantasy football and real life fantasy and real life football disappointment... He's not going to be starting by week eight. All right. I predict week eight. No injury. Bye-bye.

LeBron James is definitely going to the Lakers next year.

[Big Cat]: Where do you think [LeBron] is going? [PFT Commenter]: LA. [Michael Rapaport]: If you're a little pussy-ass bitch, you go to LA. ... Lakers. It's already set up.

Mike Tomlin is not a true 'Football Guy' because he is always looking for the camera.

I actually disagree on Mike Tomlin. I do not think Mike Tomlin is a football guy. Because Mike Tomlin always knows where the camera is. He always is looking for the camera, doing pointing shit. That's not a football guy.

LeBron James is 100% leaving Cleveland after this season

Chris Sheridan said... NBA Source said today... this will be [LeBron James's] final season in Cleveland. He is 100% leaving. Relationship with owners beyond repair.

Oatmeal raisin is a trash-ass cookie

Because that's a trash-ass cookie. That's a trash ass cookie. Oatmeal raisin is not a Mount Rushmore cookies cookie.

The 2017 solar eclipse is a shadow designed by scientists to get us excited about space

I think it's Something that's designed by scientists to get us excited about space, but it's actually pretty lame Well, you know what the in eclipse is it's a fucking shadow. Yeah, we're excited about a shadow.

The 'Who wants to sex Mutombo' story is completely false

I have defended myself. I have splendid myself, and I continue to splendid myself. Nobody don't know where that story come from... That story is not true. And I always even ask Alonzo Mourning, where did you get it? He said, no, somebody told me too.

Coach K used his knee surgery as an alibi to recruit Marvin Bagley

Coach K went into surgery on Friday, and then boom, on Monday, the best recruit says, I'm going to Duke. Now, he went in surgery at Duke's hospitals, so is there a chance he just didn't go to the surgery, and that's the greatest alibi ever, and he was on a private jet greasing the wheels... for Bagley?

The wind in Chicago will help Roberto Aguayo's accuracy by pushing the ball back to the uprights

He's so wildly inaccurate that the wind is actually going to push his balls back towards the uprights.

Bryce Harper injured himself because he was too focused on adjusting his hair for the cameras

The real culprit in this situation, I don't know if you saw, but as he was stepping on the base, Bryce Harper was more concerned with adjusting his hair. The hair flopped out, and he put his hand up there to try to straighten his hair out, look good for the cameras. Guess what? You should have been paying attention to your knee.

Mitch Trubisky is the future of the Chicago Bears and a future Hall of Famer

I know it's a trap because I do think Mitch Trubisky is the future, but I'm a little ahead of myself. I'm thinking Canton, Ohio already. Yeah, I am one half of the first preseason game, but I don't care. He looked pretty good in that one half.

Texas is the only state that exercises sovereign immunity on contracts

Sovereign immunity is really appealing to third world dictators. ... the only state, the only state that exercises sovereign immunity on contracts is Texas. ... every state in the country eliminated exercising sovereign immunity on contracts, except for Texas does it to this day. ... And North Korea, I mean, sovereign immunity is a big deal with North Korea, Somalia. And that, you know, that's the company that's being kept if you exercise sovereign immunity on contracts.