Takes

NFL Quarterback Ranking: Aaron Rodgers is #1, Mahomes #2, and Dak Prescott is #3

Number one, Tom Brady's retired... Aaron Rodgers is one. Mahomes is two. Dak is three. ... Four, I'm going to go with my guy from Buffalo, Josh Allen.

People under five foot nine should not be allowed to lead countries

If you're five foot nine or less, you should not be in charge of a country. I will fully admit my people [short people] have a deficiency and that's like, we like to try to take over the world to prove everyone... we should not be allowed within 50 miles of a nuclear missile.

LeBron James is intentionally sabotaging the Lakers so they can draft Bronny

He's trying to fuck up the Lakers roster so badly that they will be in a position to draft Bronny. So then he goes back to Cleveland and then he comes back to LA to play with Bronny.

I could last a two-minute shift in the NHL and score a goal by crashing the net

If we threw you out there, could you last a shift in the NHL? It's like two minutes, right? Yeah. I think I got that. I mean, yeah. I mean, for fighting for 30 seconds of this shift... maybe just crash the net, just get in front of them that, yeah. Push the goalie around and see, who's got the goalies back. It's a playoff goal.

The Ravens might move on from Lamar Jackson

What if the Ravens moved on from Lamar Jackson? Why? He got hurt. They got rid of his offensive coordinator... I just said, keep an eye on it. This is complete and utter reckless speculation.

5G radars will ground all US air travel

Turns out a bunch of the airline CEOs said that the new 5G radars that are getting put on for telecommunications, once they get turned on, it's going to affect a bunch of their planes landing. And that they're going to have to ground all US air travel tomorrow.

The NFL is rigged for ratings and views

How somehow some way, and the fourth quarter... the scores magically are going to line up. If this team gets a touchdown in a two point conversion, it's like, wow, it's, it's rigged. This is rigged for ratings, for views.

The Baltimore Ravens have a better chance of winning with Tyler Huntley than Lamar Jackson

I feel like the Ravens have a better chance of beating the Bengals with Huntley than they do with Lamar. And not because Lamar is a worse player overall. But I think that whatever offense they're running with Huntley rocks, it's clicking for some reason right now.

The Jaguars will play the game of their season to honor Urban Meyer

I think the Jaguars is going to play the game of their season so far. They're going to go out there and set the world on fire for urban Meyer because they miss their guy... circle the wagons be like, we're rallying in the name of urban Meyer.

Travis Hunter will not be the only five-star recruit to join an HBCU

I liked it as well stated. And I don't think he's [Travis Hunter] going to be by himself. I'm just telling you that he's not going to be alone. I promise you. He is not going to be alone. You're going to hear about that real soon.

The Patriots officially won the Brady-Belichick divorce if they win the Super Bowl with Mac Jones

I think we can officially declare that the Patriots won the Tom Brady bill Belichick divorce [if Mac Jones wins a Superbowl as a rookie]. Again getting a super bowl incredibly non COVID year. Credible.

Texas made a mistake by firing Tom Herman given their current dumpster fire

I'll go one further. If you're Texas, you regret firing Tom Herman... Sarkeesian is still like... they've lost seven in a row and lost to Kansas? Like, I think that's how bad it's gotten at Texas, that there's definitely Texas fans are like, wait, did we make a mistake here by firing Tom Herman?

Coach K should retire immediately over his grandson's DWI

Coach K [should] retire right now if he had any backbone and stood for anything that he says that he stands for. You can't have this... Step down right now. Institutional chaos before someone gets hurt.

Vegans have nothing to look forward to in life

Vegans gross. Like what do you do? What do you look forward to? Bread? Ice cream? If you're a vegan, tell me what you look forward to? The day you die and you get the sweet release of this hellhole of a life.

Russell Wilson is currently the number one quarterback in the NFL

Lamar [Jackson] is number two... My number one's Russell Wilson.

The Patriots will win the Super Bowl if they beat the Browns convincingly

As I've said the whole season, last week was going to decide how I feel about the rest of the season. They won. I'm now in 'soupy' mode. So if they're going to go to the 'soupy', they've got to win this game [against the Browns] convincingly.

Coach K is currently coaching for his job and legacy

I think that their [Duke's] players are so good that Coach K would be on the hot seat if he didn't win a title with these players. He is coaching for his job. We need to update that as the year goes on because if Coach K does not win a title with this extremely talented team, this would go down as the worst job coaching that he ever did in his entire life.

The Patriots might win the Super Bowl this year

What if the Patriots get to the Super Bowl? ... This year, my brother is getting married the week after the Super Bowl in California, so I'm going to be out in California. I'm thinking it's going to be just the biggest party week of all time. I'm going to win the soupy, I'm taking the next week off, and I'm just going to live the greatest life of all time.

A human will eventually break the nine-second mark in the 100-meter dash

You never know. You know what I mean? For me, the possibility... now even our babies actually came out with new slides that helps you to actually run faster. So you never know what's next... Maybe one of my sons has [already been born].

The Washington Football Team exploited Sean Taylor's death to distract from front office scandals

If they literally were exploiting Sean Taylor's death, the one player that I care about... to get the stank off of their front office, that's a new low. And I think they were. I might be out.

Trevon Diggs is the NFL MVP

I'd like to renew my call for Trevon Diggs to get the MVP. Six interceptions in five games. He should be the MVP right now. On pace for 24 interceptions.

The Dolphins might beat the Buccaneers outright

I'm going with Buccaneers versus Dolphins. They're minus 10. I think they're going to cover. I think the Dolphins might win outright. Seriously.

I would average 20 points and 20 rebounds in today's NBA

I'd probably get 20-20. One thing about rebound now is the field goal percentage is probably down 3 or 4% than when we played... more three-pointers being taken, so that means maybe more rebound opportunities... They can't shoot, really. I mean, the shooting is bad.

I guarantee I will win six tournaments on the PGA Tour this season

I'm going to go with six [wins]. [That's a considerable amount of wins]. I'm trying.

Dog the Bounty Hunter will find Brian Laundrie before the FBI

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the trail of Brian Laundrie... What happens if Dog finds him before the FBI? He absolutely will. He's Dog the Bounty Hunter. Like Brian Laundrie probably saw that clip and he's like, all right, it's over.

The Carolina Panthers are a legitimate team and could win the NFC South.

I'm going to say something right now. This is crazy... Panthers plus 500 to win the NFC South. The bucks are old.

I bet my pinky the Indianapolis Colts will not win the Super Bowl

The Indianapolis Colts will not win the Super bowl. And if they do, I'll cut off the tip of my pinky.

Trevor Lawrence is officially a bust right now

Not sold on Trevor Lawrence, but I'm still saying bust right now. He's playing like a bus driver. Lawrence is a bust.

Ohio State will lose four games this season

I wouldn't be surprised if [Ohio State] lose four games. Four games.

Capitalism is the true villain of the Titanic movie

Billy says capitalism is the villain and Titanic because we're trying to maximize profits instead of safety.

Nick Sirianni is going to stink as a head coach

I'm ready to say that. I think Nick Sirianni is going to stink as a head coach. I think he's going to be, because he's only, he's trying to do the thing he thinks that he's Belichick already... You can already see him like trying to play the games. He did the whole rock paper scissors thing, which seemed like he was outsmarting himself a little bit.

Design downfield laterals are the future of football

Design downfield laterals. That's the future of football. Yeah, we'll set up a Zoom. But honestly, the Hail Mary on like second down, they'll never see it coming.

The Dallas Cowboys are going to win the Super Bowl this year

I can't see a world that Dallas don't win at least 15 games and CD Lamb should be a first rounder and Amari Cooper should be a first rounder and Dak Prescott... should be a first rounder... they are going to win the Super Bowl.

Olympic runners are breaking world records because there are no fans to suck the oxygen out of the stadium

If there's no crowd at all, does that mean that there's more oxygen for the people to breathe on the track? ... They're sucking all the oxygen out normally, but when there's no fans there, it's a richer environment for especially distance runners to be able to breathe more efficiently.

Aaron Rodgers will retire mid-season before a divisional game to maximize pain for the Packers

If he is actually a man that believes what he says, he's going to retire in the middle of the season before a game against the division rival to inflict maximum pain upon the Green Bay Packers. So Aaron, I would suggest maybe quitting before a game against the Bears, maybe the day of a game against the Bears.

Cade Cunningham's veganism is a major red flag for his NBA durability

I am concerned with Cade Cunningham though... it's because he's vegan. If you're a vegan going into the NBA, Jalen Green's 180 pounds, he will probably be able to put on another like 20. And Cade Cunningham's probably gonna lose weight over the course of his career. You can't trust a man made of the plant proteins. That's his durability and his mentality.

The Wisconsin Badgers could win the Olympic gold medal in basketball

I really do think that the Wisconsin Badgers could win the gold medal because it does feel like that's the style of basketball [in the Olympics]. I was actually thinking that probably the worst NBA team would have a better chance at winning the title than this group right now.

Jerry Jones would commit murder for a chance at another Super Bowl

I'm not trying to be sacrilegious here, but the facts are that I would right now, if I could, and I knew I had a good chance to do it, I would do anything known to man to get into a Superbowl. [PFT]: Mike McCarthy, you think would Mike McCarthy die for the super bowl? ... [Jerry] wants to kill someone. I think, I think, I think Mike McCarthy, who would kneel down onto like a, a block and you put the rest, his head on it and have Jerry Jones smash.

Space Jam: A New Legacy would be a 10/10 movie if LeBron James wasn't in it

I actually think what this movie would have been way better without LeBron James. Oh, absolutely... besides all of the scenes that he was in. Good job LeBron. Yeah, that's probably the best way to review the whole thing. Outside of LeBron, this movie was a 10 out of 10.

Tortoises have no natural lifetime and never die of old age

Tortoises have no natural lifetime. Only be killed by other things. They never die of old age... if you left a tortoise alone and kept like forever, right.

Shark Week is being used by the media to maintain a state of fear after COVID-19

I think that we're overdue for some of the shark. The media hasn't really like had anything to like keep us in fear about after COVID has kind of started to become an afterthought. The media day are overdue for another summer. You weren't scared about the story of the shooting that was planned in Denver.

Federico Chiesa is the next GOAT of soccer

That dude Chiesa, my guy Chiesa, he's the next GOAT. Like, we might be seeing a torch event happen in the next year, two years, where Messi passes that torch.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are a 1,000-unit lock to beat the New Orleans Saints by 40

I'm leaving you with a 1,000-unit game of my career. Tampa Bay Bucs minus 4 by 40. [Referring to the regular season matchup]

American sports owners like Stan Kroenke and the Glazers tried to turn European football into WrestleMania

And in came the American sports owners... Stan Kroenke, who it's not clear to me actually knows he owns Arsenal... you've got the Glazers... and they've got ideas... it was a bit like that old sci-fi show V where we welcomed in the aliens who seem nice... to try and turn what is precious, what has grown over a century, just that evolution, the history, the traditions, and to try and turn that into WrestleMania was a bit dark.

If the Sixers lose the series in six games, the franchise should consider blowing up 'The Process'

Right now, if the Sixers lose this series in six, hope is gone. Hope is out the window. I would be firing up the trade machine and seeing how many picks you can get for Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons to just restart the process.

Jeffrey Toobin should own his scandal and become 'the jack off guy'

He should have been like, 'Hey guys, listen, I'm a guy. I jerk off.' You know what? You should trust me more because I'm just a regular guy who jerks off and guess what? This is my pledge to you. I will not do it in front of any more cameras. Lean into it. You have to own it at this point. Just become the jack off guy.

The Nets could beat almost any team if all five starters had to score the exact same amount of points

How many teams do you think that the Nets could beat in a seven-game series if... All five of their starters had to score the exact same amount of points... It's like everyone has to score exactly 14 points. [With Harden healthy], I think they could beat almost everyone.

The NHL should suspend players for dirty hits but allow them back for one 'grudge' game

I think they should do this more often... suspend him for enough games where he can come back and then everyone can tune in to watch him have fights all night. I think the rule should be if you get suspended for a dirty hit in the playoffs, you should be forced to start the next game, skate one shift, and then after that point, your suspension begins.

Urban Meyer and LeBron James are the same person

Urban Meyer and LeBron were the same person. I was like, I'm going to use this to get what I need out of it. I'm going to use the state of Ohio. And then once I get what I need, I'm gone, and that's that. And I saw through it.

Brooks Koepka would have won the PGA Championship by 15 strokes if his knee was healthy

[Brooks Koepka's] knee is hurting him, and he wasn't able to get all the way low to read putts, and the putter is what kind of killed him today and this weekend. So Ipso facto, he probably would have won this tournament by 15 strokes if his knee was okay.