Takes

Billy Mitchell's wife is the reason he is the 'King of the Nerds'

I actually kind of think his wife has big tits and I think that that is the greatest equalizer in like nerd world where they're like, 'Whoa, Billy look at the fucking the tits on your wife' and then he just becomes the King of the Nerds.

I am officially cancelling all sports until 2022 to avoid further heartbreak

I'm approaching [cancellations] the exact opposite way. I am cancelled sports for 2020, 2021 and possibly 2022 and anything that we get that comes sooner than that is a bonus. I'm not gonna let myself get my heart broken over and over... the world has ended and sports are over.

A-Rod probably saved sports and the world by talking to President Trump

A-Rod probably saved sports and the world but I'm not bragging about it... Sports will probably be back before you even know because President Trump called up A-Rod on Friday night.

Britney Spears set a world record by running the 100m dash in 5.97 seconds

Britney Spears set a world record in the 100 meter dash. She ran a hundred meters in 5.97 seconds on a treadmill which is four seconds faster than Usain Bolt... no one's gonna break that record.

Big Baller Brand is worth over one billion dollars

The net worth of big baller brand is estimated to be over 1 billion dollars... what's it worth? why everybody knows it's worth a billion. Why do you think they come at me so hard? Because I know it's worth a billion dollars.

I will not get the coronavirus because my resistance level is too high

My resistance level is very high. I ain't gonna get no coronavirus man. Last time I got sick I was in kindergarten.

A prime Lavar Ball would kill Zion Williamson one-on-one

Prime Lavar Ball versus Zion Williamson one-on-one? Murder that boy. Too small. He too soft. He too slow. I was way too fast for that boy in my prime. I will kill him. I was just too strong and too fast.

I would coach the New York Knicks to an NBA championship in one year if they signed all three of my sons

Would I coach the New York Knicks? I'm coach that team, but I have to have all three of my boys over there. If I have all three of them go to the championship one year. That's all it took me one time and then he said it down I'm gone. My boys play at a whole different level when I am there.

Dude Perfect is responsible for the coronavirus because their trick shot gong was made in Wuhan

I'm putting Dude Perfect on the hot seat. I don't know if you've seen them recently, but they were showing off the gong that they have in their Dude Perfect warehouse... and it says proudly made in Wuhan right on the big gong there. So many people are asking is Dude Perfect responsible for the stuff that's going on the world.

Frosted Flakes is easily the worst cereal option

This is way more controversial than my last one. But easily my least favorite cereal Frosted Flakes... growing up and I go to my friend's house for sleepovers or whatever and they go on Frosted Flakes. No disgusting.

Jamal Murray should claim he has coronavirus to make people forget his accidental sex tape

PR 101 for him. I don't know what you do. You just actually say you have coronavirus. There you go think that really is the only way out. If you say you have coronavirus people will just feel bad for you and then kind of forget that that happened.

Bill O'Brien is a sleeper agent for Bill Belichick designed to implode AFC teams

I remain convinced this day that Bill O'Brien is a sleeper agent for Bill Belichick as are all of his former assistant coaches that go out across the country take jobs usually in the AFC implode teams and then come back to ensure the Patriots and get to the Super Bowl faster.

If they cancel March Madness, I will intentionally contract coronavirus the next day

If they cancel March Madness—I'm not talking about playing it with no fans—if they cancel it outright, I will get coronavirus the next day. I do not want to be healthy in a world where March Madness does not exist.

Chugging Tito's Vodka can help prevent Coronavirus

I think it's a bitch. I'm going to chug. I think I saw some people that were making their own hand sanitizer out of Tito's vodka and like aloe vera. Okay, so I think if you stay drunk then it's going to kill all the incoming virus and it won't be able to attach ourselves. Right? This is alcohol is an anti. Yeah antiviral.

Wearing a 'PMT Karate Black Belt' shirt is the ultimate life hack to avoid fights

I have an idea it dawned on me... we are going to start PMT karate and sell the shirt... you according to us. We are the heads of PMT. Karate you listening right now. You have a black belt. Yeah, so you are not stealing Valor... No one will fight you. That's the whole point of wearing the shirt.

Coronavirus is an overrated, fraud of a disease

It's a bitch little disease... I agree. We called it out as being a fraud being overrated last week. I'm not I'm not changing that up... I'm not convinced about this Corona thing. I'll take coronavirus to the face right now.

I believe I could give Kevin Durant a run for his money in a one-on-one basketball game

I'll most definitely... I actually like to make that happen. I actually think I give [Durant] a run for his money.

Coronavirus is an overrated threat with a 'trash' mortality rate

I would say that the Corona virus is overrated because it only has a two percent mortality rate, which frankly is trash like 2% get Okay, and I would I would honestly get coronavirus just for the content. I think it would be a good addition to the show.

Steven Seagal can't be arrested for fraud because Bitcoin 2 Gen was obviously a pyramid scheme

I don't think that Steven Seagal is off the hook on this one because you can't get arrested for fraud If the product is called this is literally fraud, right? So he's very open about how fraudulent Bitcoin to Jin was. So it's not like it's false advertising.

Jose Altuve's 'unfinished tattoo' excuse for not wanting his jersey ripped off is a cover for steroid-induced back acne.

No, it wasn't a tattoo. I was just embarrassed because I had a ton of bacne from all the steroids I was taking. Reframe the conversation. Type of cheating... the cheating that's allowed.

I might get an NFL call-up as a 'camp leg' based on my XFL kicking film

I'm also thinking that there's an outside chance that with what I've put on film already and what I will continue to put on film, maybe I get a call for a training camp for an NFL team. Maybe I'm a camp leg... They need camp legs. I'm not worse than Vinatieri. I'm a better kicker than the greatest kicker of all time.

American athletes are superior to Europeans in every sport

I think just for the record, if Europe's listening to me, America has superior athletes to Europeans. That's just a fact. We just do. Every single one of them is better than every European in every sport that any European has tried to play.

Alex Ovechkin will officially be better than Wayne Gretzky after he scores his 700th goal

And Ovi just scored his 700th goal. ... I'm predicting. I'm going to be at the Caps game on Saturday night. I'm going to see him score two more goals. And then it's going to happen. Now he's officially better than Wayne Gretzky. Perfect.

Patrick Mahomes will win 10 Super Bowl titles and 10 MVPs

Put this on a quote board right now because I truly believe this. I truly believe that Patrick Mahomes is going to end up being the first quarterback to have double digit Super Bowl titles and MVPs. 10.

Jameis Winston is a future Hall of Famer

Can we call you [David Baker] up and be like, hey, David Baker, can we say this guy's a future Hall of Famer? Are you allowed to do that? Jameis Winston. Jameis Winston could be. We'll take a 'not no' for Jameis Winston.

If my accomplishments in the next 20 years don't exceed my NBA career, then I failed

I told somebody said listen if what I do in the next 20 years is not better than my last 20 then I failed... I wouldn't accomplish what I accomplished my last 20 years if I did not have this mentality to begin with.

Zion Williamson is a bonafide bust

Zion is a bust. Parentheses: I went to sleep at halftime.

Aaron Rodgers is not a great quarterback

Eli, Romo, Carson Palmer, Aaron Rodgers, Jay Cutler. These are all people that are not great quarterbacks, but were very good for a long time.

Jeffrey Epstein is still alive

We need to find Jeffrey Epstein. Because he's still alive. That motherfucker's still alive. Let's do that. Dog the Bounty Hunter Season Two: On the Trail of Jeffrey... there's no way this guy's dead. This guy is overseas somewhere.

Rapists almost never commit suicide

All rapists do not commit suicide. A person that does, shot someone else... Rapists are sissies. They like that feeling when a girl [says] 'please, please, please don't.' I've arrested a lot. And they will not most of the time kill themselves. No, he [Epstein] didn't kill himself. Somebody hung his ass.

The Packers roster is just an average quarterback away from being a Super Bowl contender

The Packers roster, here's a nice Spin Zone for Packer fans: the Packers roster is an average quarterback away from being a Super Bowl contender. I think if they had benched Aaron Rodgers at halftime... that was the way to go, get a spark in there.

I actually think I am going to make the DC Defenders XFL team as a kicker

They suggested, as a joke, that the DC team they don't have a kicker right now... I started practicing, and now I actually think that I'm going to make the team... I want to be a professional football player. I want to make this team. And I believe that.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are moving to Canada as part of a British monarchy plan to retake dominance over the country

I think that this is the British monarchy trying to retake over Canada... Canada is like four Greenlands put together... This is the United Kingdom trying to retake over and establish dominance over Canada.

Jameis Winston is worth more money than Tom Brady right now

Who's worth more money, Jameis Winston or Tom Brady? Jameis. ... He's just got more years. Yeah, he's 26. And he's a future Hall of Famer.

Gus Johnson is not a good football announcer

I just firing off some takes that I've been sitting on and I got ratioed because I don't think Gus Johnson is a good football announcer. Okay. And people got mad.

A VCU home game is more life-altering than a 10-day trip to Europe

Yeah, but you haven't been to a home game at the Siegel Center [VCU]. And I was like, this was peak Shaka [Smart]. This was Travion Graham, Briante Weber. Like, you want to do push-ups on picket fences when they put the press on. So this was kind of my subtle way after we broke up to kind of, like, send, you know, a shot across the bow.

The Rams should trade Aaron Donald to recoup draft picks

The Rams... essentially the gist of it was nothing is off the table here and even possibly trading Aaron Donald would be... because they don't have picks. They don't have picks in the next two drafts. So now they might have to pay back some of that all in to get some draft capital... It'd be crazy if they did that, but they would also get a lot back for it.

Jameis Winston will eventually be the all-time NFL touchdown leader

I think it's going to probably be Jameis' award eventually, right? They should just name it after Jameis already. Jameis being the all-time touchdown passing leader is going to be the greatest.

Aaron Rodgers sucks now

I think Aaron Rodgers sucks. I think Aaron Rodgers sucks now. Aaron Rodgers looks like... a shell of himself... By Aaron Rodgers saying we're going to win ugly, he's getting out in front of the story so no one is drawing attention to the fact that he sucks now.

Zion Williamson is a Duke bust

Might be out for the whole year. Jesus Christ, dude. Bust. Fucking bust. Another Duke bust.

Lamar Jackson should sit out for three years to get a big contract

Should Lamar Jackson sit out the next three years of his career so he can get that big contract? No, we're going to NCAA if we're gonna bowl gamify. That's also NBA-ify three seasons of the NFL's Anthony Davis being like 'I want to be traded now' even though I still have [time] playing under contract.

The decline in high school bullying is making kickers mentally weak

I actually think that the decline in bullying is making high school kickers more mentally weak... They're not able to be bullied at a young age. Nature would say if you're a kicker, you should get bullied a little bit in high school. You should start to weather that storm that way when you get to the NFL where you're getting death threats by strangers online, it's not affecting you as much because you got shoved in a locker when you were in ninth grade.

Elon Musk is just a front for Jeff Bezos

Elon Musk is just a front for Jeff Bezos because his Cybertruck was one of the funniest things I've ever seen... when people talk about Elon Musk doing stupid shit, they forget about Jeff Bezos.

NBA games were manipulated by refs based on points of emphasis, not by direct point shaving

Fixing games. I mean, some people think that I went out there and put Shaquille O'Neal to the bench or LeBron James to the bench so that some of these bets won. That's really not what happened. I picked the games based on relationships that existed between referees and players, referees and coaches, and referees and owners, and what took place in the morning meetings with the referees and what was going to be called that night and how a team was going to be put at an advantage or disadvantage.

Officiating in the 2002 Lakers-Kings series was manipulated to ensure it went to Game 7

Definitely manipulate it when you talk about Dick Bavetta at the in 2002... the famous Lakers Sacramento Game 6. He openly said to a lot of us that he was the NBA's go-to guy. He was put on Game 6s to make sure they went to a Game 7 and that was one of the most fucked up games in the history of the NBA.

55 out of 58 NBA referees were gambling in violation of their contracts

Then [David Stern] did an investigation and found out 55 out of 58 NBA referees were gambling, going to casinos, betting on football, betting on golf, couldn't fire everybody, and immediately started to backtrack that whole thing.

Jeffrey Epstein is alive and the Clintons used Hillary's brother's body as a decoy

The newest Jeffrey Epstein theory out there, he's not dead He's Alive and the clintons used Hillary's brother... who died six months ago as the body for Jeffrey Epstein which they never did a DNA test.

The Falcons will win outright against the Saints

My platinum six star under... Falcons are going to be scoring a lot. They're going to win the game.

James Harden plays worse in cities with high-quality strip clubs

A person on Reddit did a deep dive... and came to the conclusion that if James Harden is in a city with an above-average strip club, he has a bad performance on the court... Credit to him for doing the research. And it shows a statistical correlation.

Jameis Winston is a future Hall of Famer

I'm a Jameis believer now. I think Jameis is going to be a Hall of Fame quarterback. He has all the makings for it. He has a bunch of advanced statistics... Jameis Winston is the unluckiest quarterback of all time. He commits turnovers at the worst possible times just out of pure luck.