Takes

The door is not closed on Tom Brady unretiring

I noticed after he said that Tom Brady said, 'well, never say never. We'll see how I feel in six months.' So Tom Brady might come back. It's the door's not closed.

James Harden seemingly wants a trade out of Brooklyn

James Harden seemingly wants out. James Harden has a very serious injury that's not at all made up. I just want James Harden to get fat again.

Home runs will increase in MLB because they stopped testing for steroids

My cool throne are yobbos, dingers, home runs, whatever you want to call them. Because for the first time in 20 years, Major League Baseball is stopping testing its players for steroids.

Tony Romo is a great broadcaster because he has broad marketing crossover that appeals even to non-fans

I think he does a great job. I really do. I'll tell you who loves Tony Romo: my wife. If I have to sit down with my wife, I only get about two quarters of football a weekend. And if Tony Romo is calling it, my wife will actually come into the room and like pay attention to it. I think from a marketing standpoint, I think he crosses over.

It is detrimental to your soul to root only for the Jets

I'm a Jets fan and it's, it's just impossible to only root for the Jets. It's not a possibility cause there's no, listen... it would be detrimental to your entire mindset to your person. If you just sat down and watched two quarters a day, that sounds like a punishment.

Tom Brady should have admitted he got lucky on the Tuck Rule in the 30 for 30

I was watching over her shoulder and Tom Brady... he's sitting on a couch with Charles Woodson. And they actually pull a football out and you can see they're talking about the Tuck Rule... why wouldn't he just say, 'Hey Charles, you know what? You're right. It was a crap call, man. It was, I'm not sure that we deserve that.' Give the satisfaction to someone else.

Premature ejaculation is an evolutionary advantage for humans

It's actually genetically and evolutionary speaking, I think it's better to be a premature ejaculator. Cause you get to like pregnancy, pregnancy, pregnancy. Right? But when you're in like a relationship, you want everyone to be satisfied.

Christian McCaffrey and the Carolina Panthers are dead to me in Fantasy Football

Carolina Panthers. Nothing. Yeah. I like that. So Chris McCaffrey officially dead to you now. He is dead to me. You know? What's so funny when I auto drafted him... I said to myself, he's going to get injured... So never Carolina Panthers.

The Cowboys are depressing to watch and need to 'sage the place' to fix their vibes

The Cowboys are depressing to watch now. I cannot watch them. They have some bad, it's a bad vibe on them. They need to Sage that place. They have everything that you would need on offense, but something doesn't work. They need to Sage it.

Chargers fans are the 'Yacht Rock' of NFL fanbases

Chargers fans are like the yacht rock of fans. You go to that stadium? No one's in like boots, like ready to fight. No, one's like, it's like, everyone's in flip-flops everyone's high... It's literally, it's the yacht rock of NFL teams. It's such a pleasant experience. Charger fans and I it's just like, it's like a Michael McDonald song. It's just like, it's smooth, man. It's smooth.

The Jackass crew is the peak of American culture

They are to me... I know people will say, this is like a sad statement. They're like the peak of like American culture to me. Like, I love everything about them. I think they're so fucking funny... it's like, it's genius. Everything about it is genius.

The world would have more in common if everyone sat down and watched Jackass together

I still to this day... I think that you could take Jackass, you could show it to ISIS and they would laugh their balls off. They would, it would actually bring the world together. If we could just have a set aside two hours where everybody in the world sits down and watch Jackass, and we'd be like, you know what? We got a lot more in common than maybe we thought.

The absolute core of Jackass is just guy friendship and dudes hanging out

We talk about jackass, like it's at the, at the absolute core of it. It's just like guy friendship. Like it's dudes hanging out. Yeah, they do extreme shit. But like who hasn't been hanging out with friends like, oh he shit himself. Or he did this. Like, oh, that's hilarious. You sit there and you're laughing and crying... and that's jackass.

Jackass Forever should be nominated for an Oscar for the joy it gives the world

Give Jackass an Oscar. Yeah. There's one of Nobel peace prize. It's ridiculous that those Hollywood phoneys have not given Jackass an Oscar yet. It should at least be nominated because the amount of joy that they've given to the world, it kicks the shit out of every other director.

My cross-country road trip changed my life

It unlocked something in my brain that I don't think will ever go away. We just discover a lot about myself, which... [the road trip] saved, it changed my life.

Five years is the official amount of time for a meme to become funny again

It's the perfect time for it to come full circle. Cause we've, we've predicted, we've had this conversation off air many times. Like when do you think Harambe jokes are going to be funny again? I think five years is now officially the amount of time when something can become fun again.

Athletes only get into fights at 'nightclubs,' never at 'bars'

Have you ever noticed that when it's an athlete getting into a bar fight, it's always a nightclub. Yeah. And it's never like, they never just say like at a bar it's like at, at a local nightclub establishment.

Coach K is a hypocritical fraud for refusing halftime media interviews

Whoa. Are you, are you just realizing now that huge [hypocrite] fraud? Well, no. Jake is just realizing now because it's about halftime interview with the media. He never does halftime because he plays, plays on the roof. That's crazy. Like I understand he's a legend for whatever, but just take the interview.

Mike McDaniel is the perfect personality to save Tua Tagovailoa's career

Dolphins hired a new head coach, Mike McDaniel. Watch that clip of his, he seems very media friendly guy, big personality. He's going to save Tua [Tagovailoa].

The NFC is wide open for the next few years

Tom Brady just retired. Aaron Rodgers may go to the AFC who the fuck knows where he's going to end up. Like the NFC is going to be wide open for a little bit.

The 2021 Bengals-Chiefs AFC Championship game reminds me of the 1988 Bills

I actually thought these Bengals, except they've now gone to the Super Bowl, reminded me of the 88 Bills. Like I wasn't sure they were going to get past Kansas city, but they've already announced we're here for awhile. Like we're really good.

Bert 'Be Home' Blyleven is my best nickname ever

Bert Blyleven cause that's 'Be Home' Blyleven. Because you don't have to see... a kid and you heard from your parents 'be home by 11.' And as a parent you've told your kid 'be home by 11.' You don't have to be a genius to figure these out. That's probably the best.

Joe Burrow can win the Super Bowl just two years after winning a National Title

Two years ago [Burrow] won the national title and now he can win the Super Bowl... he might win. It's crazy.

The Rolling Stones are the greatest rock band of all time

If you're asking me a rock and roll honest question would have to be the [Rolling] Stones. I just think I would, because they're still doing it. And the songs from the sixties, they still could come out today. They they're, you know, 'Under My Thumb'...

You can safely drive 70-80 MPH on icy highways as long as the road is straight

Thankfully, a lot of the highways going out into the south are straight... once we hit Ohio, which was mostly straight highway, you can still carry 70 to 80 miles per hour safely. Whereas going around the corners, we had to go like 50 miles. So with this ice, the big thing will be stopping. Not many two people are on the roads, so no one's going to stop short in front of us. So as long as we just cruise, we're going to make awesome time.

The NFL will force Stephen Ross to sell the Dolphins because match-fixing is the only thing owners will actually vote a peer out for

I think that they're going to force him [Stephen Ross] to sell the team. I think this is the only way that an owner could be forced to sell. Because owners have so many skeletons in their closet that they're never going to vote another guy out... But when you start involving like changing the outcomes of games and bribing coaches... I feel like this is a great excuse for owners to try to sell the team or try to vote them out.

The Washington Commanders name won't matter once the season starts

The team name, I think I said it on Wednesday's show, but, like, people get mad about it for 24 hours. No one, like, will remember it, care. Then football will be back, and we'll be like, who cares? It's not going to be – I don't think it makes or breaks anything.

Major Biden should be the animal mascot for the Washington Commanders

I'm hoping that since we're the commanders, which is the name of one of Joe Biden's dogs, the good one, Major Biden becomes the animal mascot. That'd be awesome to have him just patrolling the sidelines, biting the opponent, pissing and shitting all over himself. That's what I want.

Taylor Heinicke will continue to be successful because of his reckless, aggressive play style

You're never out of it when Taylor Heinicke is in the game... You have a very high fuck it quotient where you can see some bad shit out there, you can make a bad play, but the very next series you're going to go out there and you're going to do something equally as reckless. And usually it turns out good... You can't pick and choose when you're going to be aggressive. You're aggressive all the time, which I loved watching this year.

I proved I am durable enough to be an NFL starting quarterback

The big thing for me this past year was the big question mark was, is he durable enough to get through a whole season? And I think I checked that box off this year, and that was huge for me.

Terry McLaurin is easily a top 10 receiver in the NFL

I think that Terry McLaurin is easily a top 10 receiver in the NFL. Some of the catches that he was making this year were just unreal. The guy doesn't drop balls. It's insane.

Fresh Skyline Chili is absolute gas and tastes like Mediterranean food

Skyline is actually fire... Didn't have Skyline from Cincinnati before. I had it from the cans and I didn't really like it. Got some fresh Skyline. It's absolute gas. It kind of tastes like Mediterranean food. Literally. Like the chili gives off like – hero [gyro] vibes.

The ACC is rigged and the referees are bullshit

Also, my Fyre Fest is the ACC refs are fucking bullshit. ACC's rigged. I'm going to get an investigation. What they did to Louisville on Tuesday night will not stand. So I stand with Louisville and all the people who are angry about that game.

Bruce Arians is one of the few coaches doing the Rooney Rule the right way

I wanted to give credit to Bruce Arians for being a guy that I think we need more of, guys who will hire minorities and then proactively be like hey you have to interview this guy you have to give him a shot... I think that's really the only way is to just have more people that aren't just like in the old boys club.

Tom Brady will sign a one-day contract to retire as a New England Patriot

He is going to New England. He is signing a one-day Patriot contract. There is going to be a ceremony.

Tom Brady's retirement is a '3D chess' move to eventually return to the Patriots

Tom Brady unretires, comes back, plays for the Patriots, and that's why he's not thanking the Patriots yet... This is 3D chess. He's using this to go back to the Patriots because the Buccaneers, he doesn't think, can take him to another Super Bowl. But the Patriots could.

No starting quarterback will ever touch Tom Brady's record of seven Super Bowl wins

Seven Super Bowls will not — I'm going to safely — I really do not think that will be touched by a starting quarterback.

I'm betting on Matt Ryan and the Falcons to win the NFC South next year

I think we, as a group, should do a group bet on one more year, Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons winning the South. Because that's a disaster of a division now.

The Washington Commanders is a perfectly boring name that fans will eventually accept if the team wins

If you win games, people will be fine with it. It's a perfectly boring name. It's almost like a perfect name for a new NFL franchise if you were starting a brand new one, where it's just so bland that you almost forget about it after you hear it.

The MLB season will inevitably be delayed due to lack of progress in labor meetings

The MLB and the Major League Baseball Players Association made little progress in their latest meeting, and a delay to the upcoming season feels inevitable.

Stephen Ross should be removed from the league if he truly offered Brian Flores money to lose games

He also says that Stephen Ross, the owner of the Miami Dolphins, offered to pay him $100,000 for every loss during the 2019 season to help the team get a better draft spot... If this is true... Roger Goodell should probably get Stephen Ross out of the league, right?

We can drive from New York to Cincinnati through a massive snowstorm in one night because we are road warriors

I think in order to get off to a good start, we have to... We drive into the storm. We're not soft like that. We're going through the storm, and it's going to be sick. I'm saying we gun it first night, not stop in Pittsburgh. Just go straight to Cincinnati. I'll drive it. If you're not ready to be a road warrior, then I don't know. We're in a Chevy Silverado. It's one of the safest trucks.

The Bengals' defensive discipline in the second half was the key to beating Patrick Mahomes

Both games that we beat [Mahomes], we settled in in the second half and kind of just played our game, just kept them in the pocket, not trying to make huge plays and let them cover in the back end and stop those scrambles that really are dangerous and like back-breaking plays. We were able to eliminate those, and that really was the difference, I think.

The 2021-22 Bengals are a team of destiny

I mean, you said team of destiny. I feel like we're a team of destiny.

The speed of the Super Bowl is uniquely fast and will shock the players

You've got to get ready because people are just going to tell you for the next two weeks that the Super Bowl is really fast. So let us be the first to tell you that, that the speed of the Super Bowl is crazy. You're going to be shocked when you see it.

Evan McPherson is the second-best kicker in the NFL behind Justin Tucker

I do think that he's the second-best kicker in the league behind Justin Tucker right now.

I will get both my big toenails removed if Trevor Lawrence doesn't reach an AFC Championship on his rookie contract

I'm so confident that Trevor Lawrence isn't a bust. If they don't make the AFC Championship on his rookie contract, I will get... five years... I will come up wherever we're recording. I will go [get] both of my big toenails removed.

It's impossible for a quarterback with long hair to win the Super Bowl

We've discussed all the time on this show. You can't win a Super Bowl if you're a quarterback with long hair.

Liver King is a low-key business genius for selling organ meat

Liver king low-key a business genius... because he's figured out how to sell, he's a rancher, he's figured out how to sell the one part of cattle that was the hardest to sell, organ meat.

37 is the saddest birthday for an adult

I'm comfortable in 37. I'm old I'm washed. Who cares? 37 is in terms of the birthday scale. It ranks at the very bottom. The saddest birthday, really nothing burns.