Takes

Carson Wentz should fake a knee injury to preserve his career and sit out the rest of the season.

If I were Carson Wentz, I would just fake an injury right now. I'd take the coward's way out... and be like, oh, my knee, it hurts. Oh, I have COVID. And just be like, next year we'll start fresh.

The Bears should trade for Carson Wentz if they remain stuck in quarterback purgatory next season.

If you're a team like the Bears that's going to be in purgatory that doesn't have a starting quarterback that also is not going to get a top 10 pick, then yes, Carson Wentz is your ideal solution next year.

Will Fuller's ability to stay healthy this season is direct proof that he was using performance-enhancing drugs.

The only season that Will Fuller hasn't had his hamstring fall off... he's got to be taking something. Right, of course. This is absolutely why he wasn't injured.

Bill Walton's commentary only works at 11:00 PM; he is 'exposed' during daytime games

The problem is it's in the middle of the day. Bill Walton is exposed when he's in the middle of the day. It's usually 11 o'clock at night... and it's pretty much just you and Bill Walton. Right now, the whole world's kind of watching because it's sports during the day... we've got to get him off of this daytime slot.

A boxing match between me and Jake Paul makes perfect financial sense as a promotion for the Barstool Sportsbook.

Hypothetically, we need to promote the Barstool Sportsbook app in a new state where it's launching. We do this event sponsored by the Barstool Sportsbook... all that sponsorship money pays for Jake Paul to make the fight worth it, dude.

Any non-athlete who appears on the Forbes 30 Under 30 list is likely a 'huge loser.'

Anyone that that is actually truly on a 30 under 30 list that isn't a professional athlete is probably a huge loser.

RG3 will absolutely get injured during his start for the Ravens against the Steelers.

RG3, we talked about this before the show. RG3 is absolutely going to get injured. I hope that he doesn't. But, I mean, I've never been so confident.

Fraser Fir is the only acceptable Christmas tree; do not buy Douglas Fir or Spruce

Bottom line is get yourself a Fraser fir. Don't go for Douglas fir. Don't let them talk you into a fucking spruce. Worst of all, go with a Fraser fir as a former Christmas tree salesman, I can tell you. Actually, no one's ever a former Christmas tree salesman. For life.

Using aluminum foil on a grill is a mistake because you lose the 'fire' flavor.

I like my steaks to stay juicy... but I've since been told that I need to sacrifice that to be able to get that true grill flavor. That was the last day I used aluminum foil ever.

The best movies must tickle your funny bone, tug on your heartstrings, and blow your mind

In my opinion the best movies do three things: tickle your funny bone, tug on your heartstrings, blow your mind... any time a movie kind of leaves you laughing and crying and kind of makes you think too – I mean, I don't know how you beat that.

World Chase Tag is a superior concept to Parkour and should be an Olympic sport

I want a sport where if you tag a guy, there you go. Where there's a winner and there's a loser... It's basically parkour, but with an element of tag. That's an Olympic sport... This sport, this tag sport, is ten times the sport of handball.

World Chase Tag is ten times better than Olympic handball.

This sport, this tag sport [World Chase Tag], is ten times the sport of handball. Ten times.

You cannot know if a relationship is a 'rebound' until it actually ends

I think you don't know that it's a rebound until afterwards. In the middle of a rebound, it just feels cool... so a rebound could always be just a put-back dunk until you hit the ground. So you haven't hit the ground just yet, so it's impossible to know how to score it.

The Bears looked like a more competent offense with Mitchell Trubisky compared to Nick Foles

They looked like a competenter offense. I don't want to say competent, but they, I don't know, there's something about Mitch. I think maybe it's just the fact that he looks alive when he plays quarterback. Whereas Nick Foles, when he's back there, sometimes he just looks like a corpse. So they appear to be slightly better.

The Bears should take a year off from football

I'd be cool if the Bears just not playing football anymore. Just implode the team. Stop the count. No, I want them to exist, but maybe take one year off.

The NFL should stop putting the Bears in primetime

I think I speak for America when I say the Bears playing in one of the primetime slots needs to end. Next year when the schedule comes out, you give us that fucking one Thursday game early in the season, the Jacksonville Jaguars rule, give us that Thursday game, and then be done with it. No more Bears in primetime.

I would bet against the Colts in the playoffs because they are the quintessential 'everything has to be perfect' team

Remind me to please bet against the Colts in the playoffs. Because they are the quintessential everything-has-to-be-perfect team. They have to play from a lead. They have to protect Phillip Rivers. They've got to be able to run the ball, which they weren't able to do pretty much any of those things today.

The Washington Football Team's strategy is to wait for every other QB in the NFC East to get hurt

I think the Washington football team's strategy is starting to finally come to full fruition here. It is essentially like pass the ball five yards down the field with Alex Smith and then wait for every other quarterback in the NFC East to get hurt. And that's the strategy, and it's now we're two-thirds of the way there.

The Giants job is one of the best in the NFL because of Justin Herbert

I would actually throw out there that the Chargers job is probably going to be one of the top jobs out there, simply by the fact that Justin Herbert looks for real... You have the recipe for a championship window. The quarterback on his rookie deal, who in the next couple years could be a bona fide guy.

The 2020 season is Bill Belichick's best coaching job ever

Remember I told you this take a few weeks ago? I do think it's coming. Is this Bill Belichick's best coaching job? It might be. This actually is Bill Belichick's best coaching job.

The Cardinals are soft and might miss the playoffs

I don't know what to make of the Cardinals. I think they stink. I'm now in the Cardinals stink. I'm sick of hearing about the Cardinals and being like, I think they're soft... I think they're not going to make the playoffs.

The Saints are actually better against the spread without Drew Brees

Drew Brees has missed seven games in the last two years. The Saints are 7-0, but more importantly, they are 7-0 against the spread... Statistics don't lie.

Kyle Shanahan is an elite coach who owns Sean McVay

Kyle Shanahan owns Sean McVay. Four in a row against Sean McVay. Sweep this year when he's got no one to play. Kyle Shanahan is such a good fucking coach... He has them ready to go, scheming them up. He's got a million injuries... Doesn't matter. They're competitive, and he owns Sean McVay.

Patrick Mahomes could throw for 4,000 yards in a single game if he really tried

Tony Romo started to joke around saying that Tyreek Hill could have 1,000 yards receiving in a game. I actually think that Patrick Mahomes could throw 4,000 yards over the course of a game.

The Raiders' defense is hot garbage

The Raiders' defense is hot garbage. I mean hot garbage. Hot garbage like straight out of the microwave. And you know that... Defensively, they ain't going nowhere with that bull jump, man.

The Falcons should hire Rex Ryan to take over their defense

Honestly, man, if they could somehow convince a guy like Rex Ryan to come out and take over the defense, they would be phenomenal. You need a real defensive mind to do something with that defense. That's the kind of guy that you need.

Derrick Henry would have never 'stiff-armed' me the way he did Josh Norman

I told [Henry] that had he and I played against each other, I would have formed tackled him... When I really told him that he would have never done me like Josh Norman. Because we would have never got in that situation.

If I were guarding Tyreek Hill one-on-one, he would have zero catches and zero yards

No, no, no. You can't even ask me that. I'm primed. He doesn't beat you deep. Tyreek Hill, zero catches, zero yards. I got three jackets in the closet, and I didn't buy either of them.

Tom Brady doesn't look good in Bruce Arians' offense

He really needs to let Tom be Tom. Let him go out there and do his thing... Bruce Arians, the great quarterback team's coach, in the first year, all of them had at least 15 picks... That's not good management of an offense... Tom doesn't look good.

I would fuck up Jake Paul in a fight 100%

I will fuck up Jake Paul 100%. He's small. He's 5'7 at the tallest. I looked at a picture of him next to Dave Portnoy, and they were the exact same height... I have a bigger reach than Jake Paul. I would totally be able to pick him out from the outside.

Tom Brady cannot play well in games that start after 8 p.m.

I'm starting to believe the theory that Tom Brady cannot play after 8 p.m. at night. [PFT: I really do think this is true.] And as the game goes on, he gets worse. That interception that he threw in the third quarter... looked like Jameis Winston interceptions.

The Buccaneers are a team full of names rather than a cohesive football team

It feels like they have a team full of names and not a football team. You know what I mean? They have some great players, but as a cohesive football team, sometimes it's looked bad against really good opponents.

The Rams are a Super Bowl winning threat because of their matchup advantages

I've been talking about the Rams being a team that I put a future on them to win the Super Bowl like three weeks ago. I think they are a matchup problem for a lot of teams.

The media will start blaming Antonio Brown if the Buccaneers struggle

If the Bucs struggle, they're going to start saying that Antonio Brown, what you get on the field isn't worth what you lose in the locker room. Because – now, I don't fully believe that, but – I do think there's a point where you might have too many weapons.

The winner of Washington vs. Dallas will win the NFC East

I predict the winner of this game [Washington vs Cowboys] wins the NFC Beast.

The Steelers will kill the Ravens on Thanksgiving

The Ravens got the cocoa. The Steelers don't. The Steelers are going to kill them. We thought the Ravens had a chance, but now it's no.

The Washington Football Team's number one pass defense ranking is inflated because opponents stop passing in the second half

He [Russillo] was saying... there are some people out there in the media that don't actually know anything about football that keep saying that the Washington football team's pass defense is number one in the NFL... because it's teams that play us that are beating us that stop throwing the ball in the second half... Well, Ryan, you don't watch the game film... we're also No. 5 in yards per attempt.

Pat Fitzgerald is the most disrespected coach in America

I actually had a spin zone that you are the most disrespected coach in America... Pat Fitzgerald is a great coach and has a very good program, and people should recognize that... They are a good program that is consistently good, and you are a great coach, and people need to recognize that.

Gonzaga has the best potential to win the national title because of their multi-player talent

I think it might be [Gonzaga's year]. Gonzaga's going to be really good. I really do... They have like four guys who are the best player, and I love that because – Yeah, you get these situations that you only get with college sports where you pretend like the guy who's not that talented is actually the best player just because he dies on the floor for you.

Villanova's national championship teams are the blueprint for high-talent parity in college basketball

Gonzaga is more like the Villanova teams that won national [titles]... where it's like, yeah, is Jalen Brunson or Mikael Bridges the best player on the team? Omari Spellman, yeah. Or is it Dante DiVincenzo off the bench? That's like Gonzaga's feel this year.

Iowa will have the best offense and worst defense of the elite college basketball teams

Iowa is going to be the most fun team in the Big Ten... Iowa is going to try to score 100 points every single time they get on the floor. They're going to give up 93 probably every single game... They might have the best offense in the country, but of all the good teams, they might have the worst defense.

Michigan basketball is energized by the failures of the football program

Michigan's football season [will be more disappointing]. Michigan football sucking powers the basketball program. I really think there's something to that. The worse the football program does, the more people shit on Harbaugh by saying Michigan is a basketball school now, which is good because you're saying that to shit on Harbaugh, but what's happening is a real-life narrative is building that Michigan really is a really good basketball school.

Illinois has the highest ceiling and is the most likely Big Ten team to win a national title

Illinois is the team that is the most likely to win a national title, I think. That, now having said that, they could flame out, but like the, the ceiling, if we're talking like ceilings and floors, Illinois has the highest ceiling to me... I think Illinois is the team I'm the highest on in the Big Ten going into the season.

Rick Pitino will eventually become the head coach at Boston College

I'm calling my shot, is going to be Boston College. Because Boston College is about to fire their coach... It's a Catholic school. Iona's a Catholic school. Rick Pitino's a Catholic man. It all lines up. Old Big East ties. Boston College has like some, you know, they had the 1979 point shaving scandal. They have a little checkered past themselves.

UConn is a blue-blood mid-major

UConn is the only blue-blood mid-major we have in college basketball. I think that's what's so unique about them. They are simultaneously a blue blood, but also a mid-major.

The Pac-12 will finally be worth watching and exciting this season

In all seriousness, the Pac-12 will be worth watching... This is the first season in a long time, going into the season, I'm actually excited to watch Pac-12 basketball in a very long time.

Will Wade having a juggernaut team at LSU would break college basketball

The idea of Will Wade having a great team at LSU would break the college – like, it would just break college basketball. People would lose their – like, the old heads that cover college basketball would be beside – Pat Forde would just be in rage, writing column after column. Like, this is disgraceful what LSU has done.

Alabama will crush Auburn in the 2020 Iron Bowl

Iron Bowl. Alabama's going to fuck Auburn up. The stat I've been throwing out there... Nick Saban is 6-0 all-time against Auburn as 14 or more point favorites. So when he has them, he has them.

Bill Belichick always beats franchises that historically stink

I also think that Belichick is really good against teams that historically have sucked. Like, I'm always going to look at the Cardinals franchises: Oh, they'll always stink. There's no chance that they can beat Bill Belichick at home.

The Bears are a bad franchise and it is embarrassing to root for them

They're such a bad, bad team. Bad franchise. Fuck, man. It sucks... It's so painful. No one wants to see it... I wish their games were at fucking 3 in the morning. Honestly. On pay-per-view. So you have to choose to opt in to subject yourself to Bears games.