Takes

I would commit murder before I ever attempted to surf an 80-foot wave

Everything in the documentary [Magnetic] was something I would never in a million years do. I would murder someone before I surfed a 70-foot wave. Yeah, I would murder someone before I skied on a mountain that's never been touched by human feet in Pakistan.

I could kitesurf right now by just letting the wind do the work

I don't think windsurfing is at heart I said for those I don't think it's nice I just fucking hang on I said right here I think I could kitesurf yeah just let the wind do all the while I watch it I was like dude all you gotta do is listen up and then bring you down.

Extreme athletes are just Instagram models who get an adrenaline buzz instead of likes

There's no difference between these [extreme athletes] and Instagram models that go to famous locations and take pictures of themselves. These guys just get a sick buzz when they do it. They get a nice little stoke whenever they go down the mountain.

Theo Epstein is a genius for not trading Kyle Schwarber because he knew a 60-game season was coming.

Theo Epstein is a fucking genius. He knew that we were gonna have a pandemic and then a 60-game season and that's why I didn't trade Kyle Schwarber in...

Tom Brady is on the hot seat for leading workouts during the COVID-19 spike.

Tom Brady is on the hot seat... despite the NFLPA advising that players should not work out together, Tom Brady led another Bucs workout this morning...

Ben Roethlisberger's porn addiction admission is a genius move to distract from his real past

This was genius by him. Of course everything that he does is genius, right? Be like, I'm not talking about my real past. I'm talking about my porn. And yes, this is the androstenedione in the locker for Mark McGwire that Roethlisberger's bringing.

I call into question Kyle Shanahan's judgment knowing he has a Chris Simms tattoo on his calf.

Do you call into question [Kyle Shanahan's] judgment knowing that he has Chris Simms' initials tattooed on his calf? ... He tells a story about why they did it and it still doesn't make sense. I mean it just was a bad decision.

Hayden Hurst has every opportunity to take off with the Falcons this season.

You take a guy like Hayden Hurst for us... I think he ends up in Baltimore where for no other reason than they just ran the football down people's throat. He just didn't really get that many opportunities and I think him coming in for us has every opportunity to take off.

The Falcons are the team that no one is talking about that you should be on the lookout for this season.

I'm officially making the Falcons my team that no one's talking about that you should be on the lookout for next year. Do you always have to have one of those?

My nickname 'Matty Ice' is definitively from drinking Natty Ice, not from playing high school baseball.

It's definitely from Natty Ice. It had nothing to do with like playing one good baseball game or anything like that. It really started from in high school, just a bunch of idiots being like you got a bunch of Natty Ice beers and being like 'Matty Ice' sounds like 'Natty Ice' and let's go with that.

My dream postseason path would involve beating the Saints, the Eagles, and then the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Week one bye for sure... we'll beat New Orleans first round or divisional round, take out Philly in the championship game and then roll right in and play the Patriots and take out the Patriots in the Super Bowl... New Orleans and Philly would be the two for me.

The Popeyes chicken sandwich is better than Chick-fil-A

I think the Popeye's is better. Yes, it's a little bit bigger, it's a little crunchier. Popeyes is better but Popeyes also will set you back a little.

The Falcons will win 12 games in the 2020 season.

I'll get roasted for it, but I'm going to say we're going to win 12 games.

I currently consider myself the best quarterback in the NFC South.

I think currently I'll go with myself [as the best quarterback in the NFC South].

Boxing at the professional level is the most difficult sport in terms of coordination and stamina

Boxing on top. Yeah. Agreed. Because you could suck at all these sports pretty easily true. But some sports are more difficult to suck at... Boxing at the highest level, I think is the hardest difficulty in terms of everything that's involved: hand-eye coordination, fast-twitch muscles, stamina.

Hitting a baseball is the hardest single thing to do in all of sports

Hitting a round ball going a hundred miles an hour feels like it's harder than hitting a tennis ball with the racket. You always hear... the hardest thing to do in sports is to hit a baseball. I've heard it enough that I believe it.

It is easier to make the US Olympic handball team than it is to bowl a 300 game

What's harder to do: roll a 300 or make the US Olympic team handball team? Absolutely make the US Olympic handball team is easier than rolling a 300.

Rolling a 200 with two light beers and smokers around in a bowling alley is harder than rolling a 300 sober.

I would also say that rolling a 200 if you've had two light beers and you're around a bunch of people smoking cigarettes in a bowling alley is harder than rolling a 300 sober.

I'm starting to think the global pandemic was rigged so we would all be forced to watch soccer

I swear to God I'm starting to get to woke that this is all been rigged so that we all have to watch soccer... We're here, life is now just soccer with a little side of horse racing.

Jamal Adams is the new Antonio Brown of contract disputes

Dak Prescott and Jamal Adams to figure out whose contract is going to be... he is the new Antonio Brown. Not on the mental side, I'm talking about the fact that he is all convinced that he's a free agent when he's still got two years [left] that they can control his contract.

Joe Rogan is officially uncancellable

Twitter decided to go full send and I'm going to tip my cap to the cancel brigade because they went for the final boss, Joe Rogan, and failed... He is uncancellable because he would actually let's say that Twitter was able to get his contract with Spotify canceled, right? He would just take that wave of publicity, go back to what he was doing before and still make a shitload of money.

Every college football program is going to attempt to reach herd immunity to ensure the season happens

Pretty much every football program is having is going to go for herd immunity and it's good at we're gonna have a football season that just every team that already got it out of the way.

The city of Columbus should be renamed 'Flavortown'

The city of Columbus is has a petition now. Columbus obviously not a great dude in history. So we're cleaning up history and were replacing it with real American history and rename Columbus 'Flavortown' now. That would be sick.

Lacrosse is legitimate tribal warfare

Lacrosse is sick, like everyone is looking at Lacrosse wrong, like Lacrosse is just like legitimately trying Tribal Warfare in the mud... Tribal Warfare is back in form of Lacrosse.

The NFL shield logo hat is the dopest hat ever

There's no Team hat is their Championship hat nothing. Other than that NFL hat which by the way, I thought this is the dopest hat I've ever seen because I'd never really seen one other than on a ref.

Barry Bonds is the best baseball player of all time, regardless of steroids

Barry Bonds is the best baseball player of all time. I have no problems, I'm fine with it. I don't care if you want to throw in steroids, whatever you want to say. If you watched him in his prime, he was the best baseball player of all time.

Sign stealing is baked into the DNA of baseball; the Astros just took it to a different level with technology

If people get really really honest, sign stealing and that kind of low-level stuff is baked into the DNA of the game, but the institutionalized sign stealing with camera and once electricity becomes involved in the situation as ran into problem totally different thing.

Jose Altuve was clearly acting shady during his 2019 walk-off celebration

I remember watching it... and Going something's and this is before any of the there was even a whiff of the cheating scandal and I thought something was really bizarre about his behavior after that walk off... Greatest moment of his career and he tells he doesn't want to take his shirt off because his wife is shy.

We need to end the stigma around men dyeing their hair

I want to get out there and let people know it's okay to dye your hair as long as you're honest about it. I have gray I get the grades around the temple... Let's end the stigma. I dye my hair and I'm not ashamed of it.

Every man should try to be the best version of himself, including skincare and manicures

I believe that every guy should try to be the best version of themselves. Not just with how they look but with everything manicure and pedicure... you know I started a men's skincare line because their egos... guys need to take care of the skin.

Watching Tom Brady suck at golf during 'The Match' made him more relatable

I think it was interesting to watch superstar athletes like Tom Brady suck at something. I think a lot of people enjoyed watching Tom Brady really stink it up for the first few holes and it kind of made him a little bit more relatable.

Monday Night Football has lost its sense of occasion and gone to the dogs

For whatever reason they've let Monday Night Football go to the dogs and it's been that way for a while... Five six seven seasons, they don't have the cameras. They don't have coverage... There's no sense of occasion. They're literally telling you this is Monday and this is football, but you feel like you're watching a game that could be on any day anywhere.

The Cristiano Ronaldo statue should be taken down because he looks like an 'emaciated seagull'

The Cristiano Ronaldo's statue... where he looks like... an emaciated seagull. Let's take down that statue.

LeBron James intentionally sat out the end of the 2019 season because he was tipped off about COVID early

You remember that picture of LeBron James staying at the end of the bench far away from his teammates... knowing what we know now about LeBron James is financial ties to the Chinese government do you think he got tipped off ahead of time and was like hey I got to stay away from people so much that I'm going to try to send them all to New Orleans?

The Mets should either fully commit to using the word 'fuck' in their branding or not use it at all; 'LFGM' is a half-measure

You got to either own it or not. Don't give me the 'F' go all the way just to emphasize anything. If you're going to say it, say it. Either fucking say it or don't... If you know the f-word is so vulgar and inappropriate that it must hide behind its initial, why use it?

Shitty sports columnists like Phil Mushnick make sports more fun

We need shitty columnists. Shitty columnists make sports more fun while they're trying to make it less fun. Every time I see [Phil Mushnick's] column pop up online it's always for the same reason, which is this column sucks ass, but you know what, he's out there doing it.

Peyton Manning never beat Florida while at Tennessee

Peyton Manning national championships at Tennessee zero... Also I beat Florida once. He never beat Florida people forget [Peyton Manning] never beat Florida.

The MLB players' 'When and Where' social media campaign was a genius PR move that successfully shifted blame onto the owners

Credit to the players because they're genius. The players have played this so perfectly because the 'when and where' tag that they all were tweeting just puts it all on the owners. Like they're ready. They're ready to play. You cannot blame them.

George W. Bush should have been the Commissioner of Baseball

There was a writer who suggested that they bring George W. Bush back to be the commissioner of baseball, which I think should have been his job from the get-go. He should have never gotten the ball. He should have just he would have dominated being a commissioner of baseball. There have been no fucking tie in an All-Star Game, there have been no lockout if George W. Bush was commish.

Every real meal must include meat

I just think you need to have meat if you're eating a meal. There has to be meat. I'm trying to think of what meal I would eat without meat... mac and cheese I think is better without meat, but every single meal is better with meat.

Cheese pizza and mac and cheese are essentially the exact same thing

I just realized it cheese pizza and mac and cheese are essentially the exact same thing. Correct? So is yeah given to you differently cooked harder.

Ages 21 through 26 are the 'prime stains' years for a man's clothing

I would expect that at 23 years old, you would have some just random stains on you... I'd say if you're 23, I would expect that to. It's like 21 through 26 is that's Prime stains.

Social distancing is great because it eliminates the possibility of the 'awkward white guy dap'

I actually don't mind this new normal because one it eliminates the possibility of the awkward white guy dap, which is huge. And two, you don't have to worry about getting caught in between like a handshake and like a pat on the back... the idea of saying like 'hey, I'm [PFT]'... and you're just standing like 7 feet away from each other... it just sucks.

NBA 'Oura' rings prove that the wealthy have access to secret medical technology

Why doesn't everybody have a titanium ring that will tell you 3 days in advance if you're going to get [the virus]? It essentially confirms what we all knew but didn't fully know that rich people just have medicine and technology that the rest of us can't have access to that will keep them alive forever.

It is a waste of energy to try to explain a streaming career to people who don't already understand it

I stopped giving a fuck a long time ago... I don't want to explain it. I don't want to talk to you about it. I just want to lay in bed with my dog and my cat and my girl... and everybody leave me the fuck alone. I've had so many of those conversations that I've realized it's a waste of energy. You're not going to get anywhere.

Coaches leaving Michigan to coach at Ohio State is an act of betrayal

You got coaches from that locker room leaving there and going to coach at Ohio State. I know back in the day that it would never fucking happen. It's like betrayal... every man has a rivalry and there's so much that went into that.

A gorilla would beat a grizzly bear in a fight if it could make a weapon

I would agree with [the grizzly bear] unless the gorilla is in an environment where he can learn to make weapons... I'm gonna leave the guns next to him right before the fight... One in the Chamber... guess who's closer to human? Gorilla.

A grizzly bear would easily defeat a gorilla because of its massive weight advantage

I researched this very intensely and a gorilla can only get up to like 300 or 400 pounds. Whereas a grizzly bear can get up to 1,500 pounds depending on the subspecies... get the big grizzly bear... the Kodiak bear can get up to 2,000 pounds.

Wisconsin and Michigan are currently the exact same football program because neither can win a big game

I just think Wisconsin and Michigan are the same school now in terms of football... you guys never win a big game. You've been to Indianapolis? You never have. Because you don't play anybody over there.

The triplets from 'Three Identical Strangers' definitely had a foursome together on the night they met

They went out that night and they definitely looked at each other with like a knowing glance and a giggle and they're like, 'yeah, we're going to have a foursome.' ... they had the ultimate gimmick going which is we're triplets that like to get after it.