Takes

Opening a bar with your best friend is the quickest way to end the friendship

Most stories that take a turn start with the sentence 'and then we opened a bar together.' It's like, and then we opened a bar together and everything in our life like as friends as brothers went downhill. If you want to hate your best friend, open a bar with him.

Tearing twins apart at birth causes permanent psychological separation anxiety

I think the reason they didn't open up the study is that they realize that by tearing twins apart actually made them crazy. Remember when they said they had separation anxiety? I think that's what they found out... you tear apart two twins they get fucked up from it.

MLB owners should take a financial loss this season to save the sport's long-term future

The owners will be making money forever. If they had any kind of foresight, the idea here would be take a loss this season but save the baseball season and dominate the ratings. This is the Long play: lose some money this year, but keep baseball going... instead they're taking the short-term approach, the dumb approach.

A 50-game MLB season will result in an asterisk for whoever wins the World Series

I think we're all resigned to the fact that it's going to be 50 Game season, which will result in an asterisk on whoever wins this world series unless it's the Nationals or the Cubs or the Red Sox.

I want to buy a Wiffle ball league and become the Vince McMahon of Wiffle ball

I want to buy a wiffle ball leak and I watched probably three hours of this Wiffle ball league in Michigan... I want to be the Vince McMahon and Wiffle ball and and bring them all together and make a national Wiffle ball league because you know what? I actually think Wiffle ball could just be the new sport.

The lack of sex in the NBA bubble will lead to technical fouls and 1980s-style physicality

What if the just like rate of technical fouls and physicality of the game goes way way up because nobody's having sex inside the bubble? That would be great for us it be young back to real and be returned to the 80s and be a when men were men.

Banning alcohol on flights will lead to a 'sucking and fucking' season on airplanes

It sounds like [flight attendants] are not even patrolling the aisle anymore, so it's going to be sucking and fucking and drinking season.

Chuba Hubbard's protest marks a major power shift where college players finally realized their leverage

When [Chuba] came out and said that I'm not going to play... that to me was a major major shift in power in college football. Because he said that his team was lined up behind him. And if enough players were to say something like that... they have a shitload of power.

Stephanie Cmar will win Top Chef Season 17 because of the judge's reaction in the trailer

In the preview for the finale, they have Padma awarding the winner and saying congratulations you are top chef, but people have gone back and rewound it and they can tell by her inflection that she's genuinely surprised to be awarding it to this person. So now the internet is thinking the betting odds have shifted that it's going to be Stephanie... my money is on Stephanie.

Tom Brady in a Buccaneers jersey makes him look like a Sith Lord villain

Me personally I think that him in the Buccaneers Jersey makes him look like a total villain because it's just the color schemes like big like Sith Lord Vibes... he went from blue and red which is like you know like I feel like Synergy good Jedi and then it's like Sith Lord but that's just me.

I want to create a giant mutant species of bullfrog using CRISPR technology

So African bullfrogs really cool... he sells these Gene I think it's and it's for frogs. So he does it on like home lab frogs... we could This frog which is already giant. We could make it even bigger. if I were Jack Ewing... Can we just I am backing to make a mutant frogs Yeah, but it's totally legal with science.

I can grow an incredible ponytail to help get NFL GMs interested in me again

I'll work on it. I could probably grow a ponytail. I mean the sides of my head grow pretty rapidly... Can you imagine that ponytail hanging out of the back of the helmet?

We should market Blake Bortles as the 'anti-COVID' quarterback who is immune to the virus

We just market you as the quarterback who will not get COVID this year. So that way if there's a last-minute substitute needs to happen on a Saturday... pick up the Blake phone. He's cured of this and doesn't have it and he's ready to go and he's not going to affect anybody else.

If Ben Roethlisberger is healthy enough to play, he will always be a beast

I know if he can play, he can go. I've seen it a couple of times and he just continued to play on. Most of the time he plays through it all. He's really a beast.

Marquise Pouncey is the ultimate teammate who will ride for his guys regardless of the situation

Not the only thing we know, [Pouncey] is going to ride regardless of the situation. Whatever it is, he's the ultimate teammate.

Mitch Trubisky is going to come out fired up and perform well this season

I know [Trubisky's] work ethic. I know what he's about to do. So he's going to come out fired up. I'm telling you, you've got a franchise quarterback in Mitch Trubisky.

A girl taking forever to get ready is actually a positive for guys

Taking forever to get ready to go out... as soon as you like as you get older you realize like the timing of things and that's just free time. that's a rain delay that you get for going out that's you know what that time is that sit on the couch and refresh Twitter every two seconds right and not have to feel bad about not feel that at all.

ESPN's 'Long Gone Summer' documentary stunk because it taught us nothing new

The long-gone summer stunk. It was impressive in the fact that it was a two hour long documentary that taught me absolutely nothing new. It will have—that's a—I've never sat down and watch which should be like a detailed look at an era where they—there were no new facts. It was a YouTube compilation with some Radio Calls.

The 'Long Gone Summer' documentary was really just a Mark McGwire film with Sammy Sosa in a supporting role

Other than that it was the Mark McGwire documentary with a small part supporting role of Sammy Sosa which was weird because Sammy was equally as electric obviously.

Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, and Roger Clemens should all be in the Hall of Fame

Everyone was doing it one, you can't tell me that Barry Bonds isn't a fucking Hall of Famer or Sammy Sosa isn't a fucking Hall of Famer, Roger [Clemens]—like all these guys should be in the Hall of Fame.

Kyrie Irving is right that the NBA's return could distract from the Black Lives Matter movement

The thing I don't understand—I actually Kyrie's statement, I actually kind of agree with. Like his point is if you're—if we're pushing for something to radically change, the one thing you don't want to allow is for people to be like, 'can we just get back to normal?' because like when you're back to normal, it's easy way of just saying, 'Oh well, like we'll deal with that later.'

There is a 75% chance the NBA season will be completed

What would you guys say chances that they play the NBA season? 75%.

The 2020 MLB season is going to be 50 games long

Baseball seems like it's gonna be 50 games.

The world will end on February 10, 2045

The world's going to end—January? No, it's going to be after the Super Bowl, February 10th. When? 2045. Okay, that's my prediction... on my 80th birthday. 2045, I'm gonna go out with a prostitute and a bad batch of heroin. Boom.

I survived COVID-19 because my immune system is strong

My immune system's pretty strong, not to brag. I body diseases pretty easily. You did survive Coronavirus. I did. Yeah.

For many players, using steroids was simply a 'business decision'

This is a business decision and you've got to—you got to—you got to think about a few things here... am I okay with being able to look the man in the mirror... look my friends, family, fans, whatever. Can I look them in the eye and be okay with making that decision? And if at the end of the day, you can check all three of those boxes, that's a business decision regardless of who's in front of you.

MLB owners are stalling to play the smallest amount of games possible in 2020

We're going to play games so that we can get the TV money, but we're going to play the smallest amount possible. Because this is all about a business decision from the owners' perspective. So we're going to play the minimum available. 50 games.

Managing will be more important than ever in a 50-game season

This will be interesting because this will probably be the hardest season for a manager and the most that managing will come into play a game to game because like you said, first sign of trouble we got to win this game. It's not going to be like a Sunday in the middle of July where you hey, we can let's get the fuck out of Cincinnati we can lose this game and recoup tomorrow.

A player could hit .400 in a shortened 50-game season if they just practiced bunting every day

You need to shitcan BP and you need to just be wearing out the left side, like just play pepper all day long. You hit .400. You want to hit .400 in this 50-game season? That's how you hit .400, bro. You wear out the left side.

African bullfrogs are the only frogs with teeth

African bullfrogs, too, called pixie frogs on the market... Can we let it loose in here? They're the only frog with teeth. They have teeth, yeah. It's awesome.

I'm genuinely happy that Chase Stokes and Madelyn Cline from 'Outer Banks' are dating in real life

John B and Sarah Cameron dating in real life. Yes. Fuck. Yes. That is so hot. That's awesome. Oh fuck. Yes. All right. I need all the Deets on that... Chase Stokes and Maddie in real life. According to—get stoked—Ria's already—Ria's where's my heart is about to burst.

PFT Commenter will finally beat Hank in a ping-pong match

Tuesday tuned in, we're going to go dogs at three stool streams. PFT, I think PFT's going to win. I'm hear he's going to win ping-pong against Hank.

Brooks Koepka should keep his mustache forever

[Brooks Koepka] looks so good though, that mustache. I hope he doesn't shave it because he is one of those guys that if he committed to the mustache life, he could be a mustache guy forever.

Sports leagues should offer a 'Darren Rovell-free' broadcast option for extra money

Just give me a Darren Rovell free option and I'll pay extra for that. Right? Even if he wasn't going to be on the original cast, they could be like, hey extra $10 a week to watch Sunday Night Football with no Darren Rovell on. I'd be like, yeah, just to be safe. To make sure that he doesn't show up.

The NFL should let players protest so that it's no longer a protest

NFL is allowing them to protest so is the protest now to not protest? Well, I thought the hit protest like if someone says, hey go ahead and [protest], that's not protest. You have to now you have to now stand for the national anthem to protest the the ability like no you don't tell me what to do.

Paul Finebaum's take on Nick Saban running out of time is just a result of him having no other takes

Paul Finebaum has run out of takes so his take now is that Nick Saban is running out of time. Oh, like we all like he's on the downside of his coaching career. He's 69 and he's going to be 69 this year. So he's like, yeah, he's too old.

Authenticity is the key to comedy because real people are naturally weird

If you're authentic in your credible. People are funny. Anyway, right like you could if you're real people are weird like in real life people are just nuts. So you can if you telling you know, the story about someone's life and some lesson they learned or how they got through something hard if you take it seriously, it's still going to be funny.

Michael Jordan's 'Flu Game' pizza story is high comedy regardless of whether it's true

This brings us to the Michael Jordan eating a pizza during the NBA Finals question. What is funnier than that? Right? It's the the highest Stakes thing in the world... Whether it's eating a pizza or pretending to have eaten a pizza to cover up a mistake that's high comedy stakes. And what would the end of that movie be? Having the best game of your life while almost vomiting the entire time.

LeBron James is as professional and funny as actual actors on a movie set

Lebron showed up early every day knowing his stuff having his own comedic ideas about it... LeBron is here in this room with us and he's forced to talk to us like we're a bunch of comedy nerds... he's kicking ass.

Underappreciated comedies like 'Walk Hard' and 'Popstar' are often more enjoyable to look back on than blockbusters

Walk Hard is a movie that made very little money. I think it's one of the funniest ones of all the ones we did... That's our favorite thing when you know, something feels dismissed at the time and it seems to hold up ten years later... [Popstar] is another great one. It is always a bummer when you don't have the box office you were hoping for... but you want something to make people happy.

The best comedy characters start as 'brats' or 'terrible' people so they have room for growth

I feel like a lot of good comedy is people are terrible, they learn how to be less terrible... usually it is someone who's kind of a brat or acting out in some way. So I always think the worst the better in the beginning.

Lance Armstrong is the most self-centered and selfish person in the world

Does who the fuck is Lance Armstrong think he's fooling to be like remorseful without remorse... he's realize he's he's the most self-centered person I think I've ever ever seen like that's not really an exaggeration I think he's the most selfish person the world but he's reached the point in his life where he's had to confront what a dick that he's been in public.

Lance Armstrong is exactly like Pete Rose in how he only admits to what he's already been caught for

[Lance] actually reminds me a lot of Pete Rose in the way that he deals with things where he wants he's like caught red-handed he'll admit something and maybe he'll give you like a little bit past what you already know about right but then you ask them well what about all this other stuff and then he'll put up like one blocker but like no I never did that.

It is statistically more dangerous to be a spectator than a rider in the Tour de France

There have been 27 spectators that have died and three cyclists that have died [in the Tour de France]. So it's more dangerous to not ride in the Tour de France than it is to ride.

We have officially become the 'dads' of the podcast

I think what's happened here, you know when whenever you have a family right and there's that point in time when the 10-12 year old kids turn into teenagers and the dads start becoming the butt of every single joke... We are the dads now. We have become the dads. I'm getting roasted on Twitch. You're getting roasted by Hank and ping pong. Billy is just roasting me. Just mentally we are the dads.

Lance Armstrong single-handedly ruined the name 'Lance' for babies

I think Lance Armstrong probably killed the name Lance. Yeah, you know babies named Lance? Yes, yes. Lance is not a little kid's name. I feel like you name a fucking—that's the kid that you're like, I'm going to wait until I meet it and know its personality and it turns out to be real asshole.

Baseball fans who claim they are done with MLB are lying and will be back next summer

I see people saying that if baseball doesn't happen, they're going to lose me as a fan. How? I'm still going to—you gonna do next? I'm gonna be pissed off, don't get me wrong... But what are you going to do next summer? Like there's nothing you could—Hank's doing the crossing. I love when people make this Line in the Sand where like they lost me at '94, they're going to lose me again. What are you gonna do in July?

The biggest Drew Brees controversy is his refusal to acknowledge his grandmother's service

I still think the big controversy there is Drew [Brees] did not acknowledge his grandmother that may have served in other ways while his grandfather was overseas fighting the Nazis. This is kind of par for the course of Drew Brees, just ignoring his female family members.

Watching a golf tournament commentated by Darren Rovell, Danny Kanell, and Dude Perfect is like wishing for sports on a cursed monkey's paw

I saw that sports are coming back indeed in the form of a golf tournament this weekend, but the golf tournament is going to be commentated and narrated by the team of Darren Rovell, Danny Kanell, and Dude Perfect. I don't think you could have designed... I wished on sports to come back but I wished it on a cursed monkey's paw.

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure was as influential to 90s SportsCenter anchors as Step Brothers is to modern ones

I think that Bill and Ted was to Keith Olbermann as like Step Brothers is to Trey Wingo... the mid-90s SportsCenter anchors, they were dropping Bill and Ted references left and right.