Takes

I would love to watch a WNBA matinee game on a summer afternoon

I would especially love it if they had a game this afternoon a little matinee with the play in the summertime when kids go to camp. ... I would love to watch the Sky and Mercury.

Dan Wolken had the worst take of the year for laughing at LSU's hire of Ed Orgeron

Dan Wolken... tweeted in 2017: yesterday a college football coaches agent called me. He said LSU hired Ed Orgeron. We laughed for a few minutes. So good job, Dan that turned out to be the worst take ever. Who's laughing now bitch? Haha.

I will inject myself with coronavirus if they cancel March Madness

Right before 24 hours before they decided there was going to be no March Madness. I said I would inject myself with coronavirus if they cancel March Madness.

The Houston Astros will break the all-time record for hit-by-pitches during the 2020 season

Imagine if they [Astros] break the record for hit by a batter in a 60 game series like break the hundred and sixty two games. I think we can do it. I believe strongly enough in the unwritten rules of baseball.

Swag Kelly is the best quarterback of the 2017 draft class

[Swag Kelly] is the best quarterback of the 2017 draft 2018 draft. ... That was a terrible take by you remember you said that. [Big Cat: 'I love it.']

Clay Travis had the worst prediction of the year for saying COVID-19 deaths would not reach the thousands

Clay Travis... said I'd be surprised if we get into the thousands when talking about total coronavirus deaths in the U.S. however turns out he's actually right because there's 20 times more people that have been infected than not [sarcastic delivery].

Tom Brady's move to Tampa Bay is the only reason Rob Gronkowski returned from retirement

I think that the workload the Patriots wanted [Gronk] to do was higher than something at Tampa is going to have him do... if Tom Brady had stuck around in New England Rob Gronkowski probably still be retired.

Taking deferred money like Bobby Bonilla is a better deal than a lump sum payment.

Bobby Bonilla has an awesome contract... the more MLB TV rights deals start to come in, the more you're seeing players push off and say, 'yeah, I'll take some deferred money coming down the line.' It's a good deal. It's like when that scratch-off Millions for life or whatever it is... I would absolutely take a deal like that instead of giving me all the money straight up.

I would rather take $1 million a year for 25 years than $20 million upfront because I would spend the lump sum on jet skis.

If you were to say like, PFT, I'm going to give you either twenty million dollars on your 25th birthday or I'm going to give you a million dollars a year until you're 50, I'm absolutely taking the million until 50. Because if I'm 25, I'm just going to spend it like Billy Football would—just a shitload of jet skis, essentially just my own jet ski farm.

Deferred generational contracts like $50k a year for 75 years would just make your grandkids lazy pieces of shit.

What if you just got like fifty thousand dollars a year for the next like however long it be 75 years... all that would be ensuring is that your grandchildren are going to be like the laziest pieces of shit ever because they'll be like, 'I get my four thousand dollars a year coming in every July 1st. I don't need to get a job.'

The primary issue for NBA players in the Orlando bubble will be the lack of sex and groupies.

What's going to end up happening in my mind is... the big news today in the NBA as we finally have the elephant that's been in the room the whole time. Stephen A. Smith addresses it head-on and says it's going to be an issue with how horny everyone's getting trying to get out of the bubble to hook up... I was saying the real problem is we don't know the groupie situation.

Single NBA players in the Orlando bubble will receive letters in the showers telling them to stop masturbating because it's clogging the drains.

If you are a single NBA player and you're down inside that bubble for up to a month and a half maybe with no sort of release... there's gonna be those letters passed around like there were in every single college dorm, which ended up being fake, saying like we need you to stop masturbating because it's clogging up the showers.

There is a 100% chance the NBA season will happen exactly as scheduled in the bubble.

What percentage that there will be a full basketball like real... from exactly how they have it scheduled? A hundred percent. Because I'm not willing to doubt myself now. It's the only thing I've got pulling me forward to the end of the month. So call me delusional, call me insane, but I think it's a hundred percent going to happen.

The NBA will power through positive COVID tests and won't cancel the season unless LeBron is impacted.

I don't think they're going to be deterred by a couple positive tests. I think it's going to be weird. I think there's going to be guys that are going to miss time... but they're going to power through it. I think... at what point does Adam Silver say, 'Okay, we're canceling this whole operation?' At that point you're going to get all the conspiracy theories coming out and saying they're just canceling it because LeBron is not going to make the finals.

The US national debt is essentially just a Bobby Bonilla contract that we have with China.

How the national debt works is that... whatever we owe to China's like our bookie and they basically are saying we'd rather you just keep playing then try to collect all this money... We have a Bobby Bonilla contract with the nation of China right now. We owe them a certain amount of money... every single year, as long as we keep those it's going then we can keep betting against the spread.

Gambling on which celebrities or athletes will test positive for coronavirus should be a new sport.

They should let us start betting on these things. They should let us start betting on who tested positive and that will be its own sport... It's basically like watching reality television like Big Brother with celebrities and then the gamble is who will stay coronavirus free.

Tom Brady would never admit to having coronavirus because he drinks so much water it wouldn't affect him.

I'm putting all my money on Tom Brady because even if he gets it, he's not going to admit that he has it. And if he gets it, he's going to just—he drinks so much water that it's just not going to affect him. He wouldn't admit that he had it... and he'd be like, 'I'm fine, I'm totally fine... I drank six gallons of water today... there's no chance I have it.'

Larry David navigating the COVID-19 pandemic in Curb Your Enthusiasm will be amazing television.

Curb Your Enthusiasm got greenlit for an 11th season... I think Larry David—Corona is going to be amazing. The corona Larry David, like there's no better wheelhouse for that guy.

New York City will have an eerie and calm Fourth of July because people used up all the fireworks in June.

Right now people have bought up so many fireworks and used enough of them already that there's not going to be enough left over for the fourth, at least in New York City. First, it'll be like a calm-ish, calmer than normal Fourth of July in New York City, which should be—that'll be kind of eerie.

The Patriots will win 12 games this season with Cam Newton at quarterback.

I mean, we have Cam Newton now... how many wins do you think the Patriots will have this year? 12.

Patriots re-signing Antonio Brown would be hilarious and incredible.

You think that they would re-sign Antonio Brown? That would be hilarious. [Patriots] re-signed Antonio Brown and was like, 'you know what, enough time's passed.' They should resign him and then trade him to the Bills again.

Retired sports legends should never take GM or front office jobs because they risk ruining their legacy.

If the Broncos are never good again under his [Elway's] watch, does he lose—that's why he never should take that type of job. I know he won one in the front office, but you could basically ruin it. You got to just kind of ride off into the sunset and be the legend and never take any risks with the organization again.

Ranking Lisa Ann at #94 on an all-time porn star list is disrespectful to her legacy as a game-changer.

Shyla Stylez at 354 and Lisa Ann at 94 is absolutely atrocious... Lisa Ann at 94, like the committee got that one wrong. That's awful. Even if you missed her heyday, you got to know that she meant something to the game, right? She changed the game, a hundred percent. I thought that was a little bit disrespectful.

I am 100% going to kill Billy Football's character in Dungeons and Dragons.

Get the wizard ready just in case we decide to kill [Berserker] Billy... when I say 'just in case' we are 100% going to kill Billy Football.

The Bears were right to sign Nick Foles because there were no other good quarterbacks available

Looks like the Bears were really right to sign Nick Foles because there's no other good quarterbacks out there. Yeah.

The NBA blatantly rigged the schedule so that Zion Williamson makes the playoffs

The schedule is awesome because we are going to have day games... except for the fact that they rigged it so that Zion gets into the playoffs and that's awesome. Yeah. Absolutely. We're a hundred percent behind that... They basically play the bottom teams.

The Patriots will face Tom Brady and the Buccaneers in the Super Bowl with Cam Newton starting

Cam Newton is going to be the starter. It's going to be electric. The Patriots are going to make the Super Bowl. It's going to be the Patriots and the [Bucs] and I'm going to be so excited.

The weirdness of Cam Newton signing with the Patriots makes me believe the 2020 NFL season won't actually happen

It just makes me think football is not going to happen. Yeah. There's yeah. That's my everything that we resolve world... man I bet you football is not going to happen.

Bill Belichick has always wanted a mobile quarterback to experiment with new offensive schemes

Belichick's always talking about how he wants a mobile quarterback... belch I was like, I want to get rid of you [Brady] and get a cool new toy that can run around. So like the football like porn that's going to come out of this like the X's and O's and blocking schemes... Bellatrix brain with like a mobile quarterback.

LeBron James is driven to drink by having to play with Javale McGee, JR Smith, and Dwight Howard

I don't understand why LeBron James is driven to drink if he has to play with those three guys [Javale McGee, JR Smith, Dwight Howard]. Well, yes, yes sheesh.

Wearing a mask doesn't count if you don't cover your nose

If you're gonna say that everyone should wear masks, you really got to get it over the nose. Yeah. You got to be a [P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-er]. You gotta do it. You gotta show up. You gotta be a diaper Dandy really swaddle your face in that thing.

I am sexually attracted to the 'alpha' energy of Karens in public

I think I'm sexually attracted to Karens. Like I don't care what they're saying or what they're doing... Whenever I see a Karen video gets me going it's like a little bit of that craziness... They exude some kind of like, oh my God, like you just get a look from a Karen and you feel like you did something wrong.

MLB owners hide revenue by investing in ancillary businesses like hotels and RSNs

What each franchise does is somewhat of a secret... you have ancillary revenue streams that are being created that under the rules they do not them to be a part of Revenue sharing some investing in hotels and restaurants and casinos... I'll pay my team 75 million for that $300,000,000 right [for the RSN], I'll own the RSN and I'll keep that money at the RSN so I don't have to share with my other owners.

I am very concerned about the physical toll on relievers during a 60-game season

What I'm most concerned about is through the bullpen. Because the frequency of use, the demands on them... the starting pitcher has to come out earlier... they are the backstop they are the in line for whatever irregularities occur in a game and it is those men that I have the greatest concern about.

The 2020 Stanley Cup champion will have an asterisk and should be called the 'Corona Cup'

I've called it it's going to be the Corona Cup this year... forever a little bit of an asterisk people have argued with me over that but still I just think it's different it's odd.

Hockey pests and 'piece of shit' players will struggle more than anyone to get motivated in empty arenas

I think it's way harder for the guys that play that 'in your face' like 'I'm a piece of shit' type player where it's like the crowd fires me up... those guys, I mean they're going to have to get up to be in people's faces with no fans and no noise.

The Tampa Bay Lightning will win the Stanley Cup because of their previous failures

I've said all year that I like Tampa just because of what they went through last year and then bouncing back... I just refuse to believe a team that good isn't going to win a Stanley Cup at some point in these few years.

If a Canadian team wins the 2020 Stanley Cup it gets an asterisk, but an American team winning is legitimate

I'm going to say right now if a Canadian team win the Stanley Cup it gets an asterisk. Yeah. If it's American team we earned that shit.

The Mississippi state flag should feature the logo of the most recent Egg Bowl winner

It should be if depending on who wins the Egg Bowl that year if it's Ole Miss or if it's Mississippi State their logo gets to go in the upper left-hand Corner the flag for the remainder that year... that would be incredible the flagpole.

The fire drill is the best 'The Office' cold open

Number one is I think the fire that Dwight starts... the fire wall on them that was after a Super Bowl too if I remember correctly.

A 2020 World Series title for the Mets would deserve four asterisks

Mets huge huge asterisks for four asterisks for what if they win the World Series.

If the Browns win the Super Bowl with no fans, it has an asterisk

If there's no fans in the stadium for the entire NFL season and the Browns win the Super bowl, of course as a Browns fan you're going to take it no matter what but still, you know, people will be like well, then let's play in front of any road games.

An NFL season without fans heavily favors the Chargers

An NFL season without fans favors the Chargers big time because all their home games will be less of road games than they were before.

Ted Ginn drops open passes because he is too fast for his own good

Ted Ginn actually is a victim of his own success. Like, the reason why he drops open passes: he's so fast, he gets open. If he were a little slower dude, he wouldn't be as open and wouldn't have as much time to think about the catch.

You aren't actually an addict if you refer to yourself as a 'former addict'

You're not really an addict if you say that you're a former addict. Real addicts understand that if you're an addict, you're an addict for life. It's something that you manage and that you try not to relapse on, but it's always going to be in there.

You can treat scabies by buying horse medicine (Ivermectin) at a tractor supply store

The drug that you're going to want to ask for... I took some Ivermectin. You get it at like a Tractor Supply store because you get the horses [version]. If you think you have scabies, they sell it in big tubes like toothpaste. You just got to make sure the dosage is right—it's like one milligram for every 20 pounds.

Robot dogs will eventually turn on their owners when Jeff Bezos activates a 'serious switch' via Alexa

I'm just afraid that these robot dogs are going to fall into the wrong hands. You're going to have a robot in your house and he will turn on you. It's going to be Jeff Bezos hitting the 'serious switch'—the Alexa switch. We already have robot dog whistles inside our homes right now and that's going to activate them.

A great prank should cram absurdity into reality without being mean

a prank is about cramming absurdity into reality and distorting the truth until you like short circuit somebody's brain you want you want somebody to be pinwheeling. You don't want them like you're not I'm not trying to ruin somebody's Day Ever.

An owl or a raccoon is the likely culprit in the chicken massacre

I'm saying Al [Owl] or raccoon... trash pandas raccoons rip the heads off.

The new Rangers stadium looks like a cheap Home Depot shed

it looks like a cheap shed that you buy at Home Depot to like keep your garbage cans so that the raccoons don't get it... it looks like a toolbox that you would see in the back of your most sunburned neighbors truck.