Takes

The secret to successful country music is following the 'keep it simple stupid' rule and avoiding complex problems.

I think in country, you know, countries really good about keep it—there's a funny—it's almost like 'keep it simple stupid.' Keep it simple, have some fun... you don't really have to try to cure the world of all of its problems. One more margarita, two margaritas, three margaritas—who doesn't want to do that?

A singer's most important job is sounding exactly like their studio records during a live concert.

The biggest thing, the most important thing for me, is to make sure when [fans] come watch me in concert that I sound like the records. I remember being a kid and going and watching the singer and I'm like, 'Oh my god, he's a phony. He doesn't sound like [the record].' That's always been a big thing for me.

A man's singing voice reaches full maturity at age 38

I know that the male voice reaches full maturity. They say it 38 years old.

Professional golf has a major branding problem if the audience prefers watching other athletes play it over the actual pros.

You have a problem with your sport when people would rather watch people from other sports playing your sport. Yeah, the best people at your sport, and it was thrilling and awesome.

The 'Soup Tube' business idea is an absolute wave of the future

I would pay, I'd probably have like five or six different soup tubes installed in my kitchen right now... Out of the Monday readings we've done, Dave & Buster's guys is number one... Soup Tubes is number two... I would unironically purchase this.

The world should move toward 'human tubes' for transportation so we never have to drive or leave our houses.

I'm ready to go as far as to say that we should tube everything. Like, we should have human tubes instead of cars. I never want to leave my house. No, just like imagine if you wanted to come to work and you just got sucked up in your human tube and spat out here.

I actually enjoy staying at a Motel 6

I'm not here for the Motel 6 slander, by the way. I enjoy a good Motel 6. You're not getting any frills. I'm more of a Red Roof Inn guy, but I just like hotels. You just go in, you run the hot shower, get that hot water going for 30 minutes at a time.

NBA players are self-deputizing as Karens in the bubble

It's not the journalists that are doing it. It's actually the players. The players have self-deputized as Karens. I actually want every NBA player should get a Yelp account and I want to read their Yelp reviews of the hotel afterwards.

Tim Tebow is a guaranteed ratings draw regardless of what sport or team he is playing for

It doesn't matter if [Tebow] is on the Mets or if he's playing for the Nets, people will tune in and watch Tim Tebow.

The Ivy League canceling sports will force every other conference to follow suit

I don't know how any of this is going to work. And I guess that segues to college football feels like we're in a bad spot and fuck the Ivy League again. They started it. As soon as they canceled I was like this is gonna get everyone because the smartest guys in the room are like, 'hey, we don't think it's safe' and everyone else feels pressure.

Clemson will get left out of a conference-only playoff

I am hoping so badly that Clemson gets left out. It would be the takes that Dabo would come out with at that point. He might just secede the ACC from the rest of the entire NCAA.

The 2020 College Football Playoff will inevitably just be four SEC teams

One SEC team will have one loss and like Alabama will go undefeated and we'll be like, well the second-best team is clearly the one loss SEC team... and then we're going to have the SEC final four, that'd be great.

College football will ultimately play a spring season

I think we're going to play a spring season. If I had to guess right now. It does feel like one of those let's delay it, delay it, delay it and then we'll say spring season.

The NFL banning jersey swaps is pure PR and makes no sense

I also love the NFL being like 'we're not going to do jersey swaps.' Mmm. Thank you. You know, you're hitting each other for three hours, standing next to each other, getting in a pile. But if you try to fucking jersey swap... that was PR 101, that was a fake-ass move by them.

I thought the police were defunded so I could speed 89 in a 55

I got a really bad feeling, I got a speeding ticket. Turns out there was a speeding camera that caught me... I thought they defunded the police. I actually was like, 'no police.' I read the news, they defunded these guys. I'm good.

Anyone who actually expected UFC fights to take place in the sand on a beach at Fight Island is an idiot

For the people who thought it was literally on a beach, you're a fucking idiot. The lighting rig that would have to be set up... would be impossible to do on the beach... not to mention the fact that it's 118 degrees here with 100% humidity. You would drop dead walking to the octagon.

Conor McGregor is not retired for good and will likely return to the octagon next year

I don't think that Conor has retired for good but... I think Conor's is going to take some time and and sit back and figure out who's next, you know, and it probably won't be till next year.

Conor McGregor would beat up all six members of the Pardon My Take crew in a street fight

I think it would take all six you. I think a couple of you are definitely going to be hesitant and not jump right in and Conor will fuck up three or four [of] you before the other [two] decide [to] jump in and you know, somebody's probably going to run... Conor wins against almost six [of] you.

Men should stop buying and wearing sports jerseys once they reach age 53

I think that wearing a jersey when you're younger than the player or or when you're far maybe 25 to 30 years older than player is acceptable. But at 53 years old, I I really cannot be buying a jersey.

I could complete a pass in the NFL if given four downs

I think I could complete a pass if it was maybe to Edelman and he takes two steps. It's a wide receiver screen... I'm talking about like a Jet Sweep type thing where the it's just about the timing and you get the ball and you just pop it in front of you.

Mike Tyson would easily beat LeBron James in a boxing match

If it's in his prime, that's the dumbest argument of all time. Mike Tyson would fucking crush LeBron James. I don't care how tall LeBron is. Hand speed, everything. LeBron can't get hit. He would flop out of the ring.

I am not an NFL caliber kicker unless I make a team

I'm definitely not an NFL caliber guy. I know that... I am not an NFL caliber kicker unless I make an NFL team, at which point I am an NFL caliber kicker. There is zero part of my brain that thinks that I'm a professional caliber kicker... half a percent.

Calcio Storico makes all other sports look lame

I went into this being like 'this might make rugby look bad' and then I went out of it being like it makes every sport look bad because every sport is just lame compared to this. It's just Fight Club with a scoring element. It really does make all other sports just like... hockey guys are going to watch this and be like, 'whoops, we thought we were the tough sport.'

In the Highland Games, success is purely about size and strength rather than 'heart' or 'Rudy' storylines

The bigger you are the better you are. Yeah that about it. Yeah the log toss. [The 'Rudy' little guy] was dq'd after like four events as million percent of sports. Jock the bigger you are the better you are.

Paying Patrick Mahomes this much money will inevitably hurt the Chiefs' roster depth

The ultimate question now is will paying Patrick Mahomes this much hurt the team? And of course it will because he's going to be paid a lot of money. And is it going to be worth it in the long run when you have to figure out a way to Cobble together a team by paying Patrick Mahomes as well.

Patrick Mahomes is already a Hall of Famer

There are 13 guys who have won Super Bowl MVP and League MVP... nine of them are in the Hall of Fame. The other three are Aaron Rodgers, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady. Then the 13th is Patrick Mahomes. So essentially you're saying he's already a Hall of Famer. Yes.

I would hammer the under on Patrick Mahomes winning 3.5 more Super Bowls

If you though said over under Super Bowls for Patrick Mahomes, and you said it at let's say three and a half, I would hammer the under and that's nothing against Patrick Mahomes. That's just the NFL.

I would give up my left leg from the knee down to have Patrick Mahomes on the Bears

I think I'd give up a leg to have Patrick Mahomes on the Bears. A full leg, knee down... left leg. You don't need your legs in your 40s. I just couldn't imagine having [him]. Everyone would assume you were a veteran.

There is no chance the MLB's plan for reopening works

I think it's time to have an honest conversation about MLB's plan for reopening. There's no chance that it works. I've reached a point where I'm just [giving up].

There is a 5% chance the Giants or Jets sign me as an emergency kicker if their kicker tests positive for COVID

If the Jets or the Giants lose a kicker the night before a home game and they have to put him in quarantine and I'm available... I'll drive to MetLife Stadium every Sunday morning... it's a 5% chance that it actually happens.

I am better at kicking field goals than 50% of the players on the New York Red Bulls

I think I am better than 50% of New York Red Bulls soccer players at kicking field goals in football. From 35 yards, yes. Then 50% of MLS, yes.

Division III colleges canceling their football seasons is a precursor to Division I canceling theirs

a bunch of D3 colleges is to cancel their seasons including mine... I feel like that's a precursor to division one.

Dabo Swinney is purposefully making sure all his players catch COVID-19 so they have antibodies for the season

I'm hearing rumors that Dabo is purposely making sure all his players catch covid so they have the antibodies for the season.

TikTok is not long for this world

It feels like TikTok is not long for [this world]... seeing the TikTokers... it would be just it would be chaos.

Usain Bolt naming his daughter Olympia Lightning Bolt is the greatest name of all time

Olympia lightning bolt. Oh nice, maybe the greatest name of all time.

Kim Kardashian has a better chance of being President than Kanye West

I actually do think that I don't think it's going to be Kanye. I would actually think that Kim [Kardashian] has a better chance of being pressed. Absolutely. In like five, ten years, 100%.

Playing in empty stadiums will minimize the value of home field advantage

I think it's going to minimize the value of home field. Generally you get a lot of adrenaline and momentum when you're coming back in a game or when you're in a big situation and your home crowd is going crazy. So it's going to kind of level that out.

The MLB owners did irreparable damage to the sport by making the labor negotiations a public fight

Where everyone messed up is that the first thing that the owners did was make it a public fight... It's about getting the best deal this year and doing irreparable damage the sport. There's going to be a lot of people that just won't watch baseball for the next X amount of years because they're so mad.

Scott Boras effectively runs the MLB players' union

He [Scott Boras] can plead ignorance all he wants... he makes all sorts of ridiculous claims about... it doesn't matter which agency you're actually with, I run the union [MLBPA] anyways, you're going to have to deal with me.

I am a better pitcher than Curt Schilling was through age 28

I find it really fun to just position a position where like you're [Curt Schilling] either worse than me or you have to admit that advanced stuff matters. I'm better than him with certain regular stats at this point in my career through 28 years old.

The world went downhill when the NFL started letting wide receivers wear jersey numbers in the 10-19 range

The world just really went downhill in general when we started letting wide receivers wear numbers in the [teens].

Joey Chestnut is the greatest athlete of all time

Joey Chestnut is the greatest athlete of all time. That's it. It's over. If you look at the career that he's put together and how he keeps beating himself. He doesn't have a guy that he's going up head-to-head against he's only competing against his past self and he continues to dominate himself from a year ago.

Joey Chestnut is better than Tiger Woods because he competes against everyone who has ever eaten a hot dog

He is better than Tiger Woods better. I would say better because Tiger Woods only competes against what 200 other people in a golf major right? Joey Chestnut is literally competing against anybody that's ever eating a hot dog.

The 60-game 2020 season is Mike Trout's best chance to finally make the playoffs

Mike Trout feels like he might opt out... doesn't this feel like the one chance Mike Trout has to go to the playoffs a 16-game season [meant 60]... he may never go to the playoffs. In this case, he might finally reach that point.

The Washington Generals have a better winning culture than the Redskins have had for the last 30 years

They've been so bad that the name Washington Generals is more aligned with a winning culture than the Washington Redskins has been for the last 30 years. ... We've tried everybody, we've tried everything possible. Let's Rebrand.

The Washington Redskins should bring back the 'Bullets' name

They should call themselves Washington Bullets. I think would be awesome because they change the name of the bullets back in the 90s when the murder rate was high... Bring bring back the bullets. It's time. The jerseys were for the old bullets were fire.

I think Bryson DeChambeau is taking steroids

I'm out on Bryson DeChambeau. Yes, he's big the bombs. Guess he's put on weight, but he's artificially I'm going to say it right now. I think he's taking steroids. I think that it's artificial popcorn muscles.

Bryson DeChambeau is a 'JV Brooks Koepka'

I think he's a JV Koepka... I hate Bryson DeChambeau. I think he's a douche bag and you can quote me on that, but I'm here for the bombs.

Once 2020 ends, everything will get back to normal and be perfect

Once 2020 ends, everything's going to get back to normal to be perfect. You think 2020 is going to run up the score on us?

2020 is going to continue to get worse and 'run up the score' on us

2020 is going to go the fuck out. You imagine if 2020 hasn't even gone to fuck off yet? Do we haven't got the aliens yet? ... A nuclear attack would be just a heat check from 2020.