Takes

Swag Kelly is the second-fastest quarterback in the NFL

Swag Kelly thinks he's the second fastest quarterback in the NFL, which I agree with... I think he's going to be like a sleeper that's just going to come out of nowhere and get thrown into a game.

There is a 90% chance the NFL plays a season this year

The NFL, though, I do think will give it a go. I think they're going to try... I think that somebody will be playing... On a scale of eight to ten [how likely we have football]? Nine.

Teams fail in the NFL Draft because they prioritize physical attributes over character and heart

Because it's impossible not to take the pretty girl... when you get a guy who's 6'6" and runs four or five... and they put together a 10 highlight package... and yet that's not what football is. Football is a grind... It takes people who... have that kind of heart that even when they're a mess... they're still going to slam their head into that brick wall.

An elite tight end like George Kittle is worth more to a team than an elite wide receiver

I think you can make the argument that a great tight end, like a Gronkowski or like Greg Kittle is what we call him, if you're that good at that position, I think you're... worth more to your team than like an elite wide receiver.

George Kittle was the best player in the NFL in 2019

This guy is an SOB blocking now... he and Gronk and a handful of guys are ungodly blockers as they play, and they can do everything the other guys can do as receivers... George Kittle, I think we [PFF] had him as the best player in the NFL last year.

Mark Zuckerberg definitely has ass implants

Mark Zuckerberg surfing has hit the internet... I noticed right away. The dude's got a fucking donk. He has got cheeks. Big-time cheeks... I think it's an ass implant. Mark Zuckerberg is a nerd though... he can't just do something that's so obvious. What he can do is get a fake fat ass.

I can no longer be a Navy SEAL because I am too famous from the podcast

I can't be in the special forces because too many people know my taste nowadays. And I wanted to be... it's actually really disappointing. Every time more people recognize me, it gets me really freaked out. I can't be a Navy SEAL.

NFL owners will never force Dan Snyder to sell because they all have similar skeletons in their closets

I think that the other NFL owners, and I think a lot of NFL teams are going to look at this report and be like, well, we can't force [Dan] Snyder to sell because we all have some of the same stuff probably happening under our own roofs.

The number one highlight of the Dan Snyder era was a playoff win against a spleenless Chris Simms

The number one best part of the [Dan] Snyder era was we won a playoff game. We beat Chris Simms on the road in a playoff game... And Chris Simms, I don't think he had a spleen at the time. So he beat a spleenless quarterback by seven points.

The 2020 Twitter hack was the best thing to happen to the platform because it restored it to its 2010 glory

Twitter getting hacked and restoring itself to like 2010 Twitter when it was awesome and there were no blue checkmarks... that was awesome to watch. Politics were taken out of Twitter. It was blissful.

I am the alpha of the show because I squat and bench more than everyone else in the room

I 100% squat and bench more than anybody in this room. And because of that, I think that makes me the alpha.

The secret to Inside the NBA's success is that the cast is authentic and never argues just for the sake of contrast

The secret sauce... is the authentic, being authentic. Like there is no—like you say this, you argue this point, you take the right, he takes the left. It's how you feel... I think a lot of shows... they would say, well, can you take this point? I'm like, but I don't believe that.

LeBron James is not currently a top-five player of all time

Is [LeBron James] on a trajectory to jump into the top five of all time? For sure. But with three championships and he's still on that trajectory, he's not there yet, in my opinion... I would have Bill Russell, Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain [ahead of him].

The younger NBA teams have an advantage in the bubble because road crowds are no longer a factor

The younger teams have an advantage because the lack of experience of playing on the road is no longer a factor. Everybody's in the same boat. There's no fans. There's no anxiety of that.

NBA players will play better in the bubble because there is no away crowd or travel anxiety

The lack of anxiety is going to allow players that you probably didn't think were great players go out... they're going to play better. So if you want your things, some guys are going to average more than 10 points that typically don't.

I guarantee Ben Simmons will hit a three-pointer in his first game back in the NBA bubble

I guarantee in [Ben Simmons'] first game, he'll hit a three... in this environment, he'll shoot it because the anxiety won't be there.

The 1995 Orlando Magic didn't have the mindset of a champion, which is why the Rockets swept them

I don't think they [the 1995 Magic] had the mindset of a champion. Is that you could take the adversity and go, no, we're not going to lose our confidence over this... we would have been encouraged by that [Nick Anderson free throws], not discouraged, honestly.

The Rockets would have beaten Michael Jordan's Bulls in the mid-90s because the Bulls were too small without Horace Grant

I think the reason they lost to Orlando, even when Michael [Jordan] came back... I just think his team wasn't good enough because Horace [Grant] was in Orlando. So they were small, Shaq killing him inside... If they had Rodman, I'd have been like, I don't know... but without Horace Grant and without Rodman, no, I don't think they would have done it.

Michael Jordan is the only player I've ever seen turn his weaknesses into his absolute strengths in just three years

[Michael Jordan's] the only player I ever met that when I met him... the things that he was—his weaknesses, by the time three years later we were talking, those were his strengths. Oh, you know, he's not really a great jump shooter. His ball handling is okay. No, those are the best two things he does.

Lakers, Clippers, or Bucks will likely NOT be in the 2020 NBA Finals

Before it started, I would have said Lakers, Clippers, whoever wins, and Milwaukee. I will say one of those, there's another team that will be in the NBA finals besides those three... it will not be the people that were leading the way when things stop.

The NFL will play its 2020 season, but college football is in a very precarious situation

College football is in more of a precarious situation to actually go off on time. If I had to bet right now, I actually don't know... I still think NFL is going to happen. I don't know if college football is going to happen.

The NBA will ban players from shotgunning beers on camera because it's insensitive

They're going to ban players from shotgunning beers on camera because it's probably insensitive. I'm waiting for that to happen because that's been a trend.

An Oreo is a frosting sandwich, not a cookie

If you took an Oreo and took, you know, the top part off, that single black chip is a cookie... What do you think Oreos are cookies? It's a frosting sandwich.

Washing Oreos with water is a delicious way to eat them

Would you wash an Oreo with water? Yes. Always... No, try it. Next time you get some Oreos. Hank does. It's actually delicious.

The next two weeks are make-or-break for the return of sports

I feel like this next week and a half, two weeks, is going to be make or break for the next six months to a year. We have baseball hopefully starting next Thursday, basketball bubbles going, scrimmages about to start, hockey, and then training camp. If these can go off without a hitch, I think we're back.

The Washington Redskins should change their name to the Red Wolves

The Redskins are changing their name, hopefully, to the Red Wolves. Dan Snyder, if you're listening, the Red Wolves is the way to go for this.

Mitch Trubisky's 75 rating in Madden 21 is insane

Mitch Trubisky's a 75 in the new Madden. Insane. He was 79 last year. Goddamn.

Brooks Koepka will have a great Thursday and Friday at the Memorial Tournament

I think, not to put pressure on Brooks, but I expect it. A very good, very good Thursday and Friday from him. He rises up against those guys.

The text exchange between 50 Cent and Will Smith about Jada's 'entanglement' was real

I would bet money that it was real... Because it's 50 Cent and he's absolutely reckless. He's reckless.

If a bear can use nunchucks, a gorilla can fly a Black Hawk helicopter

It turns out that bears actually can use weapons... If a bear can pick up a nunchuck, a gorilla can pick up a fucking rocket launcher. A gorilla would be able to fly like a Black Hawk helicopter if a bear is able to use these martial art weapons.

You should never buy the first model year of a new car release like the Ford Bronco

You have to let a couple models go before you hop in. If you just buy the first Bronco, there's probably going to be shit blowing up and weird stuff happening. I would rather die looking stylish in an old one than a new one.

George Kittle should call himself a quarterback on Twitter to cash in on Patrick Mahomes money

He should just change his position in his Twitter profile... He should just call himself a quarterback. Try to cash in on this Patrick Mahomes money.

Ghislaine Maxwell will not be safe in prison

Last hot seat is Ghislaine Maxwell. She's being sent to prison... She's not going to be safe there. TRIAL'S not up for a year. Yeah, so she's got a lot of prison time.

Jeff Bezos is using the Washington Post's investigation to force a sale of the Redskins so he can buy the team

Jeff Bezos has wanted to buy the Redskins for the last, like, three years. Is this like a billion-style coup? So it's not billionaires versus billionaires. This is like mega billionaires versus billionaires.

The Washington Post is named after a slave owner

Well, the Washington Post was throwing shade at the Redskins for how racist their name is, but they're named after a slave owner.

The 2020 NFL season is definitely happening

All indications point that there is definitely going to be an NFL season, and we are preparing for that as the NFL... Everything that I'm told is that we are definitely having an NFL season.

Cam Newton will prove he's still an MVP with the Patriots

Cam now has a huge chip on his shoulder and he's in a position to go to a great organization and prove that he still can be Cam Newton, the MVP that we saw a couple of years ago... If he buys into [the Patriot Way], he can be a part of something really good.

Tom Brady left New England because he wanted long-term contract insurance the Patriots wouldn't give him

I think the fact that Tom wanted some long-term insurance, he felt like he had a lot left in the tank... and the fact that the Patriots probably offered something that he wasn't comfortable with... I think Tom has been feeling some kind of way for the last couple of years that he's been wanting to get that reinsurance from the organization.

Matt Patricia knows how to win and has more success than anyone in the Lions organization

Matt Patricia has won more than anybody in that organization. He knows how to win. He's very smart. He's been in a lot of different systems... when you have the knowledge of how to do something, now you need the pieces to execute.

USC's standard should be winning National Championships, not just the Pac-12

It's not about the Pac-12. It's about national championships... Our goals is national championships. Um, and we, we can go ahead and take the Pac-12 along the way, but the echelon should be national championships all day, every day.

Replying 'fuck you' to people, especially politicians, is always a cool and appropriate response.

You could reply to any email directly sent to you by saying 'fuck you' and saying 'fuck you' to people is always cool, right? I think we can all agree on that regardless of the party.

Everyone on the internet is a hypocrite regarding China and the NBA

The reality is everybody in the world or at least in the United States right now is a huge fucking hypocrite and they're all narcs their loser because you know what? You know what I'm typing on right now. I'm typing on a computer. I'm typing on a phone that was probably assembled in communist China... It sucks.

Woj will only be suspended for about 24 hours and will be back breaking news by Tuesday.

I think he's going to be suspended for like 24 hours. He's going to be back breaking news on Tuesday. Well, how can you suspend a person who's just like reporting news, right?

People who participate in 'open letter' internet drama are going to die 20 years early from the stress of staying mad.

I just have a theory that everybody involved in this [open letter off] is going to die 20 years prematurely because they stay so mad.

ESPN+ is the worst app in the history of the world

My entire thoughts on the evening are fuck ESPN+. It's the worst app in the history of the world. Every time there's a fight, this is what happens every single time. I buy it on my phone. Doesn't work on my phone. I try to login on my computer. Doesn't work on my computer.

Kamaru Usman's foot-stomping strategy should be illegal in UFC

Who's Mondo foot-stomping. I mean that's just—that should be legal. It should be any it's more like just a pride thing dude, like beat someone without stopping their toes... It sucks.

The entire world might be made of cake

There was a video titled, 'These are all cakes.' It's like a three minute video... it blew my mind. Then everyone convinced themselves that you know, maybe the world is just a giant cake. Like the Matrix.

The hyper-realistic cakes seen in viral videos look amazing but definitely taste like shit.

I guarantee those cakes, they looked awesome, but I guarantee they taste like shit. Oh, yeah, because they have to use like the different sugar to make it like the hard sugar and stuff. It's a complete waste of cake.

I need to catch a bat to test it for rabies so I don't have to get shots in my stomach

If I catch the bat then I can test the bat for rabies. So I don't have to get a bunch of shots in my stomach... I'm going to stay up all night to find this bat.

Naming songs after simple objects like 'trucks' or 'margaritas' is a work of genius

You are kind of a genius when it comes to the naming of your songs... My favorite is 'We Rode In Trucks' like, you know what that song's about. The simplicity of it is kind of genius... One Margarita, drink a beer. That one's about beer.