Takes

The Jamal Adams trade is a win-win, but a massive haul for the Jets

I actually love this trade for the Jets... To get up what they end up giving up a first-round and what was it? The final trade haul I believe was like they got Billy's want to put this in there. You got two of the biggest two first round picks a fourth-round pick. That's so much. It's a win-win as far as trades in the NFL go.

I should fire the Water Dogs coach for that second-half collapse against the Atlas

I think we should fire our coach [Andy Copeland] just straight up. You can't have a loss like that. It's what, two goals in the last 18 minutes? We took our foot off the gas. It's unacceptable. He should be on the hot seat.

A personal family physician should not be the one clearing Alex Smith to return to football

Alex Smith's personal doctor cleared him to resume football activities, which I don't think any personal doctor should ever clear you to be like, 'Hey, go out there and just play football.' That doesn't seem like something that a family physician would do. I actually don't think that doctor is now sending him to... Dr. Nick.

Tom Thibodeau to the Knicks is not going to work

This is going to not work. Nothing screaming New York City like Tom Thibodeau... He went from like he didn't trust the ownership in GM in Chicago... now he's going to go work for James Dolan. I guarantee you Tim's decides just like he lives in Staten Island takes the ferry over every day.

I'm unloading on Mitchell Trubisky whenever the game temperature is exactly 66 degrees

Mr. Trubisky has by far the highest quarterback rating in the NFL when it's exactly 66 degrees... I'm absolutely going to open up my weather app every single Sunday morning. And if it's 66, I'm unloading on Mitchell Trubisky.

I could still play a limited role in the NFL or MLB today

I would have to play a limited role. I got to set myself up with situation to succeed and not to fail, but that is true. I could play nickel or free safety in football, and in baseball I could pinch run, get in late, drop you down a bunt to third and beat it out.

Bobby Bowden is one of the most underrated coaches in college football history

I think Bobby Bowden is one of the most underrated coaches. He had a 14-year stretch where the Florida State Seminoles finished in the top five. That's insane. Coach Bowden was a wonderful human being, very personable, very spiritual. He's like a father being away from home.

I am the Mount Rushmore of swag

You have probably the most swag of any athlete ever it something truly Mount Rushmore, right? [Deion]: That is true. Yes. I'm not no. I'm not in the Mount Rushmore. I am the Mount Rushmore. You personify swag.

I have never tasted alcohol in my entire life

I've never tasted alcohol in my life. I wouldn't do that. Second about those [49ers] guys is they were very straight-laced... so when I came I had to open that thing up and let them have fun.

Kids today don't have the nerve to play two sports professionally

The reason why [playing two sports] is never going to happen again is because kids don't have nerves. They're allowing people to put them in a box at an early age... you only play baseball, you only play football. They don't have time for the other sports that don't make sense.

Peeing outside is better than using a public restroom

I get up I'm going to cut your first of all I see look IPS that everywhere I go out Piazza like all my outside Pier. I love the freedom. I love the air love the breeze. Oh every day I get up at night and go outside just to Peak.

Peeing into a lake or ocean is satisfying because it's Nature's toilet

It's really satisfying though to pee into a lake or into an ocean, you know, Nature's toilet. Because the water is going to catch you. It's the coolness and the freedom, and just the wind whistling around your MBA balls.

I will be a college head coach by 2021

moving 2021? I will be where I don't know but I will be [a head coach]... I create a package. I'm not part of one.

The more trash bags you use, the better it is for the sanitation worker

I stay the light of the biggest the better it had to go through for bag instead of two or three. I don't mind carrying. There's two bigs was carrying an extra 20 pounds in the bag. It might rip in the street. I got to clean it up.

Raccoons and skunks are more dangerous and defensive than rats on a trash route

Raccoons and skunks are a different ball game [than rats]. The rats have their own route, they go back to their crevice. Raccoons and skunks are trying to protect their garbage and they'll say, 'Enjoy yourself, I'll see you tomorrow.' I'll stand down to a raccoon.

You can't beat a Waffle House cook on his home turf; you need to use sneaky tactics

I obviously I'm very much on this guy side. I want him to win. I think he needs to start thinking a lot smarter though... you're not going to beat him on his home turf. No, you have to find a sneaky way to do this.

Dr. Fauci's first pitch was almost good because of how terrible it was

I actually think first pitches either be terrible or be incredible. I don't think Dr. Fauci had incredible in him. Might as well just go terrible. It was almost good how bad it was.

I would be more concerned about the COVID-19 response if Dr. Fauci threw a 90mph strike

It would actually be concerning to me if Dr. Fauci went out there and grooved one like 90 miles an hour right down the pipe. That would be like, I don't know if I want this guy leading my response to infectious disease.

I'm pre-mad about how much the Mike Tyson vs. Roy Jones Jr. fight is going to suck

Mike Tyson is back. He's going to fight Roy Jones Jr. in September... I'm going to buy this fight... and it's going to suck. It's going to be sadder than the Kimbo Slice Dada 5000 fight. This is going to without a question suck and I'm going to get so excited for it.

I must have at least three Cleveland Browns players on my fantasy team every season

I only draft Browns players on my team... It's just because last the last time I won fantasy football, I had Braylon Edwards and Derek Anderson as a one-two punch... So now I have to have that a minimum three Browns on my fantasy football team every season and I have not won since that season.

I refuse to draft DeAndre Hopkins because I can't watch Texans games

I have weird teams that I can't watch. I don't know what it is about the Texans that annoy me so I could never draft DeAndre Hopkins, even if I had a top five pick.

Austin Hooper is definitely going to be my fantasy tight end this year, even if I have to draft him in the second round

[Austin Hooper] is definitely gonna be my tight end and I'm gonna do something not so smart where I pick him in like the second round or something. That's how weird it was.

The 'Law of Attraction' is real and explains how I married Rebecca Romijn

I'm married to a former Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Covergirl Rebecca Romijn... I have no right. I have no money. I have no real status in society... I did thumb through [The Secret] and I found it to be very very helpful. I carried around a picture [of her]... and it'll be like a law of attraction.

Dan Snyder will remain the owner of the Washington Football Team because other NFL owners are too afraid of the precedent of firing an owner for team culture issues

I just think that every other owner in the league is too afraid of being implicated in situations exactly like that to set the precedent that we will fire you if the stuff happens on your watch, so I think Snyder's going to stay for a while.

I refuse to draft any Dallas Cowboys wide receivers

No offense to the Dallas Cowboys. I do not take Dallas Cowboys wide receivers anymore. I can't do it. It's also tough not to draft Dallas Cowboys because they're on basically every Sunday or Monday night game.

I actually like the numbers on the helmets for the Washington Football Team

I actually like the helmets. I like numbers on a helmet. People are like, oh man, that's a college thing. Yes, it is. But why not have one team in the NFL have it? Kind of cool.

Mascot names are for 'candy-asses'; the 'Washington Football Team' is a superior name because it's literal

I'm starting to talk myself into the fact... I'm going to Spin Zone my way into loving this team name... you have to be a candy-ass to have a mascot for a team... we're football team. We play football football. We don't need any of this rare as hide stuff.

The Seattle Kraken should have been named the 'Seattle Sirens'

I thought that a great name would be the Seattle Sirens. Then at the goal siren, you could have Courtney Love just up in the corner just trying to lure people to date her.

The Seattle Kraken should have been named the Seattle Sea Lions because sea lions are cuter than seals

I just like cute mascots, you know... Seattle sea lions. Sea lions are cuter than seals. Embrace the bait. Yeah because they have the whisker... sea lions have ears, seals don't.

The MLS is a Ponzi scheme

I don't understand how they can keep adding teams. It is a Ponzi scheme. Because you just pay the existing owners and the talent isn't there to keep up.

Christian Pulisic is wasting his talent overseas and should play in the MLS to grow the game

I'm squatting on a take right now and that is getting mad at Christian Pulisic for not playing in the MLS. If he truly cared about American soccer, he would be over here and I will when he's like 40... maybe even older than that.

The NBA Bubble won't feel weird until the conference finals

I actually think it's not going to be that weird to start. But once we get into, like, the conference finals, it's going to be fucking bizarre to have, like, games go on with no fans and just, like, big, big moments happen to, you know, 20 people in the room.

LeBron James will put 'James Sr.' or 'Father of Three' on the back of his NBA jersey

This would be – it would be so LeBron if he came out with a James Sr. on the back of his jersey... Or just father of three. Very tasteful... Father of – and then Roman numerals probably.

NFL games will be played on Saturdays if college football is canceled

If there's no college football on Saturdays... they're probably going to play a lot of NFL games on Saturdays.

Apple purposefully throttles iPhone battery life when a new model is about to be released

My iPhone on Saturday started, like, rapidly losing battery, getting way overheated... and then I Googled it... iPhone 12 coming out soon. Oh, it's fucking every single time. I don't understand how they're able to get away with this.

Carmelo Anthony will dominate in the NBA Bubble because it mimics the Olympic Village environment

This is actually the perfect environment for Carmelo Anthony because when does he perform at his best? In the Olympics, right? When the athletes are confined to a certain type of village... living under the bubble.

Sports could save millions of lives by providing a model for solving COVID-19

Sports might save millions of lives. And this is definitely not just me talking insane because I haven't had any sports on TV... Because if you can test, if you have a test case and a model for how to solve it amongst a given population, you can expand that out.

The 'Tiger King' cultural phenomenon will be the number one most remembered thing from the 2020 sports hiatus

I'm going to go with Tiger King... I think it's more than worthy of my top pick, if not the one overall.

Zoom happy hours suck and the novelty wore off in two weeks

Zoom happy hours. Remember when people tried to make that a thing? Everyone acted like, oh, we don't see our friends, so let's do a happy hour on Zoom. And then I think people did it for like a week or two... Everyone realized it sucked.

The 'Wood' meme will be remembered as the dominant group chat prank of the 2020 quarantine

Wood memes. When they were just... That was all anyone could text for about a week and a half... Every fucking text you opened. Every link you clicked on.

Jay Glazer 'held the world hostage' with a dud scoop about a player getting COVID

Jay Glazer held the world hostage for 24 hours thinking he was going to break the biggest news ever and then just told us a guy [Brian Allen] got coronavirus. But he was fine. Hundreds of thousands of, I think millions, yeah, millions of people have had coronavirus and he was like, big news coming tomorrow.

Roger Goodell effectively 'starved children' by refusing a $250,000 charitable donation from Marlins Man

Never forget that Roger Goodell elected to starve children instead of accepting money from Marlins Man... That Goodell is not accepting for children.

Putting an Under Armour logo on a kilt would make men willing to wear dresses

Somebody just needs to invent... If you slap an Under Armour logo onto a kilt or onto just any sort of nice, flowy, long skirt, you can make a dude wear anything. You're just like, this is a sport performance kilt. A guy will wear a dress. It's a golfing kilt.

I'm ready to care way too much about dumb sports shit and ignore serious topics

I'm so ready to not care about serious shit anymore. And just getting back to caring, like caring way, way too much about dumb shit. That's our right as Americans. It's our duty as Americans to do that.

Bryson DeChambeau is the number one baby back bitch in sports

[Bryson DeChambeau] is now the number one triple B in the sports world... I think he's baby back bitch of the year. The fact that he now has his caddy blocking camera guys too.

History will vindicate the claim that Bryson DeChambeau is roid raging

I think that history is going to vindicate our Bryson [DeChambeau] takes sooner rather than later. This is a classic roid rage type. If I'm on a witch hunt, he's roid raging out there. Guy stinks. Big time.

Brooks Koepka's recent struggles are due to his knees still hurting

I'm not going to make – [Brooks Koepka] would never say it, but I'm just going to say it for him. I think his knees still hurt. So that's probably why he hasn't been that great.

Getting engaged during your senior year of college is a terrible decision

Trevor Lawrence got engaged... say nothing about being like a future NFL superstar, but just getting engaged when you're a senior in college is dumb as shit.

Aaron Rodgers is obsessed with dating famous people

Shailene Woodley. Aaron Rodgers is obsessed with just dating famous people. He just dates... I think maybe... you'd probably want to date a non-famous person to convince them to move to Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Nobody actually wants a real dad bod

Fuck the people who have made dad bod culture seem cool because I know deep down, no one actually wants dad bods. They want the Zac Efron six pack dad bod... reality is if you have a true dad bod you're just really tired all the time because your metabolism is fucked up and you're overweight.