Takes

The NBA All-Star Weekend is ruined by gimmicks and 'LeBron-ification'

The LeBron-ification of the NBA really is actually the John-ification because he's terrible at drafting... And the Three-Point Contest has a four-pointer now. It's like, what is this Ice Cube-ification? I feel like an old man yelling at a cloud... It's not my NBA.

I will endorse Mike Bloomberg for President for exactly $10 million

We will do a political endorsement for ten million dollars. Yes, I will endorse the fuck out of Mike Bloomberg. I actually think if we just push him hard enough... pay me.

No one is in a committed relationship at the Jersey Shore during summer

Here's the thing about the Jersey Shore is you fall in love with clubs. You don't fall in love with other people... No one's in a relationship at the Jersey Shore, or inside of a Real World house.

I am in on the proposed 14-team MLB playoff format

I personally, it's crazy. It's stupid. And I know baseball purists will hate it. But from a fundamental level of making September more enjoyable, making a lot of markets still feel like they have a shot, having just more playoff baseball... and eliminating the one game playoff that always kind of feels like it screws someone over. I'm kind of in on this.

I am officially all in on participation trophies

As soon as I became a dad, my son got a gold medal for just showing up to gym... I was like, fuck yeah, you got that, dude. You fucking showed up. So I'm all in on participation trophies. That flipped in my brain.

Philip Rivers' skills are vastly diminishing

[Philip Rivers and the Chargers] both decided that Philip Rivers' skills are vastly diminishing and we needed to move on.

I am not worried about Tom Brady leaving the Patriots

I'm absolutely not worried. I'm not even letting myself get worried for a second... I still think he's going to end up a Patriot. I'm not letting myself even consider that a possibility.

Andy Dalton is a better quarterback than Jimmy Garoppolo

I was going to say Andy Dalton greater than Jimmy G... If [the Patriots] had Andy Dalton, they probably would be winning as well. [He is] better than Jimmy G.

Bill Belichick could win a Super Bowl with Jameis Winston

If Bill Belichick wants to prove without a doubt that he is the best coach of the Super Bowl era... I think Jameis Winston makes him by far the best head coach in the history of football.

All technological innovation starts with porn

The fact that everyone was so horny and trying to access [the Pamela Anderson tape] all over the internet actually made the internet faster... We came up with technological advances to try to acquire a higher quality version... All innovation starts with porn.

It is Duke's year and they will win the national championship

It's Duke's year. I'm officially ready to say it. Like, it is Duke's year. I know that I joked about it last year, Hank, but I'm telling you, man-to-man right now, I trust only Duke to win the national championship this year... Duke is definitely going to win. They're definitely going to win it all.

Carson Wentz is an MVP-caliber quarterback and better than Dak Prescott

Carson's great... you can't look at the numbers that the guy put up... he put the team on his back... [Is he better than Dak?] Absolutely. Yes. Not a hesitation there.

The Phillie Phanatic is the best mascot in sports

Phillie fanatic... is hands down the best mascot in sports. I love him... I met him out of his suit in Clearwater at spring training... Respect.

I will never take a role purely for a paycheck

I've never really done something purely for a paycheck. I haven't even really got to that point... I look at the money whenever I've made money on stuff, but I've never really done something purely for a paycheck.

There is a 90% chance I will sell $1,000,000 in Zillion Beers merch by Sunday

[What percent chance do you think you have to make a million?] A zillion? Yeah. Actually, 90%.

The atmosphere at Audi Field for the DC Defenders was better than any Redskins game in the last 20 years

I'm going to say like the atmosphere in DC at Audi Field was better. It was more fun than any Redskins game that I've been to in the last like 20 years.

The real test for the XFL's success will be when March Madness and the NBA playoffs begin

I don't know if it's going to succeed because as I've always said, tell me how it does when we get to March Madness, when we get to the Masters and NBA and NHL playoffs. But as of right now, I thought it was good.

This is officially Duke's year after their miracle win against UNC

It is officially Duke's year. It is officially Duke's year. It is. Yeah, and maybe Gonzaga because Gonzaga keeps—Gonzaga had their classic game where they play every year, they play St. Mary's and everyone's like this is the one spot they could lose and they just fucking kick the shit out of them.

1917 was a better movie than Parasite

I did like 1917 more, but Parasite was just as good. Like it was one of those—let the record show, 1917 was better.

I am 1,000% the best interior lineman in the NFL

Do you think that you are the best interior lineman in the NFL right now? 1,000%. [And] 1,000% at this moment right now, fellas, I'm the best.

More NFL teams should utilize downfield laterals like they do in rugby

I actually thought I thought it was a good idea. I think that more team should do downfield laterals. It happens in rugby all the time. And if you if you can hit somebody in stride, it's usually a touchdown.

Bar-Bill Tavern is the best wing spot in Buffalo

Have you picked a wing spot? Yeah, Bar-Bill Tavern.

The Mookie Betts trade saga was a massive failure for sports journalism

if anything this is a put one his earhole to journalism. Why don't you wait until we're ready for the trade to actually happen before you start announcing it because think about it like David Price probably had to look at private schools in LA for his kids.

Russell Wilson looks like a baby caterpillar dipped in Vaseline in his latest photoshoot

[Russell Wilson] looks like a baby caterpillar, those fuzzy baby caterpillars dipped in Vaseline.

Tennessee will never be 'back'

Tennessee is like—no, it's not like... Tennessee will never be back, but we're not like threatened by Tennessee saying it. No, I love burnt orange.

Tennessee will never win anything big with Rick Barnes as their head coach

You guys are claim sometimes at your basketball school. Now, even though you have Rick Barnes your head coach, which means you'll never win anything big.

Andre Iguodala is the finesse king of the world

Andre Iguodala, the finesse king of the world, somehow sat out for half the year and is now getting paid more. He got two years, $30 million at age 36. And to live in Miami. That is... my guy got to promote his book, spend time with his family, get his mind right, and then gets to move to Miami and gets a shitload of money.

Marcus Morris will be a 'LeBron stopper' for the Clippers because he can annoy him

The Clippers got Marcus Morris, which is going to be awesome when they go up against LeBron. I feel like he's one of those guys in the league who... There's no LeBron stopper, but he's one of the guys who can make him annoyed. He wants to annoy LeBron to no end, and he's got that toughness to him.

Andrew Wiggins will be the new Jeff Green and get traded constantly

Andrew Wiggins, I feel like might be a new age Jeff Green where he will get traded now. This will start the process of him being traded a million different ways. He's better than that, but a million different teams and everyone will keep saying, well, he's only 26. Well, he's only 27. He's got all the upside.

The Timberwolves should trade for Jahlil Okafor to own the top three picks of the 2015 draft

The Timberwolves could trade for Jahlil Okafor and they would then have the first three picks in the 2015 NBA draft, which I don't think has ever happened. And even if they stink, you could say, well, we had pick one, two, and three. How are we bad?

The Sixers need to blow it up and trade both Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid

That seems... Al Horford, locker room cancer? This now feels like the process... They've got to start it all over again. Trade them both [Simmons and Embiid] and get a bunch of picks. Get all of them out of there.

Al Horford might be a locker room cancer

It could be Al, though. I mean, he was part of the Celtics last year. They were a locker room disaster. People think it was Kyrie. They're a locker room disaster. What's a common denominator?

The Cleveland Cavaliers are going all-in for the 8-seed

Then the Cavs did the opposite and traded for [Andre] Drummond and were like, we're going to go for this. ... There's nothing better than the team that's just like, we're all in for the 8 seed.

The Red Sox trading Mookie Betts makes no sense and is a repeat of the Khalil Mack trade

The Red Sox seems like what they did, what they got for it is, at best... a Mookie Betts. It's kind of like the Raiders trade when they traded Khalil Mack. They're trading assets that they hope will eventually turn into a player the caliber of Mookie Betts. ... no one is as good as Mookie Betts except for Trout.

The Dodgers have to win one because their 'all-ins' are becoming pathetic

And now the Dodgers, I mean, how many all-ins can the Dodgers... The Dodgers are going to break the record for the most all-ins. This decade, this is like their fifth or sixth all in. You've got to win one, Dodgers. This is so pathetic.

The Dodgers traded for a bigger playoff choker in David Price than Clayton Kershaw

They literally traded for a bigger choker in David Price. ... he's got a ring, though. ... But Clayton can, I mean, the chances are David Price will probably choke before Clayton [Kershaw] does. They're going to be choking each other. It's going to be some real kinky shit.

If Patrick Mahomes plays in the Celebrity All-Star game in Chicago, he will win MVP

But if Patrick Mahomes plays in a Celebrity All-Star game in Chicago, he will win MVP and everyone will make a joke. ... he looked genuinely like he was having the best time in his life [at the parade].

Aaron Rodgers doesn't want to win a Super Bowl because he'd have to chug beer in front of people

That's actually the reason I think that Aaron Rodgers doesn't want to win a Super Bowl is because he'd have to chug beer in front of people. In front of large crowds. That's not his thing.

I'm letting Big Cat and PFT fight my media battles while I stay quiet until the season starts

I think you can continue what we talked about. You fight back when I can't right now. I'm going to let it die down a little bit. I'm going to let you guys be on the front line for me. And then as soon as the season starts, I'll be back.

The 2019 season was the first time I wasn't having fun playing football

Yeah, that was the first time I'd say I really wasn't having fun playing football. So for me, it's getting back to square one of I love the game of football. I'm going to make it fun. And that's how I play my best.

Oklahoma deserves a one-year ban from the College Football Playoff

Oklahoma deserves a one-year ban from the college football playoffs. Their performances, I'm sick of it. ... Every year, halfway through the season, Oklahoma loses a game. ... and then they start playing defense. Everyone's like, you know what? Oklahoma's defense, not that bad. Not true. They are still bad.

The Browns might not win a game next year

So the Browns are going to stink next year. ... I'm going to say it's not behind your back like a regional. You guys might not win a game. It's a bold strategy. ... We're going to dunk on everyone. Physically, we're not going to do anything. But you will, and then we will reap all the benefits.

The Browns offense didn't have a chance in 2019 because of things put together behind the scenes

Some of the things we put together behind the scenes, it just didn't work out, so we didn't have a chance in the get-go.

U.S. NFL players would dominate Olympic Handball within months

You play a sport that if we decided to stop playing all the other sports, there would be a lot of guys better than what you're doing. ... If we were to take our best NFL players and put them in rugby uniforms... we would be much, much better. ... I'm not saying that I would be a gold medal handballist. I'd be probably a top pro. [Baker] his arm is better than any handballist's arm.

The XFL will eventually take over the NFL

Mark Trestman is good in leagues that don't really matter yet. ... Yeah, because the XFL is going to take over.

Alex Ovechkin is officially better than Wayne Gretzky now that he has 700 goals

Ovi just scored his 700th goal. ... I'm predicting. I'm going to be at the Caps game on Saturday night. I'm going to see him score two more goals. ... And then it's going to happen. Now he's officially better than Wayne Gretzky.

The recent NBA drama between the Warriors and Grizzlies was likely scripted

I'm convinced that there was a script going around to the Golden State Warriors to the Memphis Grizzlies... This is like sweeps week. Everyone in the NBA knew now's our time to strike and they did it with a perfect timing... It was almost a little bit too perfect and too coincidental.

Ja Morant will win Rookie of the Year

And Ja Morant, who I love, future Rookie of the Year, responded with Kevin Durant being like hey who won those rings Kevin Durant?

Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons cannot play together

I mean the Sixers are in a big trouble. I'm prop trust the process. They don't know what to do. They have two guys that can't play together.

Always bet against cold-weather teams when they play in Miami

I've had a long-standing theory that any team from a cold-weather city or a city that's going through cold weather whenever they go to Miami bet against him. Yeah, of course and I mean, it's doubly true when you can see you can literally go on Instagram and see them at the game having a great time.