Takes

The NFL should mandate that brothers always have to play against each other

Brothers should always have to play a game against each other. Yeah. JJ Watt should play a game against TJ Watt and Derek.

Astros players will get beaned all year long

Not a single player is being held responsible... guess what? No one's going to forget about it and everyone's gonna get beaned this year and I'm excited.

George Clooney is a college-level athlete

So Clooney's very, very good. He's college-level athlete. Full college level... [Clooney] was a great baseball player, like college-level baseball recruited for baseball and he really knows how basketball works. Like he knows how to do a pick-and-roll. He understands basketball.

Woody Harrelson has legitimate basketball hops

I thought I could beat Woody... and he destroyed me, man. He was up at the hoop. He could really get right to the hoop... Woody has hops. Yes.

All screenwriting books are absolute bullshit

I just said for the fuck of it one day: All screenwriting books are bullshit. All of them. Read screenplays, watch movies, and let those be your guide... if you have to go to a Radisson for a seminar, it's fake. It's fake.

If you are paying to attend a seminar in a hotel conference room, you are being scammed

If you have to go to a Radisson for a seminar, it's fake. No matter what the subject is, you're paying money to attend a conference room just at a hotel, you got scammed... if you're trying to fill that hole in a hotel conference room, don't go.

Successful creators must ignore the 'safe middle' and focus on what they find fascinating

Executives in any endeavor and any business will always try to get the safe middle. But if you're a creator, you have to ignore the safe middle and you have to be going for what's really fascinating to you... if you can make that stuff compelling enough then people will hang in.

Greg Robinson should use 'I play for the Browns' as a medical defense for his marijuana arrest

You should just say, 'I play for the Browns, I should be allowed to smoke marijuana medically.'

Kevin Love is the Joker of the NBA for undermining his coach and then acting upset when he's fired

It sounds like with Kevin Love, he sounds like the Joker and Batman where he's like, 'I was just chasing cars. I don't know what I would do if I ever caught one.' So his thrill this entire year was just undermining his coach [John Beilein] and insinuating that he should be fired. But now that he actually got fired, Kevin Love's like, 'What now? What do I do?'

The Cleveland Cavaliers will have five coaches in an 18-month span

I want them to fire their interim [J.B. Bickerstaff] between the end of the season because they're going for the record. I think this is their fourth... I need them to get five coaches in like the span of 18 months. I don't think that's possible, but they're knocking on the door.

You only learn a commissioner's name if they have fucked up

If you learn a commissioner's name it's because they fucked up at some point. It's like learning the name of an offensive lineman or a referee in football.

Alex Bregman's comment about getting beaned will bite him during the 2020 season

Alex Bregman said his favorite unwritten rule is the rules that get you beaned with fastballs when you deserve it. So that sucks for Alex Bregman that he had that quote. That's a tough quote hate to see it to now have an entire career facing an entire season.

Buy all your Dayton stock because they have been unbelievable this season

College basketball obviously has been awesome. Dayton, by the way, buy all your Dayton stock because they have been unbelievable. They have like a weird fanbase... but here's me saying something nice about Dayton. Buy all your stock.

The Bengals ownership does not care about winning a Super Bowl

The Bengals—people forget Carson Palmer was ready to retire from the Cincinnati Bengals instead of playing for them. This is a franchise that is not committed to winning. Their ownership does not care about winning a Super Bowl; they just want to be NFL owners, sell some tickets, and maybe go to the playoffs every couple of years.

A third of the NFL franchises don't actually care about winning a Super Bowl

There's probably no joke like a third of the NFL just doesn't want to do it. They just want to be in the NFL and it's like 75 percent of baseball that really doesn't care about that either... hire smart people, step away and run it like a professional franchise.

Ryan Newman surviving his Daytona crash is a testament to NASCAR's safety improvements

The fact that he was able to survive that wreck with serious injuries, but the fact that he's still alive is just incredible and it's honestly like a testament to what NASCAR has done since Dale Earnhardt passed away at the Daytona 500 20 years ago.

College coaches moving to the NBA often fail because they treat grown men like kids

I love when that happens. When a college coach thinks they can go to the pros and be just as much of a dickhead as they were in college and then everyone in the NBA or NFL is like hey, we don't really have to do all these things that you're making us do because we kind of know how to do it ourselves.

Eli Manning belongs in the Hall of Fame

Eli retired. It was time. He belongs in Canton. He should get there. Listen, two Super Bowls, and that last drive, the David Tyree catch, that scramble—that play was dead. I was at that game.

I benched 50 pounds and squatted 100 pounds when I was five years old

Is it true that you benched 50 pounds and squatted 100 pounds when you're five years old? Yeah. [My dad] played in the NFL, that's what we did. Just father-son time weightlifting.

Ole Miss is a morally bankrupt university

So DK, big fan—you played at morally bankrupt Ole Miss in college. Can you speak to the fact, can you make a comment on the fact that you guys had a losing record to arch-rival Mississippi State while you were over there?

I can bench press 500 pounds

What do you bench? 500. [Working on it] a long time.

No one can stop me one-on-one, including Jalen Ramsey

Can anyone stop you one-on-one? No. Not even Jalen Ramsey? No one.

No one can beat me one-on-one

I'm never gonna say somebody beat me one-on-one. [Can anyone?] No.

Aaron Rodgers is over the hill and not good anymore

Aaron Rodgers is over the hill. He's not good anymore. I don't know your Rodgers... you guys got screwed on that spot.

The name 'Vicki' is a red flag and screams trouble in a relationship

The rumors are that Victoria F. is a home wrecker who has broken up multiple relationships. Vicki... the name Vicki just screams trouble to me. Yeah, never met a Vicki in real life that I've been like 'that's a girl that you could settle down with.' Vickis have sass. That's just a fact.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred's comments about the World Series trophy made the Astros scandal significantly worse.

Rob Manfred the commissioner made it even worse by getting in front of reporters and saying the idea of an asterisks or asking for a piece of metal [the World Series trophy] back seems like a futile act... he called the World Series trophy a piece of metal which is not... most dangerous trophy in all sports.

Jose Altuve should have claimed he had steroid-induced back acne instead of an 'unfinished tattoo' to explain his jersey-ripping controversy.

No, it wasn't a tattoo. I was just embarrassed because I had a ton of bacne from all the steroids I was taking. Reframe the conversation. Type of cheating... I was cheating by ingesting substances the cheating that's allowed.

MLB would have moved past the Astros scandal if they had just suspended players for 50 games.

If they had just suspended some of these players for 50 games or something, whatever it may be, it probably would have somewhat gone away. They didn't do anything correctly and it's just going to keep lingering.

Dwyane Wade intentionally gave Aaron Gordon lower scores in the 2020 Slam Dunk Contest because of the Heat-Magic rivalry.

Dwyane Wade knows that classic Heat versus Magic... only big enough for one of us... that took over and that's why he had Aaron Gordon not win. The rivalry is back on.

The NFL has audio from the Miles Garrett/Mason Rudolph incident but is refusing to release it.

The NFL should just they have to have they've got out here. Now, they know they've got audio... I think the NFL had audio because you'll remember they have audio that they play like every Tuesday on Showtime... and their excuse was they have a guy who pushes a button to stop recording in between plays. That doesn't exist.

Tim Tebow is nowhere near the most famous baseball player in the world.

I disagree. [Tebow] is not. Mike Trout, Bryce Harper probably is more famous. Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez... there's a lot of people. Every now and again, an NFL writer likes to flex their muscles by being like, 'Tim Tebow is our guy.' He's just been playing baseball for four years and just sucks.

The Chicago Bulls would have won the 2012 NBA Championship if Derrick Rose hadn't suffered an ACL injury.

If Derrick Rose doesn't go down... I think we're holding the trophy. We're the best team in the league. We got the job in my mind still to this day. There's no question. Nobody was fucking with us.

My tenure with the New York Knicks failed because I was 'too lit' to play in my hometown.

I was in New York City getting paid. What do you want me to do? Sorry, I was lit. It didn't work out for a lot of reasons, but it was a dark time, not a good time in my life. I wanted to bring something to my hometown and it didn't work out.

Kevin Garnett's refusal to be friendly on the court changed Joakim Noah's career and taught him 'no love in battle'.

I remember asking [KG] a question... just trying to be cool like I would just wanted to be I just want to say something to my idol and he just like looked over and he was like... who the fuck you think you talking to... that moment right there changed everything... I learned that there's no love in battle.

Joakim Noah is an NBA Hall of Famer.

There you are one of only five players to have a final four MVP, all-nba first team, all-defensive first team... Hakeem and Anthony Davis, Bill Walton, Jerry West... I think you're a Hall of Famer.

To reach elite levels of greatness, you have to be borderline crazy and believe you can win everything at age 19.

Derrick Rose would be 19 years old and be like, 'Yo, I'm going to win MVP and I'm going to win six championships.' His mindset was just on some other shit. To be great you almost have to be like that.

The DC Defenders are a 'wagon' and will win the XFL Championship.

I'm going to tell you right now. The DC Defenders are a wagon, not your goddamn wagon. There's no one getting in between them and whatever trophy is called for the XFL Championship.

XFL quarterback Landry Jones will be an NFL or college football broadcaster within a year and a half.

I think that he [Landry Jones] wants to get a gig being an analyst or being in the booth next year. I think that's what he's angling for because he's being like super Pro... you will see Landry Jones in some sort of Booth or behind a desk within the next year and a half.

The DC Defenders could beat the Washington Redskins right now.

I'm actually saying that I think that the Defenders could beat the Redskins, but right now I'm saying like the Redskins roster as it stands. They all had to show off. They just showed up. The stadium fair without practicing.

Acknowledging and rooting for a 'simp' is actually an alpha move.

I feel like it's almost more of an alpha move to be able to acknowledge that you root on a simp. It's like when a coach puts in an equipment manager for one touchdown run at the end of the year. That coach is an alpha by showing what a good person they are.

Justin Bieber's 'too bad' DM to Ria on Valentine's Day was a 'flirty' response.

He just like it was in one of those Twitter moments... and her tweet was in there... so he said what do you say to her? Too bad. Too bad. That's a little flirty.

The new 'Elam Ending' format for the NBA All-Star game made it the coolest ending in years.

That was the coolest ending we've had in an All-Star Game in a long time. It was essentially like the best players in the world playing a sloppy pickup game on a Saturday or Sunday morning... but then it actually got really fun. Adam Silver actually did a good job on this one.

Jim Crane's apology somehow made the Astros' cheating scandal significantly worse

The Houston Astros have finally faced the media and I think they somehow made it significantly worse. They're all forgiven. This was a great apology. ... The fact that the owner [Jim Crane] went out there and basically put his foot in his mouth right off the bat and said like, 'yeah we cheated, but the cheating didn't make us win the World Series.' Not a big deal.

The Washington Nationals should be awarded the 2017 World Series title

I actually think that [the Nationals] should get the Astros' 2017 World Series because they beat the team that [was cheating]. They acquire the Astros' cheating World Series because they beat them while they're—the only team that has ever beaten the cheating Astros in a World Series is the Washington Nationals.

Jameis Winston is a future Hall of Famer now that he had LASIK surgery

The guy threw for 30/30 and 5,000 yards and he's blind—or was blind. I know we joke about being a future Hall of Famer, but just think about this. Jameis Winston got LASIK surgery and he can finally see. Next stop, Canton.

I might get an NFL call-up as a 'camp leg' based on my XFL kicking film

I'm also thinking that there's an outside chance that with what I've put on film already and what I will continue to put on film, maybe I get a call for a training camp for an NFL team. Maybe I'm a camp leg... They need camp legs. I'm not worse than Vinatieri. I'm a better kicker than the greatest kicker of all time.

Jay Cutler is 'insane' to think he could win a handball gold medal in three months

He is insane. He cannot win an Olympic medal training two or three months. You have the potential to be amazing athletes and compete at a high level, but when you want to cook that food, you need the technique... It takes time to be able to be a professional and very good handball player. In the short term, it's impossible. In the long term, it takes years.

Tim Howard could become a world-class handball goalkeeper within one year

If we had Tim Howard playing goalkeeper on our team, I feel like he could become a world-class handball goalkeeper within a year because he's got all the technique right there.

American athletes are superior to Europeans in every sport

I think just for the record, if Europe's listening to me, America has superior athletes to Europeans. That's just a fact. We just do. Every single one of them is better than every European in every sport that any European has tried to play.

Jerry Reinsdorf will use photos of the packed United Center from the All-Star Game to fake sellouts for the Bulls

I'm also very woke that I think Jerry Reinsdorf is going to take a shitload of pictures of a full United Center and then start using that for the rest of the season being like 'packed house tonight.' Photoshop, but why is this an All-Star game on the court? Packed house.