Takes

NFL punts into the end zone should be worth two points if the punter weighs over 300 pounds

If you should have a guy who's over 300 pounds punting the ball and if they can punt it into the end zone, it's worth two points no matter where you are on the field.

Markelle Fultz's injury diagnosis sounds like a specialty machine scam

Neurogenic thoracic outlet syndrome. That sounds like a diagnosis that you have to go see many doctors to get... and then the last one, you walk in and the doctor's in a huge lab coat smoking a cigarette. He's like, oh, I know what this is. It's just TOS... either that or if you go to a doctor and the first thing they diagnose you with is TOS – you can bet your ass that doctor has like a $700,000 TOS curing disease machine in his back room.

It is healthy for your dog to watch you having sex because it reinforces that you are the alpha of the household

I actually think it's healthy for your dog to see you humping because it reinforces that you're an alpha. And if they see you having sex, they're like, I need to respect this person more. That's just how the animal kingdom works.

Men primarily grow beards to hide a less attractive face

What is the big deal about guys and beards? Unnecessarily, they're just trying to cover up a less attractive face... Guys, what are you trying to hide?

Firing Mike McCarthy mid-season was the right move for the Packers

I actually I think this is the right move just because that team clearly has quit on him... The Packers were so clearly going to fire him. Why not just put everyone out of their misery? This actually probably helps Mike McCarthy. He can go get another job now.

Melvin Gordon is the first or second best running back in the NFL

Melvin Gordon is like, I think – if not the best running back, probably the second best running back right now in the NFL.

I'm officially 'Done Chaining' the Carolina Panthers

I want to dun-chain the Panthers... The Panthers at 6-6 could easily catch someone and still get in the playoffs, but I honestly— Done chain them. I'm done chaining them. They're done. They don't have any fight. They look like shit.

The Houston Texans are a 'Team of Destiny' to win the Super Bowl

I said to you, by the end of the season, they will have so many stickers and patches on their uniforms and helmets because of all these people dying that are associated with the Texans... This is a team of destiny. They're really good.

The Cleveland Browns are my dark horse team for next year

I think it's a year early for the Browns. We'll put them in that pile. Okay, so they'll be the Regis Philbin pick next year. Yes, they're going to be our dark horse that no one sees coming.

LSU will beat UCF in the Fiesta Bowl

[UCF is] playing LSU, that's right. If they beat LSU, which they're not going to, we're not saying they are, but if they were to beat LSU by double digits, [they should get a shot at the national champion].

Jalen Hurts will be an Alabama legend but won't do anything in the NFL

He's going to be the classic, like, not going to do anything in the NFL, but just be an Alabama legend forever. He'll do autograph signings for so much money for the rest of his life.

The Office will be rebooted within the next six months

I'm now just going to call my shot that within six months, [The Office] will be rebooted... Hank Guarantee. Yep. Six months.

Bruce Arians is the primary name for the Packers head coaching job

Without question, the first name, and I think the only name... Bruce Arians has already been making noise about coaching the crowd. If I'm the Packers, I want Arians because I need somebody who's going to get through to Rodgers.

Mike McCarthy will be a top candidate for the Cleveland Browns job

Don't be surprised if McCarthy's name ends up at the top of the list in Cleveland... I'd be looking for current head coaches to maybe be thinking about trying to get to a place like Cleveland or Green Bay.

Marvin Lewis will return as the Bengals head coach for the 2019 season

Marvin Lewis has a contract through 2019, and Mike Brown, the owner of the team, does not like to pay people [who don't work]. So unless he walks away, I think he's going to be back.

Steve Wilks secured another year as the Cardinals head coach by beating the Packers

I think that Steve Wilks secured his future by getting Mike McCarthy fired today. Yeah, I think that gets him another year.

Either the Packers or the Browns will hire a current NFL head coach to fill their coaching vacancies

I think that one of those two teams [Packers or Browns] will seriously consider trying to hire another head coach from another NFL team... I'd be looking for current head coaches to maybe be thinking about trying to get to a place like Cleveland or Green Bay.

Le'Veon Bell will sign with the Jets for more than $17.5 million per year

I think the Jets, the Jets are the team. And I think the over-under is $17.5 million a year, and I'll take the over.

An NFL team will pick up Kareem Hunt off waivers

I think somebody's going to pick [Kareem Hunt] up... nobody wants to pick them up off waivers, but they're all thinking that somebody else is going to do it... I would actually, I think somebody's going to pick them up.

Urban Meyer fakes health issues when his team loses and is miraculously cured when they win

[Urban Meyer] said that this season they should be in the playoffs because they battled so much adversity... Shelly Meyer [said] winning cures a lot when talking about his health... she's basically saying, yeah, he's an asshole when he loses. He fakes like he's sick when he loses. And then when he wins, he's cured.

The Cowboys created the blueprint for beating the Saints

A blueprint on how to beat the Saints... You've got to play at home, so you've got to stay away from New Orleans. You have to have an all-time defensive performance from your defense. You have to have an all-time terrible performance from Drew Brees. You have to have a coach that secretly wants the Cowboys job.

Sean Payton was trying to be a gentleman by wasting challenges for the Cowboys

I thought it was going to be Sean Payton trying to show off for [Jerry Jones], but instead it was Sean Payton being a gentleman. Tossing his two challenge flags in the first quarter... so that way when there's a terrible first down mark, he can't challenge it in the fourth quarter.

The Cowboys making the playoffs would make Jason Garrett more fireable

If his team is good enough to make the playoffs and get their asses kicked in the first round of the playoffs, that makes him way more fireable than if he goes 9-7 and doesn't make it.

Sean Payton will be the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys in 2019

I've been saying for the last eight months that Sean Payton is going to be the coach of the Dallas Cowboys next year. I'm not saying that Jerry Jones won't offer up a meatball of a trade if he feels like it so he can give Sean Payton a John Gruden-type contract.

Dak Prescott will be the undoing of the Cowboys in the playoffs

Dak Prescott will be the undoing of the Cowboys and they'll still have to extend him... would you ever trust Dak Prescott on a big, maybe fourth quarter, has to drive the team down the field?

The Packers shouldn't even bother with playoff graphics if they don't beat the Cardinals by 21

If the Packers have any chance of going to the playoffs, they've got to win this game by like 21... If they don't win this game by 21, don't even do the graphics. Don't even worry about it. The Cardinals are that bad.

Adam Thielen is better than Calvin Johnson because he broke the consecutive 100-yard games record

Adam Thielen's better than Calvin Johnson. True. Fact. His [Calvin's] best record just got broken by Adam Thielen, bro.

This is the week the Patriots propel themselves back to the top of the NFL

Everyone's been talking about the Rams, Chiefs, Saints. They've all been kind of shown as frauds. They have weaknesses. This will be the week the Pats propel themselves back to the top of the league.

Alabama should get into the CFP even if they lose to Georgia

If you're asking me do I think Alabama gets the fourth spot [if they lose to Georgia], I think absolutely they will be in based on kind of what the committee is doing... it would be hard to believe that they would fall more than three spots out of the top four if they lost.

Alabama would beat Notre Dame by 30 points

I don't think there's going to be much debate, guys, at the end of the weekend... which I think [Alabama] would beat Notre Dame by 30 points.

Kyler Murray's Heisman race is closer than people think

Kyler Murray is surpassing everything Baker Mayfield did last year as far as numbers-wise. And you could even argue he's better... I think it's going to be a really close race. And I think whichever one wins it, I think obviously it's much deserved.

The NCAA needs to fix the chop block and officiating rules

We've made it almost impossible for the officials to officiate a game consistently... when there's variance during the course of a game or during week to week, it just really makes it hard to coach... the rules have gotten screwed up and there's no impetus to change things.

Fullbacks add a necessary toughness to a football team

Fullbacks just add toughness to a team, and I think it was a really good way to articulate the value of a fullback... It just adds to your team's physicality and their toughness, and the way we play, that's really important to us.

Bill Snyder is retiring just so he can get his son hired as his successor

My favorite thing is when coaches are clearly holding on just so they can get their kid hired. And that's probably what happened [with Bill Snyder].

Darren Rovell is suspended from Pardon My Take for six months for inviting himself on the show

Darren Rovell, you cannot invite yourself like this on Pardon My Take. We are now hereby suspending you from appearing on this podcast for how long? I say six months, at least.

No NFL team has ever gone 0-3 then 8-0 and failed to win the Super Bowl

Has any team ever gone 0-3 and then 8-0 and then not won the Super Bowl? It's never happened. It's never happened before.

I don't think the Texans can win three playoff games to reach the Super Bowl

I don't think [the Texans] can win three playoff games, but I do think they can win two playoff games to then get to the Super Bowl. And then if they're in the Super Bowl, it's like... I don't even know what we do.

Cody Kessler is trash

I think Cody Kessler stinks. I think he's trash. He's absolutely trash.

Cody Kessler was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous, not to make the team better

I don't think [Kessler] was there to make Blake Bortles better. I think he was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous. And that's not a recipe for having a good football team.

NASA's Mars Insight lander will find 'evidence of water' that we already knew about

They're going to maybe find traces of what might have been water a billion years ago. But the headlines are going to say evidence of water on Mars, which we already have.

Adults should only want cash for Christmas

If you want to get your significant other something very nice for Christmas, it is C-A-S-H, cash. You become an adult and you realize cash is king... I want the cash so I can pay my bookie.

Aaron Rodgers is an extremely competitive guy who still carries a chip on his shoulder from being overlooked in college

Aaron is an extremely competitive guy, chip on his shoulder kind of guy. He's always played like that. I mean, he still carries the chip around the shoulder that, you know, he didn't get offered by Pete Carroll or he had to go to junior college.

Something in the Packers' organization has to change because they have squandered Aaron Rodgers' prime

Something's going on over there, and something's got to be fixed or changed because they've found a way to kind of squander some of his prime years... something's got to change.

Aaron Rodgers is more talented than Tom Brady

I think from a talent level, definitely Aaron. I mean, the guy's insanely talented, and he's got a photographic memory... [but] I'm going to say, just because of my personal relationship, Aaron Rodgers [is the GOAT].

I saw Jamarcus Russell throw a football 90 yards in street clothes

I witnessed it with my eyes. He was in street clothes. We were walking, leaving practice... He was in the indoor facility, picked up a ball and threw it 90 yards. I'd never seen anything like it.

Baker Mayfield is tipping off Adam Schefter with fake news tips to make him look like an idiot

Baker Mayfield... has been tipping off Adam Schefter with fake shit and making him look like an idiot because he knows we got a little rivalry with the P-Man.

If you had vaccinations, your genitalia wouldn't look like cauliflower

In terms you can understand [Reggie Bush], if Kim Kardashian had gotten the Gardasil vaccine, then your dick wouldn't look like a cauliflower.

The Green Bay Packers are officially dead

The Packers are finally officially dead. They actually look like they don't want to play anymore... It's just over.

Mike McCarthy intentionally calls bad 4th down plays to spite statisticians

He fucking hates those people that tell him that [to go for it on 4th down]. So he's like fine, you know what, I'll do it. All right, we'll see how it works. And then he kind of intentionally calls the worst part possible so it gets blown up so he can be like, see, I told you. It doesn't work.

Marvin Lewis should be fired solely for letting the photo of him and Hue Jackson exist

Easily the dumbest decision that Marvin Lewis has ever made as a head coach was letting Hugh Jackson stand on the sidelines against the Browns because that one single picture... Everyone took that picture and was like, dumb and dumber, look at these two fucking idiots. You have to be smarter to not allow that picture to happen.