Takes

Syracuse's zone defense is essentially cheating and violates the gentleman's agreement of college basketball

I feel like playing the zone defense is something that any team could do in the tournament, but nobody does it because it's cheating, basically. Like, it's a gentleman's agreement that, yeah, we could all play zone and be pretty good at defense. It's like playing against your friend in GoldenEye and they play as Oddjob.

The Larry Sanders Show 'stank' and Gary Shandling was just a 'media pet'

I'm sorry for Gary Shandling's passing. So he did say sorry, but he did not make me laugh even one... time. And Larry Sanders stank. Strictly a media pet.

J.J. Watt is the most basic white bitch in the world

J.J. Watt is the most basic white bitch in the world now. It's official. This is birthday week. [He] wants you to think that he's Rocky training for Ivan Drago and pushing logs up a snowy hill all winter [but] he's got a mansion in Wisconsin with a Starbucks five miles away.

Birthdays are only for girls once you turn 20 years old

Birthdays are for chicks now, right? Like after you turn 20 years old, birthdays are for chicks. Hand over your man card, JJ [Watt]. Birthdays aren't men's stuff anymore.

Coaches should be allowed to bring firearms to practice for motivation

I think the NCAA should reinstate the rule that allows coaches to bring firearms to practices. I think that would — you'd see a lot more toughness coming out of these guys.

Matthew Dellavedova is a better player than Kyrie Irving

Deli is better than Kyrie. How does your starting point guard only have four assists when the team scores 124? Kyrie is more worried about his brand than actually winning. I like this really unathletic, scrappy white point guard more than the all-star black point guard.

Psychiatrists should give out Adderall prescriptions specifically for the first two weekends of the NCAA tournament

I feel like there needs to be a psychiatrist that gives out prescriptions for Adderall specifically for these first two weekends of the NCAA tournament just to get us through Sunday. That's a genuine medical issue that I'm dealing with right now coming down from like a four-day hangover.

Northern Iowa would have won if they played their bench of 'small white guys' who know how to take charges and throw the ball off legs

If they just put their bench in for the end of that game, those guys could at least, I guarantee you, everybody on Northern Iowa's bench could throw a ball off their opponent's leg better than anyone else that was in the game. As a small white guy, that's one thing that I knew how to do really, really well... you put that bench in, you might give up like four or five, six points, but you're not losing that game.

The US government should use March Madness commercials for subliminal brainwashing

If the U.S. government ever wants to do like a Big Brother plot, they should just put subliminal messages in all the commercials in March Madness. They could brainwash all of America in like one full weekend.

The controversy between Raymond Moore and Serena Williams was a staged 'work'

I'm thinking that this guy [Raymond Moore] and Serena were in cahoots. And this was like, let's just get a little buzz going... I think this is all – I think it's a work.

Washing an Oreo under tap water before eating it is 'not that bad'

My buddy was like, oh, have you ever run an Oreo underneath water before you ate it?... He went and got an Oreo and put it underwater and gave it to me. It wasn't that bad.

Ivy League schools shouldn't be allowed to participate in March Madness

All these rich pricks that think they're better than everyone they shouldn't get this experience. No, it's a state school experience only... You fucking Ivy League kids should not get to participate in March Madness.

Chris Jones should be immune to traffic tickets because of his Combine incident

I feel like if you're the guy whose dick broke through his shorts just because he's running too fast you got to get a carte blanche on driving with a suspended license... I've got to side with Chris Jones on this and not the Police Lives Matter crew.

Woodpeckers prove that concussions aren't real because they don't have CTE

If concussions were real, don't you think that woodpeckers would have a lot of concussions? Don't you think woodpeckers have CTE? All they do is just like headbutt trees all day long.

Marshall Plumlee only joined the military to stop people from making fun of him

I don't know if you guys saw, but Plumlee is joining the military after he graduates, which is total bullshit. He's basically saying we can't make fun of him anymore. It's like someone saying they have a disease and you can't make fun of him. I'm pissed that Plumlee took that away from us.

The position parents are in during conception determines their child's athletic ability

I'm not a doctor, but, like, is there a way to tell, like, what position the parents were in when the kid was conceived? ... maybe the Gronkowskis, maybe they've got this stable of just super athletes being poured out of there because, like, maybe [Gordy] and the mom were, like, sprinting in some weird position while the conception occurred.

Cincinnati is always a 'dangerous' team because their coach Bob Huggins might stab you

I think danger in general is you want to be the dangerous team... It implies that like they could either beat you in basketball or maybe stab you... Any Bob Huggins team is going to be dangerous.

Colin Kaepernick wanting to play for the Browns is the second biggest kidnapping story behind Richard Simmons

The whole story about Richard Simmons being kidnapped in his own house, that's only second to Colin Kaepernick saying out loud he wants to go to the Browns. Someone's kidnapped Colin Kaepernick. There's no way his brain got to the point where that's such rock bottom to say, 'oh, yeah, please trade me to the Cleveland Browns.'

Robert Griffin III should rebrand himself as 'Bobby Griffin' to save his career

I got a new quarterback. He's this kid from Texas. He went to Baylor. He won a Heisman. His name is Bobby Griffin. Tell me that guy's not electric... I think Bobby Griffin gets the juices flowing in a GM's mind because you just need to repackage yourself. I'm not RG3 anymore. I'm Bobby Griffin.

I would cut almost any quarterback for 'Bobby Griffin'

If I was the GM of basically any team, except maybe the Patriots and the Packers, I'd cut my quarterback for Bobby Griffin.

The NFL Draft is essentially just kidnapping players for the benefit of the Cleveland Browns

The only reason [the Browns] can get players to play on their team is by essentially tricking them to join the team via the draft. That's pretty much – the draft is kidnapping players, if we're going to be honest with themselves.

Brock Osweiler is the perfect fit to continue the Texans' lineage of awful quarterbacks

Brock Osweiler to the Texans, there has never been a better fit in the entire world. And I'm not talking about fit like, oh, the Texans need a quarterback... I'm talking about Brock Osweiler is the perfect guy to continue the Houston Texans mantle of awful quarterbacks. David Carr, Sage Rosenfels, T.J. Yates, Matt Schaub, Brandon Weeden, Ryan Mallett, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Brian Hoyer.

Hating bat flips is the ultimate litmus test for being a bad person

Is there a better litmus test in the world than people who hate bat flips being like just shitty people. Like if you hate a bat flip, it's basically like people who like kill like puppies and people who hate bat flips. That's the quickest way to figure out if you're a bad person. If you don't like bat flips, I don't even know where I would love to hear someone explain to me how they got to the point where they're like, goddamn backflips.

The band 311 is one of the top five most overrated bands of all time

In honor of 311, I'm going to talk about overrated bands. And number one on my list is the band 311. ... 311 is the band that your friend in middle school that started smoking weed before everybody got really into. ... The fact is that 311 just sucks. And they have maybe one or two songs that I will not change the radio station to. But overall, I would say that 311 is, even when you're high, 311 is one of the top five most overrated bands of all time.

Oasis is an overrated band because they were just confusing the marketplace by ripping off the Beatles

My one overrated band, I'm going with Oasis because I honestly – you want to talk about copyright infringement? I thought Oasis were the Beatles for a really long time. So I'm saying Oasis. They clearly were trying to rip off the Beatles and make everyone – they were confusing the marketplace. And I don't appreciate that.

ESPN definitely picked the wrong people to mess with because we have nothing to lose

I think they definitely picked the wrong people to fuck with on this one. Like we got nothing to lose.

Barstool and Disney/ESPN are closer in value than people think

I'm not saying that Disney and Barstool are, like, maybe equal in terms of stock, but we're closer than people think.

Sam Bradford is basically Philly's Holocaust Museum

This is going to be called a hot take. But Sam Bradford is basically Philly's Holocaust Museum... They kept Sam Bradford as a living reminder to not go back to the Chip Kelly era. So every time they look at him, every time they see him walking to the facility, they're like, oh, boy, we can't go back to that place. That was a dark spot.

Meth Johnny Manziel would be better than weed Johnny Manziel because you want him on edge

I would put meth Johnny Manziel over weed Johnny Manziel because weed would mellow him out too much... you want Johnny like on edge, right? You want him to be running around a little bit. The best plays that he had when he was in college were like, he was tweaking almost like he was just panicked.

Johnny Manziel's drug power rankings are: Meth #1, Cocaine #2, Weed #3, and Alcohol in the basement.

Take it back meth Johnny Manziel number one cocaine Johnny Manziel number two and then weed Johnny Manziel number three a distant third and and we all can agree power ranking wise alcoholic Johnny Manziel's in the basement it's dead last.

The Washington Redskins are exactly like Nazi Germany because they win the offseason but get bent over once the actual war starts

I would compare the Redskins to Nazi Germany because the Redskins like to win the offseason every year. And Nazi Germany was also very good about taking over countries when there wasn't an actual war going on. And then once the war started, they got bent over by the Russians and the United States. So I would characterize the Washington Redskins as being very Hitler like in their approach to football.

The Green Bay Packers are the Vietnam of the NFL because they only use homegrown talent and no one wants to play there.

My team is the Packers. They are Vietnam. And simply because... all homegrown talent. They don't make a lot of splashy moves. You really don't want to go play there. You're never going to like, you're never like, Oh, I want to go play at Lambeau. I want to go play, you know, have a war in Vietnam.

The New England Patriots are the Russia of the NFL because of the spying and the 'Cold War.'

Russia and the Patriots, right? It's a natural fit. It's the cold war. They're spying on us. Patriots, Spygate, it's a perfect melange of the two. I don't think that you can find actually a better fit than that.

Roger Goodell is the best commissioner the NFL has ever seen

I actually wanna do the opposite of killed Goodell. I want to make sure Goodell stays in power forever. 'cause I love what he's done to the Patriots and he's just like a personal hero of mine. I think that he's, he's the best commissioner of the league's ever seen.

The Colts should have fired Chuck Pagano and kept Bruce Arians as head coach in 2012

My application to Bleacher Report was saying that the coach should fire Chuck Pagano and keep Bruce Arians as their head coach. And this was a season that he had cancer... And I was like, this is a results league and Arians is, is carrying the team and Chuck Pagano is costing them a fortune in medical bills.

Kornheiser and Wilbon use the 5th minute of PTI as a crutch; we are better journalists than they are

I think what we're planning on doing what, four good minutes, not five good minutes. Kornheiser and Wilbon maybe use that extra minute as a crutch. It is a crutch. Yeah. No, we're much better interviewers and journalists than they are.

Chris Jones' physical endowment is a hate crime against white people

I think you could make the claim that it was maybe a hate crime against white people that that he looked so physically well endowed that his package straight up burst through his shorts while he was running.

Interim head coaches are the best part of the NFL

Interim head coaches are without a doubt the best part of the NFL.

Instead of going back in time to kill Hitler, we should go back to make Hitler comparisons earlier

Maybe instead of going back in time to kill Hitler, we should figure out a way to make people go back in time so that we can be able to make comparisons to Hitler before Hitler rises to power. And a lot of people don't think about that type of thing, but I do.

Throw away the red no-contact jerseys — all lives matter on my football team

I'd also take the red no-contact shirts that the quarterbacks and the kickers wear. I'd throw them in the trash. We don't discriminate on my football team. All lives matter. If you can't handle your contact, then I can't handle your contract.

If you're swallowing you're wallowing — players shouldn't need water breaks

I turn off the water supply of the building, too. If you're swallowing, you're wallowing. I want players who don't need water breaks. It's also an unnecessary expense, and the owner will be very appreciative of my cost-cutting efforts.

Masturbation strike until Rob Ryan gets an interim head coaching opportunity

I am personally willing to put my money where my mouth is for a Rob Ryan head coaching tenure. I'm ready to go on a masturbation strike until Rob Ryan gets at least an interim head coaching opportunity. No Rob, no rub. That's a fact. It's quite literally the least I could do.

J.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt — having the flu is an advantage

If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.

Kids should preemptively tear their ACLs like a Tommy John procedure

If a running back was born without two knee ligaments, then they wouldn't have had their entire life to become over-reliant on their knee ligaments, and they'd actually be fine. So what I'm advocating is almost like a Tommy John type deal. It's an operation for the young kids. You preemptively tear both your ACLs, and so then that way they have more time to unlearn the bad habits that you get from playing on healthy knees before you become a pro.

Being 6-0 isn't impressive because every team has been undefeated at some point

A lot of people forget that at some point this year, every single team has been undefeated. So is 6-0 really that impressive for you guys?

NFL pros shouldn't have contact with college teams if college players can't contact pros

I'm of the mindset that if you're in college and you're not allowed to have any contact whatsoever with a professional team or an agent, then when you're a professional, you should not have any contact with your college team or you should not be able to take a class or learn anything really.

NFL teams should scrimmage during the bye week to keep working

Teams should do a full contact scrimmage on Sunday during the bye week at any rate just to keep the work going.

Andy Dalton's red hair gives the Bengals an unfair competitive advantage

His hair seems to be almost more red than it was last year. Like he's doubling down on his Dalton. Do you think it's unfair that Andy Dalton has something different than any other quarterback in the NFL? There's no way that you can game plan for that. What are you going to put in on scout team? Are you going to hire one of the guys from Pete and Pete to be a situational scout team player so that you can prepare for that on Sunday?

Arian Foster should convert to Christianity to improve his play

Arian Foster is a noted atheist. If there's one thing that God hates more than the devil, it's people like Foster who don't have the courage to believe in anything beyond the nose on their face.

Atheism is the default setting for humans — a lazy man's religion

Atheism, it's a lazy man's religion because it's the default setting for humans. When you get reincarnated, God hits the reset to manufacturer specifications button on your soul, and it's up to you to figure out a way out of the mess.