Takes

The Beyond Meat COO bit a man's nose because he craved real animal protein

My hot seat is beyond meat. The COO. Yes. Of beyond meat after the Arkansas, Missouri game bit a guy's nose in a parking lot. And that's just a class example of a guy craving real animal protein.

Having a baby will give me 'dad strength' to win a major

I've I've, I've heard that. That is in a big part of momentum. And also I've heard a lot of guys see, you get dad strength for a little bit. So maybe at Augusta I'll just be bombing it. Outta nowhere. So I'm looking forward to the, to the perspective I will gain. And the dad strength. I think that those are the things I've been missing in the majors.

The 'He is Him' phrase is being overused in the NFL

I think there's too many hymns right now. It's like church. There's a lot of them. There's a lot of 'em going around. I think, you know, if everybody's great. Nobody's great. So we gotta, I there's gotta be a new word.

Frank Reich is officially on the hot seat and could be the first coach fired

I think Frank Reich is officially on the hot seat... nothing tells you that more than the quotes that he had after the game... I don't know what—I do think Frank Reich is now up there for coach to be fired first.

The Bears should run the triple option because nobody can defend it in pro football

The Bears should run the triple option. People would not be able to defend the triple option... you can't tell me that teams would want to play the triple option in pro football.

The Giants are a borderline playoff team if they get a few bounces

I'm a believer in the Giants with a couple bounces here and there being like a borderline playoff [team]. They can be feisty.

The Dolphins aren't built to win in the cold and will struggle once the weather turns

I'm going to start buying into the whole storyline of this team [Dolphins] isn't built to win in the playoffs once the weather turns cold... I can't wait until they break out like the candy ass Aqua uniforms and you've got people actually doing that take of like, I don't think that the Dolphins can win in wintertime.

The Browns should fire 'Brownie the Elf' as their midfield logo for the bad vibes

You gotta change Brownie the Elf. They tried putting Brownie the Elf at midfield. Brownie the Elf is 0 and 1. Sometimes you gotta know when to cut your losses... Scapegoat Brownie the Elf as your midfield logo and be like, 'we're going back to the helmet'.

The 49ers are now Super Bowl contenders again because Jimmy Garoppolo is back

I didn't know what Trey Lance was going to be... I do think that like, Niners, I now put them back into the contender territory because I know what Jimmy G is.

The Giants will go 3-0 after beating the Cowboys next week

I think the Giants will go 3 and 0 [by beating the Cowboys].

Mac Jones is the worst kind of quarterback to have because he is just good enough to keep you wondering if he's 'the guy'

The problem with the guy that flashes 'the guy' is, he's not 'the guy'. I'd rather have a guy that does not flash ever... the ball test is not going to be friendly to Mac Jones in year three. It's going to be bad.

The Texans will win five games this year

I think they're [Texans] going to win five games this year.

The Detroit Lions are good and would be a playoff team if the version of them from the first half of the Commanders game shows up

That first half, that first half was the best half of football I've maybe ever seen. I actually think that the Detroit Lions, those Detroit Lions from the first half, if that's the team that shows up, they can win playoff games.

Kirk Cousins is 'activated' and I'm a believer again

I actually probably hate Kirk Cousins more than anybody else in the media. And now I'm like, I think I like Kirk Cousins again... I think he's one of those guys that's been activated.

The Falcons will eventually put Desmond Ridder in and he'll provide momentum for the 2023 season

If things start to go south Arthur [Smith], you should just put Desmond Ridder in, in the second half of the season... have him throw to Kyle Pitts a few times. And Drake London, maybe you cover a few spreads... then next year it's like, wow. Synergy.

The 49ers are more of a Super Bowl contender with Jimmy Garoppolo than they were with Trey Lance

I didn't know what Trey Lance was going to be... I do think that like, Niners, I now put them back into the contender territory because I know what Jimmy G is... They're Super Bowl odds dropped like they're better now.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Raiders win the Super Bowl

The Raiders are officially my pinky team. I don't know if we're gonna clap. We clapping for that? I guess. So if the Raiders win the Super Bowl, I will cut off the tip of my pinky. I was through the half, I was like, the Cardinals are the greatest pinky team.

The Texans will win a game this year where they are 10-point underdogs

Watch out for the Texans. They will win a game where they are 10 point underdogs this year... they will be a game where they will, they'll be like 10, 12 point underdogs. They'll win the game.

Aaron Judge will break the AL home run record in the final two weeks of the season

Aaron Judge, two more home runs today. He's at 59, two shy of Roger Maris. These final two weeks got to be locked in. Even if you're not a Yankee fan, this is history. 61 home runs is the Yankee record and the non-steroid record.

Justin Herbert is to blame for the pick-six because he should have known Gerald Everett was gassed

I'm gonna blame Justin Herbert for that pick-six and not [Gerald] Everett, because he should have known that Everett was tired and asking out of the game and he should have gone to somebody else. If Justin Herbert's the guy that he's supposed to be... then he needs to be able to make the decision to go somewhere else with that ball and not to your receiver who's puking all over himself.

Brandon Staley has 'blue-pilled' himself into becoming a conservative coach

It's almost like Brandon Staley flew too close to the sun last year. And you know how in the Matrix you get red-pilled or you get blue-pilled? ...Brandon Staley blue-pilled himself and he's going back to being just like a normal conservative coach. Punting on fourth and short, fourth and third. I don't like that. I like Brandon Staley a little crazy.

The 2007 college football season was the best season of all time

Sometimes you don't know that you're experiencing the season of a lifetime until like 20 years later and then you look back on it. [2007]... Holy shit, what a year. I'll just watch like a compilation of everything that happened in the 2007 college football season and just sit there for like 20 minutes being like, 'Oh yeah, I remember that. That was awesome.'

Alabama would beat the Houston Texans by 41 points

[The] Texans play against Alabama... Alabama by 41.

Jeff Bezos hates fat people, poor people, and people with weak bladders

I'm pretty confident in saying Jeff Bezos hates fat people. He hates poor people. It's people who have like weak bladders, he hates. There's a lot of people that Jeff Bezos finds disgusting. That's a fact.

I'm taking the Broncos -10 over the Texans because of the altitude advantage

Denver Broncos minus 10 makes no sense to me and therefore I'm gonna take it. The Broncos lost in September at home... they're covering machines because of the altitude and the heat... that combo is a killer.

Kyler Murray will play poorly because of the Modern Warfare II beta release

I'm taking the Raiders in this one because this weekend we've got Modern Warfare II's beta coming out. So it's the first weekend where people can play the next Call of Duty dropping... Kyler is gonna have to spend a lot of time on the sticks this weekend... Kyler is gonna play with whatever version of a video game hangover that he plays with.

The Detroit Lions should be three-point underdogs to every team in the NFL regardless of the opponent

I did have the Commanders as my underdog... I think the line is five points off. I think it's Commanders by three. Every team—again, this is my model that I've had the boys in the back crunching some numbers on—the Detroit Lions... I think that they should be three-point underdogs to every team in the NFL, regardless of team.

Gisele Bündchen is furious that Tom Brady decided to un-retire and play another season

Gisele gave a very interesting interview earlier this week. She said like, 'I've been a good supportive wife now, it's my time.' Pretty much. She's so mad at Tom Brady for coming back, so mad. He was supposed to just be babysitting this year... then two weeks in the off-season, Tom's like, 'You know what, can you just watch the kids for another year?'

Tom Brady would have stayed retired if Adam Schefter hadn't leaked the news early

I am—I know it sounds crazy, but I do think [Gisele] should not be mad at Tom Brady. She should be mad at Adam Schefter. Because I think if Tom Brady was allowed to announce his own retirement, he might have stayed retired. Schefter ruined everything.

Patrick Ricard could literally run through a brick wall

I did the math with [Patrick Ricard's] 40 time and his weight and size. He could run through a brick wall. He is literally the Kool-Aid Man... he could still generate enough force to go through a brick wall.

The Commanders have a top three receiving core in the NFL

I think about the Commanders... I think they have a top three receiving core in the NFL. I think it's like, it's that fucking good.

Sean Payton is still the 'shadow coach' of the New Orleans Saints

I stand by my take that Sean Payton is like a shadow coach of this team because he didn't expect to not be coaching this year. I think you saw the Taysom Hill touchdown run that had Sean Payton's fingerprints all over it.

The only chance the Bears have to beat the Packers is if the game is very low-scoring

I'm gonna take the Bears-Packers under 42... The only chance the Bears have is if it's very, very low scoring. So I'm just rooting for a low-scoring game.

Everyone has 'Game Seven' moments in their life, even outside of sports

Everyone has 'em. We have a lot of them. We just think of them only as sports things. But my Game Seven was the day that we were gonna do the pilot for Taxi. There was so much anticipation for this... my Game Seven was this: Jim Brooks sent me a little creepy little plant. And on it, it had a card and said, 'Dear Danny, as Louie De Palma would say, if you don't do good tonight, you'll be eating shit tomorrow.'

I am officially the next Wolverine

I am pumped baby. No, I'm like, you're talking to the next Wolverine. I'm gonna do it. I'll... get those fans, you know, get me the job.

Seahawks fans deserved to lose the SuperSonics

The Seahawks take, which was correct... I think what people got really mad about is when you said like you deserve to lose the Sonics. Yeah. That Joe sports... because the Sonics like just straight up, they left, they fucked over the city of Seattle.

Andrew Luck was a 'busted chaw' and is an overrated quarterback

Andrew Luck: busted chaw, bad for town. Okay? Fact. Game over and debate. I've had people fucking bitching and complaining... 'Andrew Luck was great?' Every time they make excuses for him, it disgusts me.

Tuna is the beef of the sea and Salmon is the chicken of the sea

Tuna is the beef of the sea. Salmon's the chicken of the sea. [Big Cat: Tuna cans literally say chicken of the sea.] No, because it's red. It's the beef.

Seahawks fans will eventually cheer Russell Wilson in a few years once the rawness of his departure fades

I think if this game took place at any point, other than this year and especially week one, it might be a little different. So if Russell Wilson plays for eight more years and he comes back to Seattle at the end of his career, I think they will cheer him. I think it's just so raw... The rawness of it, the fact that it was week one, I think that if it happens... eight years from now or say, let's even say Russ goes somewhere else... I think they might be a little bit more receptive to 'em and be like, Hey, that was cool when you won us a Super Bowl.

Russell Wilson's former Seahawks teammates are relieved he is gone because he was annoying to be around

I've gotta take about the Seahawks. It's about the players themselves. Not having Russ Wilson around anymore. I think they're kind of relieved. Oh dude. I think that it's like a weight off their shoulders. Not having to worry about like plugging Russ in, in the locker room, making sure that his software's up to date... He made the team competitive for 10 years. And to a certain extent, you have to pretend to like a guy like that when he's in the locker room... once a guy like that leaves the weight off your shoulders is just enormous. Now you're like, oh shit, Geno Smith is a normal person.

Nathaniel Hackett's end-of-game failure happened because he has never played Madden

This is just a rookie head coach doing rookie head coach, I think. And if he'd played enough Madden in the past, he would understand exactly how to handle that end of game situation. This is a problem with too many, too many teams are hiring offensive defensive coordinators that have spent their lives on the sidelines... but have never picked up a fucking controller in their lives and played Madden. Right. If they play Madden, they know exactly how to handle the end of game experience.

I have zero regrets about writing off Geno Smith before his breakout Week 1 performance

I was okay writing Geno Smith off. I have, I, I think that was, I, I don't have regrets of writing off the guy who was 13 and 21 as a starter going into this game. The guy who got punched in the face by a defensive player on his team, on the jets, because he refused to pay him $600... I was comfortable writing Geno Smith off. I was cover machine though. He is, he is... I am fully comfortable being right off Geno Smith territory.

Jerry Jones secretly likes it when his starting quarterbacks get hurt because it creates more storylines for the Cowboys

I, in a sick way, I kind of think that Jerry Jones almost likes it when his starting quarterbacks hurt. Yeah. Because it, it, it keeps them in the news the entire time. That's true. And Jerry Jones can go on the, on the radio every week and be like, yeah, I'm expecting Dak to be back next week. And then that's another week of storylines about the Dallas Cowboys.

Jerry Jones is woke because he once 'solved racism' by winking and kneeling before a game.

Jerry Jones is woke. You remember you remember that picture of him kneeling? Yeah. That's an all time moment. I think in NFL history. Yeah... Jerry Jones like at midfield looking like fucking captain Morgan. Yeah. Just taking a big knee, smiling like winking at the Camry. He's like I did it. I solved racism.

There will be revisionist history about Andrew Luck proving he was much better than we gave him credit for

I do think there's gonna be some Andrew luck revision where it's like, oh yeah, he was really that fucking good. And his, he was, he was on a, like, his teams were not good. And they, he was a very good quarterback... I'm saying like, he, he, people will say, oh, he was way better than we gave him credit for. That's the revisionist.

Seattle is a bad sports town because they booed a quarterback who won them a Super Bowl.

My hot seat is Seattle. Just bad sports town. Booing, booing or Superbowl quarterback... one super bowl was plenty. That should be enough to be a legend in your town forever. And that's why they lost NBA team.

Texas A&M is a cult

Texas a and M is a cult. Yeah. I, I say this as somebody that knows a lot of Aggies. I lived in Texas for about 10 years. They're cult. A lot of 'em are nice people, but nice people who are in a cult. What was the thing the guy was doing where he, like, he would do that every time? That's that's the horse laugh. Oh my God. They've got entire, they have an entire like catalog and encyclopedia of different hand motions and body motions that these yell leaders have to make at certain points. They're just, they're just cults.

Robert Saleh taking 'receipts' on his haters is a dangerous game that will only make the mocking worse if they lose

Robert Saleh went in front of the media on Monday and said... 'we're all taking receipts on all the people who continually mock... and I'm gonna be more than happy to share them with all of you when all is said and done.' ... I will put myself down as a receipt. He can, he can absolutely come back and dunk on me when the jets become a super bowl team. But yeah, that was he he's, he's taking receipts... if they're not good this year, he could get fired. And if they're not good next year, he definitely will get fired. So yeah, those receipts, it's tough to say that.

I won't sign as a backup for the Buffalo Bills because every starter I back up gets hurt

Let's think about, and you know, the history, some of the history of my career everywhere, I've been where I've been a backup, the starter goes down everywhere. It doesn't matter where I go. It doesn't matter who it is. It doesn't matter. The circumstance. We've got a broken jaw. We've got dislocated hips. We've got Liz Frank injuries. I would not want to do that to my boy, Josh [Allen].

I purposely stopped practicing while benched in Miami to prove I could come out of the stands and play at any moment.

When I got benched in Miami and Flores started doing the, Hey, let's put him in at the end of the game thing, I did not practice. I was there. I watched, I helped, I was active in meetings. I did not practice and throw a ball in practice from the time I got benched until the time you saw me play those games... cuz I wanted to prove to myself that I could come out of the stands at any point and play. And I did and I proved it to myself.