Takes

Tom Wilson is unfairly targeted by NHL officials and the league

I would say Tom Wilson... I die on several hills for him every year. I do think that he is targeted by the NHL. I think he's targeted by refs.

Watching sports on the couch is better than being at the games

Honestly, getting to watch games on your couch is way better than being at the games usually anyways. sitting on your couch at home with your own snacks and your own food, it's awesome.

The Commanders' Super Bowl window is officially open right now

I don't think it's delusional to say that I am, I'm existing inside of a Super Bowl window right now. ... The window's cracked right now and I'm, I'm thinking about opening it up. There's a nice draft that's coming through.

Every sports player should be allowed to fight one fan per year

I have the rule that they should enact in all sports. That every player gets to fight one fan once a year. Because that solves that. [Anthony Rendon] gets to fight that guy who called him a pussy, beat his ass. He called him a bitch, beat his ass. And then no one's gonna fuck with the rest of the [players] because he'll be like, wow, Anthony Rendon beat the fuck out him.

Best action movies are essentially porn but with fighting instead of sex

In college I would do man movie Fridays and we would watch the worst action movie you can watch. Bloodsport, Under Siege, Cobra. It's basically like watching porn, but instead of fucking, they just beat the fuck out of each other because the dialogue's that bad. Best of the Best 2, maybe my favorite movie ever.

Brandon Staley was supposed to turn the Chargers into a championship team

I thought Brandon Staley was gonna turn this whole Chargers thing around. I was like, this guy knows Ball. This guy has, it's a new C word team. Forget your father's Chargers.

Career decisions and outcomes in your twenties are ultimately inconsequential to the rest of your life.

Don't compare yourself to [classmates]. You're going to feel like you have to compare yourself to them... it doesn't mean anything for the course of your life. What you do in your twenties can be ultimately inconsequential to what happens for the rest of your life. So don't rush into being an adult too quick.

Traveling with kids is a 'trip', not a 'vacation'

It's vacation when you don't have children with you. And it's a trip when you do, because you're not, it's not a vacation when you bring your kids... Away game parenting is so much harder than a home game.

The best way to build a youth basketball dynasty is to teach every player how to shoot skyhooks

This is actually serious. If you really want to be a dynasty and don't like be a Dick about it and run them too hard, teach them all how, how to shoot skyhooks. You can't guard it. You would not be able to guard it. Skyhooks for everyone.

Ryen Russillo would 'snap Hank in half' in a fight

Dude, he would... No offense, but [Ryen] Russillo would snap you in half. ... if you versus Russillo, you're not that guy.

I would bail any PMT cast member out of jail for killing a man, but not a woman

I think if it was another man, I'd bail all of you guys out for killing another man. Well, no, I would not bail you out if you killed a woman. I think I'd bail you guys out if you guys were like, hey, I got into beef with another man, had to kill him. I'd be like, alright, fine, fuck it, let's roll.

The cancelation of Barstool Van Talk saved their lives

We would all be super mega rich film stars or dead. Dead. That's my go-to answer when everyone, if anybody asks me a question like that, it's like, yeah, I would have died within six months. We did it for fucking seven days and I was pooping blood.

Dads love it when their sons come home from college for the first time because they see them as their "party kid"

I think what you can do is, especially with your dad, dads love their sons going off to college for the first time. Cause they come back that first break and dad's like 'there's my party kid right there.' Your dad will probably drink with you on the first night. Maybe be a little hungover... and then you've already established that you drink in his house now.

Thin sugar cookies with sprinkles are the superior Christmas cookie

I just like the sugar cookies with the, the like the straight up like the thin sugar cookies with the sprinkles on it that you can eat like a thousand of them.

An Xbox is the best breakup gift to give during the holidays

What's the best gift to get someone that you want to break up with after the holiday season? An Xbox, I'm just going to say it. Like something that will keep them entertained. Because if you break up with him after giving him an Xbox, he's not going to be talking to you anyways. At that point it will just be obsessed with his new video game system.

The Fire Fest segment is a better version of the old Jimbo segment

Fire Fest sounds a lot cooler. I think that if you just keep saying Fire Fest, it will be at the beginning of when it's cool again. We're waiting it out. We're squatting on Fire Fest. Eventually people will start saying Fire Fest again and they'll be like, 'Oh wait to rip off Pardon My Take.'

It is better to be freezing inside with no heat than sweating with no AC

I'd rather be cold than hot. [With no AC] you can almost like figure it out... take off my t-shirt, wear some shorts, no underwear... [but] I had my heat die in Chicago when it was 10 degrees out and you can't move. It gets so, so cold inside.

Skee-Ball is a bizarre hobby; get a girlfriend instead

[Listener:] I'm officially addicted to [Skee-Ball] to the point where I spend my Friday nights doing so, do you have any advice to knock this bizarre hobby? [Big Cat:] I would find a girlfriend.

Winning a foot race against your girlfriend is a lose-lose situation

I don't care how much gloating she was doing before the fact if you beat your girlfriend and a foot race, and then you're like, yes suck it bitch. I'm faster than you. That's probably going to end your relationship. So you almost have to throw it.

I could outkick Jay Feeley if we were both forced to kick field goals while wearing suits and reporting on the sideline

Could PFT outkick Jay Feeley now if they were both wearing suits and reporting on the sideline and immediately got called in to start kicking field goals? Definitely. Jay Feeley's a fucking loser. He needs his two little weird gloves to be able to kick. I don't need that shit.

The first day of March Madness is the most stressful betting day of the year

First day of March Madness. Because there's just so much that can go wrong, and if it goes wrong, you're... you can be in a hole and look up out of the hole and be like, how am I going to get out of this hole? And then it's, oh, whoops, it's also a sinkhole.

Always bet the 'Under' on bowl games played on Christmas

I always do Christmas unders. Got to go Christmas time unders although it's hot on the block right [Ben] Herbert, but I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Just the first game right? No first three games.

Jameis Winston's stats are only better than Peyton Manning's because of the era

This is how the new-age NFL [is]. This is why the Jameis Winston/Peyton Manning stats are ridiculous when you actually adjust them for era. It's like, yeah, of course Jameis Winston has these numbers that are better than Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning still played partially in the old NFL.

The Astros tried to perform a 'karma' exorcism by firing Brandon Taubman

The karma is they're trying to win the karma back so they can win some games... They basically did an exorcism on themselves.

ESPN essentially gifted China territorial rights to an island by using an inaccurate map

The map that ESPN showed had the nine-dash line at the bottom right corner of China... which isn't on a map and it's not even a real thing. But the fact that they were fed this map means that ESPN is now giving territorial rights to the South China Sea to China, which they don't own. So ESPN just basically gifted China an island on national television today.

Dan Snyder will outlive me as the owner of the Redskins

Dan Snyder... is going to outlive me. I've accepted it. He's either made a deal with the devil or he's got like a blood-sucking operation where he gets rejuvenated with the blood of 13-year-olds every two weeks.

Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because of Zeno's paradox

If you really want to get philosophical ... Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because in order to get ten yards you first have to go five yards. And then you have to get five yards. You have to go two and a half yards and so you will never actually make it all the way to a down.

Zeke Elliott should sit out the entire 2019 season to maintain his leverage

If I'm Zeke, I'm sitting out the whole season. I got more power to Zeke on this one. Zeke, don't play this year at all.

I will make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday as President

I'm opening my candidacy for president... Day after the Super Bowl, national holiday. Done.

I'm 'killing' Walgreens because of their partnership with Elizabeth Holmes and Theranos

I'm going to kill Walgreens because they partnered up with Theranos. And they took people's blood and screwed it up. [Big Cat: But she was pretty convincing.] She was. I don't blame Walgreens... [Big Cat: I would get duped too.] Okay. I'm still killing Walgreens.

Raphael is the best and only cool Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

I'm a Raphael. Raphael was the bad boy who April had a crush on... Raphael was the one who would always get them in trouble because he was such a badass. Raphael was the one, he was like the guy who kind of, the straw that stirred the drink.

Boneless wings are just chicken nuggets

A boneless wing... It's a fun fact. They're not even wings... They're chicken nuggets.

Skyline Chili is terrible and only worth eating for the laughs

If I never stepped foot into Skyline Chili again, that would be fantastic. But then whenever we're in the Ohio area, PFT's like, it would be funny if we went to a Skyline. ... [We] sit there silently trying one bite and being like, nope, still terrible.