Takes

No one ever needs to actually 'check out' of a hotel

I've never checked out of a hotel in my entire life... The most I've ever done is once in a while... put your room key in here when you leave. Other than that... I think I threw it in the trash.

PFT Commenter is done dunking forever - retiring from attempting to dunk

My fire fest. I don't think I'm gonna dunk again. I think I'm gonna have to learn how to play below the rim. So I'm calling it quits on attempting to dunk anymore in my future.

Fasting is the worst thing ever

I realized I was such a bitch. ... Anyone who tries to tell you the fasting is the way to go. It ain't, it ain't the way to go.

The James Madison vs. Oregon playoff game is not a health and safety issue

Bud Elliot said that it was possibly a health and safety issue... he was like, I'm worried for the health and safety of JMU playing against Oregon... Stop saying it's a health and safety issue. Okay... fuck it, let's go win the game.

I have lost all hope in this Eagles team and they have to win me back

I have lost all hope in this Eagles team. They got, they have to win me back. I'm opening up that they could win me back. But right now, they have to prove it.

Solo dates are the superior way to experience the movies

I went on, I guess what someone called solo date the other day. I thought it was okay. I thought it was like a rec, a super normal thing to do... You ever, you ever go to the movies solo? Yes sir. All the time. That's great. I think that's the best way to go to the movies.

Hank is the 'glue guy' of the show and it would fall apart without him

Hank's the glue guy of this show. So I always has been. It means you're the glue. If you weren't here, this show would fall apart.

Evanston at 11:00 AM is the toughest place to play in the country

I have a longstanding theory that Evanston at 11:00 AM is the toughest place to play in the country. And then Fox has a stats person who looked it up to try to give me some juice for it. It was just like, this is probably why.

Kirk Cousins is a better quarterback than Justin Fields

Kirk Cousins is a better quarterback than Justin Fields memes... I'm just telling you like, that is a, your season might end up turning. That's where I'm trying to come from. Like that's a guy who you could maybe go a little bit further in the season.

I am officially retiring from participating in physical sports challenges

My fire fest is pretty simple. My body is broken. I'm, I'm too old for some of this shit. I did tweet that I was thinking about retirement, like not retirement from like this show, but retirement from our physical challenges. We played, we did six hour stream on Tuesday night... softball on Wednesday... oh my god, I can't walk right now. I think I need to retire from sports. I need to be a walking guy.

Sugar cones with soft serve ice cream is crazy

I think sugar cones with soft serve is crazy. I think it's crazy. Soft serve ice cream will drip. ... Sugar cone's guaranteed dripping. ... Sugar cone is a classic ice cream cone [for scoops], not a soft serve cone.

Pistachios are a grand slam nut

I would put pistachio on my Mount Rushmore of nuts. ... Peanut is a double off the wall. I enjoy peanuts. But you talk about a grand slam, now we're talking pistachios. ... It might be my favorite nut.

The broomstick putter is superior for putting but makes the user look like a douche bag

I was putting as, as good as I ever have and I've just been battling wrestling with myself on if I'm gonna actually use it in real life... understandably so people are gonna be like, that guy is the biggest douche bag of all time... but I at least have to feel it out.

The 'Sharknado' meta and Smurf accounts are ruining Marvel Rivals

The developers of Marvel rivals... are tanking the game. So they're, they're allowing these guys to do... Smurf account... and then they've changed the team up and now there's a sharknato that you can light on fire and the sharknato is ruining the game. It's bad.

It is not gay to take a shower in a gym locker room after a workout

I finally look up, I'm like, is he yelling at me? And he's staring at me... 'bro, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck is this gay shit, bro, you gonna shower?'... I really do. I love Joey Swoll. Love his content. He's the best. Joey, I need you to weigh in on this. Am I outta line? Should, should. Is it gay as shit to shower after you work out?

Big men everywhere start dreading April because they lose the ability to hide under sweatshirts

We're getting to t-shirt weather. Do we have a plan? The first nice day where it's 70 degrees and you hold onto the sweatshirt and you're like, 'this is uncomfortable.' And you realize I'm gonna have to start wearing a t-shirt. It's the worst feeling in the world. I forgot that I couldn't just wear a sweatshirt for the entire year.

Bill Chisholm is a smart business mind and will be a great owner for the Celtics

Clearly a very smart business mind. And I'm excited to, to see what he's got in store. Hopefully he likes the Celtics and isn't doing this as a business.

Most women believe that all men are naturally capable of dunking a basketball

My fiance just asked me with a straight face. When was the first time I dunked. She just assumed throughout our entire relationship I've been dunking... hubs is probably about my height. And he's bringing to light the, the fact that a lot of women just think that all men can dunk.

Binging a TV show is much better than watching it week-by-week

This is my big, i I like binging shows. I like just diving right into 'em. I don't know how people can watch a show like I gave up on House of Dragon. Yeah. Because I watched the first season and then it was four years and I was like, I don't remember fucking shit. I'm out.

Big Cat would have to lose a significant amount of weight to ever dunk

I hope you could too. You would have to lose a lot of weight. I know you're not going, you're don't. I would, don't put a time.

The Super Bowl marks the official end of winter

I'm keeping [the Christmas trees] up till after the Super Bowl. Super Bowl is the end of winter, as far as I'm concerned. That's the end of our season... that's the sign of spring to me.

Speakeasies should be illegal to be authentic

I don't think that there should be speakeasies unless they're actually like illegal places where you can like smoke inside and like, it's against the law. That's what a speakeasy should be... It's stolen valor. If I look at your wall and you have your health department grade on the wall, [it's not a speakeasy].

Pour-your-own-beer bars are a terrible trend

Another trend that I fucking hate bars I can't stand... the bars that have the like pour your own beers. I hate that shit... The whole point of going to a bar is have someone like, you get to sit down... you feel like you're playing laser tag or some shit. Sucks.

The Meta Quest 3 is significantly better than the Apple Vision Pro

I got the Apple Vision Pro like seven months ago. What a waste of fucking money that was. That was probably the the biggest waste of money I've ever had in my entire life... picked up the Meta Quest 3. That thing rocks... this kicks the shit out of the Apple Vision Pro.

Opting out of the lottery ball should be grounds for losing your job

If you Opt outta a lottery ball, you're opting outta the booth. Is that what you're doing? And then you might be opting outta your job. I don't understand this. Hank is the very definition of grace. You could complain, you could bitch... You can't Opt out.

I am having a midlife crisis at 31 years old

I feel like it's, I know the answer that it's a sign that I'm going through somewhat of a midlife crisis... I have been spending a lot of time thinking about selling it [my car] and then leasing a really nice car... Why not open a line of credit with good points, pay the lease off with that and have a nice car.

Early morning workout routines are never actually fun, no matter how much you do them

How do people do it? How do you get up... Everyone, everyone, everyone who talks about getting up early, they're like, you just gotta get through the first couple of days. No. And it becomes routine. No, there's no way that, that they're wrong... there's still no way that it's fun.

Men posing with their arms around each other is the weirdest thing

We as guys, we as guys gotta stop doing the arms around each other. This picture. It's the fucking weirdest thing we do... There's nothing worse than doing the awkward like post golf round. Yeah. 10 dudes just standing with their arms around each other.

The Eagles fleeced the Commanders in the Jahan Dotson trade

I like Jahan Dotson, a Penn State fan who's a beast at Penn State. Good wide receiver three. Give up a third, get back a fifth. Very happy. Fleeced. Fleeced.

I will start carrying a purse and painting my nails if the Bears start winning

I won't apologize for getting triggered by Caleb Williams. 'Cause then after the show on Wednesday, he went viral again. 'Cause he has a purse. I'm gonna get the same purse and I'm gonna start carrying it around. Listen, my guard is up... If we start winning football games, I'm paint my nails.

Taking a long time to poop is a masculine dad move

I actually kind of feel like this is like my first, like I'm feel like a masculine dad because I feel like that's a very big dad move for the all the kids in the house to be like, yeah. Dad goes and takes long shits. Being like, I'm going to the shit or I'll be back in three hours.

I'm officially 'washed' after struggling in the home run derby

Tuesday night we hit dingers... but I think I'm officially, officially washed because... I was halfway through the whole competition and I looked at the leaderboard and it was like me, Titus, Chief, Brandon... every guy who's 37 plus. I was maxing out everything I had and it wasn't that good.

Gregg Berhalter is a shitty coach

Our coach stinks. And having him get this tie against Brazil is gonna—because we are a loser country in soccer—[make people think] Greg's got the team on the right track and he's not gonna be fired... I do know that it's gonna be bad news if he's the coach of the World Cup team.

The El Camino is the 'mullet' of cars

One word to describe El Camino and it's bitching. This ride is fucking sweet. 1970 SS racing stripe cherry red. I'm actually thinking about getting a mullet as an accessory to my car. I like that because the, the El Camino is a mullet of cars. Yeah. It's business in the front party in the back.

Dots Pretzels are the most addictive snack in existence

I've never been addicted to a snack more than this. And it's dangerous. It is crazy.

I like getting a single bug bite

I like a good bug bite. Just a good, just a good old fashioned bug bite. Like maybe on the top of your shin. Nice little spot. You can scratch it a little... A single bug bite on the top of your shin. Just a little itch. Not so bad.

I am going to pimp out Vanny Woodhead and bring the van back to life in Chicago

We are going to get Vanny to Chicago. We have, we're in a different financial situation than we were six years ago. So I'm gonna probably put some money into this Vanny, pimp it out, figure out how to make it technically exist again. And now we'll have Vanny back in our lives. Like this trip to Indy would've been a perfect, let's just hop in Vanny. Yeah. So we're I Vanny is back.

I am returning to a private lifestyle because the internet ruined the Tiffany Gomas content

I will definitely be going back to, to zero dark private life mode... because it's fun. I enjoy it and, and you know, 99% of the people are fun. They play along... But then there's the 1% of people, people that will DMM and, and, and, and just go way over the top.

The Eminem song 'FACK' is the worst song of all time

I downloaded Eminem's song. Fac. FACK And it is maybe the worst song of all time, right? It's, it's so bad. I actually do think it's the worst song of all time.

Books are always better than the movies

Michael Lewis books—always better than the movie. Big Short? Ever heard of it? Moneyball? Ever heard of it? Blindside? Books are always better than the movie.

I only enjoy watching baseball when my team is on offense

What I said was... I like when my team is on offense, and I don't like when my team is on defense. [It's because] in the short series, every [pitch] is so important. You lose one and you're just back that much.

You would always rather give up a solo home run than a walk in the 9th

Top of the ninth, up 3-1. First batter. Would you rather give up a walk or a solo shot? I'd rather give up a solo shot. [Because with a walk] all of a sudden the tying run is on base and it's just all the nerves. Tension. I texted Dan Haren and he said 'no question you'd rather give up a solo shot.'

Everyone gaslights me into thinking I play golf all the time

You gaslight people into thinking I play all the time. [Big Cat asks: how many times this week?]. Two... I just picked up a little hobby, something to do on the side. Everyone in all these comments are like, oh someone that plays golf so much, you suck, you suck. You assholes have somehow got it in a world where I don't even want to play golf because I just know people are gonna be mean to me.

Staying in an ADA-compliant apartment as an able-bodied person is selfish

I'm just uncomfortable staying here [in an ADA-compliant apartment] where someone else who might need it more [could live]... I view it in the perspective like PFT said, I'm taking the space right now of someone who needs it more.

It takes bigger balls to bet minus signs than to bet plus signs

A lot of people think that it's actually more courageous. It takes bigger balls to go after a minus sign than it does plus sign. Cuz you gotta lay so much on it... you're putting more money on the line.

Having a soul patch makes zero difference to my appearance because my facial hair is already shitty

I have realized that me having a soul patch makes absolutely zero difference because people will just be like, PFT's got shitty facial hair. More news at 11. I've known that I've been face-bald for years.

Age and gender do not matter in pickleball

I'm telling you, if you play pickleball, you know that age, gender doesn't matter. Everyone plays together. Age is not a thing in pickleball. If you're good, you're good, you can hang.

No one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate is over 150 BPM

No one should be, no one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate's over 150 beats per minute. I agree with that. That that's what I believe.

I officially hate t-shirt weather because I am not physically ready for it

My fire fest is, it happens every year... it's t-shirt weather again. And I'm not ready. I'm wearing spanks again. I'm back on the spanks. So this is a temporary, like a bandaid over a gaping, gaping wound... I gotta figure out how to lose like 40 pounds.

I won't buy a golf bag until I break 130

I'm building myself up like a video game character in golf where I'm not allowing myself to get a golf bag until I break 130. That means that I'm carrying around a full set of clubs whenever I go to golf anywhere... I've literally taken a belt and I've wrapped it around my golf clubs and tightened it to keep them all together.