Takes

I am confident enough in the Cubs to book flights for the NLCS early

We are booking our flights to go to Chicago for NLCS game one and two. No chance this backfires on you at all. No chance.

Tim Tebow is a viral marketing stunt hired by Jimmy Kimmel

I think Tim Tebow is just a viral ad. I think he's just a viral person. He's a Kimmel stunt. Yes, Jimmy Kimmel has hired Tim Tebow from the time Tim Tebow was in ninth grade just to do pranks.

Whoever wins the NL Wild Card will beat the Cubs

No one wants to win this wild card spot which means whoever wins is going to beat the Cubs... God damn it. I actually can't have that thought right now.

Theo Epstein needs to chill out after admitting to following people home to watch them

Theo Epstein... said on a few nights when things felt bleak, Theo would wander the internet, linger on macabre things like air traffic controller recordings... I used to follow people home... I could put on a hat and follow them. Just chill out, man.

The Chicago Cubs will win the 2016 World Series

I'd like to say congratulations to the 2016, um, world series champion Chicago Cubs. All right, well, congrats to the future World Series champions.

The Chicago Cubs will win the 2016 World Series

I'm happy for you that in about a month from now, you're going to be celebrating a world's championship on the north side... It's impossible to fathom you guys not getting to the World Series. And then from there, momentum will carry you through.

Baseball was officially neutered when Rich Hill was pulled from a perfect game

September 10th, 2016, the day baseball was officially neutered. RIP... He was pulled during a perfect game because he had 'heat on his finger,' which is a sign of blisters... the point of baseball is to pitch perfect games, not to keep people healthy.

Marlins Man belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame

Do you think Marlins Man has a chance of making the Hall of Fame? I think that he's got to be in the conversation. Put him in the asterisk wing.

The Royals' praying mantis should be burned to kill their team's mojo

I'm just saying it'd be a real shame if someone snuck into their dugout and dropped a match in there and watched the, what's it, a terrarium? ... If you're trying to get rid of their mojo... That's a direct correlation.

The Cubs should sign Tim Tebow because he can 'defeat the sun' during day games

Tebow took flies in center looking into a hellacious sun. Did not bobble or miss one... Name me one baseball player that has defeated the sun. ... If Tebow's in the conversation, it makes our jobs a little bit easier. I wouldn't mind seeing him in a Cubs uniform. A lot of day games. ... We play a lot of day games, and we know that Tebow can beat the Sun.

The Little League World Series is better when kids are crying

I think the Little League World Series is losing who they are. I think the mic'd up coaches saying that they love all their kids too much... I'm here to watch kids screw up and cry. If you're going to make me feel bad about that, I hate you.

Tim Tebow will be signed to a baseball team by next Wednesday

Tim Tebow update next Tuesday... Tim Tebow will be signed on a baseball team as of next Wednesday.

Tim Tebow does not have a chance to make it in the Major Leagues

I i love to root for tebow i'd love to see love to see him get it done but i i don't know if that's possible

Giancarlo Stanton's season-ending injury is definitive proof of the Home Run Derby curse

He had the home run derby curse... so we actually predicted this. Not to brag, but we called it. Like a month ago, we said whoever's going to win is going to be out for the rest of the season. So sometimes it's tough to keep track of how right we are all the time.

Prince Fielder will finish his career with the exact same number of home runs as his father

If Prince Fielder never plays another Major League Baseball game, he will end his career with 319 home runs. Same amount of home runs as Cecil Fielder.

Mark Teixeira is one of the most forgettable great players of all time.

Mark Teixeira, I think, goes down as the most forgettable great player ever. Like one of the most forgettable great players of all time. He has over 400 home runs. He was great at first base. He won a title. And do you think there is a single Mark Teixeira fan out there?

Alex Rodriguez never truly earned his pinstripes.

Did A-Rod ever earn his pinstripes? I would say no.

A-Rod will enter the Hall of Fame as a Seattle Mariner.

I don't think he's a true Yankee. I think he goes in the Hall of Fame as a Mariner.

The Cleveland Indians won't win the World Series this year

The Indians, they're not going to win the World Series this year.

The Cleveland Indians and Washington Redskins names will soon face massive media backlash

I have a prediction, though, because the [Indians] are now officially going for it with the Andrew Miller trade. We're going to get a lot of think pieces about the Indians logo. It's going to happen. The Indians are about to get [Redskinned].

The White Sox are an embarrassing organization run like a mom-and-pop shop

I think White Sox fans have a level of embarrassment because I think if your organization is having uniform issues and your star pitcher is cutting up uniforms because he doesn't want to wear them, that's embarrassing. It's called Jerry Reinsdorf runs organizations like a mom-and-pop shop, and incompetent people get pay raises and promotions, and no one ever gets fired.

Chris Sale is a psycho

And also Chris Sale is kind of a psycho. Yeah. He's a little bit of a psycho. I think the biggest story out of all this is Chris Sale is kind of a psycho because it's not just the jerseys. It's that he also has a best friend that's 13.

The 'Mystery Team' in MLB trades is always just a fabrication by agents

The mystery team... could be anybody. It's a made-up team from the mouth of your agent just trying to work you up. The mystery team never gets their guy.

The 2016 Cubs have all the key ingredients to win the World Series

I think that everything is in place right now for them to do very well. Without a doubt, they're going to be the team to beat. I think they have the key ingredients is how well and how they can handle that stage... hopefully this is the time.

Ken Griffey Jr. likely used performance enhancers given his weight gain

1989 was his debut. He weighed 195 pounds. Late 90s, he was listed at 205. 2004, I dug it up. He was listed at 215. And then when he retired, he was listed at 230. So over the course of 20 years... he gained 35 pounds. Hmm. Just saying.

MLB teams should be limited to 30 fastballs per game

I think teams should only get 30 fastballs a game. ... The art of pitching, the finesse of pitching, Greg Maddox, come on. I mean, he wasn't throwing 105 miles an hour.

Every MLB rotation should be required to have a knuckleballer

I would go along those same lines and say that every team has to have a knuckleball pitcher in the starting lineup. ... In the rotation somewhere.

The MLB All-Star Game should decide World Series home field advantage, but the fan vote must be eliminated

I actually don't hate that the all-star game decides this. I hate that they're kind of stuck in the middle. So if you're going to have the All-Star game decide where the World Series starts every year, eliminate the fan vote, and treat it like a real game.

The MLB All-Star Game is the best All-Star game in sports

I do think the mlb all-star game is by far the best all-star game there is it's not really close.

The MLB All-Star Game should include an inning where position players pitch and pitchers play positions

The seventh inning is the position player pitching inning. Yes. And put your pitchers at position players. Mix it up a little.

The Cubs will win the National League and the Blue Jays will win the American League

I like the Cubs still. I do like the Cubs... AL, I like the Blue Jays. I do like the Blue Jays, yeah... they had a little experience. They got some guys in the bullpen, pretty good starting staff, and a lineup's a joke.

The Cubs will trade for a relief pitcher and it will cost them a significant asset

The Cubs probably need to get a reliever. Maybe the Schwarber for Andrew Miller thing happens... I'm pretty certain they're going to add an arm in the bullpen, and it's going to take a lot to get one of those guys.

Giancarlo Stanton will suffer a massive slump after winning the Home Run Derby

Thoughts and prayers for Giancarlo Stanton's swing. He won the home run derby. So everyone knows here comes the slump. You can't win the home run... sorry, man. You're going to have a really bad second half.

Home Run Derby participants always screw up their swings in the second half of the season

My other favorite part about the Home Run Derby is predicting which one of the participants the Home Run Derby is going to screw up their swing in the second half. Whoever wins.

Giancarlo Stanton will win the 2016 Home Run Derby

I have the artist formerly known as Mike Stanton... ooh, plus 365, the favorite.

The Chicago Cubs will win the 2016 World Series

If you were to pick the World Series right now, it sounds like the Cubs. Would you say the Cubs right now or somebody else? Yeah, I would say the Cubs.

I am the reason for the flat-brim hat trend in baseball

I live in Scottsdale, Arizona, and I see all these Little Leaguers wear 8-1-8 hats, so I feel like I'm the reason for that. So, you know, I'm definitely taking silent credit for changing the game, changing the hat-fitted game.

You can't catch home runs when you sit in the first row behind home plate like Marlins Man

If he wants to talk it out and have lunch... I would even go to a game with him. But I don't want to sit in the legend seats at Yankee Stadium because you can't catch a home run when you're sitting in the first row behind home plate. Of course not. I would gladly help Marlins man catch a baseball game.

Clayton Kershaw loses his man card for getting an epidural

I saw that Clayton Kershaw had an epidural. So I'm going to take his man card. Yeah, chicks get epidurals. Right. I don't even know what – I had to ask you before the show what exactly is an epidural because I thought it was something to do with childbirth, which it is. But I guess Clayton Kershaw – is Clayton Kershaw pregnant?

Madison Bumgarner is a manlier pitcher than Clayton Kershaw because he DHs for himself

His rival, Madison Bumgarner, is DHing for himself. That's actually one of the coolest things I've seen in a while... Madison Bumgarner now is not only a man, but he has Clayton Kershaw's manhood as well. I just transferred the man card.

Tommy Lasorda was about to die but his life has been saved through prayer

There's one more. That's about to go, actually... It's Tommy Lasorda. but we may have intercepted here okay we may have... I think that we've already done that [asked for forgiveness to save him].

Yankee fans are the most knowledgeable fans in baseball

I think number one in terms of knowledge would be Yankee fans.

George Steinbrenner was the greatest owner in sports history

Best owner ever. I had the utmost respect because I don't think I've ever seen an owner that wants to win as much as George Steinbrenner wanted to win. Like, literally, we played 162 games. I really think that he wanted us to win 162 games, like not one loss.

Ichiro's hits in Japan should not count toward his career total vs. Pete Rose

Sabermetrically speaking, do hits in Japan count the same as Major League Baseball hits? I would say no... Those hits don't count in the United States. Neither should Ichiro's.

If a team does a hidden ball trick in Little League, you should head hunt the next batter

Hidden ball tricks is fucking bullshit. Especially in Little League... I think you need to put the ball in an ear hole if the other team tries to do the hidden ball trick in a Little League game.

The St. Louis Cardinals 'statement loss' is a ridiculous spin by a losing team

My favorite team in Major League Baseball, St. Louis Cardinals, they had a statement loss against my actual favorite team, the Cubs, on Wednesday. They showed determination and grit, that's a quote, when they lost to the Cubs. Colton Wong said, 'I think we still made a statement in the loss.' In the loss? Don't let the Cardinals get too hot with all these statement losses they're throwing out there.

The Mets should ban the media from reporting Matt Harvey's ERA

The Mets need to send out a release to all the press people saying, you're not allowed to cover our games. You're not getting a credential if you talk about what Matt Harvey's ERA is. So just put a moratorium on bad Matt Harvey talk.

Matt Harvey needs to start partying and doing cocaine to find his form

I also think he needs to party again. He used to be a party boy... I would say either get the Mets to basically make it a rule that no one can say anything bad about you or start doing a bunch of cocaine.

Anyone who supports robot umpires in baseball can go fuck themselves

Anyone who is like pro robots can go fuck themselves... The minute you start letting robots do these kind of tasks is what they're going to take over our lives... I don't need fucking umps telling me balls and strikes. There's some things you need to leave to humans.

Baseball should crowdsource balls and strikes via Twitter polls during games

You could crowdsource it... A pitch happens and then everybody responds on Twitter. Twitter poll. Strike or no? And then 51% carries the day and you get a strike or ball based on that. And then fans can't get mad at it because they only have themselves to blame.