Takes

Tiger Woods is officially back because he is contending in majors again

The Tiger's back crew that I despised for many years, the 2014-15 Tiger's back because he, you know, finished top 10 in a stupid tournament in Bermuda. That sucked. Now he's back because he's actually finishing second. I think he shot like six under today. He had that tiger stalk. He's back.

Tiger Woods actually won the British Open and the PGA Championship on aggregate

He actually won the British Open and the PGA Championship on aggregate. His score from those two tournaments were the lowest of any professional golfer. So Tiger Woods, [is a] two-time back-to-back major title holder if you add it all up.

Brooks Koepka is better than Tiger Woods was at his peak

Koepka is better than Tiger Woods was at his peak, right? He's bombing his driver. Tiger at his peak... No, I just think he's underappreciated. All he does is win majors.

Brooks Koepka's lack of popularity is because his name is hard to pronounce

Because his name is hard to pronounce. People just don't say his name. That's what I'm saying. I always just avoid names I can't say. So I just don't ever say his name... It's like, bro, I don't know how to say his name. So I'm just not going to look dumb.

The Bellerive course was a sickening disgrace to the PGA Championship

Sickening showing by the course this weekend. Disgusting. Lowest, I think, score in a PGA Championship... I'm disappointed in you, St. Louis. Yet again. Lock up the course.

Grinding out a par in golf is more impressive than shooting a low score with no effort

See, Big Cat, here's where you and I kind of differ because you don't know as much about golf as I do. He [Tiger Woods] grinded this one out. ... if you grind out a bad score, it's actually better than shooting a good score with no effort. It shows more grit, more determination. It's like an ugly win. Better than a beautiful loss.

The fan Tiger Woods hit with a golf ball is responsible for Tiger losing The Open

Tiger was back for a minute, and then he hit a guy with a golf ball, and everything fell apart from that moment on. I hope that guy's a real asshole, the guy that got hit. And I hope it affects him down the line. I hope it becomes like a Steve Bartman situation because he took something very important away from us. He took Tiger being in contention on the 18th hole of a major championship in the year of our Lord 2018 away from the world.

Nothing in sports compares to Tiger Woods being in contention on a major Sunday

When Tiger is involved in a major on Sunday, there's nothing like it in sports. And just to have those few moments... everyone was like, this actually could happen. Like Tiger could actually do it. He's wearing his Sunday red. Everyone was excited.

Tiger Woods has won a major in every country that has a Perkins restaurant

Tiger Woods has won a major tournament in every single country that has a Perkins restaurant. That's a fact. Well, there haven't been any majors played in Canada. I'll give it to him.

Tiger Woods will have an incredible run at the British Open but lose to Lee Trevino

I predict that Tiger will have an incredible run, and ultimately, Lee Trevino will pip him.

I went from a 110-golfer to shooting an 80 in just four weeks to win a $550K bet

I had a year to shoot 80. Well, I got a month to go, and I still can't break 105... with a week to spare, yours truly shot the 80 and sent it to the ATM... In four weeks, I did that.

The PGA Tour is ridiculous for investigating Bryson DeChambeau for using a compass

[Speaker 1] (16:38-16:41) My hot seat is Bryson DeChambeau. [Speaker 1] (16:41-16:47) The PGA Tour is investigating him and trying to figure out whether it was legal of him to use a compass or not. [Speaker 1] (16:48-16:49) What century are we in? [Speaker 3] (17:16-17:21) I love this that it's a compass is now an illegal tool in golf.

Phil Mickelson disgraced the game of golf by hitting a moving ball at the U.S. Open

He basically disgraced the game of golf. I actually saw Golf Channel wrote an article saying not only did Phil Mickelson manipulate the rules of golf, he broke the spirit of the game. True. He broke it. There's no more spirit left.

I love the USGA for making courses so hard that millionaire athletes complain

I hope they [USGA] make every single course from now until the end of time the hardest course in the world, just so we can hear millionaire athletes say, this game has gotten too hard for us.

Tiger Woods basically finished second in the U.S. Open if you don't count the first and second holes

If you had taken out the first and second hole, Tiger [Woods] would have finished second in the U.S. Open. So he's kind of back.

The course at Shinnecock Hills is a 'wagon' because it's dominating every golfer in the field

I'm telling you what, this course is a wagon. Every single golfer got shit pumped today except for, what, Dustin Johnson? ... The course is awesome. The fescue is kicking people's ass.

I'm rooting for the course to beat the players at the U.S. Open

I actually love the course so much, I found myself chanting today in my head, go course, go. Go course, go. Because, like, the course – I mean, Bryson DeChambeau said it was clown golf. That's when you know a course has you, like, beat.

Shinnecock Hills is a very functional course, but it looks like shit

I love the course. Say what you want to say. Permission to speak freely. Yes. It looks like shit. It's not a good-looking course. But that's fine. It does its job. It's a very functional course.

Tony Romo is a fraud for talking about qualifying for the U.S. Open for five years and never doing it

I would like to see Tony Romo. Wasn't there talk of Tony Romo qualifying for a U.S. Open? ... So is he a fraud? I mean, he's been talking about it for the last five years. I don't know.

Jordan Spieth should take off his hat so people only focus on him being bald rather than his bad golf

Spin Zone or PR 101, [Spieth] can just take off his hat and people be like, oh shit, you're bald. That's the bald guy. So no one will remember that you did the snowman thing.

Patrick Reed hasn't taken off the Green Jacket since he won the Masters

He showed up in the green jacket at the Rockets game. He has not taken it off. Well, yes, you're right. He has not showered. He has not done laundry. That's pure Patrick Reed for you.

Golf needs an asshole like Patrick Reed

I love Patrick Reed. I do love this man. He is a basic bitch. He's a man baby. On the golf course. He's a man baby. He's amazing. Yes, he's an asshole, but golf needs an asshole.

The Masters course was 'on PEDs' because of painted roots and soft conditions

You could see the green spray paint on the bottom of the tree on the root system. So it looks like we were a little bit woke on that. The course is on PEDs. The course didn't show up this weekend... The course choked.

Ricky Fowler cannot win a major wearing a 'candy-ass' uniform on Sunday

I also feel bad for Sergio... I mean, we've long stood, you know, the Miami Dolphins, the Oregon Ducks. Teams that wear candy-ass uniforms in big-time moments, they just aren't as intimidating. And Ricky went with the creamsicle today, and I like Ricky. But I'm thinking maybe on Sundays in the majors, he needs to tone it down a little. You can wear the candy-ass uniforms after you bring home a title.

Tiger Woods played in an era with shitty golfers who didn't play defense

I think it's almost time to have the conversation of, like, did Tiger Woods just play in an era with shitty golfers? And now the new generation is way better than Tiger Woods ever was. Like you put Jordan Spieth back in the 2009 Masters... When the course didn't play defense at all. He played in the dead ball era.

Sergio Garcia has never won a major in his life and he never will.

Sergio and the fact that he's known for choking and that he'll never win a major. Ever... [Big Cat: He's going to put [the green jacket] on the winner, but he won't wear one himself... Because he's never won one.]

Gary Player suffered from diarrhea after eating the lobster paella at Sergio Garcia's Champions Dinner.

We stayed with our good friend Gary Player, who actually went to the Champions Dinner... he said that the lobster was hard to digest... So that's your headline. Gary Player got diarrhea from Sergio [Garcia]'s Champions Dinner.

Tiger Woods needs a 65 or 66 to win the Masters, which is unlikely

He's going to have to post like a 65, a 66 in there somewhere, which it seems from his game, it seems very unlikely that he can really go that low.

The Masters is the best golf tournament and fans should be allowed to enjoy it however they want

The Masters are the best, and you just lay off. I don't care if you're a casual golf fan. All you hard-o golf fans out there, shut the fuck up. I'm going to enjoy the Masters any way I want. I'll say something wrong. I'll tweet something about a slice when it was a fade. I don't care.

Sergio Garcia will choke in the big moments of The Masters

Sergio, I think this ship has sailed for him. He chokes every time he's in a big moment. It's Tiger. You know, it's a mental thing at this point. The second he hears Tiger sneaking up on him... he's going to melt down.

New Rule: Ban beer for golf fans, but require PGA golfers to drink one beer every three holes

Yes Rory, we can ban beer from PGA events, but the golfers then have to drink... they have to drink one beer per three holes. I think that's fair.

Tiger Woods return has a trickle-down effect on the US economy

My cool throne is the United States economy because Tiger Woods is back... Tiger Woods actually does have a trickle-down effect on the United States economy.

Tiger Woods is not 'back' yet

[Do you think Tiger Woods is back?] No. ... If he's in it, I'm watching. ... And yes, my God, please come back and be great. That would be awesome.

Justin Thomas is a 'pussy' for having a heckler kicked out

Your day's done. Had him kicked out. Had him kicked out. What a fucking dick. Which just means that hecklers are inside Justin Thomas' head, even though he won... What a little pussy that guy is.

Tiger Woods getting a 'bad boy' warning from Trump is good for his street cred

Tiger Woods' bad boy status, when other men are saying, watch out for him, it's like Costanza putting on the Yankees jacket. It's like, you got to watch out... getting this back into circulation is good for his street cred. It's great.

Tiger Woods will win at least one more Masters

We're now getting the Tiger Woods is going to win at least one more Masters takes. So I think that that means Tiger is like all the way back. When people are actually debating how many more Masters or, you know, championships you're going to win, I think that's exactly where Tiger is back.

Tiger Woods is officially back, but he will never win another Major

Once [Tiger] is on the course and playing well, I can say, yeah, look, he looked good. He's back. I don't think he's ever going to win anything big again. But for right now, he's back.

Tiger Woods is officially back and ready to dominate again

I know it's not who's back because it's not Monday, but Tiger's back. Tiger's back. And that means Tiger fanboys are back. Because that's really what we care about. It's not really Tiger. It's that everyone else is getting their hopes up for Tiger.

Tiger Woods should start juicing heavily and transition to long drive competitions

Here's what Tiger [Woods] should do. He should just get into long drive competitions. Just start juicing heavy. Get back to your old self. Don't worry about your short game, any of the stuff that requires attention to detail. Just get out there and fucking rip it.

I want to win championships on the blind PGA Tour

I want to see how far I can go with playing golf, and I definitely want to try to continue to pursue that goal. And I want to—there's a blind, actually, like sort of a blind PGA, so I want to go win some championships on that.

Tiger Woods should only play par-3 courses to save his back

He needs to revamp his whole game a little bit because once he starts getting above a five iron is when his spinal column collapses like a termite mound. So he needs to just go to par three courses.

Tiger Woods' low bar to be 'back' only requires him to swing a club once without pain

Tiger has the lowest bar to be quote-unquote back. All he has to do is swing one golf club once without keeling over in pain, and all the Tiger fanboys will come running and be like, Tiger at the Masters... red shirt.

Golf is only interesting when Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson are competing on Sunday

golf is a better sport when tiger's competing on sunday... the ratings were all down... we need Phil or Tiger. Basically, we're going to be saying that forever... I guess just like Spieth and Rory and those, they don't do it for me.

Ricky Fowler is on the hot seat because he hasn't won a major

Hot seat Ricky Fowler. Because he is now in the crew of guys who win majors, and he hasn't won a major.

Phil Mickelson is on the Cool Throne because of his jacked legs

My cool throne is Phil Mickelson's legs. He decided to wear shorts at the PGA Championship practice round, and his legs were looking jacked.

Golf is in good hands with Jordan Spieth as the new face of the sport

Golf is officially on the cool throne because Jordan Spieth, he is now the new face of golf. I don't know if you guys have seen, but golf is in good hands now. We're out of the woods with the post-Tiger Woods era. Jordan Spieth's the guy.

Serena Williams could beat Tiger Woods in golf right now

The real question is it sounds like Serena Williams could beat Tiger Woods now.

Golf celebrations are best when they are simple hat tips rather than failed physical coordination

I think golf celebrations are best executed when it's just the two guys taking their hats off and tipping them at each other. Just like a real, let's keep it, let's crawl before we learn how to walk, let alone run. The golf celebration is just you take your visor off before you shake the guy's hand.

Jim 'Bones' Mackay was Phil Mickelson's personal bookie

Phil Mickelson and his caddy, Bones... they are splitting up. I mean, we all know why, right? Two reasons. One, Phil didn't go to the U.S. Open... and two, Bones was probably Phil's bookie, and Phil probably can't gamble anymore.

Brooks Koepka is too attractive to win a major tournament

[Brooks Koepka] is way too attractive to win any kind of major tournament. Usually you need a receding hairline, some Phil Mickelson man boobs, some Tiger Woods inner demons. Give me one flaw that I can make fun of you for on Twitter and make me feel better as a person.