Takes

I need to film myself now to memorialize being relatively thin before I gain 40 pounds by October

Can we make a documentary of me in a t-shirt right now so I can memorialize this period in my life before I put on 40 more pounds in October?

The world will end on February 10, 2045

The world's going to end—January? No, it's going to be after the Super Bowl, February 10th. When? 2045. Okay, that's my prediction... on my 80th birthday. 2045, I'm gonna go out with a prostitute and a bad batch of heroin. Boom.

I can swim 100 yards underwater and hold my breath for 5 minutes

[Billy Football's question] was how far can you swim underwater... 100 yards. You can? Yeah. [And] how long can you stay underwater if you're not moving? I don't know. Maybe around five minutes.

I will likely outlive Big Cat and PFT Commenter

Wouldn't it be something if I outlive the both of you? That would be something... I promise I'll be there [at the funerals].

I'm a better swimmer than Jay Cutler and would out-swim him in any stroke

I'm a better swimmer than you. ... You're not going to out-swim me. Yes, I will. I will out-swim you. No. Easily. And if I have to, I'll die in the pool. ... We'll do every stroke. ... I got this. I'm not worried about that.

Global warming might make Super Bowl LIV the last one ever in Miami

Do you think anyone will write the enjoy this Miami Super Bowl because with global warming there may not be another one? ... What has changed since the last time Miami had the Super Bowl? Well, the water has risen. And now, you know, all these houses are going to be submerged next time we have it.

Gender reveals will backfire in 15 years when children see their parents' disappointed reactions to their sex.

I have a theory that we're going to reach a point in society and probably 15 years where this whole wave of gender reveals going to come back to bite everyone in the ass... they grow up and they have the ability to go online and they see their video and they're like, 'oh so you didn't want me? You wanted me something else.'

Bo Nix is a future Governor of Alabama

That's actually a great governor's name for Alabama. Bo Nix. Governor Bo Nix. B-E-A-U, though. Just keep it simple. Two letters. Very easy to sign.

Climate change will cause the earth to fry in the next 100 years

Climate change is real and the earth is basically going to fry in the next hundred years... Or less. For sure going to happen.

Human civilization is highly likely to end by the year 2050

So good old science came out with a report today, and it said that it's highly likely that human civilization will end in 2050.

Humanity is fundamentally 'fucked' and there is no saving us

We are a staunchly we are fucked podcast because we are fucked. We want to fuck humanity. Recycle all of humanity.

All porn history will be public knowledge within 10 years

I'm very long woke on the fact that eventually all of our porn history is going to come out. Within 10 years, you're going to know what kind of porn your president watches.

The world will be completely over in 150 years

I am 100% one of those people now that thinks the world's going to be done in 150 years. ... People who are saying we'll figure it out, it's too late. We have not figured it out.

The world will be over in 15 years

I think take away the zero [from 150 years]. Oh, 15. ... [The world's] done.

I will read exactly one book and visit one museum in 2019

I have literally read one book [as a resolution]. That's a lot. I know that's a lot. I can do that. I also read, go to one museum. I have to pay for a ticket and try to learn a couple things in one museum.

If Titanic 2 sinks, it would be the greatest moment ever

If the Titanic 2 could somehow sink, it would be the greatest moment ever... because you're an asshole for riding on the Titanic 2.

We should nuke aliens immediately if we find them

If we find a planet with aliens on them, we just nuke the planet immediately. Can't take that chance. They definitely have better weapons than us. We should become the aliens that we're afraid of coming to us.

Curling, lacrosse, and rugby will be the only sports left by 2050

In the year 2050, those [curling, lacrosse, and rugby] are going to be the only three options of sports that you have.

I am going to win the 50-50 raffle eventually

One dream I'm going to hold on to, winning the 50-50. I'm going to win that. Never let go.

Pigeons will eventually be the only birds left on Earth

The world is going to end up in a place where the pigeons are the king birds and they're the only birds left. It's going to be in like 100 years, it will just be birds are just pigeons.

I could beat a grizzly bear in a hot dog eating competition

Michael Phelps is racing against a great white shark. Can Joey Chestnut beat a grizzly bear in a hot dog eating competition? [Joey Chestnut]: Yeah, I could do it... I think I have the capacity to do it. I think the bear would start to wonder what's going on.

Wi-Fi and data signals will give us all weird diseases and cancer in 30 years

One thing I do know about Wi-Fi is that all of us are going to get really weird forms of diseases and cancer in about 30 years from just hanging out next to all this data just passing through our systems.

Lacrosse will sell out a 50,000-seat stadium within the next 30 years

By what year is lacrosse going to sell out a 50,000-seat stadium, Hank? 30 years. Within the next 30 years, so he's calling his shot... I'm pretty positive I'm right.

I will either get hair plugs or grow a beard to deal with my balding

I think, I mean, it's just one or the other. You got to go either that route [hair plugs] or you go the, I'm just going to own it and grow out a beard and just try and look like a badass.

I can chug a gallon of milk and run a mile in 10 minutes

[PFT asks if he could do the milk mile] Yeah, I could do that. I wouldn't run that quickly, but I'd probably finish right about 10 minutes.

Dave Portnoy will live to be 120 years old out of pure spite

Dave, everything will say Dave should die, and then he'll probably live to be like 120 because he's a motherfucker. ... He'll complain every single day for the rest of his life to 120, but he'll live to 120.