Takes

The world will end on February 10, 2045

The world's going to end—January? No, it's going to be after the Super Bowl, February 10th. When? 2045. Okay, that's my prediction... on my 80th birthday. 2045, I'm gonna go out with a prostitute and a bad batch of heroin. Boom.

I can swim 100 yards underwater and hold my breath for 5 minutes

[Billy Football's question] was how far can you swim underwater... 100 yards. You can? Yeah. [And] how long can you stay underwater if you're not moving? I don't know. Maybe around five minutes.

I'm wearing shorts exclusively until Labor Day and will not wear pants again this summer

I packed up all my shit this weekend. I put all my sweatpants on the highest shelf where I can't reach them... I'm done with pants for the summertime. I think from this point on, from now until Labor Day, I'm going shorts only.

The United States would win Olympic Gold in handball if they fielded a team of pro athletes

I do want to get a team together for the Olympics. I think it's handball... I guarantee we can put a team together that can win gold. Guaranteed. Just from pure, arm speed. I don't think guys in other countries [could compete].

I am going to bench press 215 pounds in 2020

My New Year's resolution is to... be able to bench press 215 pounds. So what would be—which will be really helpful for you... 215 once. Yeah.

Climate change will cause the earth to fry in the next 100 years

Climate change is real and the earth is basically going to fry in the next hundred years... Or less. For sure going to happen.

Human civilization is highly likely to end by the year 2050

So good old science came out with a report today, and it said that it's highly likely that human civilization will end in 2050.

All porn history will be public knowledge within 10 years

I'm very long woke on the fact that eventually all of our porn history is going to come out. Within 10 years, you're going to know what kind of porn your president watches.

The world will be completely over in 150 years

I am 100% one of those people now that thinks the world's going to be done in 150 years. ... People who are saying we'll figure it out, it's too late. We have not figured it out.

The world will be over in 15 years

I think take away the zero [from 150 years]. Oh, 15. ... [The world's] done.

I want to reach 200 pounds for the first time in my life

I'm going to gain eight pounds in January. Because I'm eight pounds away from 200. I've never been 200 in my life.

If Titanic 2 sinks, it would be the greatest moment ever

If the Titanic 2 could somehow sink, it would be the greatest moment ever... because you're an asshole for riding on the Titanic 2.

I am going to die during the summer because I can no longer handle the heat

I realized something today. I'm going to be one of those people that dies in the summer because I just can't take the heat anymore. I fucking hate the summer. I'm done with the summer. I've just realized that I'm going to be probably in my 50s or 60s and it will be one of those situations where I'm mowing the lawn... and then I'm just going to die.

We should nuke aliens immediately if we find them

If we find a planet with aliens on them, we just nuke the planet immediately. Can't take that chance. They definitely have better weapons than us. We should become the aliens that we're afraid of coming to us.

Curling, lacrosse, and rugby will be the only sports left by 2050

In the year 2050, those [curling, lacrosse, and rugby] are going to be the only three options of sports that you have.

I will win the World Series of Poker Main Event again

I still think I'm going to win [the World Series of Poker Main Event] sometime, and I'll tell you why. It has the best structure of any poker tournament we have... you have a lot of time to work your chips up.

I could beat a grizzly bear in a hot dog eating competition

Michael Phelps is racing against a great white shark. Can Joey Chestnut beat a grizzly bear in a hot dog eating competition? [Joey Chestnut]: Yeah, I could do it... I think I have the capacity to do it. I think the bear would start to wonder what's going on.

Lacrosse will sell out a 50,000-seat stadium within the next 30 years

By what year is lacrosse going to sell out a 50,000-seat stadium, Hank? 30 years. Within the next 30 years, so he's calling his shot... I'm pretty positive I'm right.

I will either get hair plugs or grow a beard to deal with my balding

I think, I mean, it's just one or the other. You got to go either that route [hair plugs] or you go the, I'm just going to own it and grow out a beard and just try and look like a badass.

I can chug a gallon of milk and run a mile in 10 minutes

[PFT asks if he could do the milk mile] Yeah, I could do that. I wouldn't run that quickly, but I'd probably finish right about 10 minutes.

Dave Portnoy will live to be 120 years old out of pure spite

Dave, everything will say Dave should die, and then he'll probably live to be like 120 because he's a motherfucker. ... He'll complain every single day for the rest of his life to 120, but he'll live to 120.