Takes

I will not mindlessly scroll on my phone unless I am walking on a treadmill pad

The rule I came up for myself with is: if I'm scrolling, I'm strolling. So I'm not gonna let myself just mindlessly scroll through my phone unless I'm on the walking pad. I feel like that's gonna make my steps... easy 12,000 a day.

Being the designated TV remote guy at a bar is a 10 out of 10 job

Had dinner at a local establishment last night and was informed that someone on staff was the designated TV remote guy to switch between games. No bartending, no waiting tables, just ball. 10 out of 10 job. You don't do this job without immense pride. It's the best job ever.

America needs a 'Husbands for Guys' service to handle car mechanics and home repairs

Why there should be a service just guy for hire that he's not a mechanic, but he knows everything about cars. He takes your car into the mechanic shop and just makes sure you don't get banged. We could call it husbands for guys. You keep your pride as a human being and as a man intact.

If your relationship is built on the Chili's Triple Dipper, you will make it

If the foundation of your relationship is the Chili's Triple Dipper or bottomless chips and salsa, you're gonna make it. They're not thinking prenups or joint bachelorette parties.

Winter is officially over and next week will be golf weather

I think it's the official end of winter. Winter's done. Next week it's gonna be 60. Get the golf shoes out, get the shorts out. We made it another year of winter in Chicago.

Doing 30 minutes of cardio drastically improves your video game performance

If you do 30 minutes of cardio, it could drastically change performance in virtual worlds such as video games. I hit the treadmill last night... I was two and three, but that's drastically better because the previous evenings I was like oh and six, oh and seven.

I am quitting nicotine pouches cold turkey

I just quit pouches. Quit decided fuck nicotine pouches. I'm out on nicotine pouches. I'm out on all nicotine... about two full days, two and a half days off. It's not easy... My resolution is that I'm just gonna smoke cigarettes... The only time I'm allowed to have nicotine is if I'm smoking an actual cigarette... I'm out, I'm just gonna go cold turkey.

I will be running a Dungeons and Dragons cruise to Alaska in October 2026

I am gonna be doing a D&D cruise this year... called D3 at Sea... in October, we're gonna be going to Alaska and it's a week. So if you were already going to Alaska and wanted to do the trip, I know I have family members who have gotten really stoked to do that stuff.

Dungeons and Dragons is the universal game of imagination that everyone has already played

I like to say D&D is the game that everyone has played. Even if you only did it when you were a kid and didn't know it was D&D, it is just the game of imagination that we all play. And it's the, it is the universal game in many ways.

Clerics are actually very powerful in this edition of Dungeons and Dragons

Clerics are actually really powerful in this edition, so I don't mind playing them. It's pretty good. Also, when you're the healer kind of means everyone has to be nice to you.

Stop comparing your boat to others and just appreciate your own boat

There's a lot of guys looking at your boat... that'd be enough boat for me. I think not to make this about life, but it's, it's just something to remember. There's probably somebody looking at your boat going that's that's good enough for me. I should stop looking at the other boats.

PFT Commenter is done dunking forever - retiring from attempting to dunk

My fire fest. I don't think I'm gonna dunk again. I think I'm gonna have to learn how to play below the rim. So I'm calling it quits on attempting to dunk anymore in my future.

I don't want to get the lottery ball today and I don't want a new machine

We're down, I think we have four more lottery ball guesses on this machine. And then we're getting the new machine. I personally do not want to get it. I don't wanna get it.

The average global height for men is only 5'9"

I'm also five nine like Diego Pavia... That is average globally. I have, you never take what you take out that NFC West... When we say globally, we mean globally. Right. So five nine.

I am officially committed to 'No Naps' for the entirety of Super Bowl week

I will [raw dog it]... a hundred percent stay awake. No naps. No fucking naps. Usually they, it, it's been a while since we've been in like a Patriot Super Bowl week. So it's like, it is a different mindset.

Artificial light before sunrise and after sunset is the primary signal that disrupts your biological clock.

You wanna do your best to protect yourself from artificial light before the sun rises and after the sun goes down. But especially before it rises because that's the signal that sets your clock for the day.

Fasting is the worst thing ever

I realized I was such a bitch. ... Anyone who tries to tell you the fasting is the way to go. It ain't, it ain't the way to go.

The Chicago area will get three inches of snow that will be gone by Wednesday morning

I'll predict right now... I think we're gonna get three inches and it's gonna be gone by Wednesday morning.

Feral cats are a significantly larger threat to bird populations than wind turbines

Cats are responsible for an estimated 365 million to 2.4 billion bird deaths per year in the US alone. And then wind turbines are responsible for an estimated 140,000 to 680,000 bird deaths annually... Feral cats are a problem. That's my, that's, that's the conclusion I came up with.

Solo dates are the superior way to experience the movies

I went on, I guess what someone called solo date the other day. I thought it was okay. I thought it was like a rec, a super normal thing to do... You ever, you ever go to the movies solo? Yes sir. All the time. That's great. I think that's the best way to go to the movies.

I can still dunk a basketball

Can I still dunk? Yeah, I could still dunk. I could still dunk.

A Bengal tiger would kill a Jaguar in a fight every single time

I just looked at AI and a Bengal would kill a Jaguar like a hundred out of a hundred times. A Jaguar does have one of like the the fiercest bites in the animal kingdom. The problem is the Bengal outweighs the Jaguar by like 200 pounds.

The 'Mega Bed' changed my life

I initially scoffed it because it was a long day of travel. I was tired. It was late. But then the next day I was like, you know what Zac, we got a mega bed. You were right. We mega Beded... mega bed changed my life.

The dream life is having your biggest problem be a spilled Dr. Pepper while gaming

I'm jealous of this. Like you were, you were describing like, obviously I love my kids. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but like for a minute I would love to just be like, oh man, my biggest issue tonight is I spill my Dr. Pepper while gaming in my pajamas. That's a good night, dude.

Quitting a job you hate is the best feeling in the world

Our last pick, we're gonna take quitting. No better feeling. Quitting is so satisfying. It's the best feeling. If you ever quit a job you don't like, best fucking feeling in the world.

Complaining while doing a difficult job is a form of grit

The more grit you have, sometimes you just have to complain your way through it. But you still do it, right? ... I think it'd be gritty going on vacation and just complaining and hating vacation. That is actually a very gritty thing to do.

Grit is the ability to not care what happens to you and just keep going.

Grit is, I would say, you know it when you see it. It's the ability basically to not care what happens to you and just keep going... What doesn't kill me doesn't bother me. Like think about it—I'm not dead. You can't bother me. You can't get to me. I think that's the definition of grit.

I am officially retiring from participating in physical sports challenges

My fire fest is pretty simple. My body is broken. I'm, I'm too old for some of this shit. I did tweet that I was thinking about retirement, like not retirement from like this show, but retirement from our physical challenges. We played, we did six hour stream on Tuesday night... softball on Wednesday... oh my god, I can't walk right now. I think I need to retire from sports. I need to be a walking guy.

Opening Counter-Strike skin cases is officially back

My who's back of the week is going to be Counterstrike cases specifically opening them... They went CS:GO case unboxings, $590,000 in cases they unboxed. Unprecedented territory is what we're approaching there.

First dates should always start with drinks as a 'solos match' before committing to more

I was thinking we, we could run, we could run drinks if she's open to that. I like that Max, easy. Just happy hour. A few drinks. Nothing crazy. Maybe just one drink. We'll start with one drink. And then if it's good, then you go two.

Construction workers are the groundwork of civilization and deserve more credit

So much infrastructure to the entire, everything that we do. This building, all of our homes, all, all of the establishments we go to. I mean, it's everywhere. The groundwork of civilization, all the construction workers is deserve so much credit.

Sports fandom is forged in tragedy, not triumph

it's about fandom... and really what it's about is about community and a community forged in tragedy because there can be only one at the end of each year in any, in every and any sport. And so there's something really beautifully human about that, that, that we are not forged in triumph. We're forged in tragedy.

Modern alarm clocks have become too chill; we need irritating sounds like fire alarms to actually wake up

We gotta get back to making alarm clocks great again. Yeah. Because though, I, I need to have like the fire alarm sound. I need Max's hiccup. Hiccup. Yeah. To wake me up. I'm sorry about that. Yeah, that's okay. But like, I need, I need a grading irritating sound to wake me up. Alarm clocks have gotten way too chill with a nice, like gradual. The light ones. Yeah. That kinda like light up your room a little bit with sunlight. The ambient noise. Fuck that. Don't, that's, that's too new agey shit for me.

Watching sports on the couch is better than being at the games

Honestly, getting to watch games on your couch is way better than being at the games usually anyways. sitting on your couch at home with your own snacks and your own food, it's awesome.

Getting hit in the head with a ball is always embarrassing regardless of the situation

Getting hit in the head with a ball, no matter how it happens, is always embarrassing. Like I'm saying, you could be playing catch it hits you in the head. That's very embarrassing. But even when we're playing hoops out here and like everyone's shooting around and you're not even looking and the ball hits you in the back of the head, you're embarrassed.

Over 270 Awls have played the 'Dragon of Mount Spear Top' Dungeons and Dragons adventure

I have run this adventure in particular for 45 different groups of awls over the course of the last year. And that is a total of 274 Awls. That's awesome. We're out there. They're listening right now and they are judging your every move.

There is nothing hotter than asking for consent twice

As long as there's consent, right? ... After I have consent I definitely ask for consent. 'cause there's nothing hotter.

At the core of every joke, there is a serious truth

I choose to [believe he was joking], but at the core of every joke, therein lies a serious truth. Alex Caruso is now an NBA champion.

Offices are significantly happier workplaces when they have a soft-serve ice cream machine

Everyone's happier at work. Nobody wants a fruit bar around. They want the ice cream machine. I think they put the ice cream machine back in. Just good vibes having an ice cream machine around. Everyone's happier at work.

The era of the 'Featured Barber' and high-priced haircuts is officially here

The barbers are up... you pull up, they only do the app appointments... they're like 60 to 80 dollars... then there's guys down a little bit further down the street doing featured spots... book your appointment now.

Winning is a band-aid that cures everything in sports, regardless of the problem

Winning cures everything. You know, winning is, it's a band-aid that, you know, it doesn't matter if it's a bullet hole, whatever, you know, it cures everything and you just kind of go play baseball.

The best bachelor parties are 'cabin in the woods' trips rather than going to bars in a city

Best bachelor party. So when you, when you're with your boys and there's not like a oh, like let's go out to this bar and then everyone gets, you know, separated. It's like just the boys hanging.

Installing a soft serve ice cream machine in the office is a life-changing move

I reassessed my life and I realized that a life without constant access to soft serve ice cream is not a life I want to live anymore... I trade [shooting a diamond out of my dick] in a heartbeat. I mean a soft serve machine. It's like a, it's a gold mine. It's a dream of mine. It's the best. I love soft serve ice cream. It's so good. And it's good for you.

I am going to hire a dietician to help prevent future kidney stones

I think this one, I'll say this, I think I'm gonna start making some lifestyle changes. I'm thinking... I think I'm gonna to get a dietician. I understand. But I need someone to tell me what to do. I am not going to do that on my own volition. I need someone to basically be like, here's what you can and cannot eat.

I am committing to eating one salad every single day to improve my health

I've committed to eating salad every day. Having one salad a day is a pretty good compromise that you can make with yourself.

The first SB2K spring break trip was better than the second one

The first one was better. It was 2016 because it was our first time and it was, I felt like the, the next year we went like we wanted to do it, but it was, it felt like we like had to... It took away the, the fun of the, you know, the debauchery of a, of a boys trip of just playing golf and just, you know, drinking beers the whole time.

Mouth tape leads to more restful sleep

I'm a mouth tape guy now. I do feel more rested with mouth tape. It just forces you to breathe out your nose.

Big men everywhere start dreading April because they lose the ability to hide under sweatshirts

We're getting to t-shirt weather. Do we have a plan? The first nice day where it's 70 degrees and you hold onto the sweatshirt and you're like, 'this is uncomfortable.' And you realize I'm gonna have to start wearing a t-shirt. It's the worst feeling in the world. I forgot that I couldn't just wear a sweatshirt for the entire year.

The Real ID requirement is a load of bullshit and unnecessarily complicated

Real ID... that's a load of bullshit. It's impossible to get an appointment... Why can't there just be one line? You go to one person, you get everything done and you leave, you go to eight different lines and you get an appointment. And an appointment means nothing.

A blue jay would easily beat a cardinal in a fight

A blue jay would kick a cardinal's ass in a fight. Even though the Louisville cardinal has teeth, blue jays are, are much bigger. They're super, super aggressive.