Takes

White is the combination of every single color

white is a combination of every single color out there so they [the Packers] actually had the most colorful uniforms people didn't realize that

Cleveland and Milwaukee are equal as cities

I mean, they're pretty similar, like smaller cities, easy to get around, no traffic, which I like. Power rank them? They're like equal. Equal right now. 1A, 1B.

Squirrel tail circumference predicts the length of winter

You look at the squirrel's tail, the circumference of a squirrel's tail will tell you how long the winter's going to be... That's a little farmer's almanac trick for you.

Stephen Hawking is a government propaganda myth who was replaced years ago

Stephen Hawking, I think, is similar to PFT's JJ theory. Stephen Hawking died many years ago, but the government needed to keep up his... His propaganda so they just put a replacement Stephen Hawking in that chair. Whatever it's like yeah He just like invented space and shit.

I will get a Wikipedia Club tattoo if we all get one

If we all get one, I'm 100% in. [Maybe this weekend in Chicago] I agree. Oh, let's do it. All right. We talked ourselves. God damn it.

'Big Fawcett' started the myth about washing apples to sell more water

I think this is where the whole myth of why you need to wash your apples got started... [poisoned candy myths]. I think this is where Big Fawcett really sunk their teeth into the situation, tried to convince people to wash them.

Wi-Fi signals should be stronger on planes because you're closer to space

Wi-Fi come from signals in space, right? Yes. So how come if you're in the plane, shouldn't the signal be stronger in the air? I agree. Yeah, no, that's a good point.

Work parties suck and nothing good can come from them

Work parties fucking suck. Can I just say that? Work parties suck. There's nothing good that can come from a work party. Everyone's like, oh, yeah, holiday party. Someone's going to get drunk. Someone's going to puke. Someone's going to be embarrassed. Someone might lose their job.

Tim Tebow is causing seizures in order to 'save' people

Maybe Tim's got some metal in him... He's either causing the seizure... He's basically a human Pokemon. He is a Pokemon, and he's giving people seizures. He's causing the seizures and he's treating them, which is... a good position for business.

Every new iteration of Jesus is better than the last

Every time that Jesus shows up, he's better than his old Jesus. He makes his old Jesus look like a chump. Jesus 2 never hit a dinger. That's a facts only right in everyone's face.

True locker room talk is just men wondering why the old guy won't put on a towel

The real, if people want to know what real locker room talk is around America, locker room talk is basically just an inner monologue saying, why is that old guy not put a towel around his body? Like, why do I got to look at that old guy's dick?

Sports teams should stop using bird-related nicknames

Can we just call it a day with all the fucking bird team nicknames? I think we've hit our limit. They're not intimidating. It's like somebody asked them for a name and they look up and see the Blue Jays, the Orioles. Just knock it off with the bird team names.

October is the best month of the sports year.

It's October. Best month of the year. Sports year by far. It's the only month where all four major sports will be in action. You got the MLB playoffs. You have all of rivalry weekends coming up for NCAA football. And NFL is starting to really cook.

I can bench my own body weight

What do you bench? I can bench about 170 maybe. Oh, what do you weigh? About 170. Oh, man. Okay. I can bench me.

If you never get a medical test, you don't officially have the condition

I support Dez Bryant. I think if you don't get the STD test, you don't have an STD. ... It's like saying if you don't go to the doctor for over a decade, you're not obese and you're not in danger of health or heart disease.

A sprain is worse than a break

Sprains worse than a break. People forget that.

IPAs create man boobs

Fun fact, IPAs create man boobs, and that's why I'm going to get breast cancer someday.

Flossing is a myth and doesn't actually help your teeth

I don't floss. You guys heard flossing is not – yeah it doesn't do shit... It's a myth... It was on the internet. Dude, there was an article about it. Four to five dentists recommend you not floss.

Jim Abbott didn't hide his nub, so you should use yours as a flip cup backboard

Jim Abbott wasn't out there hiding his nub behind his back. He was out there, he was loud, he was proud. So I think the girl just needs to embrace it a little bit. Use the nub as a backboard in flip cup.

Apple purposefully sabotages old iPhones to force consumers to upgrade

Once Apple starts coming out with the new phones, they make the old phones break by playing Beach Boys, doing all these kinds of things. It's brilliant, but it's total disregard for the consumers.

It should be an unwritten rule that you cannot use a charge card in the 12-items-or-less supermarket line

If it says 12 items or less, what is the point of even putting that if somebody's going to go in and fumble around for the damn card... Don't you think it's implied that if you're going to get in the quick checkout line that you're not going to use a charge card?

SoulCycle is a lame cult that forces people to say prayers

SoulCycle is a cult... They actually made me say a prayer at the end. It was like a peace, love, like be the best of you and see your life through love. It was so fucking lame, man.

A meteor will wipe out humanity next week, so you shouldn't pay your bookie

Expert says Meteor could wipe out Earth next week, marking the end of humanity. You want to know where the spin zone comes in? Hank, you're in my boat. We've had a tough, tough run of it with the old bookie. End of humanity in a week. Just dodge that call... Do not pay your bookie. You just got to run out the clock here.

Jeff Fisher's blueprint for job security is to ingrain yourself in every small facet of the company

Jeff Fisher gives everybody in corporate America a great blueprint for how to keep your job. You just – you ingrain yourself into every small facet of your company. It doesn't matter if you're doing your job well... If you just spread yourself out far enough into an organization, you're never going to get fired.

I am a stand-up wiper

I'm gonna say I'm a big stander and I was kind of like scarred because when I was like 10 or 11... I went to wipe and just dunked my hand like right in the bowl with like the shit and water in there so from then on out I just I'm standing.

People who stand and wipe have 'poop in their butt' for life

People who stand and wipe, they do not get a clean wipe, and they end up walking around their entire life with poop in their butt.

The next Larry the Goldfish will survive for at least two or three days

I think this next Larry is going to survive for a while... I think there's a lot of things we can do differently with this Larry that will make him live for at least two or three days.

The selfie is the new autograph

I don't really do a lot of autographs. I do a lot more pictures. I think I've had more pictures taken by me in the last year than anybody. The selfie is the new autograph.

A mayor is not a first responder, they are a 'fourth responder'

My understanding of what a first responder is, is when you see a disaster or trouble... those guys are going in. [Bloomberg] is not a first responder. He's the fourth responder.

If a fantasy league member dies after the draft but before the season starts, their players should go to waivers

I would say if the guy passes away after the draft and before the year starts, his whole team goes on waivers. Yeah, I'd say you do that.

The ozone layer is the most overrated thing in the world; without it, everyone would just be tan and good looking

The ozone is the most overrated thing in the world. Yeah, oh, without the ozone, everybody will get really tan and good looking. Oh, man, wouldn't want that.

Lions do not eat giraffes

I don't think that lions eat giraffes. No, I don't think so either. Giraffes would just kick the shit out of a lion and strangle them with their necks.

Animals are better at gambling than humans

If there's one thing that I know about animals is that they're really good at gambling. You know how dogs can predict earthquakes? The octopus, he picked every single game [of the World Cup] correctly. So, yeah, Larry [the Goldfish] is going to absolutely kill it.

Bristol, Connecticut is the worst city in the United States

Bristol, Connecticut. I'm not saying that because of ESPN. I'm saying that because I've actually been to Bristol. If you look at TripAdvisor's top ten things to do in Bristol... one is a water park... and then three out of the other top four are like a museum of clocks. A clock museum... And then another one is the Museum of Fire.

Starkville, Mississippi is one of the worst cities in America

Starkville, Mississippi. We went in the Dixie tour... I'm sure [Stingray Steve] agrees with me because literally all there is is a strip of fast food restaurants. Like, that's their nightlife. Bars closed at 12. We showed up there, and everyone on our bus got pink eye.

Las Vegas is a terrible city after the first 36 hours

Las Vegas. I fucking hate Las Vegas. Las Vegas is a great city to visit the first time you visit for the first day and a half that you're here. And then you realize that it's basically a mix of New Year's Eve and a cruise ship. And no one wants to be on either of those things.

Setting an alarm clock one hour early creates a positive start to the day

When the alarm goes off in the morning... my first thought of the day is positive because I go, yes, I get to sleep another hour. Positive thought. ... I'm positive in the morning. I am now in the midst of waking up in disarray. You're like, oh man, I gotta get up. And I'm like, wait a minute. No, I don't. Not for another hour.

If you are actually good at Madden, I don't want to hang out with you

If you are the guy that plays Madden and you were really good at Madden, I don't like you. That tells me that I don't want to hang out with you.

I want the Fox NFL Sunday injury music played at my funeral

I actually said a couple of years ago, I want that song [Fox NFL Sunday injury music] played at my funeral... seriously... if I'm dead, you guys are going to die too.

Rio's Olympic infrastructure will be well-maintained and beneficial for decades

The Olympics are over. Rio, I have no doubt in my mind all the buildings, all the goodwill, all of the tourist money is going to go into great hands. And they're going to be on the up and up for the rest of the century.

Pooping your pants from trying too hard makes an activity a sport

If you poop your pants from doing it too hard, it's a sport. I don't care what it is. That's my litmus test for does it qualify.

The color-changing pool was the biggest story of the Rio Olympics

Silver gold medal of takeaways. Storylines of the Olympics goes to the color changing pool. Yeah, I just I want you know how they have the live cameras on the grizzly bears every spring up in Alaska. You can watch them fishing for salmon. I want a live cam 24 seven on the pool as it's changing colors.

Falling asleep on strangers during transit is a power move

Falling asleep on strangers is absolutely a power move. Big transit sleeper, yep.

Winking at men is a high-level power move

And then finally, winking at men. Yeah, winking's good. It's like winking when you introduce yourself to somebody. That's a sweet move.

Men should not wear shorts; we should bring back the rule that shorts are only for little boys

It turns out that in like the 19th century, shorts were only for little boys. And then when you became a man, you got your long trousers. I think they should bring that back. Your big boy pants.

A koala ride is a safer drunk transportation method than a piggyback ride

The koala ride's actually a lot safer than the piggyback. [Big Cat]: Yeah, and then boom, you're having sex.

The US Olympic swimming trials are more stressful than the actual Olympics

It's really challenging to get on that U.S. team. The Olympic trials is, I would say – more stressful than the Olympics. Uh, so just, just to get on the team, um, was a relief.

A man should only cry after losing his virginity or winning an Olympic medal

I always love it when our Olympians have a good cry... I would say that and maybe after you lose your virginity is the only acceptable time where a man can cry.

You can't spend more than 12 hours in Canton without getting legally drunk

I mean you can't spend more than 12 hours in Canton without getting legally drunk. I was there last year. It is – it's one of the worst times.

The planet would be better off without mosquitoes

Number one, mosquitoes. I don't know what part of the ecosystem mosquitoes fits into, but you can't convince me that the planet wouldn't be better without mosquitoes.