Takes

Cleveland is a downgrade for anyone living in Milwaukee

You can't just take a downgrade to Cleveland like that [from Milwaukee]. You've got to know if you're in Milwaukee, that's a city of champions.

If you do anything in life, be completely average at it to avoid public scrutiny

The moral of your story right there is if you do anything in life, just make sure you're completely average at it. Because the minute you draw attention to yourself one way or the other, that's when people start saying your nickname happens to be a little racist.

I will not let a friend use my phone charger unless my own battery is at least 70%

I'm a hog. I'm a charge hog. I'm kind of an asshole. [I have to be at] 70% [to let someone else use it].

Asking a friend to get something on Barstool is the worst favor you can ask

Can you get this on Barstool? The worst. People know I haven't talked to in years will text me a little blue like, yo, put this on Barstool.

Being asked to be a Maid of Honor is a rough favor to fulfill

Will you be my maid of honor? Like that's such a – that is a rough ask. If you're a maid of honor, you've got to plan out the entire bachelor party. You've got to plan out the wedding shower. You've got to plan out... basic bitch t-shirts.

An airport pickup or drop-off is a brutal favor

Airport pickup or drop-off. Brutal. Also, a cousin of that, can you take me to the hospital? worst.

Getting shot in the arm feels like being hit by a golf ball at close range

It doesn't feel hot at all. It feels like you're standing in a tee box and somebody just lines up a golf ball and smokes, checks the shit out of you with the golf ball.

Commando week is bad because of the drips

Commando week was, whoa, that was bad, dude. Yeah, because there's nothing to stop the drips. And it's the drip sweat that comes off your butt, butthole, taint area that really causes the stink. The underwear keeps that real tight.

If a fire alarm goes off in a hotel, you don't have to leave unless you actually smell smoke or see someone on fire

Either way, if a fire alarm goes off in a hotel, you don't have to leave. That's like a rule. Everyone knows that... Until people start running or you smell smoke, you don't have to go anywhere until I see somebody on fire.

God from the Old Testament is a top-tier bad guy

So I'll segue right from there into my number three which is God, God from the Old Testament. Kind of a bad guy. Threw a lot of stuff at people. People forget that. That God was kind of a hard ass.

Jumping off a bridge into water is the best hangover cure

First one, jumping off a bridge. Like jumping off a bridge into water. You get an adrenaline rush, and then you get the water, and then once you're in the ocean, then you're unhungover.

A 'Hollywood executive workout' (steam, sauna, hot tub) is the best way to cure a hangover

My last one is the good old-fashioned Hollywood slash executive workout. Little steam, sauna, hot tub, shower, nothing better. That's my favorite type of workout.

Drinking a mix of Pedialyte and vodka all night prevents hangovers

If you want to not have a hangover, here's what you do. You take Pedialyte and then you mix it with vodka or rum and then you just drink that all night so you don't get hungover to begin with. That's a pro's move.

Any twins who share a Twitter account have definitely kissed each other on the lips

Now, you know my theory that all twins at some point have kissed each other on the lips, like not in a brother-brother, sister-sister way. If you share a Twitter account, I think it's basically decided that that has happened, correct?

'Out of pocket' is the worst office buzzword because nobody knows what it actually means

Number one, I cannot stand when people say out of pocket. I don't even know what that means... See, this is the worst buzzword because no one even knows what it means. So when you say out of pocket, you're an asshole for this. It could also go on the Mount Rushmore of excuses. I'm out of pocket. And then when someone says, I thought you were out of pocket, you had your phone on you, said, no, I'm out of pocket. I don't have my phone. I don't have anything. I'm out of pocket.

Synergy is the best filler word for office life and will lead to promotions

When you're in the office, use synergy as a filler word. You'll probably get promoted four times before Christmas.

It is okay to be late for office cake because everyone is always on a diet

It's OK to be late for the cake because everyone in an office is always on a diet. So when the cake comes out, everyone just wants a small sliver. Just want a little sliver. No, even smaller than that... There'll be 20 people eating a cake. And you'll come out. Everyone will have a slice. And there'll still be half a cake left. And you can just do whatever you want.

Never say 'I didn't know' in an office; instead use 'my understanding was' to lie or look better

If you ever need to lie about something or you need to just say, oh, I didn't know about that, never say, I didn't know. It makes you look bad in the office. You always say, oh, my understanding was we didn't have to work the day after the 4th of July. It also works on basically calling someone a dumb fuck. Like, oh, my understanding of this situation was this. Like basically, hey, listen, you're so stupid you didn't realize what was going on.

Never spend more than $50 on sunglasses if you are under 30

Little tip for everyone out there... If you're under 30 years old, never, ever, ever buy a pair of sunglasses that are more than $50. That's on you, okay? $50. I don't buy a pair unless it's under $15.

The Olympics should stop providing condoms to encourage the breeding of a super race

I think that there should actually be no condoms inside the Olympic Village. These are... the top true of the top one percent genetically. It should be like a rabbit farm in there. We should be forcing them to breed with each other. No condoms.

Wearing hats and helmets causes baldness because hair needs sun and rain to grow

If you're wearing a hat, it's like you can't grow plants indoors, right? So therefore, if you go your whole life wearing hats and helmets, I can see how like your hair doesn't get enough sun and rain, and so it would not grow as well later on.

Intellectual activity can cause baldness

Intellectual activity can cause baldness. ... Most professors have glasses and they're bald.

I will either get hair plugs or grow a beard to deal with my balding

I think, I mean, it's just one or the other. You got to go either that route [hair plugs] or you go the, I'm just going to own it and grow out a beard and just try and look like a badass.

Death is the 'dirtiest player of the year' and an old school goon you want on your team

Dirtiest player of the year. That one we're going to give to death. And it's not really that close of a race either. I mean, death is the kind of player that you hate to see on the other side, but you really like it when a guy like that's on your team. You want death to put on the same uniform that you have on. Death, you know, he's just an old school goon.

Lady Luck Smiled Down On The Viet Cong When Marlins Man Missed Vietnam

I was one year late for Vietnam. Lady Luck smiled down on the Viet Cong.

Marlins Man Is A Job Creator With 100 Racehorses

I employ 40 people, job creator, got 100 racehorses deal with that you haters.

Marlins Man Is Not A Man, A Fan, Or A Veteran

You not a man, a fan or a veteran. So fight me bitch, or let it be.

I Hope Marlins Man's Horses Die In A Lake

Fuck your law firm, I hope they lie to your face. Fuck your horses, I hope they die in a lake.

I Hope Marlins Man Gets Found Like Catherine The Great

I hope you get found like Catherine the Great.

Ask Brady, Marino, Wade, And LeBron About Me And Your Mom

So call Brady, Marino, Wade and LeBron. And ask 'em 'bout me and your mom.

The 'Car Stick' is a necessary invention for everyone who drops items between car seats

Simple, simple invention. Everyone needs it. Just a little skinny stick that you can, like, it, like, would go stick up from the side of your car. And when shit gets stuck in between your seats, just grab the stick and it fishes it right out of there.

The week of the MLB All-Star Break is the worst week in sports

We are in the middle of July. We're in the dog days... this is the worst week in sports. It's so bad that Derek Jeter's got bored enough to go and get married.

Pokemon Go is the greatest sporting event of our lifetime

We're kind of doing a disservice by calling this Sports Hell Week because possibly the greatest sporting event of our lifetime or probably anybody's lifetime is going on as we speak, and that's Pokemon Go.

Women love bad boys and cigarette smokers

Number two [things chicks dig] bad boys... if you can maybe have a little mean streak to you. Chicks dig cigarette smokers slash heavy cologne users. They'll tell their friends, 'ew, he smokes,' then they'll be like, 'ooh, bad boy.'

Women love it when men tell them what to like and order for them at restaurants

Chicks love it when guys tell them what they like. Or order for them at a restaurant. It's just like whenever you're like, 'hey, this is actually you don't like that. You like what I like.' It just shows that you're not afraid to take charge.

Any roster move with an 'I'm Coming Home' video makes me ready to run through a brick wall

Any roster move that's ever been made, if you put I'm coming home and you do a little 30-second video on the internet, I'm ready to run through a brick wall.

Peeing in the pool is the most natural thing in the world

My final favorite Mount Rushmore pool activity. This is my number one, actually, peeing in the pool. I've never been in a pool that I haven't peed in. So that's just it's I will sometimes pass going to the bathroom in a bathroom just so I can pee in the pool.

Napping in the sun is a top-tier pool activity

Number three taking a nap. Oh yeah, yeah. Falling asleep in the sun. ... I'm going to just get a big sunburn and let it turn into a tan. ... I'm all natural.

I would have 'Pete Rose'd' the hot dog contest and thrown it if I could have bet on my own under in Las Vegas

I actually made some texts. I was hoping that somehow it ended up on a real sports book in Vegas. We could have put some real money down, and I would have Pete Rose the hell out of that tournament. But alas, you could only win about like 200 bucks on prop bets. So I had to give it my all.

I will never compete in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest again

I've survived to tell my tale. I'll never do it again. But it was a great experience to have.

There is no point in having children in 2016 unless you can get retweets out of them

There's no reason to have kids in 2016 unless you can get some retweets out of them. Kids, when you get down to it, if they're not making content for you, like why did you even have sex? ... If you have a child that's not cute enough to cry on camera for retweets, what's even the point of having the kid?

Zack Hample shouldn't cry about my 'war' against him because Hiroshima wouldn't have happened without Pearl Harbor

When you don't like my Hiroshima you, remember you started the war. That's a Harry Truman quote, I think. Hiroshima would have never happened if you didn't do Pearl Harbor. Remember that when you're crying about my war.

Big Cat should become a vegan as a PR move to become the 'Subway Jared' of PETA

I think Big Cat needs to become vegan. You need to say, 'You know that whole throwing blood on me and talking shit to me thing? It worked. I'm a vegan now.' Good job. ... You would be the Subway Jared of PETA. You would be their biggest success story and nothing bad could ever come from that.

Choking to death on a hot dog during a competition would be a hilarious way to die

I actually am OK if I die because I think that would be a hilarious way for me to die. You know what? God, take me, choke a hot dog down my throat, whatever.

Big Cat's best hot dog strategy is to eat 6-7 dogs immediately to secure a legendary screen cap

You need to get out to a hot start, just like shovel six or seven hot dogs in your mouth at the start. And that way you've got the screen cap for the rest of your life that shows like Dan Katz, eight hot dogs, Joey Chestnut, two.

The Fourth of July is the drunkest weekend of the year

Fourth of July weekend is maybe the drunkest weekend of the year. Everyone's out. Everyone's summer. It really is like who can drink the most beers all weekend long.

Rich people crying in business meetings is seen as passionate, while poor people crying is pathetic

That's what I love about rich guys, okay? If you're rich and you cry, it's awesome. It's like you're very, very passionate. If you're poor and you cry, that's just pathetic. Get your poor, weird tears out of here. If you're rich, that's a guy that cares about life.

The Flathead Indians are the real deal

Name one Native American tribe. I'm going to go with the Flathead Indians. I'm not sure if they're going to be on the list, but I know for a fact that they are the real deal Holyfield.

The only opponent to ever defeat the United States in a war is obesity

What's the only opponent to ever defeat the United States in a war? Nobody. It's obesity. We lost that one. Just like we have lost the war on obesity.

Maryland should be the first state removed from the United States

If you could get rid of one state, what would it be? It would probably be Maryland. A lot of bridges, a lot of tolls, a lot of unnecessary stoplights.