Takes

If a play is cool enough, it should not be a penalty or a foul

If it took place in a basketball game or in a football game, if it's cool enough, it should not be a penalty or a foul. Correct. Secondly, I also think that if you are the type of person that's going to well actually a great play like that, you should have a great play taken away from you as well.

I am officially retiring from giving pregame speeches

I gave them [Tony Scheffler's team] a pump up speech before state quarterfinals. And then they lost by like 40. I'm retiring from the pregame speech. We'll stop doing speeches.

Billy Football doesn't have the punctuality to be a Navy SEAL

Billy drunkenly tweeted... 'I would trade it all to be a Navy SEAL.' Now... rule number one of being a Navy SEAL is punctuality. And Billy fails at that all the time.

You are statistically less likely to have shrimp in your next box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Statistically, you're more less likely to have shrimp in your next box. [Big Cat: No, but it was zero] ... No, it's like once in a blue moon.

A rival cereal company planted shrimp in Jensen Karp's cereal to change the narrative

This could be a case of, I don't know, maybe a rival cereal company seeing that Cinnamon Toast Crunch was getting all that shine last week. They go into Costco in the dead of night with a box cutter and some tape and a couple of shrimp tails, and they just try to get the story out there to change the narrative.

If I get into a fight, I would be charged with murder because my hands are registered weapons

I got legal hands, I can't fight anybody. No seriously, like legally I'd get murder not manslaughter if I get into a fight with someone... because I was registered in a professional boxing match.

Uniform colors and alternate jerseys significantly impact game outcomes and betting

I need there to be an account that basically says, 'Here's what everyone's wearing today. Make your bets accordingly.' And I know that sounds stupid, but my retort would be, 'No, you're stupid if you think that uniform colors don't matter.'

The United States is ending Daylight Savings Time permanently

The United States Senate is passing a bill saying that we're not going to do daylight savings time ever again. So your clocks stay where they are... It looks like we're not going to be changing our clocks this summer. Ever again. Ever again.

People who don't believe in aliens are losers.

People who don't believe in aliens are losers. Straight up. Why would you willingly convince yourself that aliens don't exist? It's like betting the under.

Unpaid internships shouldn't be abolished because there are government grants available for them.

What I was trying to say is that there's you can't get we can't get rid of unpaid internships... There's plenty of search engines to find funding and scholarships for unpaid internships that you can qualify for, especially underrepresented... You don't get paid from the employer, but you can get grants so you can take those.

Chapstick is one of the biggest scams in America

I present to you one of the biggest scams in America. Chapstick. I keep losing mine. It is impossible to finish a stick. You have to buy a new one every week. Do you know anyone who's ever finished a chapstick?

I can beat up any 10-year-old in the entire world

I think that I could beat up any 10-year-old in the country. Probably the world. I don't think that there's a 10-year-old in the world whose ass I couldn't kill... Pre-puberty, I could defeat any 10-year-old in the world.

A man who works out twice a day and can only bench 185 is definitely cheating on his girlfriend

185, there's really no other explanation. You're either dating the biggest soy boy beta bitch or he's cheating on you... Most gyms will actually revoke your membership if you go there every day because you're obviously, you're not getting out of this what you're putting into it.

Society is trending into the toilet

What we're saying is our society is heading to the toilet. So in 12 years when my son has to go through middle school and high school, it is going to be a landmine. You think we're trending up? Uh-uh... We're trending down.

Vacation shaming is always wrong

Vacation shaming in all forms is wrong. That's my stance. I just, you know, I'm on the front lines of vacations everywhere.

Zebras run toward grass fires because they can't outrun them

Zebras run towards grass fires because they know they can run through them and get to the other side that's burnt out because they can't outrun the fire.

There should be a 'TopGolf' but for football

TopGolf. But for other sports... There should be TopGolf but for football. You're the quarterback... imagine you have a football, and then in front of you is this big field, and there are people that are running routes, and you can hit the receivers with passes... They keep score of every ball that you throw.

Success in a celebrity marriage requires both people to be 'weird as hell.'

I actually think that for celebrity couples to work, you actually both have to be weird as hell. It helps because if it's just if somebody is too normal in a celebrity relationship... it doesn't work. You have to have two different parts of crazy in a celebrity relationship, I think, to actually make it work in the long run.

COVID is no joke, even for peak athletes like me.

My Fyre Fest is I have COVID. It pretty much sucks. It's low-key not a great time... a peak athlete like myself, I've had trouble breathing all week. It has not been fun. I've literally just done this show, and after we hang up, I'm like, gasped beyond belief. It is no joke, and you shouldn't take it seriously... i know i sound preachy but guess what i'll fucking say it this thing is no joke

The hosts are starting a strict 'no carbs' diet for February

Tomorrow, we're starting our diets. ... No carbs for the month of February. ... If you see a carb in my mouth, slap it out. Serious. Except for Saturdays. Those are cheat days.

I am going to buy an albino cobra

Bro, I went down to Florida, and I'm about to buy an albino cobra. ... Dude, they can ship it. ... [I'm] not going to bring COVID back [to the office].

Everyone in their mid-30s should be on steroids/testosterone therapy

I think everyone should use it at our age, for sure. ... Recommended by doctors with a prescription. That's how you should be using it.

Viruses do not have nuclei

Viruses don't have nuclei.

The United States only unites if aliens start a war with us

The only way that the USA could come back together and all pull on the same side is if aliens came down to earth and start a war with us, then we'd all be like, yeah, fuck you. We'll fight against it.

Adult laughter is a release of social tension and uncomfortability

When we're babies, we don't laugh for that reason. When we're babies, we laugh out of joy. When we get older, we laugh out of uncomfortability. So you're diaphragm contracting... is a release of social tension and uncomfortability.

A billionaire without a sports team is doing life wrong

I also think that it's a big red flag to me that if somebody's a billionaire and they don't own a sports team, it's like, what are you doing? What has all this been for? What's the point? If you're not going to spend money on something cool.

Six people can fit in a whale's vagina

Wales, you can fit six people in a Wales [whale's] vagina. Sick.

You can tell a lot about a guy by the sunglasses he wears

This is an all-time guy who wears Oakley sunglasses move. He's a big-time Oakley... you can tell a lot about a guy by the sunglasses he wears. If you wear Costa sunglasses, you go deep-sea fishing twice a year. You probably have a DUI in Florida. If you wear Shady Rays, you're cool. And then if you're an Oakley guy, you probably send dick pics during child support meetings.

The Houston Astros officially cursed the city of Houston

Do you think this has anything to do with the Houston Astros have now officially cursed the city of Houston? Because James Harden and now Deshaun Watson both want out of town... It all goes back to the Houston Astros and their cheating scandal.

Using Delta 8 THC will make you better at video games

3Chi is great. It'll make you better at video games. There, I just said it... I get more kills as a single person in Warzone when I take a 3Chi than we do as a team when I'm playing with Billy.

I will never wrestle another match in my life

I'll never wrestle another match in my life... I'll say it. I'm done. Never's a long time [but] no, it ain't worth it... I got the wrestling bug out of my system.

Big Ben Roethlisberger will spend the entire offseason watching pornography

Sad Big Ben. He's going to watch so much porn this offseason.

Shorter men need to earn $133,000 more than tall men to be seen as successful

A male who's five foot eight needs to make $133,000 more per year to be viewed as successful as someone who's six feet tall. I'll just do two more episodes of Pardon My Take on my own a year. All of a sudden, boom, I'm back in the red, baby.

Snapchat will eventually be used to blackmail future politicians

I think Snapchat is going to have a huge blackmail on future politicians... You have a bunch of dumb 14-year-olds and teenagers and stuff, and then in the future they might be important people and there's a whole cloud of data... I think there will be a scandal that happens in the next 20 years where a Comcast or a major internet service provider just gets hacked or they release a bunch of documents and it's just everybody's search history and internet history.

Jeeps are superior to Teslas in every way

Jeeps are cooler, right. It just, you know, you can take the doors off. He can take the tops off... if there is like a zombie apocalypse or something like that, and there's like a Tesla that is like, let's say abandoned... you disconnect your sway bar. You're in a Jeep, bro. You just go right over it. But you know what I'm saying? That, so there's a lot of benefits, you know, but ultimately Jeeps are just superior in every way, shape and form.

I was incredibly sober during my peyote trip with a mountain lion

And I'd gone off on a sunrise walk with this gentleman and he was... slowly disseminating the payoti... when I got back down on the property, there was this, he had this mountain life in his cage... I get confident that me in this mountain lion are on the same frequency... The great thing about peyote had done the right way. No, I don't look back on that at all. I look back on that and go it. If anything, have you looked through the book there's times I've taken, what would be considered risk that absolutely paid off... I would say I was incredibly sober.

2021 will be the year of hard bodies

Hard bodies in 2021. What does that mean? We're just going to get hard. Hell yeah. By the end of 2021, you will be able to bounce a quarter off my abs and ass. We're the next generation of being hard.

Going to a strip club on Sunday is just bad decision making regardless of COVID protocols

Going to a strip club on Sunday is just in general, not a smart idea. Sunday's not a good strip club day... a smart quarterback in my book would either go Monday for $5 buckets or you go on Thursday for the lunch steak and shrimp combo.

My back pain is caused by a bulging disc, not a muscle issue

My back hurts. I fucked up my back. I woke up on Wednesday morning and couldn't really stand up... starting to get shooting pain down my right leg. I think it's a skeletal thing. If it's your lower back and everything you described sounds like a disc... a bulging disc like basically hits the nerve.

Outside beer season is the best beer season

Outdoor beers. It's outdoor beer season. When it's snowing outside, when it's cold, you don't have to take up space in your refrigerator, you leave the beers outside. It's God's refrigerator. You crack open a beer directly from your porch and it tastes colder than it does on the fridge. It's the best season of all.

An Xbox is the best breakup gift to give during the holidays

What's the best gift to get someone that you want to break up with after the holiday season? An Xbox, I'm just going to say it. Like something that will keep them entertained. Because if you break up with him after giving him an Xbox, he's not going to be talking to you anyways. At that point it will just be obsessed with his new video game system.

Fraser Fir is the only acceptable Christmas tree; do not buy Douglas Fir or Spruce

Bottom line is get yourself a Fraser fir. Don't go for Douglas fir. Don't let them talk you into a fucking spruce. Worst of all, go with a Fraser fir as a former Christmas tree salesman, I can tell you. Actually, no one's ever a former Christmas tree salesman. For life.

World Chase Tag is a superior concept to Parkour and should be an Olympic sport

I want a sport where if you tag a guy, there you go. Where there's a winner and there's a loser... It's basically parkour, but with an element of tag. That's an Olympic sport... This sport, this tag sport, is ten times the sport of handball.

You cannot know if a relationship is a 'rebound' until it actually ends

I think you don't know that it's a rebound until afterwards. In the middle of a rebound, it just feels cool... so a rebound could always be just a put-back dunk until you hit the ground. So you haven't hit the ground just yet, so it's impossible to know how to score it.

Billy Football's 285-pound bench press max is embarrassing

Billy actually said hovering around 285, which means he doesn't bench 285, which 285 is embarrassing... for a guy that spent four years in a weight program in high school and then three years in a weight program in college.

I benched 315 pounds for three reps today just messing around

Fucking put the microphone down. I put up 315 three times today fucking around. Get back to me in a couple years.

Empty stadiums make games windier because there are fewer bodies to block it

I think no fans makes the stadiums windier. Okay, because there's fewer bodies to intercept and block off the wind. I feel like wind has been happening more, and this game was very windy and weird. I think the amount of people, yeah, I think no fans, more wind.

British soldiers are mandated to sit down to pee in tanks

The British have to sit down when using the toilets in their tanks the piss because they can't stand up in the tank. I believe they like mandate it... I checked myself. That's a good fact check.

You are a pussy if you put a case on your phone

No case gang for life. You're a pussy if you put a case on your phone. No, my phone works... Every time I touch this phone metal on skin baby and every time I drop it, it's adrenaline coursing through my veins... I was no case gang for life.

Modern poker is no longer fun because it has been solved by mathematical models and GTO

13 years ago poker was different than it is now, you know, they figured it out with solvers and computers... it just it makes it a lot harder it makes it also a lot less fun. You know People are just sitting there not talking figuring out like mathematical equations in their head where when I was when I moved to Vegas everybody was drinking and laughing and the poker table was like a party, you know, where now it's like a classroom.