Takes

The Super Bowl halftime show is for chicks

The Super Bowl halftime show is—is—is for chicks... I don't think the average NFL fan is like, man, I hope this Super Bowl halftime show is awesome. I don't give a fuck.

Dua Lipa and Callum Turner's 'same book on a plane' meet-cute story is fake

I just can't, I couldn't help myself but to bring up this story 'cause it's just so fake... He revealed that they were reading the same book the night they first met. We sat next to each other on a plane... it's too much. Fakest plane book story love story of all time.

Tom Cruise used Top Gun: Maverick to make people forget about his Scientology controversies

Tom Cruise... Scientology thing is very weird... He just was like, yeah, I'm gonna put out a new Top Gun and everyone's gonna forget about that. ... It felt like the block was getting a little hot with the documentaries and everything. He's like, I know. Top Gun two. People won't care anymore.

Timothy Chalamet will be one of the greatest actors ever

He won a SAG award and then I, I just liked, I liked his speech... He kind of was just like, yeah, I wanna be one of the greats. I'm going hard.

Kendrick Lamar vs Drake is the biggest blowout in subjective art history

That the Kendrick Drake thing turned into — obviously art is entirely in the eye of the beholder... but in this one thing where people can interpret it either any way they see fit, like this is as big of a blowout as you'll ever see. Ever.

Diddy killed Biggie Smalls

Diddy's a bad guy. And my take, I don't, this isn't like an a wildly original one. I think Diddy killed Biggie. Think about it. Think about it... when Biggie died, you remember Diddy was like all over tv. He did that. The video. I'll be missing you. Yeah. Like that he made his entire career about Yeah. Biggie. That is something that a psychopath killer would do.

Nikocado Avocado's two-year weight loss reveal was a genius strategy

He's been posting videos for the last two years where he's large... then this week he posted a reveal stating that he prerecorded two years worth of mukbangs and has been putting them out periodically and just losing all the weight... this is actually incredible.

Kristin Cavallari is lying about having the best sex of her life

Kristin Cavallari said that her boyfriend, Mark Estes, Montana boy, who's 13 years younger than her, she's having the best sex she's ever had. It is, but it's also if you have to publicly say you're having the best sex you ever had, you're lying. The minute you say you have the best sex ever, everyone's like, dude, that's a lie.

Taylor Swift should give up half her money to men to help the Chiefs win championships.

Basically what we're saying is that Taylor Swift should give up half of her money to men. Is that too much to ask? No, I thought we were about equality. Equality matters 50%. And if she, if she was a true Chiefs fan, she would be like, 'Hey Travis, take the league minimum and let's go win another championship.' Rings... it sounds like she's only about her personal engagement ring, not a Super Bowl ring.

Drake leaked his own explicit video as a flex

Drake international superstar. He was jacking off and the video came out. I actually think my conspiracy theory brain tells me that Drake leaked this himself because it's a good angle... he's got a big dick and he's got a big dick. Yeah. So if anything it like my respect for Drake increased today.

I am intensely attracted to Tiffany Gomas

I have such an intense attraction to Tiffany Gomas. It is, it's actually, I am, I'm obsessed with her... I follow her on Instagram. I even like leave comments like 'looking good girl'... I think the thing I'm most attracted to is that there's a real, a mental issue there... I'm really attracted to her.

GTA VI is the point where video games became indistinguishable from reality

GTA six finally released their trailer yesterday. And yeah, it, that's we've, we've done it. We've gotten to the point where I can't tell if it's a video game or real life. Unfortunately. That clip of the, of the girls shaking her booty on the, on the car. I was like, is that real? I don't, it finally happened where my brain can't process video games. In reality.

I won't believe the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce relationship is real until I see actual proof

The Swifties are at my door... for a clip on Monday that I, I said that I wanted to see until I, until I saw actual p and v, the relationship was not real to me. Let's just be clear, like it's similar to dinosaurs. Dinosaurs aren't real because I never saw them. So if I don't see, if I don't see sex, I don't think anyone's relationship is real in the world.

Tyreek Hill will become a porn star after he retires from the NFL

Tyreek Hill... came out today and said that when he retires he wants to just kind of get outta the limelight and enjoys retirement in peace and also be a porn star. I would watch.

Taylor Swift is either a cult leader or a terrorist

Is Taylor Swift kind of a terrorist? She might be kind of a terrorist. It feels like she's got, I'll tell you what, She is either a cult leader or a terrorist and she's very good at doing both. Whichever one it is. So anything that she does, I'm on her side.

Miley Cyrus will perform the sexiest Super Bowl halftime show ever in Las Vegas

Miley's back, she's gonna play at the Super Bowl probably in Allegiant Stadium, which is the sexiest stadium in the world. It's gonna be the most boner inducing halftime show of all time. We can only hope and pray that Justin Timberlake gets out there and there's another Janet Jackson scenario.

Michael Lewis embellished 'The Blind Side' facts for marketing purposes

I'm saying Michael Lewis may have embellished some of the facts, or woven it into a better story than it or a story that he thought was more marketable than the real story. ... Next thing you're gonna do is tell me that Billy Beane never won a World Series.

Wes Anderson is a boring filmmaker

My Hot Seat is Wes Anderson, the filmmaker. ... I think he's boring. Does anybody else think he's boring? ... They're all kind of one movie. ... It's very filmmaker move to come out and be like, he refuses, he's disgusted at the thought of people even trying to do what he does.

The US government uses Taylor Swift news to distract from alien craft revelations

In fact, I went up to our friend Kelly Keegs, who is maybe the biggest Taylor Swift fan in the entire world. I was like, so did you hear about The Aliens? And she was like, what Aliens? Taylor might be working for the United States government and they just told her like, Hey Taylor, please dump your boyfriend right now because we need to cover up the alien thing.

Taylor Swift is better than Beyonce

Who you got? Taylor Swift or Beyonce? It's Taylor Swift. Easy. Nah, it's so easy. It's all day... No, you guys, girls, no one knows a single Beyonce song, right? Yeah, she's super old. Taylor Swift. Much better vocalist.

Vince McMahon is leaning into his 'creepy old man' persona with his new mustache

The man is a showman. And if you're gonna be accused of being a pervert left and right, and all these people come out and say all these weird things about you. Of course Vince McMahon is gonna lean into that costume and grow a tiny little mustache. If you give a creepy old man $9 billion, he's gonna become a super creepy old man with a child molester mustache.

Grown men hating on women is pathetic

Britney Mahomes tweeted something about grown men talking shit about someone's wife is real weird... actually, grown ass men hating on women in general is pathetic. I'm taking Britney's side on this.

The Office would be canceled by today's standards

Mindy Kaling I guess was interviewed and she was like, yeah, the office would've been like, if they had the office today, it would've been canceled. ... if the office today was made today and it was canceled, like then comedy just truly is dead.

The Rock is becoming too unlikable because he's too manufactured

At this point I regret to inform you that I think I'm out on the Rock... he seems like he's turned his entire life into a living breathing Upworthy headline... you've entered the weird online celebrity like John Legend, Chrissy Teigen era of I have to root a little bit against you now. You're too likable.

The Marcus Jordan and Larsa Pippen relationship is MJ's final revenge on Scottie Pippen

I just imagined MJ being like, did you hear all that shit about Scottie saying that LeBron's better than me? Go hit up Larsa. Yeah, let's, let's start this relationship Dogs. That's tough.

Bill Clinton definitely hooked up with Dr. Ruth at the US Open

Bill Clinton was at the US Open too. And he was best term for it—he was noodling with Dr. Ruth. They were getting very close... bill Clinton was getting real horny with Dr. Ruth. And I think he fucked her. I'm going to say he fucked her.

The iPod is the greatest Apple product ever invented

I was talking shit about Apple products last week. This is probably the greatest Apple product ever invented, but they announced today that they're discontinuing the iPod.

The upcoming Drake and Taylor Swift collaboration will be played into the ground all summer

My hot seat is the charts, the radio this summer... Drake posted a picture with Taylor Swift, which means go, I'm going to be a song coming, which means it's going to get, it'll probably be a good song, but it will get murdered into the ground and just played in for it everywhere.

The Will Smith slap of Chris Rock was fake because Will Smith taught a kid how to fake slap a month prior

There's a video out of will Smith a month ago, teaching a kid how to fake slap. I don't know if you guys see this on TMZ... I'm just saying, you know, it looks like a guy who's been practicing slapping.

The upcoming Game of Thrones prequel will be disappointing because it reminds fans of the original show's ending

The end of Game of Thrones sucks. And they're never making more Game of Thrones ever again. So even though if this is good, it's still one of those things where if you watch it, you're like, this is the best series ever. Can't wait to see what happens. That person is going to be disappointed. It's going to bring back feelings of just like sadness.

Jackass Forever will be the start of a massive streak of movie hits.

Jackass Forever, the trailer came out... and I feel like it's just going to be hit after hit after hit after hit for the next few months because there's so much of a backlog [from the pandemic].

The Sopranos prequel being a movie instead of a TV show is a mistake

The trailer for the new movie, it's a movie. I thought it was a TV show and the fact that it's a movie is a little bit worrisome... I just feel like it's going to be hard to—the TV show was so good because you know, you can extend the episodes... and they try and compact it all into two hours.

The 'You're not that guy, pal' clip will be the clip of the summer

Pretty much, it's a great clip, but I think that's going to be the clip of the summer. Everything you do with your friends, your coworkers, pretty much anything... you're going to see comments about you're not that guy.

Ben Affleck was 'tampering' with J-Lo while she was engaged to A-Rod

Ben Affleck was tampering. Ben Affleck, it was reported, was texting J-Lo in February when J-Lo and A-Rod were still engaged. That is illegal. That is tampering.

Citizen Kane is no longer the best movie of all time according to Rotten Tomatoes

Someone that works at Rotten Tomatoes found an 80-year-old review... talking a negative review about Citizen Kane. So they put it in the Rotten Tomatoes whatever system, and now it's 99 on Rotten Tomatoes, not 100. Paddington 2 is 100. So Citizen Kane, by Rotten Tomatoes metrics, no longer the best movie of all time.

I will start watching the show 'Dave' by next Wednesday

By the time I speak to you on next Wednesday's show, within the next week, I will have started Dave. That's my resolution... I'm going to be able to fulfill on two out of those three [goals] already and three out of three by next week.

Criticizing the cartoon 'Bluey' for a lack of human diversity is stupid

Kids cartoon Bluey criticized for not having disabled, queer, poor, gender diverse or dogs of color. It's dogs. It's a show about cartoon dogs... none of us were [represented] because we're not dogs. It's a show about dogs. Cartoon fake dogs.

Michael Strahan sold out by getting the gap in his teeth fixed

My hot seat's Michael Strahan... He got rid of the gap in his teeth... His approval rating will probably, I mean, people are used to seeing the gap, and it's like, you know, embrace your imperfections, dude.

Drake's Scary Hours 2 tracks are currently holding the top three spots on the Billboard charts

Drake released three new songs last week, and they're now one, two, and three on the Billboard [Hot 100].

Cocaine Bear is already a 'must-see' movie

Elizabeth Banks is to direct a bear-centric thriller, Cocaine Bear, for Universal... Just a movie, a must-see. I'm already slapping a must-see on it.

Ted Lasso could coach the Jets to a 10-6 record

You can't convince me that Ted Lasso couldn't take the Jets to 10-6.

The 'Doggface' Fleetwood Mac cranberry juice video was a corporate plant

I think that he is Probably a plant. I think that this is mostly done... a combo stunt done by Fleetwood Mac and Gary Graham berry juice—big cranberry—and the fact that he has not been canceled that tells me that tattoo on the Subspace. Probably not real. He's probably an actor.

Zendaya's Emmy win was not a 'biggest upset' because fans were happy about it

She won the Emmy for best actress and the New York Post wrote an article and it said biggest upset in Emmys 2020 over Jennifer Aniston and more... Zendaya stands were all very upset because they're like no one's upset about this like this. No one's upset. Like this is a great thing.

If you don't like Nickelback, you are a sheeple

Cool throne Nickelback. If you don't like Nickelback your sheeple.

The text exchange between 50 Cent and Will Smith about Jada's 'entanglement' was real

I would bet money that it was real... Because it's 50 Cent and he's absolutely reckless. He's reckless.

Larry David navigating the COVID-19 pandemic in Curb Your Enthusiasm will be amazing television.

Curb Your Enthusiasm got greenlit for an 11th season... I think Larry David—Corona is going to be amazing. The corona Larry David, like there's no better wheelhouse for that guy.

Ranking Lisa Ann at #94 on an all-time porn star list is disrespectful to her legacy as a game-changer.

Shyla Stylez at 354 and Lisa Ann at 94 is absolutely atrocious... Lisa Ann at 94, like the committee got that one wrong. That's awful. Even if you missed her heyday, you got to know that she meant something to the game, right? She changed the game, a hundred percent. I thought that was a little bit disrespectful.

Stephanie Cmar will win Top Chef Season 17 because of the judge's reaction in the trailer

In the preview for the finale, they have Padma awarding the winner and saying congratulations you are top chef, but people have gone back and rewound it and they can tell by her inflection that she's genuinely surprised to be awarding it to this person. So now the internet is thinking the betting odds have shifted that it's going to be Stephanie... my money is on Stephanie.

Outer Banks is essentially 'The OC' meets 'National Treasure'

What the fuck is Outer Banks, man, Hank? I started watching it. It's like how is this show? It's the OC meets National Treasure. How is this show popular?

Elon Musk naming his kid a symbol will force teachers to learn code

Teachers are on the hot seat because this is going to start a trend amongst the nerd people community. Be like, oh, we don't even have to name our kids real names. We can just do symbols and codes. And so imagine being a teacher and getting an attendance sheet and being like, hey, Sam, Joe, X AE A-12.