Takes

Getting shot in the arm feels like being hit by a golf ball at close range

It doesn't feel hot at all. It feels like you're standing in a tee box and somebody just lines up a golf ball and smokes, checks the shit out of you with the golf ball.

Nyquist the horse is officially finished

I'm going to say that Nyquist is finished. That horse is done. He's so finished that he's done.

The veteran kicker will beat out the young leg in training camp 99 times out of 100

A lot of times you'll have a veteran kicker on a team to bring in a young leg... And the veteran kicker always wins the job, like 99 times out of 100.

Eddie Lacy might show up fat to training camp overnight

There's a good chance that [Eddie Lacy] might become fat overnight and be fat again. This is going to be an ongoing storyline throughout the entire camp.

Free agent signings coming from Super Bowl teams won't be as good on their new shitty teams

The free agent signing who's maybe coming from a Super Bowl team and he's bringing a winning culture... [is] probably not going to be anywhere near as good as he was with the Super Bowl team because he was surrounded by really good players. And now he's on your shitty team, surrounded by trash.

LeBron James will eventually sign with the Lakers

I'm going to be really sad when it's over, when he finally signs with the Lakers and we have to stop doing [the LeBron James free agency update].

The Warriors will still be 'pretty good' to start the season because the team has played together for a long time

My theory is that you [PFT] don't know basketball that well then. ... unlike the Miami Heat that year, all but one of those players, they've been playing together for a long time. So it's not like the whole group is coming together the way they did in Miami. It's just really working one guy into the equation. ... they'll still be pretty good at basketball. They just might not be as good as they are by the time they hit their stride in the playoffs.

LeBron James is playing a leverage game with his free agency

I think LeBron's playing a leverage game. And wouldn't you? Dude, I mean, that letter in Comic Sans, you can forgive, babe, but you don't forget.

The 2016 Cubs have all the key ingredients to win the World Series

I think that everything is in place right now for them to do very well. Without a doubt, they're going to be the team to beat. I think they have the key ingredients is how well and how they can handle that stage... hopefully this is the time.

The 2016 Olympics Russians got away with systematic doping

The Russians got away scot-free. So the IOC said, OK, we know your whole country had systematic doping for the last 20 years, so we're just going to ban the track and field team... they banned the track and field team, but anybody else from Russia is allowed to compete. So there you go.

'Out of pocket' is the worst office buzzword because nobody knows what it actually means

Number one, I cannot stand when people say out of pocket. I don't even know what that means... See, this is the worst buzzword because no one even knows what it means. So when you say out of pocket, you're an asshole for this. It could also go on the Mount Rushmore of excuses. I'm out of pocket. And then when someone says, I thought you were out of pocket, you had your phone on you, said, no, I'm out of pocket. I don't have my phone. I don't have anything. I'm out of pocket.

NHL players likely won't participate in the next Winter Olympics

You know what? I don't think NHL players are going to the next Olympics... I think most hockey players would [go], but it's like, is it worth it?

Professional athletes should stay in their rooms and say nothing during the month of July to avoid headlines

Basically just don't say anything during the month of July. Like anything that any professional athlete of note has to say is going to become a headline story. So just just shut up. Just maybe here's what you should do. Just stay in your room. Lock yourself in your room. And just hang out there for a while.

Robert Griffin III being ranked as a top 5 Redskins QB is an insult since he only played with five

Santana Moss actually just came out with his own mini Mount Rushmore... of top five quarterbacks he played with... and RG3 came in the top five. He was five... and those were the only five he played with. But still, top five is top five.

Mississippi State is going to struggle this year because Dak Prescott is gone

I'm going to say Mississippi State is going to struggle a little bit this year just simply because we don't have Dak Prescott on the field anymore for us.

Dak Prescott will be the Cowboys starting quarterback in about a year

I'm going to say about a year. Now, of course, if Romo gets hurt this year, then, of course, I think he may be done. But if he's not, then about a year or two.

If Giancarlo Stanton's home run derby balls were people's heads, he'd be arrested for mass murder

If all those balls that Giancarlo Stanton had been hitting in the home run derby were actually people's heads, he would be arrested for murder. Mass murder. He'd basically be worse than Jeffrey Dahmer.

I guarantee the Takie Awards will be a live show next year

Next year, it's going to be a live show. I'm actually guaranteeing that right now. I want to do it at Guy Fieri's restaurant, like in the back room.

Marlins Man Is A Job Creator With 100 Racehorses

I employ 40 people, job creator, got 100 racehorses deal with that you haters.

Zack Hample Is Jeffrey Maier With A Blog

Zack you a joke, I'll put you down like a dog. You Jeffrey Maier with a blog.

Marlins Man's Mouth Is Always Behind The Plate

Problem is your mouth always behind the plate.

The Cubs will trade for a relief pitcher and it will cost them a significant asset

The Cubs probably need to get a reliever. Maybe the Schwarber for Andrew Miller thing happens... I'm pretty certain they're going to add an arm in the bullpen, and it's going to take a lot to get one of those guys.

Giancarlo Stanton will win the 2016 Home Run Derby

I have the artist formerly known as Mike Stanton... ooh, plus 365, the favorite.

The Chicago Cubs will win the 2016 World Series

If you were to pick the World Series right now, it sounds like the Cubs. Would you say the Cubs right now or somebody else? Yeah, I would say the Cubs.

The Cleveland Indians won't win the World Series because the city isn't allowed to win two titles in a row

It's definitely not going to be the Indians because Cleveland can't win two things in a row. It can never happen. And if it does happen, they're going to become the new Boston and everybody's going to hate them.

UFC 200 will still do over one million pay-per-view buys even without Jon Jones vs. Daniel Cormier

Dana, dude, he's like so immune to this that he doesn't really even get upset anymore. And thankfully, this fight card, even without Cormier and Jones, is as good a main card on pay-per-view as we've ever put together. So I still think you're north of a million pay-per-view buys.

Conor McGregor has no chance against Floyd Mayweather in a boxing match

Conor would have to step away from mixed martial arts and focus exclusively on boxing for like two years to have any sort of chance against Floyd Mayweather. I don't like Conor in that fight at all. ... I don't give Conor much of a chance.

The biggest takeaway from Kevin Durant's move is that the NBA now only has two teams

The biggest takeaway is it sucks for the NBA as a whole that there's basically only two teams.

You can't catch home runs when you sit in the first row behind home plate like Marlins Man

If he wants to talk it out and have lunch... I would even go to a game with him. But I don't want to sit in the legend seats at Yankee Stadium because you can't catch a home run when you're sitting in the first row behind home plate. Of course not. I would gladly help Marlins man catch a baseball game.

The Fourth of July is the drunkest weekend of the year

Fourth of July weekend is maybe the drunkest weekend of the year. Everyone's out. Everyone's summer. It really is like who can drink the most beers all weekend long.

Matthew Dellavedova signing with the Milwaukee Bucks is the perfect landing spot for his blue-collar style

The Bucks actually have a blue collar stitched on the inside of their jerseys... to show the embodiment of Milwaukee's working class roots. So this is like a perfect, perfect landing spot for [Dellavedova].

The Flathead Indians are the real deal

Name one Native American tribe. I'm going to go with the Flathead Indians. I'm not sure if they're going to be on the list, but I know for a fact that they are the real deal Holyfield.

I will eat at least 10 hot dogs in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

I am going to get double digits. It's going to shock the world. People are going to be like, you know what? All I want is I'm not going to win the contest. But I want at the end of the contest for whoever the Todd McShay, Mel Kiper of the hot dog eating world is to be like, here's a riser for next year, guys. Watch out for him.

Iggy Azalea's music career is over because she pivoted away from pop hits to 'true' rap

She took a left turn and started her true rap career. That's when you get cheated on, when you go away from your moneymaker and everyone's like, oh, shit, she's a really bad rapper.

Tommy Lasorda was about to die but his life has been saved through prayer

There's one more. That's about to go, actually... It's Tommy Lasorda. but we may have intercepted here okay we may have... I think that we've already done that.

I see a lot of money in the future for Big Cat and PFT Commenter

I feel that I see a lot of money with you. I feel that, yeah, you're lucky. You guys are lucky.

I officially made it in life because Darren Rovell included my tweet in a headline round-up

Guys, I made it. I officially made it in life. I made it on Darren Rovell's headline tweets... Miracle on Iceland. Come on. Just tell me. That's pretty good. I mean, I'm there. You guys are now in the presence of greatness.

Derek Jeter did the best job of keeping his private life out of the tabloids while playing in New York

It's actually unbelievable when you think about it how long [Jeter] played in New York and there never was any story... Ain't nobody done it better than him.

It is a myth that no two snowflakes are the same

It's actually not true that no two snowflakes are the same. Did you guys know that? I did not know that... But in 1988, a scientist found two identical snow crystals that came from the same storm in Wisconsin.

Snow can be used to put out fires because it is technically water

I mean, I feel like scientifically it's got to [put out a fire], right? Because it's technically water. I read the first paragraph. And it said form of water, so I figured it took some pretty deep thinking.

Igloos can be over 100 degrees warmer on the inside than the outside

Igloos can be more than 100 degrees warmer inside than outside. Wow. That is impressive. That's just a wow moment that you need to let sink in for a second.

The Cavaliers were the better team in the 2016 NBA Finals

Listen, the better team won. ... I talk shit about LeBron, but I never talk about him as a player. He's a fucking beast. They played great. ... and the game seven lived up to all the hype.

Ezekiel Elliott will rush for at least 200 yards in his rookie season

I think [Ezekiel Elliott] is going to put up like bare minimum at least – you can quote me on this – at least 200 yards this year. At least.

You can't fart during a soccer game because it's a 'beautiful' and 'classy' game

I don't want, I mean, that's, you can't fart during a soccer game. Everyone knows that. ... It's a beautiful game. ... We, you don't do that shit. It's a classy game.

Shaquille O'Neal used to walk around the Miami Heat locker room fully naked all the time

When he gets out the shower and stuff, everybody else is putting towels on and wrapping up. [Shaq] will come out just naked. Yeah, that's Shaq for you. I've seen him come in the locker room several times and do it.

Alabama can beat the United States criminal justice system

This one [is] could Alabama beat the United States criminal justice system. And the answer is yes... the Louisiana district attorney from Ouachita Parish has declined to press charges on [Cam Robinson and Hootie Jones] for drugs and guns.

Game 7 Prediction: The Cavaliers will beat the Warriors 93-89, Kevin Love will dominate the boards, and Stephen Curry will choke

My prediction is I feel like the Cavs are going to take this one somewhere in the neighborhood of 93 to 89. I don't expect [Kevin] Love to have a big night scoring, but I do think he's going to make a statement on the boards... [Matthew] Dellavedova is going to have zero personal fouls, zero turnovers... Curry is going to choke big time again. I'd be shocked if he got above 17 points total... I've got a final score of somewhere in the neighborhood of 93 to 89 Cleveland.

The Warriors are dead and crumbling

The Warriors are dead. They're dead, and they have totally crumbled. They're falling apart at the seams. Steph Curry's throwing mouth guards at fans. Egregious act, by the way.

I predict LeBron James and the Cavaliers will win Game 7

I unfortunately think LeBron is going to win game seven, and it's going to be torturous to watch.

Jimmy Butler is a relevant NBA player

He is a relevant player, so stop. And I know I just said that twice, which makes it seem like I'm trying to convince myself he's a relevant player, but he is a relevant player.