Takes

The Saints cannot go on the road and win the NFC Championship

I don't think the Saints can go on the road and win in the NFC Championship... I think they need to play for the number one seed and have the 49ers come to them.

The under in Seahawks vs. Vikings is a lock because referee Clete Blakeman is 10-0 on unders this year

Remind me to bet the under on that one [Seahawks-Vikings]... because Cleet Blakeman is the referee, and I got a tip that Cleet has been 10-0 on unders this year.

Always bet the over when Joe Buck is calling the game

I'll tie this right into our picks for the weekend. It makes me have to take the over in the Cowboys Patriots game... Joe Buck is I'm pretty sure is going to be announcing it... you always bet the over when Buck's calling.

The Dolphins moneyline against the Browns is the underdog pick of the week

My favorite is... this is going to be my lock... I'm going back on the train [with the] Dolphins as the underdog take them on the money line as well.

The Jets +3 against the Raiders is the start of a run to the playoffs

My Underdog is the Jets... Jets plus 3 the run the table. Yeah, they're good. We're in the middle the early stages the table runner. Yes, but I think that they could handle the business at home.

The Bears and Giants will go over 40.5 points

I'm going to take the Bears and Giants over 40 and a half and I'll tell you why... Daniel Jones going to be good for at least six pick sixes in this game.

If the Raiders beat the Bengals by 20 points, they are a playoff team

I'm kind of in on the Raiders making the playoffs... if the Raiders win by 20 points or more I think playoff Town. Yeah. I'm on playoff Town Raiders.

The Bears vs. Rams Sunday Night Football game will have at least eight combined touchdowns

Sunday Night Bears Rams absolute slugfest the quarterbacks would be going back and forth touchdown touchdown lighting it up minimum eight touchdowns combined between them.

Baker Mayfield has a broken hand

Baker's hand might be broken. That's why he's not playing so well... Are you reporting that Baker Mayfield might have a broken hand? From sources.

The Bears will kill the Chargers this weekend

I think the Bears are going to kill the Chargers. I do... They will win this game easily because the Chargers' offense has problems. Their offensive line has problems. The Chargers are a soft football team.

The Chiefs will beat the Packers outright without Patrick Mahomes

What do you think the line would be if Mahomes was playing?... I think they're going to win outright.

The Giants, Niners, and Seahawks will all win to complete a 'Can't Lose Parlay'

I got the Giants... I got the Niners guaranteed... and I got the Seahawks against the F-word Ravens frauds.

Field goals go farther during night games

My prop that's been hitting at about 75 percent this year... over three-and-a-half field goals. Field goals go farther at night. I don't know how, but they just do.

Kirk Cousins will have a typical 'bad' game against the Lions with one TD and two INTs

This feels to me like a Cousins one touchdown to two interceptions game, maybe get Adam Thielen killed on a cross route... a very hilarious fumble six...

The Rams, Ravens, and Cowboys moneyline parlay is a lock

My can't-lose parlay: the Rams moneyline, the Ravens moneyline, the Cowboys moneyline. I think that's plus odds... I don't see how a single one of those loses.

The loser of the Broncos-Titans game will see their season officially end

Loser leaves town: Broncos Titans. Season is over for the loser of this. I think the Broncos season is already over... [but] if the Titans lose this game, it feels a little bleak. I think they're done.

The 49ers will struggle to maintain their offense without fullback Kyle Juszczyk

The 49ers lost a very key component to their attack in Monday night. They lost their fullback Kyle Juszczyk... they're going to struggle to fill that role because Juszczyk is really, really good.

The Eagles will cover against the Vikings because Kirk Cousins will be overconfident after beating the Giants

My underdog is Philly +3 at Minnesota. I love this. This feels like the Kirk Cousins wins a 'big game' but it's not really a big game because it's one o'clock on a Sunday so he can say well Kirk Cousins won the big game just to fool everyone a little bit more. He beat the Giants on the road... I feel like he's overlooking the Eagles at home.

My 'Can't Lose' Parlay for Week 5 is the Bears, Eagles, Patriots, and Chiefs

The Can't Lose Parlay of the week. It cannot lose. Drumroll. The Bears, Khalil Mack, revenge game. Philly, they're not losing to the Jets. The Patriots, they're not losing to the Redskins. And then you get to just sit back and enjoy the Sunday night football game and have the Chiefs.

The Ravens are severely overrated

I do think the Ravens are severely overrated. ... They've done a major comeback to earth for the last couple weeks.

Patrick Mahomes will throw for 6,000 yards

He's still going to throw for 6,000 yards. When I say he's taken a step back, I mean he went from 100 out of 100 to like 99.5 out of 100.

The Broncos are in a true must-win situation and will finally get a victory against the Jaguars

I think Denver finally wins again. And Denver is in a true must-win, like the season's over if we don't win.

My 'No-Lose' Parlay: Colts, Chiefs, and Rams Moneyline

This is going to be my no-lose parlay of the week... Colts, no chance they lose to the Raiders. Chiefs, no chance they lose to the Lions. Rams, no chance they lose to the Bucs... It will not lose. And if it does, pretend that you don't know me.

The Chiefs will cover -6.5 against the Ravens

I will go with... The Chiefs, minus six and a half, because are we sure the Ravens are as good as they think? I don't think that we are sure. They beat the Dolphins, who stink, and they barely beat the Cardinals on the road.

The Packers and Broncos will hit the under 43

I'm taking the Packers and Broncos under 43. The Broncos last 10 games, 10 unders. And the Packers defense is good. I think that's going to be the easiest under of the week.

I am betting the Jets +6.5 against the Browns on Monday Night Football

I'm going to take the Jets on Monday night. Are you really? Yeah. Dude, this is a classic situation where everyone freaks out and everyone's like, oh, Sam Darnold's out. The Jets stink now. And it's six and a half points. And Trevor Simmons, he might not win the game, but he'll be good enough to keep him around.

The Dolphins will cover +18.5 against the Patriots

I like the Dolphins [at +18.5]. And it's one of these things where the universe is taunting me, saying you won't take the shitty Dolphins, possibly the worst team in the last five years of the NFL. But everyone's talking about how bad they are... I'm going to count wins against the spread here as wins for the Dolphins.

The Bengals will beat the 49ers and cover -2

I like the Bengals, minus two. I think the 49ers, a little bit of a fraudulent win week one. Their defense played well, but Jimmy Garoppolo did not... I think the Bengals, you saw it. They actually run a 2019 offense now... I think the Bengals are going to cover at home. Minus two.

The Lions' defense will 'fuck up' the Cardinals in Week 1

I think the Detroit Lions are Going to be a little bit better than people expect. I think their defense is going to be very good and I think their defense will fuck up the Cardinals week one. Kyler Murray not-ready-for-prime-time.

The Dolphins +6.5 is a 'dog' that will cover against the Ravens because of 'Fitzmagic'

My dog is the Dolphins plus 6.5 against the Ravens at home. My seven-win Dolphins. Ryan Fitzmagic. It's early in the season. ... All I'm going off of is last year Ryan Fitzpatrick played well when he first got in.

The Jaguars will beat the Chiefs in Week 1

Every jackass out there is going to be betting on the Chiefs. Not me. I'm going to take the Jags and win because I'm smart.

The Broncos are too low at 24 and will finish in the top 16 of the NFL

I think the Broncos are too low at 24... the Broncos are going to finish in the top 16.

The Celtics can beat the Bucks in the playoffs

I was wrong about the Celtics-Bucks series. I said there was no chance in hell that the Celtics make it a series. I'm going to jump off that take now... I'd like to say I think the Celtics can beat the Bucks.

The city of Philadelphia will turn on Bryce Harper within five years

I have a prediction. I think that the city of Philadelphia is going to turn on Bryce Harper within five years. Give it four, actually. I think that given Bryce's history... He's such a streaky player. He's got a little bit of an attitude sometimes. But when you're making this kind of money, there's a big, big target on your back.

Trent Richardson's Pro Football Hall of Fame comeback starts this weekend in the AAF

Hall of Fame comeback starts this weekend for Trent Richardson.

Colin Kaepernick will eventually get Baseball Hall of Fame votes as a contributor to the game

Colin Kaepernick hasn't been offered a job in baseball... As a contributor to the game, I think he would get Hall of Fame [votes].

Jimmy Butler will go 'alpha' and have over 30.5 combined points, rebounds, and assists vs the Timberwolves.

I got a pick for you guys... Jimmy Butler's playing the Wolves for the first time... over 30.5 points, rebounds, and assists. He's going to do the same thing that he did in the practice. He's just going to go off. He's going to alpha the fuck out of him.

I'm taking the Cowboys to win or cover against the Rams

Cowboys at Rams. Rams are minus seven... I'm taking the Cowboys. And I'm just saying it out loud. I do this every single divisional round. I always overstate what I've seen from wildcard rounds. So in my mind, I always go to divisional round and say, well, the Cowboys are 1-0 in their last one, and the Rams haven't played in a week... So the Cowboys are hot.

I'm taking the Chargers to beat the Patriots

I love Phil Rivers in this game. I like their running game. I like their defense... I'm taking the Chargers, baby.

If the Texans get a first-round bye, they will go to the Super Bowl

I firmly believe that if the Texans get a bye, they will probably go to the Super Bowl. If they don't, no.

If Green Bay beats Chicago, they are going to the playoffs

Green Bay wins this game, and they're going to the playoffs. Because there are a lot of things that have to happen for Green Bay to make the playoffs, and they're all going to happen. But the big question mark is, can they win this game?

The Buccaneers will cover +7.5 against the Ravens

My walk of the week is going to be the Bucs. Maybe even sprinkle a little bit. The Bucs. [Against] The Ravens. Plus seven and a half.

The Panthers should cut Cam Newton if they lose to the Browns

Panthers, by the way... if you lose this, maybe cut Cam Newton. Cut him. Straight up cut him.

I'm riding the Mark Sanchez train with the Redskins

I'm riding the Sanchez train. ... Really glad they didn't sign Kaepernick because he didn't fit the style of Mark Sanchez.

NFL punts into the end zone should be worth two points if the punter weighs over 300 pounds

If you should have a guy who's over 300 pounds punting the ball and if they can punt it into the end zone, it's worth two points no matter where you are on the field.

The Packers shouldn't even bother with playoff graphics if they don't beat the Cardinals by 21

If the Packers have any chance of going to the playoffs, they've got to win this game by like 21... If they don't win this game by 21, don't even do the graphics. Don't even worry about it. The Cardinals are that bad.

Adam Thielen is better than Calvin Johnson because he broke the consecutive 100-yard games record

Adam Thielen's better than Calvin Johnson. True. Fact. His [Calvin's] best record just got broken by Adam Thielen, bro.

I'm taking the Redskins +7.5 against the Cowboys on Thanksgiving

Listen, 7.5 is a lot to give to Colt McCoy. Colt McCoy, he's a cowboy killer... I'm going to take the Redskins.

I'm taking the under in the Redskins-Cowboys Thanksgiving game

I think the under's the way to go here. 40 and a half? Yeah, I feel like both these teams are going to struggle often. They both have good defenses.

Mitchell Trubisky will have a coming-out game against the Vikings

This is a coming out game for Mitchell [Trubisky]. Yes. Absolutely. He's going to put on a show.