Takes

Major colleges shorten their tracks to fake faster 40-yard dash times during Pro Days

I think that the major programs out there are making a section of their practice fields where the hash marks are slightly closer together. So the place where they have them run the 40-yard dashes at their own pro days, it's actually slightly less than 40 yards, which would make them time out better.

Mark Zuckerberg definitely has ass implants

Mark Zuckerberg surfing has hit the internet... I noticed right away. The dude's got a fucking donk. He has got cheeks. Big-time cheeks... I think it's an ass implant. Mark Zuckerberg is a nerd though... he can't just do something that's so obvious. What he can do is get a fake fat ass.

LeBron James intentionally sat out the end of the 2019 season because he was tipped off about COVID early

You remember that picture of LeBron James staying at the end of the bench far away from his teammates... knowing what we know now about LeBron James is financial ties to the Chinese government do you think he got tipped off ahead of time and was like hey I got to stay away from people so much that I'm going to try to send them all to New Orleans?

Adam Schefter is an undercover warlock casting spells through the media

I can't think of a story I'm rooting for more than Adam Schefter to be an undercover witch... Could you imagine if he's just casting spells on people? I wouldn't be surprised. Two cell phones. One of them is a magic wand... That's exactly what somebody that didn't have to pee would say. It's called an old red herring. He doesn't piss ever. He's the witch, dude.

The NFC Championship officials from Southern California conspired to help the Rams win

Four of the refs, NFC Championship game, were from Southern California, where the LA Rams reside. ... They waited their whole life for the Rams to come back to LA. Then they were like, now's our time to strike. Then they struck.

Space Jam 2 is a fake movie used by LeBron to launder money to potential free agents

Couldnt you just offer [a superstar] a role in Space Jam 2 and through your production company pay him, I don't know, $30 million a year? Kevin Durant takes the veteran minimum on the books and... Now, I took it a step further than that because this movie has been delayed and delayed... I'm not sure that it's a real movie. ... He's got a fake movie. Follow the checks. Follow the money.

George W. Bush was likely on steroids for his 9/11 first pitch

Greatest first pitch of all time... How come nobody's ever asked? Was George Bush on steroids? It was the height of the steroid era. Did W take PED? ... why wouldn't you rub a little bit of cream on your arm? Absolutely. Put some clear underneath your tongue.

Australia does not exist

Australia doesn't exist. Australia is not a real place... Australia was invented by the British because it was like a penal colony... airline pilots are all in on it, too... when you fly people on vacation to Australia, you just take them down to Chile, and they never know the difference.

Marlins Man is likely joining Donald Trump's legal defense team because top firms are rejecting him.

My theory is that I think that Lawrence Levy, Marlins Man, is joining the Donald Trump dream team because Trump can't get any more lawyers to represent him. He's been rejected by like five or six of the top law firms. Marlins Man's probably number seven or number eight. And if I was in a tough spot and I needed somebody on my side to just like harass my opponent until they got so annoyed... I'm going to Marlins Man probably first.

The WatchESPN app allows the network to spy on you inside your house

Alex Jones thinks that Bill Walton was being 100% serious... It would also be great if Bill Walton accidentally exposed this, and ESPN was trying not to let this out, and he was just off on one of his weird trips, and he unwittingly uncovered the most giant conspiracy in the history of cable television.

StatCast is a complete hoax and is likely just one guy making up numbers

StatCast is the fakest, fraudest thing ever... Every fucking time, it's just like a ball's hit hard. Oh, it was 119 exit velocity with an angle of 47... It's literally a guy—sitting somewhere probably in like Arizona it's Nate Silver... he's just watching games he's like okay that looked like a hard hit ball 108 miles an hour.

The Marlins fake their attendance numbers using Wi-Fi logins

I bet the Marlins do their attendance based on how many people log into the Wi-Fi every night. It kept on kicking us out like every 10 minutes, and then it would just come right back on. I bet the Marlins count it as like 50 people... every single person counts for like 15.

Avril Lavigne died in 2003 and was replaced by a body double named Melissa

Basically, the idea of this thread was that Avril Lavigne in 2003... committed suicide. But because she was so famous at the time, her record company kept her alive by not saying that she died and then just using her body double as Avril Lavigne going forward... There's recordings, like vocal recordings that sound completely different.

The Patriots brought in Adrian Peterson specifically to injure him so no one else could sign him

The Patriots specifically just brought Peterson in to try to injure him in a workout so that no other team could get him.

Phil Mickelson intentionally reported Lexi Thompson's rules violation to ensure the PGA Tour was on notice

I think Phil Mickelson called in this rules violation ahead of the Masters to make sure everybody was on their game. ... Also stay woke. Maybe he was just making this quote to get the headlines that he paid $2 million to his bookie last year, pushed down a little bit on the Google search results.

John Madden is actually dead and the NFL is just faking his endorsements

I think that John Madden's actually dead. I think that the NFL is just attributing quotes to John Madden when they make changes to the game of football so that everybody would be like, oh, well, John Madden's a football guy. He approves of this change.

The 2016 Big Ten Championship game is rigged for Wisconsin to win

The Big Ten titles game is going to be rigged in favor of Wisconsin this time. Because last time, the 59-0 Ohio State. That was rigged. Wisconsin. Gary Anderson was fired recently. Left right away. It all makes sense.

The NFL and Roger Goodell are making kickers miss extra points to save money on charitable donations

The NFL donates $1,000 to the three core nonprofit partners for every point scored. Roger Goodell... is trying to save a little coin. The NFL ratings are hurting... How can we cut some costs so I don't have to fire you guys on Christmas Eve? We'll get some kickers to miss some extra points. Boom. $11,000 saved today.

Donald Trump paid 'creepy clowns' to create chaos in America before the election

What happened to the clowns?... Chaos is good for Trump. You don't think Trump bought some clowns and had them kind of have some panic around America? Because that's coincidental that the clowns are just not here anymore... they just disappeared.

Twitter announced the death of Vine just to get PR and check its importance

It seems like something that a company that was maybe down... they need a little press. What better way to press than announce a death?... they're like, if enough people object to us closing down Vine, then we'll keep it around.

Ken Bone is a government plant to distract us from the election

I think that Ken Bone is either a plant for the Red Sweater Company... or he might be just a guy that's inserted in there to make us just stop freaking out about the election. I think that Ken Bone might actually be like a Jason Bourne type situation where he's an assassin.

Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life

Is there a conspiracy that Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life so they can keep it illegal? ... who else do we know anyone else who's been addicted to weed?

Tim Tebow is a viral marketing stunt hired by Jimmy Kimmel

I think Tim Tebow is just a viral ad. I think he's just a viral person. He's a Kimmel stunt. Yes, Jimmy Kimmel has hired Tim Tebow from the time Tim Tebow was in ninth grade just to do pranks.

The Auburn girl getting hit in the face by a football was a staged video

I think it was planned. Obviously, she still got the ball off her face, but there's a second video of someone videotaping her behind her. That seems too convenient... I said in the text, I was like, I don't know how, but I know.

The 'Send Beer Money' Venmo kid on College GameDay is a fake viral ad

No, you don't do that. Seemed a little fishy... Nowhere to be found. No one can find Sam Crowder... It's a fake. It's a viral ad.